• 🏆 Texturing Contest #33 is OPEN! Contestants must re-texture a SD unit model found in-game (Warcraft 3 Classic), recreating the unit into a peaceful NPC version. 🔗Click here to enter!
  • 🏆 Hive's 6th HD Modeling Contest: Mechanical is now open! Design and model a mechanical creature, mechanized animal, a futuristic robotic being, or anything else your imagination can tinker with! 📅 Submissions close on June 30, 2024. Don't miss this opportunity to let your creativity shine! Enter now and show us your mechanical masterpiece! 🔗 Click here to enter!

Short Story Contest #5 - Dual Perspective Partners

Status
Not open for further replies.

Vizel

Vizel

Vizel

Level 12
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
1,067
Honestly, if i had the spare time I'd judge. But I don't.

Furthermore, I've updated the list with Wolfe's newest WiP. Thanks for being patient while I was working.
 

Apheraz Lucent

Apheraz Lucent

Apheraz Lucent

Level 30
Joined
Jan 31, 2010
Messages
3,551
Well, I am quite sure that InfAns hasn't meant anything bad with those words. What he wanted to say, in rephrased shape, was that we are together (as friends on The Hive) longer than with you two. We know each other better, and we have met each other's style and wisdom capabilities. So, I repeat myself, he hasn't meant anything bad with those words.
 

idodik

idodik

idodik

Level 12
Joined
Aug 22, 2008
Messages
911
This is naitsirk's and my second WiP, and despite it being within the word bounds there is still what to develop in the plot. Comments and criticism are welcome.

It was a dark and misty night, only the lights from the few lamps on the side of the road lit up the little village. The sound of feet hitting the ground became clearer and clearer as a man, a warrior of the village came walking down the road. He was on a security stroll, looking over the village during the nighttime. He made do with this shift as it gave him time to think about how much he loved this little village and all the people living in it. You could only hear a handful of sounds throughout the village, as most of its people were asleep, waiting for the night to be over and a new day to begin. He was halfway through the normal patrol route, when he decided to walk slower, down the road, than usual as that particular night was unusually dark and as he had many things stuck inside his thoughts that he just wanted to sort out.
Suddenly the warrior heard steps to his side, and he readied his stance, gripping his sword fiercely. The sound of steps neared, and he drew his sword and started striding towards the sound. As he did, the sound stopped, and a figure formed in the darkness, the figure of a woman. The warrior slowed his pace, frowning, and returned his sword to its sheath.
"What are you doing here at this late an hour? You startled me," he called. His frustration was made clear in his speech.
"I'm sorry – I'm just returning to my home,” the woman said. As he neared her he saw her more clearly; she had hazel eyes, long brown hair and a long blue gown. She appeared to be rather young.
"Not an ideal time for a lady like you to be walking outside."
"I think… I think I got lost."
"That's not good. What were you doing out this late?"
"I…" he recognized a small patch of blush appearing on her cheeks. "I was at the church… praying for my sick grandmother."
The warrior was not convinced, but he did not want this story to waste his shift-time. "Well then, would you mind if I accompanied you until you recognize the way?"
The woman seemed relieved. "That would be very helpful of you, kind sir."
"Where do you live?"
"I live in the western part of the village, near the barn."
"That’s quite near. We'd better get going."
They began walking towards the western part of the village; they only had to go a few hundred meters to get to the western part of town. There was an awkward silence in the air as they walked towards their destination. They reached a lamppost near “The Wicked Tavern” when she finally said “Thank you, good sir, now I know the rest of the way.” He replied, “Glad to have helped, milady,” and they parted. The warrior went back to his patrol, and started to think about the same things he had thought of before the encounter with the woman. 

The young woman, however, was walking not towards the Tavern, but towards another direction. The real reason why she had visited the church was hidden in her hands, which the warrior did not bother to inspect when he had approached her. She didn't stop to think how lucky she was to have it, even if she needed to steal it. She only thought about the moment she'd reach… There it is! She approached an old barn which belonged to her family. She rushed inside and settled on an old chair next to a battered table, letting her treasure fall with a thump to the table. She prepared a candle so she could admire the reward of her hard work, and feasted her eyes to the light of the little flame – on the table lay a book which looked as if it was written in the beginning of time, and she could just make out its title which she had craved for so long: "Arts of the Magi".
She could not resist flipping the pages to admire this book's beauty: Conjuring spells, Transformation spells, Blessing spells, and Cursing spells. As she flipped through the Blessings a particular spell caught her eye, one entitled "Taros gore Thur". Its description said "The person/animal/object holding this blessing will have better luck in general, little in every area." Taros gore Thur… Taros gore thur… The phrase seemed so gentle to her, so loving… She decided to use it, even if the blessing itself could not be implied. Not that the saying would leave her mind if she decided to forget it…
Who could she practice this phrase upon? Maybe her family? No, they have enough luck already. She could give it to the warriors – they say these are dangerous times – or maybe to that particular one who had just accompanied her… He seemed kind of cute! Or maybe it would be better to save it to herself (if she could) to help her against the priest's fury once he found out his book has been stolen… But soon she left this question and passed on into more reading, little did she know that by the next day a stolen book would become the last of priorities for them all.
 
