- Joined
- Nov 26, 2006
- Messages
- 11,136
Dual Perspective
Partners
Entrants were required to produce a 7000 word or less Short Story that took place from two perspectives, each roughly half of the story. These two perspectives must be a pair of some sort. (Lovers, Criminals, Mercenaries, Drug Store Clerks, Ect.)
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Plot And Foreshadowing ---------- 12/25
Characterization ----------------- 6/25
Descriptions --------------------- 14/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 19/25
Total: 51 out of 100.
Quite ordinary beginning, and the whole story possesses a lot of grammatical errors. I like the smooth transitions between first and third face of telling story. It's a real cock-and-bull story, but the characters aren't well developed. In this one, it's also un-noticeable to find out where one stopped writing a story and other began. Neat, but needs more knotted story. The beast characters found, it needs more details for us. Quite short, considering the limit of 7000 words.
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Plot And Foreshadowing ---------- 17/25
Characterization ----------------- 8/25
Descriptions --------------------- 11/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 17/25
Total: 53 out of 100.
In some sentences, you can hardly get the point because of their length. All I know about your characters after reading the story is their names and some of their appearance. Some words are repeated too much (Example: ...What he had done was done and it had to be done...). I like the way you told the story as we are sitting in the cafe and talking. Idea of using street language is neat, but you should have represent it in a bit lighter way. The ending is very good, and that's the part I liked the most. Gramatical issues appear here and there, and without them, the story would be more appealing. I don't like the way you gave us little amount of dialog at the beginning, and then rushed us with incredible amount. The story is a bit confusing, and hard to read, and I'm not sure would I read it again. It looks like a crime story with details of street-gangsta. But I like the way you two done a great job together, and it's hardly noticable that this has been written by two persons.
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Plot And Foreshadowing ---------- 19/25
Characterization ----------------- 16/25
Descriptions --------------------- 11/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 16/25
Total: 62 out of 100.
The story has no perspective from which we (readers) can grab upon details and combine the story by ourselves. Characters aren't developed well, we only know little about them through the whole story. You ruined the part where the girl and Johan fight - it was going well, an intruder, and then you said: "She". I don't like the way you represented story, it's as straight as an arrow. I took a bet with my bf on how much 'Shinozu' you will say. I won - over fifty. It's not nice to abuse a person's name that much, use: she, her, ... I was intrigued when you said: her 'features'. I always thought that 100% is max, but you convinced me in other: "Half the camp was trying to help their leader, half their camp died, and almost all of the others, severely injured." Half + half + others = 100++... In several chapters, right one after another, the same story repeats, but on different way of telling. I like usage of several different languages in one text. Ending is beautiful, and I found myself wondering: Isn't it always like that?
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Plot And Foreshadowing ---------- 20/25
Characterization ----------------- 20/25
Descriptions --------------------- 23/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 22/25
Total: 85 out of 100.
Some long sentences loose their meanings due to their size. Kinda hard to read, but I guess that it's just a minor thing. I like the very rich terms of language, and the story has been executed quite well. The idea is neat, but I guess you could polish it a bit more. Maybe some descriptive parts could been slightly shrunken, as I suppose that many would just bounce to next paragraph instead of reading them. A scene where the Golem 'fights' with his mind is quite intriguing, short, and has everything it needs. The scenes with bloody details are creepy and realistic. The story is a bit harsh on explanations, but that's just another minor. The Golem's appearance wasn't much descriptive, a pure contrast to the Girl's. I like the open ending, It's a room to continue the story if it's needed. I found it original, as I never red something like this. Some small grammatical errors in here, but not many. The only thing I can tell that is a big matter is the random wiping of reader between very slow and very fast ongoings.
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Plot And Foreshadowing ---------- 24/25
Characterization ----------------- 25/25
Descriptions --------------------- 23/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 22/25
Total: 94 out of 100.
Very nice introduction on the beginning. Grammatical errors appear here and there, but they are not visible because of the trick you performed to make reader forget everything and focus only on story. The battle scene is frightening, and it adds a touch of action to the fading story. Descriptions of the scene after the battlefield is simply astonishing. Amber is a realistic mirror of a girl that would appear in that time, she's displayed properly and has every single detail we need to imagine. I like the idea to spin the story around the book, it gave me the impression that something completely different would happen if it was not stolen. Story is brilliant, in one word, and I am definitively going to read it several more times. I cried at the ending.
