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Survival Horror
Contestants had to write a story about an individual or a group of individuals who were dealing with supernatural phenomenons and other-worldly horrors. The story was to be written from the perspective of one of the survivors.
Read Me!
All good criticism should be judged the way art is. You shouldn't read it the way you read history or science.
- Leslie Fiedler
"In other words, don't take mine or anyone else's judging to heart, it's not fact. Just because we say something about your work, doesn't make it so. It is merely an expressed opinion - a view from the experienced - you may benefit from the criticism given, you may choose to heed it. On the other hand you may feel it's harsh, undeserved and inaccurate and by god's grace it may very well be so! At the end of the day, just remember when we judge you, we do not define you. But rather... ourselves.
-Grey Nightmare
Style - 22/25
Your time to shine! I loved the style of this piece, it was one of - if not the most - inventive pieces in this competition, the consistent flashbacks, elements of mystery and most importantly the 'unseen' enemy all really made me 'feel the mood' - there's nothing scarier than that dreamt up by the reader's imagination!
Theme - 14/25
The theme was a survival horror, creatures of the supernatural chasing and or killing a group of 'survivors' - Typical examples would be zombies, demon apocalypses and the like. You've got something very different here and I like that, however I never got that feeling that the main character was a survivor. I felt as if I knew he was doomed from the start and believe you focussed a bit too much on the 'what happened' and mysterious elements behind it rather than the 'what's happening now' and scary elements behind it.
Pacing - 18/25
The pacing was very nice, you took time to explain things yet sped up appropriately when things heated up. Although executed well for the most part, the past/present transition got a little bit confusing on the odd occasion.
Characters - 12/25
Besides the odd flashback and that moment where he was very willing to leave the dwarf (spectre?) behind I don't feel you spent enough time developing your character, I didn't find myself sympathising, caring for or even hating the guy. This combined with the lack of additional characters resulted in a rather low mark here.
Total - 66/100
Style - 16/25
The style was fine but again nothing special - Mark's revelation and mad gunshots were about as gripping as it got though. I think you should've built up the tension before the camp was attacked a tad more.
Theme - 15/25
The theme was adequate, but it was nothing new, nothing really interesting. It seemed like any other zombie story, some are big, some fly. There is a couple of survivors who meet some others and then a mad scientist turns out to be the culprit. Don't get me wrong it's not BAD, it's just not as imaginative as some of the other entries.
Pacing - 15/25
The pacing was pretty good, it wasn't solid but you were fairly consistent. You didn't rush too many things. Saying that though your description balance was a bit off. Sometimes you'd say it hit him and other times you'd do a sentence or two describing a single punch (ok maybe not that much you get the idea), the style of description was a tad inconsistent which affected the pace.
Characters - 21/25
Your strong point for sure, I like the amount of characters, enough to interact but so many as to lose count or track. The characters were portrayed well, Ron and Mark stood out the most. My only niggle is you could've dropped a few more pointers that Mark was evil, it was more shocking than it should've been. It's always nice for the reader to look back and say "Of course! It was Mark all along!".
Total - 67/100
Style - 20/25
The style was actually pretty good, there was nothing that really stood out, but I felt inclined to read on at all times, no toilet break excuses on this one... The scene where the main character hid from the general/monster was fairly tense.
Theme - 16/25
The theme was a big let down here, for the first half to maybe even three quarters of the story it seemed you'd totally forgotten that you were writing a survival horror, what you wrote was great, very interesting but it was only towards the last quarter that I started feeling the whole 'survival' part.
Pacing - 14/25
The pacing was very poor, it's probably such that's too blame for the above score. You just took way to long to reveal the 'threat' and 'disease' that made it a survival.
Characters - 20/25
Another good story for characterisation, the main character and second acted exactly how I'd expect them to throughout. The antagonist was great to but we didn't see quite as much of as would've been nice!
Total - 70/100
Style - 15/25
Not at any point did I feel any particular part of the story grasp my attention or 'jumpstart' my heart, take the time to plan the plot a bit more carefully, try changing style slightly to compliment pace and events.
Theme - 14/25
The story fit the theme, to some extent but it seemed like a single boy's horror or mysterious happening. None of the other characters seemed to notice and the world most certainly did not come to an 'end' or any point where I would begin to dub him a 'survivor'.
Pacing - 14/25
The pacing wasn't so great either, I felt and believe you did rush the story to some degree or another. Try and take more time to develop things - my advice - don't use chapters in short stories not one as short as yours at any rate.
Characters - 10/25
This could've been better, I suppose Jess' remorse counts for something but the teachers and his 'friend' seemed very undeveloped - like you'd just thrown them in for the sake of story progression, take time to either show or explain how your characters feel. An expressive character is a believable character.
Total - 53/100
Style - 13/25
The style was a bit of a let down here, the story progressed well, but nothing especially exciting happened - well I tell a lie - I think the speedy assault up the stairs was ok, but it lacked any real heart-pounding or just plain old gripping events.
Theme - 15/25
The story fit the theme, but it didn't do much more, again a lack of originality - try and be a bit more creative think and tell the reader what makes your zombies and your end of the world special, what makes your piece worth marking higher than anyone elses? Don't be afraid to try something new!
Pacing - 17/25
The pacing was good, not great but good. You sped up and slowed down. The tree escape, park confrontation and stair attack are all pretty good examples of this.
Characters - 18/25
Although developed, I still think you could've taken it a step further. I like how you at least told the reader how he's feeling and having it from a diary perspective although hardly new or unique - it definitely gave the reader an insight into your character's motives and feelings. Maybe another Character or two could've spiced this one up, or a more dramatic entry of sorts, a last, desperate scribble perhaps? The long, explained break you have between two such entries is along the right lines.
Total - 63/100
Style - 20/25
The style was good, though not as strong as the other points - the build up to 'attacks' and the periodic event induced by the character's emotional strain were pretty darn intense, good job!
Theme - 21/25
The story fit the theme smartly, you touched on the theme of survival, described the world in great detail, advanced on the 'threat' (which was a really nice idea, the dead wanting you back - as opposed to the living missing them ^^).
Pacing - 20/25
The pacing was good, very good. Although again I did find myself raising an eyebrow or two when past reference clashed with the present. Particularly your referral to Austin's death.
Characters - 23/25
Yet again another one of my favourites for characterisation - I loved the feeling of hate, regret, jealously and even that little bit of love. The characters acted like survivors, they were desperate perhaps even insane (thinking of a particular female ...). Very diverse and very well executed approach. My only gripe was the relationship between Cheyenne and John it could've been reflected on a tiny bit more, as it was a rather abrupt revelation.
Total - 84/100
Side note; That copyright crap wasn't really needed now was it?
Style - 15/25
The style was O.K. - Some of the events were darn ludicrous maybe even humorous, others were boring - but the balance was good.
Theme - 15/25
I must say it's imaginative... I guess it is a survival of sorts and would be horrendously disturbing?
Pacing - 14/25
The pacing was pretty bizarre, I think you tried to cram too much into a small story (rushed movement/lack of detailed description). It fit though, there wasn't too much change of pace, so that's all good. You also mentioned several things in brackets that hindered reading it's not advised to put (like the abomination in warcraft III!) or similar remarks within a finished story. They should be able to come up with an image close to that through description, this isn't a play.