"Seth, wake up! You're on duty!" The soldier grabbed Seth by his feet, and then dragged him out of bed. "OK, OK that's enough, I'm awake." Seth stood up from the cold, hard floor, then put on his uniform and took a piece of bread. The sun was shining as he went out the door, birds were singing and people filled the streets, running up and down, trying to live their lives as they have always lived them. Only a few market stands were open at this time of the day, though they still seemed to wait in lines for the closed stands. All the streets were so much quieter at night, Seth thought as he made his way towards the barrack to pick up his swords and the rest of his armor.
He kept thinking about the encounter with the girl, it was probably the most interesting part of the previous night's patrol. Nothing really happens during the nighttime or at least nothing new since the new captain of the guard began two years ago. When he came to think about it, the new captain was actually incredibly inspiring.
Seth was nearing the barrack to get his assignment, equipment and chainmail. He continued his thoughts from the night before, while he was on patrol: he tried to find a way to utilize his battle technique, as he was not one of the strongest but rather one of the quickest soldiers. In the previous night he had tried to think about stances in which he could slash enemies so that they would be paralyzed and unable to fight, or tried to find out how he could take out an enemy within seconds. Of course, he had not tested it out, but he thought it would work nonetheless.
"Hi Seth," said the guard sitting near the duty board as he looked up with a smile. Seth did nothing but wave back as he passed by him to the armory.
His equipment was composed of two short swords forged in silver light metal which were created just a few years ago, chest chainmail forged in light iron especially for Seth as he was not strong enough to wear the heavy chain mail in combat, and last but not least a helmet forged in aluminum found in the nearby mountains. He carefully put his chainmail on, and then got some help from a soldier to close it up for him. As the chainmail went on he picked up his helmet and put it on his head, and then took the swords, sheathed them and fastened them to his belt.
"You're guarding the village mayor today," the guard honored Seth, "you're finally going to defend an important person!" Seth merely nodded, as he had already gotten used to his cynical attitude in the years he had served with him.
 