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Plot And Foreshadowing ---------- 23/25
Characterization ----------------- 25/25
Descriptions --------------------- 24/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 24/25
Total: 96 out of 100.
Weird idea to say that a woman is decorated. Good part of story is related to hammer, but you could gave us opportunity to learn a bit more about it and it's existence. We, the readers, are confused: too many characters who are not displayed properly at the beginning - we can't get up with it who is who and who's who's leader. The concept of story is neatly designed, with a lack of simpler details and events. Naming a bow with soulBLADE is not a good idea. I like the scene of their fight, it possesses many details and retails in true acts of two enraged people. I also like how you told the story, it goes randomly from the 'past' to 'present'. It switches reader's mind to constant awareness. One sentence that made me laugh: ,,She watched in amazement as magic met heaven and collided in a hurricane of destruction". Like, "Wow! Look, we're all going to die! Awesome!" The ending is simply beautiful, I cried here as well.
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| 6. -Peper- & Zealon |
Characterization ----------------- 6/25
Descriptions --------------------- 14/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 19/25
Total: 51 out of 100.
Quite ordinary beginning, and the whole story possesses a lot of grammatical errors. I like the smooth transitions between first and third face of telling story. It's a real cock-and-bull story, but the characters aren't well developed. In this one, it's also un-noticeable to find out where one stopped writing a story and other began. Neat, but needs more knotted story. The beast characters found, it needs more details for us. Quite short, considering the limit of 7000 words.
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| 5. baassee & Fussiler1 |
Characterization ----------------- 8/25
Descriptions --------------------- 11/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 17/25
Total: 53 out of 100.
In some sentences, you can hardly get the point because of their length. All I know about your characters after reading the story is their names and some of their appearance. Some words are repeated too much (Example: ...What he had done was done and it had to be done...). I like the way you told the story as we are sitting in the cafe and talking. Idea of using street language is neat, but you should have represent it in a bit lighter way. The ending is very good, and that's the part I liked the most. Gramatical issues appear here and there, and without them, the story would be more appealing. I don't like the way you gave us little amount of dialog at the beginning, and then rushed us with incredible amount. The story is a bit confusing, and hard to read, and I'm not sure would I read it again. It looks like a crime story with details of street-gangsta. But I like the way you two done a great job together, and it's hardly noticable that this has been written by two persons.
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| 4. InfinateAnswers & indomitable1319 |
Characterization ----------------- 16/25
Descriptions --------------------- 11/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 16/25
Total: 62 out of 100.
The story has no perspective from which we (readers) can grab upon details and combine the story by ourselves. Characters aren't developed well, we only know little about them through the whole story. You ruined the part where the girl and Johan fight - it was going well, an intruder, and then you said: "She". I don't like the way you represented story, it's as straight as an arrow. I took a bet with my bf on how much 'Shinozu' you will say. I won - over fifty. It's not nice to abuse a person's name that much, use: she, her, ... I was intrigued when you said: her 'features'. I always thought that 100% is max, but you convinced me in other: "Half the camp was trying to help their leader, half their camp died, and almost all of the others, severely injured." Half + half + others = 100++... In several chapters, right one after another, the same story repeats, but on different way of telling. I like usage of several different languages in one text. Ending is beautiful, and I found myself wondering: Isn't it always like that?
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| 3. The World Is Flat & Grey Nightmare |
Characterization ----------------- 20/25
Descriptions --------------------- 23/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 22/25
Total: 85 out of 100.
Some long sentences loose their meanings due to their size. Kinda hard to read, but I guess that it's just a minor thing. I like the very rich terms of language, and the story has been executed quite well. The idea is neat, but I guess you could polish it a bit more. Maybe some descriptive parts could been slightly shrunken, as I suppose that many would just bounce to next paragraph instead of reading them. A scene where the Golem 'fights' with his mind is quite intriguing, short, and has everything it needs. The scenes with bloody details are creepy and realistic. The story is a bit harsh on explanations, but that's just another minor. The Golem's appearance wasn't much descriptive, a pure contrast to the Girl's. I like the open ending, It's a room to continue the story if it's needed. I found it original, as I never red something like this. Some small grammatical errors in here, but not many. The only thing I can tell that is a big matter is the random wiping of reader between very slow and very fast ongoings.