Characters - 15/25
The characterisation was good to some degree, at least for the main three characters however there were a lot of points where I just wanted to scream. I mean would two (13-16?) kids would just sit going 'oh my god' and smiling when a teacher RIPS another child's head off!? I had to re-read it several times to make sure you didn't mean metaphorically. Other characters seemed a bit 'golem-ish' such as Jack and Simon could've done with a bit more personality. Advice? Tone stuff down, be a bit more 'realistic' - I know it's fantasy but ...
Total - 59/100
Style - 22/25
I liked this one, I liked it a lot!
The style was somewhat 'disturbing' - It fitted with the pace perfectly, you described just enough to let our imagination do the rest of the work, and work well it did.
Theme - 20/25
Very different, very peculiar. I'm hesitant to say whether it's a survival. I mean did he survive the ghosts or the avalanche and did he even imagine the latter because the former had drove him mad?! But it's most certainly a horror and he didn't die either way (so he survived?!).
Pacing - 24/25
The pacing was BRILLIANT - astounding, I'd give you full marks but I kinda have a policy against that. You could've so easily rushed that story but no you took it day by day, slept in several huts saw different things every night, the monsters got worse, the visions more lucid all in perfect timing. Great, can't fault it really (well I could but let's not get picky eh?).
Characters - 20/25
There was only one character but I think I can safely say I connected with him and is state of mind, a tiny bit more hysteria wouldn't have gone amiss though.
Total - 88/100
Style - 14/25
I wasn't a big fan of the style, I don't know if it was intentional but sometimes you didn't use speech marks for character speech which I suppose WOULD be ok - had you then used it in other situations. You could've done with building up a lot more tension. There was neat mystery in there though, I was disappointed we didn't find out more about Rick's and that demon's relationship.
Theme - 16/25
Zombies again!? Well the world was obviously in a right state and I liked the addition of Rick's unstable mind. The demon overlord was a nice twist to.
Pacing - 10/25
The pacing was your biggest let down, everything happened way too fast. One paragraph your on a plane find one zombie and next you know you've crashed and the whole world (or London/England) is infested? You could do with slowing down and dragging each scene out a bit more.
Characters - 14/25
The characterisation wasn't amazing either, the demon oozed typical 'join me or die' bad guy. Rick was pretty funny and had an obvious attitude but the Girl and Bill could've done with a lot more development.
Total - 54/100
All good criticism should be judged the way art is. You shouldn't read it the way you read history or science.
- Leslie Fiedler
"In other words, don't take mine or anyone else's judging to heart, it's not fact. Just because we say something about your work, doesn't make it so. It is merely an expressed opinion - a view from the experienced - you may benefit from the criticism given, you may choose to heed it. On the other hand you may feel it's harsh, undeserved and inaccurate and by god's grace it may very well be so! At the end of the day, just remember when we judge you, we do not define you. But rather... ourselves.
-Grey Nightmare
Style - 22/25
Your time to shine! I loved the style of this piece, it was one of - if not the most - inventive pieces in this competition, the consistent flashbacks, elements of mystery and most importantly the 'unseen' enemy all really made me 'feel the mood' - there's nothing scarier than that dreamt up by the reader's imagination!
Theme - 14/25
The theme was a survival horror, creatures of the supernatural chasing and or killing a group of 'survivors' - Typical examples would be zombies, demon apocalypses and the like. You've got something very different here and I like that, however I never got that feeling that the main character was a survivor. I felt as if I knew he was doomed from the start and believe you focussed a bit too much on the 'what happened' and mysterious elements behind it rather than the 'what's happening now' and scary elements behind it.
Pacing - 18/25
The pacing was very nice, you took time to explain things yet sped up appropriately when things heated up. Although executed well for the most part, the past/present transition got a little bit confusing on the odd occasion.
Characters - 12/25
Besides the odd flashback and that moment where he was very willing to leave the dwarf (spectre?) behind I don't feel you spent enough time developing your character, I didn't find myself sympathising, caring for or even hating the guy. This combined with the lack of additional characters resulted in a rather low mark here.
Total - 66/100
Style - 16/25
The style was fine but again nothing special - Mark's revelation and mad gunshots were about as gripping as it got though. I think you should've built up the tension before the camp was attacked a tad more.
Theme - 15/25
The theme was adequate, but it was nothing new, nothing really interesting. It seemed like any other zombie story, some are big, some fly. There is a couple of survivors who meet some others and then a mad scientist turns out to be the culprit. Don't get me wrong it's not BAD, it's just not as imaginative as some of the other entries.
Pacing - 15/25
The pacing was pretty good, it wasn't solid but you were fairly consistent. You didn't rush too many things. Saying that though your description balance was a bit off. Sometimes you'd say it hit him and other times you'd do a sentence or two describing a single punch (ok maybe not that much you get the idea), the style of description was a tad inconsistent which affected the pace.
Characters - 21/25
Your strong point for sure, I like the amount of characters, enough to interact but so many as to lose count or track. The characters were portrayed well, Ron and Mark stood out the most. My only niggle is you could've dropped a few more pointers that Mark was evil, it was more shocking than it should've been. It's always nice for the reader to look back and say "Of course! It was Mark all along!".
Total - 67/100
Style - 20/25
The style was actually pretty good, there was nothing that really stood out, but I felt inclined to read on at all times, no toilet break excuses on this one... The scene where the main character hid from the general/monster was fairly tense.
Theme - 16/25
The theme was a big let down here, for the first half to maybe even three quarters of the story it seemed you'd totally forgotten that you were writing a survival horror, what you wrote was great, very interesting but it was only towards the last quarter that I started feeling the whole 'survival' part.
Pacing - 14/25
The pacing was very poor, it's probably such that's too blame for the above score. You just took way to long to reveal the 'threat' and 'disease' that made it a survival.
Characters - 20/25
Another good story for characterisation, the main character and second acted exactly how I'd expect them to throughout. The antagonist was great to but we didn't see quite as much of as would've been nice!
Total - 70/100
Style - 15/25
Not at any point did I feel any particular part of the story grasp my attention or 'jumpstart' my heart, take the time to plan the plot a bit more carefully, try changing style slightly to compliment pace and events.
Theme - 14/25
The story fit the theme, to some extent but it seemed like a single boy's horror or mysterious happening. None of the other characters seemed to notice and the world most certainly did not come to an 'end' or any point where I would begin to dub him a 'survivor'.
Pacing - 14/25
The pacing wasn't so great either, I felt and believe you did rush the story to some degree or another. Try and take more time to develop things - my advice - don't use chapters in short stories not one as short as yours at any rate.
Characters - 10/25
This could've been better, I suppose Jess' remorse counts for something but the teachers and his 'friend' seemed very undeveloped - like you'd just thrown them in for the sake of story progression, take time to either show or explain how your characters feel. An expressive character is a believable character.
Total - 53/100
Style - 13/25
The style was a bit of a let down here, the story progressed well, but nothing especially exciting happened - well I tell a lie - I think the speedy assault up the stairs was ok, but it lacked any real heart-pounding or just plain old gripping events.