"Amber! Wake up! We need to prepare breakfast!"
Amber woke up with a start from a dream filled with magic and bookshelves, and sat up. The dream seemed so real… She laid her head in her hands, still dizzy from the abrupt waking.
"Amber! Are you awake yet?"
At last her senses stabled, and she sat up again and yawned. "Yes, mother, I'll be right there," she said, and turned to examine her room with her eyes. Something made her feel more confident than usual today, she thought, what could it be? Her eyes passed from the window onto the door, her chair, her desk… And the book on her desk that looked as if it were a hundred years old. She jumped up, the memory of the previous night finally caught in her memory, and a big smile spread across her face: she had caused her mother to worry quite a bit when she had been away but she managed to hide the book yet again, and no one knew it was laying on her desk now. Tonight, after all the chores will be done and after she will help in the fields, she will be able to read in the barn again. With great anticipation she rose from her bed, dressed and left her room to help make breakfast.
Later that morning, when Amber and her family sat around the table and ate together, they chatted excitedly at the recent happenings, which included Amber's recent break of the curfew. Well, everyone except Amber did – she had been kept busy trying to nervously dodge and deflect her siblings' attempts of figuring where did she go and why. However, as successful as she was, children are very keen gossipers.
"Maybe she went to pray at church over something urgent!"
"No, no, she wouldn't leave curfew for that!"
"Then maybe she had to make confession of something terrible?"
"What, perfect Amber would have something to make confession of?"
"Well then maybe she's meeting someone in secret?"
"Ohhh!" The kids giggled, and Amber blushed in fury, something that didn't help prove her innocence in this matter. "Who could it be? Amber, is it John? Is it Edmund? Who is it, Amber?"
She was about to try and hush them when there was a knock on the door. This was unusual, since they were not expecting anyone and all their guests notified their intentions to visit in advance. As the children stopped chatting immediately the parents quickly appeared at the threshold, exchanged looks quickly, opened the door, and quickly straightened up.
At the doorstep was Brother Kyle, the church priest, a grave expression on his face. He never left the church at all, so this was a very strange happening to all of them. Amber jumped on her spot in fear – how could he know what she had done?
At once, he spoke. "Good morrow to you."
"Good morrow, Father," the parents stammered, "How do you do?"
"I thank you, but there is a matter to discuss. I'm afraid one of my books has been stolen."
"Oh!" The mother exclaimed. Brother Kyle was kind and just to all, even to those who were not kind to him, and there was no reason for a soul to bid him evil. "I'm terribly sorry to hear. When did this happen?"
"Just this evening. I don't know how this has happened. This book is of major importance – I must get it back immediately."
"Well, firstly, you could tell me where you have been last night."
"We were all home, Father."
"Well, all of us except for Amber."
The conversation was audible to the children, and one of them could not help utter this sentence. Amber blushed until her cheeks became beet red, but remained silent. The three adults slowly turned to face her.
"Yeah, didn't you say that you were going to the church?" another chimed. Amber blushed even more and the adults grew even closer.
After a moment's silence, the priest spoke again.
"I will resume this conversation in private, with your permission of course."
"Y-yes, yes."
"Come with me, Amber, we have something to talk about."
"Yes, Father."
Amber rose slowly from her seat and walked to the priest's side in silence. Her parents, still not managing to grasp the recent happenings, followed her with an amazed gaze. When she went through the door Brother Kyle said "I promise you that your daughter will return before noon. Good day to you."
"Good day, Father."
The door closed and the two started to head to the Church. After a while of silence the priest said "Amber, if you should have a hand in this, you should know that this is not a fitting deed for a young woman like you. You should be more considering towards your future and towards finding a husband."
Amber simply walked in silence and didn't answer, and the priest said nothing more of it. As they continued to make their way Amber thought she heard the distant beat of a drum, perhaps even a war drum, but she thought it to be absurd.
 

Apheraz Lucent

Apheraz Lucent

Apheraz Lucent

Level 30
Joined
Jan 31, 2010
Messages
3,551
@idodik,
1. I think you lack a bit of what I like to call, Cinematic details. For an example, the first line of the text:
,,It was a dark and misty night, only the lights from the few lamps on the side of the road lit up the little village."
...can be turned in more mystic sentence by using this art of writing:
,,Within the shadows of the night, a small village was lit up by the thinly lighted lamps scattered all the way down the road."
2. This part of sentence doesn't make any sense to me: ...He made do with this shift as...

3. I always wanted to do several things at once. Well, those people are my idols, they sleep and wait at the same time.
(...as most of its people were asleep, waiting for the night to be over and...)

4. The sentence in hidden tag is way to long and looses it's meanings with it's length. It also copies some before told things, such as walking down road and others. It has lost it's way in the underlined part, mostly because of miss-putted 'comma' signs.
He was halfway through the normal patrol route, when he decided to walk slower, down the road, than usual as that particular night was unusually dark and as he had many things stuck inside his thoughts that he just wanted to sort out.
5. Um... I don't know if ,,You startled me" is correct. Mostly because the women hasn't startled him, he startled himself.

6. Silver sentence needs to be rephrased because it uses wrong Tense and weird amalgam of words: ...His frustration was made clear in his speech. ...

7. In the sentences next to the last one I mentioned, you use too much 'She' and 'Her' for my taste. It would be nice to introduce her little more than the harsh ,,Brown hair, hazel (not hazle) eyes, blue skirt". And it's kinda weird, in an unusually dark night, he sees her eyes' color perfectly. They should appear black in those circumstances.

8. I got bored quite fast in the dialogue - you need to express more emotions in there. If it says: "..."; add (from time to time) -he said -she muttered shyly -...

9. Take a look in here:
...I live in the western part of the village...
...They began walking towards the western part of the village...
...a few hundred meters to get to the western part of town...
Always remember to use little variations when writing a story.

10. ...when she finally said... It appears like both the Warrior and the Woman waited an eternity for the following sentence to be said. Use the
-..when she broke the silence with the words:...
Well, I hope that I've helped you in this or that way. Take another read to what I pointed you that can be improved in the first paragraph, and let me know if you want another review or anything else I can help you with. Have a nice day.
Oh, and by the way, who is deciding of who will be judges?
 

idodik

idodik

idodik

Level 12
Joined
Aug 22, 2008
Messages
911
@Apheraz Lucent:
Thank you for the feedback, I will address the things you pointed out. However keep in mind that they could be helping deliver the point, such as the last comment - perhaps I did want it to seem like they walked an eternity together.
 