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| 2. idodik & naitsirk |
Characterization ----------------- 25/25
Descriptions --------------------- 23/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 22/25
Total: 94 out of 100.
Very nice introduction on the beginning. Grammatical errors appear here and there, but they are not visible because of the trick you performed to make reader forget everything and focus only on story. The battle scene is frightening, and it adds a touch of action to the fading story. Descriptions of the scene after the battlefield is simply astonishing. Amber is a realistic mirror of a girl that would appear in that time, she's displayed properly and has every single detail we need to imagine. I like the idea to spin the story around the book, it gave me the impression that something completely different would happen if it was not stolen. Story is brilliant, in one word, and I am definitively going to read it several more times. I cried at the ending.
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| 1. Wolfe & Dragonson |
Characterization ----------------- 25/25
Descriptions --------------------- 24/25
Perspective and Contrast -------- 24/25
Total: 96 out of 100.
Weird idea to say that a woman is decorated. Good part of story is related to hammer, but you could gave us opportunity to learn a bit more about it and it's existence. We, the readers, are confused: too many characters who are not displayed properly at the beginning - we can't get up with it who is who and who's who's leader. The concept of story is neatly designed, with a lack of simpler details and events. Naming a bow with soulBLADE is not a good idea. I like the scene of their fight, it possesses many details and retails in true acts of two enraged people. I also like how you told the story, it goes randomly from the 'past' to 'present'. It switches reader's mind to constant awareness. One sentence that made me laugh: ,,She watched in amazement as magic met heaven and collided in a hurricane of destruction". Like, "Wow! Look, we're all going to die! Awesome!" The ending is simply beautiful, I cried here as well.
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Hunter or Hunted?
- By -Peper- & Zealon
Well you've already said that your story is kind of short, well it's supposed to be short, but it's the shortest one.
Thus the plot is linear and there's no side-story. Your story is basically about 2 hunters who return from a successful hunt to their camp and find out that every animal has disappeared. Then they decide to go in the forest and find out what's happening in there. All of a sudden they're sleeping and when they wake, they split up and eventually find a giant and kill him. THE END.
The prologue is really nice, with the description of the environment and all the expressions used, however when the main part starts, it gets all simple and things aren't fully described.
The 2 characters almost do the same things, when Retch says something, then Zeal agrees and the same when Zeal says something. There are no 'struggles' between the 2 characters and you are trying to change the perspectives, however it doesn't really change the mood. You could have set the mood differently by adding their thoughts to the text, for example when you change the perspective: 'I watched Retch, as he walked past me without fear, while I was trying to keep my feelings together. When you changed the perspective, then you just continued the conversation between the 2 characters.
While I haven't read a book with such a story, I can't say that it's completely unoriginal, however it's not very breathtaking either. You are trying to add some tense to the encounter with the giant, but it ends very quickly and you forget to describe the mood of the character.
And since it's so short, the story can't be very mysterious, since not a lot of events happen in it, that would eventually confuse the reader, because I'm sure everyone knew what the 2 hunters were going to see in the forest.
And to sum everything up, you 2 were trying to write a very intense and mysterious story, however it didn't turn out so well in the end, because it was too short, the descriptions were lacking after the opening and there were no other events than the mysterious disappearing of the animals.
*Note that less points were not given because of the grammar
Plot: 12/25
Characters: 10/25
Descriptions: 16/25
Perspective: 8/25
Rating: 46/100
*Suggestions:
-Expand the story, to allow more characters, events, ...
-The story isn't very intense, try adding some plot twists at some points and make the fights more interesting
-Improve the descriptions
-Don't give up describing the world after the prologue
-Change the mood when the perspective has been changed
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As The Shadow Screams
- By Wolfe & Dragonson
WELP, I almost cried in the end, your story is just beautiful. Now to get to the review: There were several characters and I must say the way you describe Sestina's view of her environment and her description is amazing, Xall was also well described, you told the reader about his runes, the darkness in him and the powers he possessed, not by just saying he's powerful, but also through the duel. The perspective wasn't changed a lot, only once to Mourg's perspective in the village, then it was only Sestina's. However, due to the plot, it wouldn't have been possible for you to implement it easily.
The plot overall is linear, except for the short stories told in the middle of the story, for example what the group of adventurers had achieved in the past.
The prologue is 'positive', you're not telling the reader that the world is going to end. First you talk about the environment then about the high elf and how she sees the world through her own eyes.