Theme - 15/25
The story fit the theme, but it didn't do much more, again a lack of originality - try and be a bit more creative think and tell the reader what makes your zombies and your end of the world special, what makes your piece worth marking higher than anyone elses? Don't be afraid to try something new!
Pacing - 17/25
The pacing was good, not great but good. You sped up and slowed down. The tree escape, park confrontation and stair attack are all pretty good examples of this.
Characters - 18/25
Although developed, I still think you could've taken it a step further. I like how you at least told the reader how he's feeling and having it from a diary perspective although hardly new or unique - it definitely gave the reader an insight into your character's motives and feelings. Maybe another Character or two could've spiced this one up, or a more dramatic entry of sorts, a last, desperate scribble perhaps? The long, explained break you have between two such entries is along the right lines.
Total - 63/100
Style - 20/25
The style was good, though not as strong as the other points - the build up to 'attacks' and the periodic event induced by the character's emotional strain were pretty darn intense, good job!
Theme - 21/25
The story fit the theme smartly, you touched on the theme of survival, described the world in great detail, advanced on the 'threat' (which was a really nice idea, the dead wanting you back - as opposed to the living missing them ^^).
Pacing - 20/25
The pacing was good, very good. Although again I did find myself raising an eyebrow or two when past reference clashed with the present. Particularly your referral to Austin's death.
Characters - 23/25
Yet again another one of my favourites for characterisation - I loved the feeling of hate, regret, jealously and even that little bit of love. The characters acted like survivors, they were desperate perhaps even insane (thinking of a particular female ...). Very diverse and very well executed approach. My only gripe was the relationship between Cheyenne and John it could've been reflected on a tiny bit more, as it was a rather abrupt revelation.
Total - 84/100
Side note; That copyright crap wasn't really needed now was it?
Style - 15/25
The style was O.K. - Some of the events were darn ludicrous maybe even humorous, others were boring - but the balance was good.
Theme - 15/25
I must say it's imaginative... I guess it is a survival of sorts and would be horrendously disturbing?
Pacing - 14/25
The pacing was pretty bizarre, I think you tried to cram too much into a small story (rushed movement/lack of detailed description). It fit though, there wasn't too much change of pace, so that's all good. You also mentioned several things in brackets that hindered reading it's not advised to put (like the abomination in warcraft III!) or similar remarks within a finished story. They should be able to come up with an image close to that through description, this isn't a play.
Characters - 15/25
The characterisation was good to some degree, at least for the main three characters however there were a lot of points where I just wanted to scream. I mean would two (13-16?) kids would just sit going 'oh my god' and smiling when a teacher RIPS another child's head off!? I had to re-read it several times to make sure you didn't mean metaphorically. Other characters seemed a bit 'golem-ish' such as Jack and Simon could've done with a bit more personality. Advice? Tone stuff down, be a bit more 'realistic' - I know it's fantasy but ...
Total - 59/100
Style - 22/25
I liked this one, I liked it a lot!
The style was somewhat 'disturbing' - It fitted with the pace perfectly, you described just enough to let our imagination do the rest of the work, and work well it did.
Theme - 20/25
Very different, very peculiar. I'm hesitant to say whether it's a survival. I mean did he survive the ghosts or the avalanche and did he even imagine the latter because the former had drove him mad?! But it's most certainly a horror and he didn't die either way (so he survived?!).
Pacing - 24/25
The pacing was BRILLIANT - astounding, I'd give you full marks but I kinda have a policy against that. You could've so easily rushed that story but no you took it day by day, slept in several huts saw different things every night, the monsters got worse, the visions more lucid all in perfect timing. Great, can't fault it really (well I could but let's not get picky eh?).
Characters - 20/25
There was only one character but I think I can safely say I connected with him and is state of mind, a tiny bit more hysteria wouldn't have gone amiss though.
Total - 88/100
Style - 14/25
I wasn't a big fan of the style, I don't know if it was intentional but sometimes you didn't use speech marks for character speech which I suppose WOULD be ok - had you then used it in other situations. You could've done with building up a lot more tension. There was neat mystery in there though, I was disappointed we didn't find out more about Rick's and that demon's relationship.
Theme - 16/25
Zombies again!? Well the world was obviously in a right state and I liked the addition of Rick's unstable mind. The demon overlord was a nice twist to.
Pacing - 10/25
The pacing was your biggest let down, everything happened way too fast. One paragraph your on a plane find one zombie and next you know you've crashed and the whole world (or London/England) is infested? You could do with slowing down and dragging each scene out a bit more.
Characters - 14/25
The characterisation wasn't amazing either, the demon oozed typical 'join me or die' bad guy. Rick was pretty funny and had an obvious attitude but the Girl and Bill could've done with a lot more development.
Total - 54/100
Untitled - by Oziris
45/100
Characters - 10/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
It comes as a surprise to me when Rick says ‘…tell this smelly piece of shit that’s sleeping next to me to take a freakin’ bath…’ The first two paragraphs had led me to believe he was a more reserved and respectful guy. Characters need not be likable, but consistency, clear motives and believability are necessary. Something else that troubles me is that Rick is giving information and stating events too directly – ‘Oh god, I’m so bored,’ for example. Another example is: ‘That was it, I freaked out and I stood up.’ Indirectly showing, instead, would have given me more of an opportunity to make judgments and inferences on my own, which is usually more engaging and stimulating.
Pacing - 10/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
The story comes to sharp stops and sudden jolts in the wrong places. By the first thousand words I am expecting zombies to descend upon the character at any moment. There were good opportunities to keep the reader in suspense that I think were wasted here. How pacing should work is that the sentences are long, contemplation is deep, and descriptions are ample leading up to the event (the climax), and the closer the event comes, the shorter the sentences are, the quicker the action, the fewer wordy descriptions and the quicker the pulse. Then the heart-wrenching moment occurs. Then the tension eases. I would have liked to see more of such teeter-totter, roller-coaster pacing at work here.
Style - 10/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I like the switching of scenes, because it kept me guessing, but I dislike sentences like this: ‘I turned around and saw a monstrous thing attacking the old man.’ In short stories, almost every word counts. That sentence should really have more drama and flavor. Changing word choice and adding adjectives could help. Try: ‘I whirled around, riveted by the sight. A monstrous beast was thrashing against the old man’s pale body.’ That makes it a little more intimate and exciting, because it helps to conjure up a feeling of raw nerves and the sudden violence unfolding. That is something to look for in action and horror stories.
Theme - 15/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
‘I observed the village carefully: a bar on the left side, a lot of houses on the right, wait, is that a gun shop?!’ I lose a lot of interest in the story after reading cliché passages like this, plus it seems too convenient to be believable. Horror needs to be innovative to be good. At least this story fit the theme of first-person survival horror. Also, it was an interesting twist to make the main character into one of the zombie/beast things for a moment, but I feel like there was not a satisfactory explanation about it.
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When Death Reflects Life - by Pharaoh
67/100
Characters - 17/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
‘I am Peter Adams, an active climber, who seeks the beauties of nature.’ I don’t feel like this is a thought someone would think if they were in Peter’s circumstance. It seems like an intrusive info-dump. It would be better if it were made into a questioning plea of self-pity, perhaps: ‘Why does nature curse me for pursuing the mountains’ beauty?’ The word ‘curse’ also foreshadows what happens later. Also, I will point out that characterization is usually best done by showing rather than telling, so that readers get a feel for the character themselves. I would have preferred a mention of a rope around the waist, a bag slung over the shoulder and thoughts as to how to descend the treacherous slope.