Kercyn

Kercyn

Kercyn

Level 11
Joined
Feb 14, 2009
Messages
884
mattplaz said:
uhh....
if my brother is my partner, is that OK?
he never even created a hiveworkshop.com account...
although i know its gonna be a no...
Click to expand...

Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with that, as long as he creates a THW account. I'm not a judge though, so you should expect a reply from one of the mods.
 

Vizel

Vizel

Vizel

Level 12
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
1,067
According to Py, "blatant sock puppets" are not allowed...

Or I would have entered with my roommate.
 

Vizel

Vizel

Vizel

Level 12
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
1,067
Depending on how the IPs are seen, the same IP could be the same city-area, or the same house.

Some people are also too poor to have multiple computers, or use the same one, you know, so even if it was the same MACHINE, it is no guarantee.

So, my roommate, whom would share the same location IP as me, would look like a "blatant sock puppet" since we'd just use my desktop to write it.

His laptop has internet connection issues, so it would STILL look like a sock puppet as far as IPs go. Hence your argument is invalid as far as IP is concerned.
 

Skycraft

Skycraft

Skycraft

Level 17
Joined
Nov 11, 2010
Messages
1,974
With the dual perspectives, would that mean to say you have to make two protagonists, each having different time intervals in the story with different perspectives?
 

Grey Nightmare

Grey Nightmare

Grey Nightmare

Level 20
Joined
Feb 24, 2009
Messages
2,999
stevienicks said:
With the dual perspectives, would that mean to say you have to make two protagonists, each having different time intervals in the story with different perspectives?
Click to expand...

Doesn't have to be different time intervals, but effectively yes.
You have two characters and write from each ones perspective for roughly half the story.

Apheraz Lucent said:
Found something for you guys (and girls): http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/miscellaneous-tutorials-456/writing-story-165982/
Click to expand...

Umm, ok...?
 

Dr Wigglz

Dr Wigglz

Dr Wigglz

Level 6
Joined
Sep 18, 2010
Messages
261
This could be fun

-HellBreed- said:
Two perspectives huh? Better get to work, There are lots of things I got to do.
So there must be partners? By that I mean 2 different people combining their ideas.
Click to expand...

No i don't think they mean you have to have partners. Unsure if it's optional or not, but i think what they do mean is that the author is supposed to tell a story from 2 characters's perspectives.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Vizel

Vizel

Vizel

Level 12
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
1,067
You HAVE to have partners. That's why it's called a PAIRED contest. This has been said early on in the thread, and I'm repeating it here again.

Furthermore, if any new teams arise, please say so here, or send me a VM with the partner's name, and I shall update the list on page 10 accordingly.
 

Zealon

Zealon

Zealon

Level 13
Joined
Mar 13, 2010
Messages
1,172
Well, I writing it now. But its taken us a while to do the story so far, so lets hope we'll post a WIP soon, and get it done before 7 days D:
 

Vizel

Vizel

Vizel

Level 12
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
1,067
And now for a quick Public Service Announcement!

As you all (hopefully) know, the end of the contest is getting close now.

All teams must submit at least one WiP. As of this post, of the 7 teams still participating, two have yet to post a WiP.

The teams of:

  • -Peper- & Zealon
  • Amargaard & TheFairfield
The end draws near. Keep them fingers moving, and good luck, everyone, :D

I am not a mod. Nor do I wish to come off as one.
I am not a judge. Nor do I wish to be, or to be assumed one.
I am simply relaxing after work, and decided to do this. :)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

aaron
  • Locked
Short Story Contest
Replies
28
Views
1K
Pyritie
Pyritie
Pyritie
  • Locked
Short Story Contest #5 - Results
Replies
46
Views
4K
Dragonson
Dragonson
SilverEx
  • Locked
Short Story Contest #3 - Heirloom
5 6 7
Replies
343
Views
20K
Pyritie
Pyritie
Pyritie
  • Locked
  • Poll
Short Story Contest #5 - Poll
7 8 9
Replies
426
Views
20K
Pyritie
Pyritie
leet.firefox
  • Locked
Short Story Contest #6 - Survival Horror
6 7 8
Replies
368
Views
22K
Dragonson
Dragonson
Top