The best part of the story is of course, the duel. I can see that you were trying to tell the reader, that none of them are overpowered and that both of them are at some point suffering from blows. However, Sestina was winning from the beginning on, yet you were still trying to hide her obvious victory by adding different expressions to Xall's face and him summoning a dark fist. At that point, you would think that she would now lose, but she eventually got control over herself again and resisted the attack.
Overall, you've created an astounishing atmosphere through all the descriptions and Sestina's thoughts. The duel was always intense and sometimes you just couldn't tell what would be happening next.
And to end my review, you didn't stop describing everything happening after the prologue, which is quite nice and the used words were not repetitive.
*I will not be giving you 25/25 because the story is not perfect, for example the change of perspectives, but I'm sure you can agree with me here, because no one is perfect at doing something. (Oh dear I'm getting all emo now)
Plot: 20/25
Characters: 22/25
Descriptions: 22/25
Perspective: 17/25
Rating: 81/100
*Suggestions:
-Better perspective changes
-Make the fights not too predictable (It's nice, but some tweaks would be nice)
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Book & Blade
- By idodik & naitsirk
Lets start with the plot, it's basically about a young woman and a young guard who met each other and the woman, called Amber had stolen a holy book from the church. Then after this short event, the girl woke up and after some time the priest came and took Amber with him to the church (or somewhere else). And on the other side, the guard Seth was escorting the mayor through the village and suddenly orcs attacked the village and killed everyone.
Now everything was happening very quickly at this time, you didn't describe the environment around the guard when he heard the cries and saw the orcs approaching. You could have also told us more about his way of fighting in that situation, he suddenly killed a few, ran to the dying captain and then he was dead. It would have been nice if you had extended the battle scene a little. And talking about descriptions, there weren't really a lot of them in the story. For example in the prologue, you start talking about the guard right away and don't really describe the village, for example how the houses looked like or if there was anything special nearby.
But, I like the way you return in time and change the perspectives. Yet, it's like as if the story is being told by a narrator, you don't really get to know Amber's or Seth's thoughts. And at this part '...Out came an orc berserker, the same one that will strike Seth afterwards (and that will soon afterwards find his death)', it becomes obvious that you're not really playing around with the perspectives and making it look like as if we're in the body of Amber. Because if we (the readers) would feel like that, then we wouldn't know that it would be the same orc and we would know what she's thinking.
You did change the perspectives, but because that the story is being told by a narrator and not by the characters, it doesn't really work.
As for the character descriptions, you don't describe them right away in the beginning or when they meet each other for the first time. For example you tell us more about them in the ending scene, where she's sitting next to Seth's body. I think that's nice actually, you don't just rush in the descriptions at one point.
Now the story has some nice moments, for example the ending was very well written, they look each other in the eyes and they think that it's destiny. Even the orc who kills them at that point, it's like a happy and sad ending, the 2 lovers find each other in the end and forget the world around them.
To sum everything up, you did change the perspectives a few times and also went back in time to tell the readers what was happening at the other side of the village, yet it didn't really change the mood and the story wasn't told by the characters (of course that wasn't necessarily asked).
The plot is enjoyable and isn't completely unoriginal, you tell us a lot about the characters, but they don't really evolve a lot throughout the events.
Plot: 18/25
Characters: 16/25
Descriptions: 14/25
Perspective: 12/25
Rating: 60/100
*Suggestions:
-Make the characters tell us the story
-Change the mood and the atmosphere when you change perspectives
-Describe things better, also make battle scenes more intense and more interesting
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????
- By TWIF & Grey Nightmare
Does your entry have a title? Maybe it does and I haven't seen it.
The plot: The prologue is very mysterious, you open up the story with someone looking at a dead(frozen) girl and you start describing the cold, harsh environment around him.
But, the descriptions are really nice and almost everything is described well, however, it's like as if you were throwing in all the descriptions at some points and sometimes overwhelming the reader, in the beginning it was still nice, you described a few things and there was also a person talking or 'things happening'. But sometimes it was like as if you paused the events and started describing everything all over again and then resuming the story.
There are a lot of descriptions, but at the wrong points. The characters are very interesting, the golem had a bloody, violent past apparently and his mind was sometimes divided and he couldn't think clear. The Karthenians, especially the leader was also a bit strange and also had some thoughs, but overall not so interesting, he was almost like the other soldiers, except he was giving orders. His role wasn't very long in the story and thus he wasn't struggling with uncertainty for example, while climbing the rocks.