Pacing - 16/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I notice that the subject comes before the predicate too often, as in these two sentences: ‘I abruptly started getting dizzy... I then fainted.’ Writing structure needs to be mixed up to avoid monotone. Try something like: “Dizziness came to me abruptly… I fainted amidst suffocating blackness.” Here, in the first sentence, the subject/predicate order has been reversed. This seems like the biggest pacing problem in this story to me – otherwise, it flows smoothly. I like how it rises and falls to keep the reader’s attention. But, one more thing to note is that when the character closes his eyes in the village on several occasions, it dispels the suspense, right when it is building, which is not such a good thing.
Style - 17/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
When Peter is battling against exhaustion as the sun sets, he says he feels ‘frisson,’ but I think readers need more details – maybe dark hints – to share his emotion and experiences. I am thinking of a creaking door, footsteps outside, maybe a whisper – anything frightening even if it is only in the character’s mind. There are passages where the suspense is clipped off and the terror of the moment is not properly conveyed to the reader. Additional sensory descriptions can help here. As for the helicopter rescue near the end, move it to the beginning so the message can resonate. I dislike the very end, when he dies of cancer – it is too unexpected and abrupt. It should be changed or needs foreshadowing.
Theme - 17/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
‘Peter Adams left his last breath in his apartment three days ago.’ Remember, it has to be first person. Otherwise, this stuck to the theme; it was very much a survival-horror/ghost story, except there is one thing: I was not convinced that Peter’s life was at risk while he was in the village. The reason is because his tormentors never inflict any physical pain. For a future revision, the writer should consider changing this – maybe Peter is not actually wounded but he thinks he is.
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Dead Life - by neo_child
46/100
Characters - 10/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
I feel that the characters are too idealistic, and aside from the opening of Chapter 1 I had trouble putting myself in their shoes and believing in them. Urban teens – or anyone – are bound to leap from their seats screaming in hysteria when their teacher rips a student’s head off. When your world is turned upside down, you are not going to be calm, cool and collected. What I would like to see is more internal struggle – the narrator should be balancing on the cusp between cowardice and courage, hopelessness and determination. It is that kind of intimacy and struggle that this theme needs, because that succors the reader in.
Pacing - 11/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I think unimportant information chokes the pace too much. The narrator provides comments or mentions the name of weapons which are small interruptions and distractions that take away from the scene at hand. In short stories, it is best to dispense with anything unnecessary, in order to keep the focus on the raw story. Technical details are normally good – because they lend verisimilitude, as Tom Clancy says – but when they crop up in the wrong places – or in too much density – they can cripple an action scene and trip up the flow of narrative. You want trim, mean, focused dictation rife with ample dialogue, the occasional explosion and streaking bullet… but the speed has to fluctuate too.
Style - 10/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I feel some of the excitement is lost when the narrator says things like ‘but it’s risky,’ without supplying the reader with enough sensory perceptions and important thoughts to share in that sentiment. First-person narratives should put the reader behind the eyes – and in the mind – of the narrator. I also dislike some of the wording. For example: ‘Then a loud shouting and banging sounded. The Blacksuits took out their shotguns and started running towards the riot. Then, I and Terry quickly…’ Instead, try something with smoother transitioning: ‘A cacophony of noise rent the air. The Blacksuits responded instantly, rounding on the riot with shotguns at the ready. Our opportunity. Terry and I quickly…’
Theme - 15/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I would have liked to see stronger elements of horror crop up sooner in the story. The prologue begets tension and suspense, but if it were more terrifying it would fill readers with trepidation even as they gross over the tame chapters that follow. Instead, the horror begins here: ‘That was the last of him until my teacher jumped on him and ripped his head off.’ This does not work for me, because it is numbingly blunt and senseless. To make the horror, the villains and the actions that unfold more credible, the narrator should shed some light on the motives of the antagonists. As Kurt Vonnegut once said, readers should be able to ‘finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.’
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Remorse - by WhitePhoenix
61/100
Characters - 16/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
‘We’re just a group of old people…’ I want to know how old – do they have grey hair, aching joints, wrinkled skin? Also, I think some of the dialogue needs to be augmented with sensory descriptions, such as when Marie says: “No! I can’t take this.” Tagging on adjectives could conjure up more of the desired feel. ‘“No! I can’t take this,” Marie’s helpless hiss struck a cold, lonesome chord in the back of my mind.’ Writers need to make their characters sympathetic and complicated - not necessarily likable or round (they can be disgusting and flat) but for readers they have to open up, generate questions, captivate the mind, hold the attention. And readers should have a sense of their motives.
Pacing - 15/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
First of all, I enjoy the smooth, varied pacing. It speeds up and then slows down at the right times, slapping me to and fro with quick dialogue or drawn-out thought. But, there are a few things I think need work. I found the flow interrupted by sentences like this: ‘Cheyenne’s hands were covering her mouth, her eyes rattling, who knows what kind of position we put ourselves into, with night approaching faster and faster.’ Divide it into two or more sentences, blend it, and use more immediacy for the second half, perhaps like this: ‘Cheyenne’s hands trembled against her lips, her pupils dilated and shaking. Night was nearly upon us and we faced a new hell.’ This quick and cold tone is more suitable.
Style - 16/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I was uncertain how it might end (and given grim possibilities) so I read on to find out. Parts were too flooded with high-events that made it shallow, but I admit there were many pauses for depth. Something I noticed early on is that, in the first paragraph, the narrator switches from retrospection to observation with: ‘I could hear footsteps behind me…’ I think this needs better transitioning. Try: ‘I was nudged from my reverie by the sound of footsteps behind me…’ Also, I want more details about the setting (as Ernest Hemming puts it: Write what the weather was like). These details could emerge in the lulls between the action and drama to make for a more contemplative, cerebral read.
Theme - 14/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I was reminded of The Road by McCarthy. But I am not so keen on how melancholic and glum this story is, because I think it takes something away from the horror. It dims life, rather than escalates it into raw nerves and tension. Even the narrator expresses the sentiment that there is no hope and that there is barely a reason to go on. I think there has to be a purpose. There has to be a motivation. As Kurt Vonnegut said, every character should want something, even if it is just a glass of water. To be horror, there has to also be hope and a will to live that can be frayed and tattered.
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The Survivor - by darkdeathknight
49/100
Characters - 11/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
‘The recent sights of people have affected me,’ I want to know how they have affected him. I want more detail! I want to share his feelings and thoughts. In my opinion, readers should know what it is like to be in the guy’s skin. The more we know, the more we will be immersed in the story and eager to continue reading. I want less surface skimming – fewer minor details and statements that don’t give much information – and more depth. Also, when he fights with the zombies (after complaining of starvation and chest pain) readers will only believe in him and feel the adrenaline pumping through their veins if there are signs of his desperation and struggle – signs that the zombies actually pose a threat.
Pacing - 10/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I think the pace is too monotonous. There should be sudden jolts, strong emotions and surprises. What would help is cleaning up run-on sentences, having diction conjure intensity or relief at the right moments, and add sensory inputs in places. The speed should match the action and mood – hectic during clashes, perhaps reverent at other times. This sentence: ‘I saw the window of the room next to me and I jumped in,’ is easily glanced over without leaving an impact. I think it should be sharper and more intense, such as: ‘I caught the glare of a window pane and veered towards it, jumping through.’ A rhythmic pattern of highs and lows – think of a cardiograph – keeps the reader’s mind active.
Style - 12/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
There is less tension because I know a diary can only be written if the writer lives to tell the tale, yet I do still want to keep reading to see if the narrator has something exciting or profound to say. I find myself wanting more background information. One way to provide would be if the narrator transcribed a radio broadcast. Also, I think there needs to be more drama – the zombies should be more of a hostile, nagging force. I notice that a lot of sentences need more sensory details, which would make them more interesting. For example, ‘I heard more footsteps,’ could be: ‘My thoughts muted as I heard the patter of footsteps.’ This takes nearly the same time to read but is more informative.
Theme - 16/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I dislike knowing the narrator is not always in danger, knowing he takes refuge somewhere to scrawl in his diary. I should be sensing more urgency and vulnerability. The reader and character should be supple and ripe for torment. I want more sensory details, more background information, and in general I am finding the post-apocalyptic tale to be growing old. It needs to be told in a fresh, energetic, cold-ass way. Something to slap, shock, jerk and bite the reader, in new places, leaving new scars. The Road, by McCarthy, has deep emotion and beautiful writing going for it. One other minor thing I will mention: the narrative slips into third person a couple of times, but at least it’s quite subtle.
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Meltor Street - by indomitable1319
46/100
Characters - 11/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
At first the narrator is someone I can connect with – just a typical kid – but my belief fades. What is wrong is I am not getting enough sensory info. For example, it needs to be clear the narrator panics after the accident. In the beginning, I should know more about what his typical day is like, then be shown signs that something is amiss, in order to more fully appreciate his unease. I prefer to figure out things for myself based on the evidence the writer can provide – it can be more interesting and freaky that way. Also, I would prefer more elaboration and richness for the descriptions. Here: ‘[the demon had] an extremely buff physique’ try: ‘taught loaves of muscle bound its arms and chest.’ Note the flavor?
Pacing - 13/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
My feeling is that some sentences are clipped too tight or let run-on when they should be sharper. In lieu of the car accident, the pacing should be slower, details heavier and the reader’s mind more primed for the slap – then, during the moment, the pace should be sharp and rapid-fire – it should shock and stun, hard. All of this could be achieved via varying sentence length, applying sensory details, swapping words to conjure more immediacy and intensity at certain times and calmness or relief at others. I think the pace should be a rhythmic, varied drift/grip/release, which then repeats but with the intensity and suspense mounting, finally culminating in a gut-rending climax at the end.
Style - 10/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I think the fear and terror could be heightened by reworking some sentences. Some of them just need to be split in two and then transitioned better. The tone – the sound – of sentences should help convey emotions. Diction should be used to create keener feel. Here: ‘…I saw a silhouette of what seemed to be a large otherworldly demonic creature.’ This should be less of a mouthful and more terrifying, as in: ‘My heart froze and blocked my throat, every pulse gushing through my ears, a sheet of ice sliding down my spine. I stared dumbstruck at a horned, hulking silhouette – too big to be a dog.’ In that example, the reader is ‘shown’ the details, rather than told and expected to believe heedlessly.
Theme - 12/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I notice that the car accident is used as a dark premonition, but I think the accident should be more chaotic and spark more fear in the narrator, and he should be deeply shaken by it. Also, the bloody nightmare scene should receive similar treatment. Afterwards, there needs to be a more noticeable climax – a distinct turning point, where the suspense catches, unfolds, boils over and then eases down. I want to get more of that. Also, since the weight of danger falls on his friend’s shoulders, I think readers should know more about this friend, or get more of a feeling of the narrator’s concern, so they can share in the sense of loss and torment.
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Apocalypse - by Avator
56/100
Characters - 13/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
My sense is that the characterization should be deeper, meaning more information about what is going on in characters’ heads – particularly the narrator. I want to be shown the internal conflicts, the consternation, the pride, the pain – not just told directly and blandly. I was surprised to learn the villain is her brother – it would be better to have that knowledge when she meets him. She should be more emotional about the reunion. Also, it is hard to believe in characters that are all powerful, like this villain. All characters need to be like real people: strengths, weaknesses, good, bad, faced with obstacles, prone to irrationality and emotional decision making, and they need to be sympathetic...
Pacing - 14/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I like how the narrative is interspersed with dialogue, because this fends off a monotonous pace. However, I notice some sentences do stumble too often. Some are disorganized or unnecessary. The flow needs to be smoother throughout – a precise, distinct rise and fall, smoothed by transitions, controlled by diction, sentence length and the omission of details. Sometimes it is not what is said, but what isn’t – so long as the writer completely understands everything – that leaves readers feeling the most, according to Hemmingway. For good pacing here, there should be senses, intents and purposes and their concurrent setbacks, conveyed through rich imagery, devoid of unnecessary words.
Style - 15/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I prefer a gripping opening, so I think this background information should instead be supplied through detailed sensory observations and dialogue; gradually. That would feel more natural and I would find myself more enraptured in the story as I try to piece together what is going on. Also, instead of writing: ‘I looked at him and saw a glimpse on his face that would indicate he might have found a clue or something,’ I would prefer something along the lines of: ‘I met his gaze. His eyes were wide, his eyebrows raised, and his lips were parted a hair’s breadth.’ This shows readers all they need to make the inference themselves. Stories need ample ‘showing’ like that, as opposed to direct telling.
Theme - 14/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I like how the suspense builds up through the beginning. But the cliché scientist-turned-idealistic-the-ends-justify-the-means-super-villain who effortlessly instills monsters into the ranks of some of the largest armed forces in existence and then suddenly takes over the world is a bit over the top. It is too unrealistic and too epic to be believable. A story needs a good plot – emotional struggles, mortal conflict, believable characters – to be interesting and hold the attention, otherwise it seems like anything goes and any little action loses its relevance. Readers should be grounded by the struggle. They should practically feel their own muscles aching from the strain of protagonist verses antagonist.
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The Island - by GunSlinger21
51/100
Characters - 12/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
The biggest issue I see is too much direct telling, as in: ‘My name is Vincent E. Issac. I’m 24 years old and work as an accountant…’ My view is that characterization is best done subtly and indirectly, through characters’ actions, dialogue or observations; in such cases I am more likely to be hooked with every word, trying to find meaning and make connections – especially when there are rich sensory descriptions. First-person narrative should be a window into someone’s life instead of a dictation. Something else I have trouble with is Mark – in the end he’s too cliché and seems to be a plot tool. Earlier on it should be clear he is older, calculating, reserved, growing more tense as the story unfolds…
Pacing - 12/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I think what could improve it is varying sentence structure. I see the word ‘I’ pop up at the beginning of most sentences. Instead of making the narrator the subject, as in: ‘I ran and climbed over the fence. I walked slowly through the forest until I reached the park…” I feel it would be better to have the attention shifted to what fills his senses. Readers are inside him, so the world should unfold as such. Perhaps: ‘The grass was still damp with morning dew. I reached the forest and slowed, fearful of cracking a twig. A startled bird froze my heart. I reached the park after what seemed an hour, and broke into a run across the flat expanse.’ Sentences should be rhythmic and the speed should vary based on action.