You changed the perspectives a few times, not a lot whatsoever and the story was being told by the characters. The mood also somehow changed with the changes, for example when in the golem's view, the world around him was all dark and confusing.
The story has some confusing parts and also mysterious ones, for example why the golem decided to defend the girl or the ending with the revived girl.
To sum everything up, the plot is interesting, but sometimes loses the pace because of the descriptions being rushed in, the perspective changes are nice, it would have been better if the second character's role would have been a bit longer.
The characters' thoughts change a lot, except for the Karthenian leader, who's role is a bit too short and thus doesn't play a big role in the story.
Plot: 18/25
Characters: 16/25
Descriptions: 13/25
Perspective: 16/25
Rating: 63/100
*Suggestions:
-Don't describe too many things at one point
-Balance the length of the roles
-Don't focus on one character
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A Cycle of Death
- By baassee & Fussiler1
Well your story is a bit too long for this contest, but meh. Lets start with the plot, it's about 2 brothers who hate each other, but you don't really know how and when it started. They have a drunk father and they're both killers apparently, oh what a happy story.
Then they start harming each other, but indirectly, Eric murders Zander's girlfriend and Zander kills Alexander (as far as I understood).
You're trying to grab the reader's attention with a lot of descriptions, however the story is a bit empty. What I mean by that, is that it's just about 2 brothers trying to harm each other and eventually actually killing each other, but we don't know why.
The prologue is well written, lots of expressions used etc., but then it's like as if you were in a hurry and had to finish your story. The numerous expressions disappear, the dialogues are lacking emotions,...
What I also hate is that the story actually starts in the middle, you don't have any clue of the plot in the beginning whatsoever.
You should have also used the characters' names more often, the 'him' sometimes confused me. Next, some of your expressions or sentences are a bit, well lets just say 'stupid', not fitting to the rest of the story, for example 'Zander wished he had balls. ', '..pregnant women..',
'There was no one there, it was all empty like the Sahara desert. Not that he had been there but what he had seen in movies.', seriously just leave these sentences out.
The conversations are also missing emotions, when the so called 'black guy' took out his gun and yelled at the other guy, you didn't tell the reader how he was feeling, instead he just gave the black guy a lame answer.
The perspectives change quite a few times and yet it's still being told by a narrator. However, you still told us how the character was feeling at that point and what he was thinking.
The characters are very mysterious, you tell the reader they had a dark past, they're constantly struggling with themselves.
To sum things up, the story is lacking some other events, it's just about 2 brothers harming each other, and we don't find out why.
You described things well in the beginning, but then stopped after the prologue, you toyed around with the perspectives and actually changed the mood&atmosphere that way.
Also, the ending really leaves the reader hanging.
Plot: 12/25
Characters: 14/25
Descriptions: 13/25
Perspective: 15/25
Rating: 54/100
*Suggestions:
-Describe things constantly, not just in the prologue
-Add a side story and make it more interesting, not just the same thing over and over again
-Write a more intense story, and make it start right in the beginning
------
The Book of Souls
- By InfinateAnswers & indomitable1319
The way you've written your story is really weird, always 2-3 sentences and a chapter ends, I thought chapters would be bigger than that. You also named 2 of them, but then you gave up for some reason.
Now to the story, the plot is interesting, it's actually quite original (well ok maybe I haven't read a lot of bandit stories), it's about a girl who has lost her parents and who is trying to find shelter somewhere and one day she finds the farmer Johan, who will later on accompany her and they will eventually kill the man who killed her parents, as an old lady wanted them to.
You immediately see a bond between the 2 characters when they meet each other and the characters evolve. You already started the story in the prologue and didn't just describe everything, you first described the environment and the story already began with Johan dreaming.
You introduce new characters to the story either in the middle or in the end, which makes things a bit more interesting.
Now as for the perspective changes, I don't think you actually changed the perspectives, like after some time, you would see the world through the second main character's eyes, because I guess that was the whole point of this contest, to change the perspectives.
Some more descriptions would have been nice in the middle of the story, for example telling us how cold the mountain was, how the characters felt,...
Overall, this is quite a polished story, except for the fact that you didn't really change the perspectives, but the plot is interesting with the book turning out to be their only hope in the end and then the ending as well.