Style - 11/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I notice too much repetition of simple words like seem, looked, suddenly and slowly. These can be replaced by synonyms or paired words to have the same meaning but make a paragraph more diverse and interesting. I also find the tone too casual – survival horror needs more strength and purpose. Tone can be controlled by changing word-choice (instead of ‘pointing a finger at’ perhaps ‘jabbing towards’). The three I’s (intensity, immediacy and intimacy) are elements that should readily appear from sentence to sentence in this particular genre. Instead of drab phrasing and regular imagery, spice it up with an elegant lilt, unique sights, and poetic muse. Describe what can be seen and heard.
Theme - 16/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I find two issues reduce how effectively the theme comes across. One is that there is not enough depth and reason behind the story. I don’t know the narrator’s feelings or knowledge about what has happened and only learn some of this at the end. With more insight, at least into the narrator’s mind, I could better appreciate the survival/horror elements. The other issue is that zombies are overused – I would prefer more innovation. In life, death, loss or pain might be close at hand – this is what survival horror has to make painfully obvious – filling readers with flesh-shredding dread and terror, and causing the sweat to pour down their spines as they inwardly writhe in the shoes of the protagonists.
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The Spinning Coin - by Dragonson
53/100
Characters - 10/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
Initially I thought the narrator to be a burly male dwarf, but then I realize there is no indication of his physical appearance – he may even be female. If he is a dwarf I would be surprised, considering his actions and thoughts. I do not have enough information – not only physical but perceptual as well. He rattles off his own actions (‘I get up and take a look at where I’ve been lying’) more than he shares what he sees, feels and concludes. In first-person narratives readers should be shown the world as if the narrator’s skin is their own. Instead of ‘I scan the nearby scenery,’ I would prefer to read two sentences that put a clear picture of the scenery in my mind, so I can be as informed as the narrator is.
Pacing - 14/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
‘Suddenly I’m scared. Really scared.” I would prefer to know what that feels like, so I can better comprehend his later actions. A wave of ice down the spine, a knotted stomach, a trembling lip, a minded numbed into silence? These details can generate intensity and depth for readers, which livens the pace. Also, I feel some words sound too clumsy and stagnate the flow of the story at the wrong moments. One way to make it smoother is to use different words to replace bland or frequently used ones. Following one sentence by another one that sounds similar and adds no meaning is a way to make a moment sink in, but I think the trick is overused here, and not used at the best of times.
Style - 12/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
The tone and lilt does not work for me. In the first paragraph, it’s too wordy and vague, and I notice common and open-ended terms like ‘force,’ ‘world’ and ‘something’ that would be best replaced with synonyms that have more specific meaning. I find too many unneeded words, a few repetitions and a couple phrases that could be rewritten to convey more emotion or imagery. In the beginning of the second paragraph, I think the tone can still conjure the repetitive drudgery of pain while being more vivid, as in: ‘Chaffed fingers tremble. A fiery sheath of pain jerks my arm. When my heart convulses, searing blood surges from toes to thighs. My back hurts, my skull throbs.” More intimacy helps.
Theme - 17/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I get the feeling the narrator knows more about what is going on than he reveals. Readers need good reason to be terrified. It’s the writer’s job to persuade them that there is looming danger, danger that places survival in jeopardy and may make the last moments excruciatingly unpleasant. In order to care – in order to be connected and glean fear and excitement from horror – readers need to be placed inside the story, faced with things that are deeply terrifying, and not only that but the character’s need to be sympathetic, so that if they get injured or if they struggle, the readers feel for them, maybe even cringe while they scream inside. There has to be innovative concepts and rich details.
45/100
Characters - 10/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
It comes as a surprise to me when Rick says ‘…tell this smelly piece of shit that’s sleeping next to me to take a freakin’ bath…’ The first two paragraphs had led me to believe he was a more reserved and respectful guy. Characters need not be likable, but consistency, clear motives and believability are necessary. Something else that troubles me is that Rick is giving information and stating events too directly – ‘Oh god, I’m so bored,’ for example. Another example is: ‘That was it, I freaked out and I stood up.’ Indirectly showing, instead, would have given me more of an opportunity to make judgments and inferences on my own, which is usually more engaging and stimulating.
Pacing - 10/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
The story comes to sharp stops and sudden jolts in the wrong places. By the first thousand words I am expecting zombies to descend upon the character at any moment. There were good opportunities to keep the reader in suspense that I think were wasted here. How pacing should work is that the sentences are long, contemplation is deep, and descriptions are ample leading up to the event (the climax), and the closer the event comes, the shorter the sentences are, the quicker the action, the fewer wordy descriptions and the quicker the pulse. Then the heart-wrenching moment occurs. Then the tension eases. I would have liked to see more of such teeter-totter, roller-coaster pacing at work here.
Style - 10/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I like the switching of scenes, because it kept me guessing, but I dislike sentences like this: ‘I turned around and saw a monstrous thing attacking the old man.’ In short stories, almost every word counts. That sentence should really have more drama and flavor. Changing word choice and adding adjectives could help. Try: ‘I whirled around, riveted by the sight. A monstrous beast was thrashing against the old man’s pale body.’ That makes it a little more intimate and exciting, because it helps to conjure up a feeling of raw nerves and the sudden violence unfolding. That is something to look for in action and horror stories.
Theme - 15/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
‘I observed the village carefully: a bar on the left side, a lot of houses on the right, wait, is that a gun shop?!’ I lose a lot of interest in the story after reading cliché passages like this, plus it seems too convenient to be believable. Horror needs to be innovative to be good. At least this story fit the theme of first-person survival horror. Also, it was an interesting twist to make the main character into one of the zombie/beast things for a moment, but I feel like there was not a satisfactory explanation about it.
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When Death Reflects Life - by Pharaoh
67/100
Characters - 17/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
‘I am Peter Adams, an active climber, who seeks the beauties of nature.’ I don’t feel like this is a thought someone would think if they were in Peter’s circumstance. It seems like an intrusive info-dump. It would be better if it were made into a questioning plea of self-pity, perhaps: ‘Why does nature curse me for pursuing the mountains’ beauty?’ The word ‘curse’ also foreshadows what happens later. Also, I will point out that characterization is usually best done by showing rather than telling, so that readers get a feel for the character themselves. I would have preferred a mention of a rope around the waist, a bag slung over the shoulder and thoughts as to how to descend the treacherous slope.
Pacing - 16/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I notice that the subject comes before the predicate too often, as in these two sentences: ‘I abruptly started getting dizzy... I then fainted.’ Writing structure needs to be mixed up to avoid monotone. Try something like: “Dizziness came to me abruptly… I fainted amidst suffocating blackness.” Here, in the first sentence, the subject/predicate order has been reversed. This seems like the biggest pacing problem in this story to me – otherwise, it flows smoothly. I like how it rises and falls to keep the reader’s attention. But, one more thing to note is that when the character closes his eyes in the village on several occasions, it dispels the suspense, right when it is building, which is not such a good thing.