The only thing that would have been a plus would have been a longer fighting scene in the barn perhaps.
Plot: 18/25
Characters: 17/25
Descriptions: 14/25
Perspective: 8/25
Rating: 57/100
*Suggestions:
-Change the perspectives, changing the atmosphere&the story's narrator
-More descriptions, describe the environment surrounding the characters
- By -Peper- & Zealon
Well you've already said that your story is kind of short, well it's supposed to be short, but it's the shortest one.
Thus the plot is linear and there's no side-story. Your story is basically about 2 hunters who return from a successful hunt to their camp and find out that every animal has disappeared. Then they decide to go in the forest and find out what's happening in there. All of a sudden they're sleeping and when they wake, they split up and eventually find a giant and kill him. THE END.
The prologue is really nice, with the description of the environment and all the expressions used, however when the main part starts, it gets all simple and things aren't fully described.
The 2 characters almost do the same things, when Retch says something, then Zeal agrees and the same when Zeal says something. There are no 'struggles' between the 2 characters and you are trying to change the perspectives, however it doesn't really change the mood. You could have set the mood differently by adding their thoughts to the text, for example when you change the perspective: 'I watched Retch, as he walked past me without fear, while I was trying to keep my feelings together. When you changed the perspective, then you just continued the conversation between the 2 characters.
While I haven't read a book with such a story, I can't say that it's completely unoriginal, however it's not very breathtaking either. You are trying to add some tense to the encounter with the giant, but it ends very quickly and you forget to describe the mood of the character.
And since it's so short, the story can't be very mysterious, since not a lot of events happen in it, that would eventually confuse the reader, because I'm sure everyone knew what the 2 hunters were going to see in the forest.
And to sum everything up, you 2 were trying to write a very intense and mysterious story, however it didn't turn out so well in the end, because it was too short, the descriptions were lacking after the opening and there were no other events than the mysterious disappearing of the animals.
*Note that less points were not given because of the grammar
Plot: 12/25
Characters: 10/25
Descriptions: 16/25
Perspective: 8/25
Rating: 46/100
*Suggestions:
-Expand the story, to allow more characters, events, ...
-The story isn't very intense, try adding some plot twists at some points and make the fights more interesting
-Improve the descriptions
-Don't give up describing the world after the prologue
-Change the mood when the perspective has been changed
------
As The Shadow Screams
- By Wolfe & Dragonson
WELP, I almost cried in the end, your story is just beautiful. Now to get to the review: There were several characters and I must say the way you describe Sestina's view of her environment and her description is amazing, Xall was also well described, you told the reader about his runes, the darkness in him and the powers he possessed, not by just saying he's powerful, but also through the duel. The perspective wasn't changed a lot, only once to Mourg's perspective in the village, then it was only Sestina's. However, due to the plot, it wouldn't have been possible for you to implement it easily.
The plot overall is linear, except for the short stories told in the middle of the story, for example what the group of adventurers had achieved in the past.
The prologue is 'positive', you're not telling the reader that the world is going to end. First you talk about the environment then about the high elf and how she sees the world through her own eyes.
The best part of the story is of course, the duel. I can see that you were trying to tell the reader, that none of them are overpowered and that both of them are at some point suffering from blows. However, Sestina was winning from the beginning on, yet you were still trying to hide her obvious victory by adding different expressions to Xall's face and him summoning a dark fist. At that point, you would think that she would now lose, but she eventually got control over herself again and resisted the attack.
Overall, you've created an astounishing atmosphere through all the descriptions and Sestina's thoughts. The duel was always intense and sometimes you just couldn't tell what would be happening next.
And to end my review, you didn't stop describing everything happening after the prologue, which is quite nice and the used words were not repetitive.
*I will not be giving you 25/25 because the story is not perfect, for example the change of perspectives, but I'm sure you can agree with me here, because no one is perfect at doing something. (Oh dear I'm getting all emo now)
Plot: 20/25
Characters: 22/25
Descriptions: 22/25
Perspective: 17/25
Rating: 81/100
*Suggestions:
-Better perspective changes
-Make the fights not too predictable (It's nice, but some tweaks would be nice)
------
Book & Blade
- By idodik & naitsirk
Lets start with the plot, it's basically about a young woman and a young guard who met each other and the woman, called Amber had stolen a holy book from the church. Then after this short event, the girl woke up and after some time the priest came and took Amber with him to the church (or somewhere else). And on the other side, the guard Seth was escorting the mayor through the village and suddenly orcs attacked the village and killed everyone.
Now everything was happening very quickly at this time, you didn't describe the environment around the guard when he heard the cries and saw the orcs approaching. You could have also told us more about his way of fighting in that situation, he suddenly killed a few, ran to the dying captain and then he was dead. It would have been nice if you had extended the battle scene a little. And talking about descriptions, there weren't really a lot of them in the story. For example in the prologue, you start talking about the guard right away and don't really describe the village, for example how the houses looked like or if there was anything special nearby.
But, I like the way you return in time and change the perspectives. Yet, it's like as if the story is being told by a narrator, you don't really get to know Amber's or Seth's thoughts. And at this part '...Out came an orc berserker, the same one that will strike Seth afterwards (and that will soon afterwards find his death)', it becomes obvious that you're not really playing around with the perspectives and making it look like as if we're in the body of Amber. Because if we (the readers) would feel like that, then we wouldn't know that it would be the same orc and we would know what she's thinking.
You did change the perspectives, but because that the story is being told by a narrator and not by the characters, it doesn't really work.
As for the character descriptions, you don't describe them right away in the beginning or when they meet each other for the first time. For example you tell us more about them in the ending scene, where she's sitting next to Seth's body. I think that's nice actually, you don't just rush in the descriptions at one point.
Now the story has some nice moments, for example the ending was very well written, they look each other in the eyes and they think that it's destiny. Even the orc who kills them at that point, it's like a happy and sad ending, the 2 lovers find each other in the end and forget the world around them.
To sum everything up, you did change the perspectives a few times and also went back in time to tell the readers what was happening at the other side of the village, yet it didn't really change the mood and the story wasn't told by the characters (of course that wasn't necessarily asked).
The plot is enjoyable and isn't completely unoriginal, you tell us a lot about the characters, but they don't really evolve a lot throughout the events.
Plot: 18/25
Characters: 16/25
Descriptions: 14/25
Perspective: 12/25
Rating: 60/100
*Suggestions:
-Make the characters tell us the story
-Change the mood and the atmosphere when you change perspectives
-Describe things better, also make battle scenes more intense and more interesting
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????
- By TWIF & Grey Nightmare
Does your entry have a title? Maybe it does and I haven't seen it.
The plot: The prologue is very mysterious, you open up the story with someone looking at a dead(frozen) girl and you start describing the cold, harsh environment around him.
But, the descriptions are really nice and almost everything is described well, however, it's like as if you were throwing in all the descriptions at some points and sometimes overwhelming the reader, in the beginning it was still nice, you described a few things and there was also a person talking or 'things happening'. But sometimes it was like as if you paused the events and started describing everything all over again and then resuming the story.
There are a lot of descriptions, but at the wrong points. The characters are very interesting, the golem had a bloody, violent past apparently and his mind was sometimes divided and he couldn't think clear. The Karthenians, especially the leader was also a bit strange and also had some thoughs, but overall not so interesting, he was almost like the other soldiers, except he was giving orders. His role wasn't very long in the story and thus he wasn't struggling with uncertainty for example, while climbing the rocks.
You changed the perspectives a few times, not a lot whatsoever and the story was being told by the characters. The mood also somehow changed with the changes, for example when in the golem's view, the world around him was all dark and confusing.
The story has some confusing parts and also mysterious ones, for example why the golem decided to defend the girl or the ending with the revived girl.
To sum everything up, the plot is interesting, but sometimes loses the pace because of the descriptions being rushed in, the perspective changes are nice, it would have been better if the second character's role would have been a bit longer.
The characters' thoughts change a lot, except for the Karthenian leader, who's role is a bit too short and thus doesn't play a big role in the story.
Plot: 18/25
Characters: 16/25
Descriptions: 13/25
Perspective: 16/25
Rating: 63/100
*Suggestions:
-Don't describe too many things at one point
-Balance the length of the roles
-Don't focus on one character
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A Cycle of Death
- By baassee & Fussiler1
Well your story is a bit too long for this contest, but meh. Lets start with the plot, it's about 2 brothers who hate each other, but you don't really know how and when it started. They have a drunk father and they're both killers apparently, oh what a happy story.
Then they start harming each other, but indirectly, Eric murders Zander's girlfriend and Zander kills Alexander (as far as I understood).