Style - 17/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
When Peter is battling against exhaustion as the sun sets, he says he feels ‘frisson,’ but I think readers need more details – maybe dark hints – to share his emotion and experiences. I am thinking of a creaking door, footsteps outside, maybe a whisper – anything frightening even if it is only in the character’s mind. There are passages where the suspense is clipped off and the terror of the moment is not properly conveyed to the reader. Additional sensory descriptions can help here. As for the helicopter rescue near the end, move it to the beginning so the message can resonate. I dislike the very end, when he dies of cancer – it is too unexpected and abrupt. It should be changed or needs foreshadowing.
Theme - 17/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
‘Peter Adams left his last breath in his apartment three days ago.’ Remember, it has to be first person. Otherwise, this stuck to the theme; it was very much a survival-horror/ghost story, except there is one thing: I was not convinced that Peter’s life was at risk while he was in the village. The reason is because his tormentors never inflict any physical pain. For a future revision, the writer should consider changing this – maybe Peter is not actually wounded but he thinks he is.
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Dead Life - by neo_child
46/100
Characters - 10/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
I feel that the characters are too idealistic, and aside from the opening of Chapter 1 I had trouble putting myself in their shoes and believing in them. Urban teens – or anyone – are bound to leap from their seats screaming in hysteria when their teacher rips a student’s head off. When your world is turned upside down, you are not going to be calm, cool and collected. What I would like to see is more internal struggle – the narrator should be balancing on the cusp between cowardice and courage, hopelessness and determination. It is that kind of intimacy and struggle that this theme needs, because that succors the reader in.
Pacing - 11/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I think unimportant information chokes the pace too much. The narrator provides comments or mentions the name of weapons which are small interruptions and distractions that take away from the scene at hand. In short stories, it is best to dispense with anything unnecessary, in order to keep the focus on the raw story. Technical details are normally good – because they lend verisimilitude, as Tom Clancy says – but when they crop up in the wrong places – or in too much density – they can cripple an action scene and trip up the flow of narrative. You want trim, mean, focused dictation rife with ample dialogue, the occasional explosion and streaking bullet… but the speed has to fluctuate too.
Style - 10/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I feel some of the excitement is lost when the narrator says things like ‘but it’s risky,’ without supplying the reader with enough sensory perceptions and important thoughts to share in that sentiment. First-person narratives should put the reader behind the eyes – and in the mind – of the narrator. I also dislike some of the wording. For example: ‘Then a loud shouting and banging sounded. The Blacksuits took out their shotguns and started running towards the riot. Then, I and Terry quickly…’ Instead, try something with smoother transitioning: ‘A cacophony of noise rent the air. The Blacksuits responded instantly, rounding on the riot with shotguns at the ready. Our opportunity. Terry and I quickly…’
Theme - 15/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I would have liked to see stronger elements of horror crop up sooner in the story. The prologue begets tension and suspense, but if it were more terrifying it would fill readers with trepidation even as they gross over the tame chapters that follow. Instead, the horror begins here: ‘That was the last of him until my teacher jumped on him and ripped his head off.’ This does not work for me, because it is numbingly blunt and senseless. To make the horror, the villains and the actions that unfold more credible, the narrator should shed some light on the motives of the antagonists. As Kurt Vonnegut once said, readers should be able to ‘finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.’
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Remorse - by WhitePhoenix
61/100
Characters - 16/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
‘We’re just a group of old people…’ I want to know how old – do they have grey hair, aching joints, wrinkled skin? Also, I think some of the dialogue needs to be augmented with sensory descriptions, such as when Marie says: “No! I can’t take this.” Tagging on adjectives could conjure up more of the desired feel. ‘“No! I can’t take this,” Marie’s helpless hiss struck a cold, lonesome chord in the back of my mind.’ Writers need to make their characters sympathetic and complicated - not necessarily likable or round (they can be disgusting and flat) but for readers they have to open up, generate questions, captivate the mind, hold the attention. And readers should have a sense of their motives.
Pacing - 15/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
First of all, I enjoy the smooth, varied pacing. It speeds up and then slows down at the right times, slapping me to and fro with quick dialogue or drawn-out thought. But, there are a few things I think need work. I found the flow interrupted by sentences like this: ‘Cheyenne’s hands were covering her mouth, her eyes rattling, who knows what kind of position we put ourselves into, with night approaching faster and faster.’ Divide it into two or more sentences, blend it, and use more immediacy for the second half, perhaps like this: ‘Cheyenne’s hands trembled against her lips, her pupils dilated and shaking. Night was nearly upon us and we faced a new hell.’ This quick and cold tone is more suitable.
Style - 16/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I was uncertain how it might end (and given grim possibilities) so I read on to find out. Parts were too flooded with high-events that made it shallow, but I admit there were many pauses for depth. Something I noticed early on is that, in the first paragraph, the narrator switches from retrospection to observation with: ‘I could hear footsteps behind me…’ I think this needs better transitioning. Try: ‘I was nudged from my reverie by the sound of footsteps behind me…’ Also, I want more details about the setting (as Ernest Hemming puts it: Write what the weather was like). These details could emerge in the lulls between the action and drama to make for a more contemplative, cerebral read.
Theme - 14/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I was reminded of The Road by McCarthy. But I am not so keen on how melancholic and glum this story is, because I think it takes something away from the horror. It dims life, rather than escalates it into raw nerves and tension. Even the narrator expresses the sentiment that there is no hope and that there is barely a reason to go on. I think there has to be a purpose. There has to be a motivation. As Kurt Vonnegut said, every character should want something, even if it is just a glass of water. To be horror, there has to also be hope and a will to live that can be frayed and tattered.
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The Survivor - by darkdeathknight
49/100
Characters - 11/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
‘The recent sights of people have affected me,’ I want to know how they have affected him. I want more detail! I want to share his feelings and thoughts. In my opinion, readers should know what it is like to be in the guy’s skin. The more we know, the more we will be immersed in the story and eager to continue reading. I want less surface skimming – fewer minor details and statements that don’t give much information – and more depth. Also, when he fights with the zombies (after complaining of starvation and chest pain) readers will only believe in him and feel the adrenaline pumping through their veins if there are signs of his desperation and struggle – signs that the zombies actually pose a threat.
Pacing - 10/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I think the pace is too monotonous. There should be sudden jolts, strong emotions and surprises. What would help is cleaning up run-on sentences, having diction conjure intensity or relief at the right moments, and add sensory inputs in places. The speed should match the action and mood – hectic during clashes, perhaps reverent at other times. This sentence: ‘I saw the window of the room next to me and I jumped in,’ is easily glanced over without leaving an impact. I think it should be sharper and more intense, such as: ‘I caught the glare of a window pane and veered towards it, jumping through.’ A rhythmic pattern of highs and lows – think of a cardiograph – keeps the reader’s mind active.