You're trying to grab the reader's attention with a lot of descriptions, however the story is a bit empty. What I mean by that, is that it's just about 2 brothers trying to harm each other and eventually actually killing each other, but we don't know why.
The prologue is well written, lots of expressions used etc., but then it's like as if you were in a hurry and had to finish your story. The numerous expressions disappear, the dialogues are lacking emotions,...
What I also hate is that the story actually starts in the middle, you don't have any clue of the plot in the beginning whatsoever.
You should have also used the characters' names more often, the 'him' sometimes confused me. Next, some of your expressions or sentences are a bit, well lets just say 'stupid', not fitting to the rest of the story, for example 'Zander wished he had balls. ', '..pregnant women..',
'There was no one there, it was all empty like the Sahara desert. Not that he had been there but what he had seen in movies.', seriously just leave these sentences out.
The conversations are also missing emotions, when the so called 'black guy' took out his gun and yelled at the other guy, you didn't tell the reader how he was feeling, instead he just gave the black guy a lame answer.
The perspectives change quite a few times and yet it's still being told by a narrator. However, you still told us how the character was feeling at that point and what he was thinking.
The characters are very mysterious, you tell the reader they had a dark past, they're constantly struggling with themselves.
To sum things up, the story is lacking some other events, it's just about 2 brothers harming each other, and we don't find out why.
You described things well in the beginning, but then stopped after the prologue, you toyed around with the perspectives and actually changed the mood&atmosphere that way.
Also, the ending really leaves the reader hanging.
Plot: 12/25
Characters: 14/25
Descriptions: 13/25
Perspective: 15/25
Rating: 54/100
*Suggestions:
-Describe things constantly, not just in the prologue
-Add a side story and make it more interesting, not just the same thing over and over again
-Write a more intense story, and make it start right in the beginning
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The Book of Souls
- By InfinateAnswers & indomitable1319
The way you've written your story is really weird, always 2-3 sentences and a chapter ends, I thought chapters would be bigger than that. You also named 2 of them, but then you gave up for some reason.
Now to the story, the plot is interesting, it's actually quite original (well ok maybe I haven't read a lot of bandit stories), it's about a girl who has lost her parents and who is trying to find shelter somewhere and one day she finds the farmer Johan, who will later on accompany her and they will eventually kill the man who killed her parents, as an old lady wanted them to.
You immediately see a bond between the 2 characters when they meet each other and the characters evolve. You already started the story in the prologue and didn't just describe everything, you first described the environment and the story already began with Johan dreaming.
You introduce new characters to the story either in the middle or in the end, which makes things a bit more interesting.
Now as for the perspective changes, I don't think you actually changed the perspectives, like after some time, you would see the world through the second main character's eyes, because I guess that was the whole point of this contest, to change the perspectives.
Some more descriptions would have been nice in the middle of the story, for example telling us how cold the mountain was, how the characters felt,...
Overall, this is quite a polished story, except for the fact that you didn't really change the perspectives, but the plot is interesting with the book turning out to be their only hope in the end and then the ending as well.
The only thing that would have been a plus would have been a longer fighting scene in the barn perhaps.
Plot: 18/25
Characters: 17/25
Descriptions: 14/25
Perspective: 8/25
Rating: 57/100
*Suggestions:
-Change the perspectives, changing the atmosphere&the story's narrator
-More descriptions, describe the environment surrounding the characters
(((Apheraz Lucent's judging + Vengeancekael's judging) / 2) * 0.75) + ((Votes / Total votes) * 25) = Total score
-Peper- & Zealon: (((51 + 46) / 2) * 0.75) + ((4 / 43) * 25) = 38.7005814
Wolfe & Dragonson: (((96 + 81) / 2) * 0.75) + ((15 / 43) * 25) = 75.0959302
baassee & Fussiler1: (((53 + 54) / 2) * 0.75) + ((5 / 43) * 25) = 43.0319767
InfinateAnswers & indomitable1319: (((62 + 57) / 2) * 0.75) + ((4 / 43) * 25) = 46.9505814
The World Is Flat & Grey Nightmare: (((85 + 63) / 2) * 0.75) + ((13 / 43) * 25) = 63.0581395
idodik & naitsirk: (((94 + 60) / 2) * 0.75) + ((2 / 43) * 25) = 58.9127907
Poll | Contest