Style - 12/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
There is less tension because I know a diary can only be written if the writer lives to tell the tale, yet I do still want to keep reading to see if the narrator has something exciting or profound to say. I find myself wanting more background information. One way to provide would be if the narrator transcribed a radio broadcast. Also, I think there needs to be more drama – the zombies should be more of a hostile, nagging force. I notice that a lot of sentences need more sensory details, which would make them more interesting. For example, ‘I heard more footsteps,’ could be: ‘My thoughts muted as I heard the patter of footsteps.’ This takes nearly the same time to read but is more informative.
Theme - 16/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I dislike knowing the narrator is not always in danger, knowing he takes refuge somewhere to scrawl in his diary. I should be sensing more urgency and vulnerability. The reader and character should be supple and ripe for torment. I want more sensory details, more background information, and in general I am finding the post-apocalyptic tale to be growing old. It needs to be told in a fresh, energetic, cold-ass way. Something to slap, shock, jerk and bite the reader, in new places, leaving new scars. The Road, by McCarthy, has deep emotion and beautiful writing going for it. One other minor thing I will mention: the narrative slips into third person a couple of times, but at least it’s quite subtle.
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Meltor Street - by indomitable1319
46/100
Characters - 11/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
At first the narrator is someone I can connect with – just a typical kid – but my belief fades. What is wrong is I am not getting enough sensory info. For example, it needs to be clear the narrator panics after the accident. In the beginning, I should know more about what his typical day is like, then be shown signs that something is amiss, in order to more fully appreciate his unease. I prefer to figure out things for myself based on the evidence the writer can provide – it can be more interesting and freaky that way. Also, I would prefer more elaboration and richness for the descriptions. Here: ‘[the demon had] an extremely buff physique’ try: ‘taught loaves of muscle bound its arms and chest.’ Note the flavor?
Pacing - 13/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
My feeling is that some sentences are clipped too tight or let run-on when they should be sharper. In lieu of the car accident, the pacing should be slower, details heavier and the reader’s mind more primed for the slap – then, during the moment, the pace should be sharp and rapid-fire – it should shock and stun, hard. All of this could be achieved via varying sentence length, applying sensory details, swapping words to conjure more immediacy and intensity at certain times and calmness or relief at others. I think the pace should be a rhythmic, varied drift/grip/release, which then repeats but with the intensity and suspense mounting, finally culminating in a gut-rending climax at the end.
Style - 10/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I think the fear and terror could be heightened by reworking some sentences. Some of them just need to be split in two and then transitioned better. The tone – the sound – of sentences should help convey emotions. Diction should be used to create keener feel. Here: ‘…I saw a silhouette of what seemed to be a large otherworldly demonic creature.’ This should be less of a mouthful and more terrifying, as in: ‘My heart froze and blocked my throat, every pulse gushing through my ears, a sheet of ice sliding down my spine. I stared dumbstruck at a horned, hulking silhouette – too big to be a dog.’ In that example, the reader is ‘shown’ the details, rather than told and expected to believe heedlessly.
Theme - 12/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I notice that the car accident is used as a dark premonition, but I think the accident should be more chaotic and spark more fear in the narrator, and he should be deeply shaken by it. Also, the bloody nightmare scene should receive similar treatment. Afterwards, there needs to be a more noticeable climax – a distinct turning point, where the suspense catches, unfolds, boils over and then eases down. I want to get more of that. Also, since the weight of danger falls on his friend’s shoulders, I think readers should know more about this friend, or get more of a feeling of the narrator’s concern, so they can share in the sense of loss and torment.
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Apocalypse - by Avator
56/100
Characters - 13/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
My sense is that the characterization should be deeper, meaning more information about what is going on in characters’ heads – particularly the narrator. I want to be shown the internal conflicts, the consternation, the pride, the pain – not just told directly and blandly. I was surprised to learn the villain is her brother – it would be better to have that knowledge when she meets him. She should be more emotional about the reunion. Also, it is hard to believe in characters that are all powerful, like this villain. All characters need to be like real people: strengths, weaknesses, good, bad, faced with obstacles, prone to irrationality and emotional decision making, and they need to be sympathetic...
Pacing - 14/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I like how the narrative is interspersed with dialogue, because this fends off a monotonous pace. However, I notice some sentences do stumble too often. Some are disorganized or unnecessary. The flow needs to be smoother throughout – a precise, distinct rise and fall, smoothed by transitions, controlled by diction, sentence length and the omission of details. Sometimes it is not what is said, but what isn’t – so long as the writer completely understands everything – that leaves readers feeling the most, according to Hemmingway. For good pacing here, there should be senses, intents and purposes and their concurrent setbacks, conveyed through rich imagery, devoid of unnecessary words.
Style - 15/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I prefer a gripping opening, so I think this background information should instead be supplied through detailed sensory observations and dialogue; gradually. That would feel more natural and I would find myself more enraptured in the story as I try to piece together what is going on. Also, instead of writing: ‘I looked at him and saw a glimpse on his face that would indicate he might have found a clue or something,’ I would prefer something along the lines of: ‘I met his gaze. His eyes were wide, his eyebrows raised, and his lips were parted a hair’s breadth.’ This shows readers all they need to make the inference themselves. Stories need ample ‘showing’ like that, as opposed to direct telling.
Theme - 14/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I like how the suspense builds up through the beginning. But the cliché scientist-turned-idealistic-the-ends-justify-the-means-super-villain who effortlessly instills monsters into the ranks of some of the largest armed forces in existence and then suddenly takes over the world is a bit over the top. It is too unrealistic and too epic to be believable. A story needs a good plot – emotional struggles, mortal conflict, believable characters – to be interesting and hold the attention, otherwise it seems like anything goes and any little action loses its relevance. Readers should be grounded by the struggle. They should practically feel their own muscles aching from the strain of protagonist verses antagonist.
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The Island - by GunSlinger21
51/100
Characters - 12/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
The biggest issue I see is too much direct telling, as in: ‘My name is Vincent E. Issac. I’m 24 years old and work as an accountant…’ My view is that characterization is best done subtly and indirectly, through characters’ actions, dialogue or observations; in such cases I am more likely to be hooked with every word, trying to find meaning and make connections – especially when there are rich sensory descriptions. First-person narrative should be a window into someone’s life instead of a dictation. Something else I have trouble with is Mark – in the end he’s too cliché and seems to be a plot tool. Earlier on it should be clear he is older, calculating, reserved, growing more tense as the story unfolds…
Pacing - 12/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
I think what could improve it is varying sentence structure. I see the word ‘I’ pop up at the beginning of most sentences. Instead of making the narrator the subject, as in: ‘I ran and climbed over the fence. I walked slowly through the forest until I reached the park…” I feel it would be better to have the attention shifted to what fills his senses. Readers are inside him, so the world should unfold as such. Perhaps: ‘The grass was still damp with morning dew. I reached the forest and slowed, fearful of cracking a twig. A startled bird froze my heart. I reached the park after what seemed an hour, and broke into a run across the flat expanse.’ Sentences should be rhythmic and the speed should vary based on action.
Style - 11/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
I notice too much repetition of simple words like seem, looked, suddenly and slowly. These can be replaced by synonyms or paired words to have the same meaning but make a paragraph more diverse and interesting. I also find the tone too casual – survival horror needs more strength and purpose. Tone can be controlled by changing word-choice (instead of ‘pointing a finger at’ perhaps ‘jabbing towards’). The three I’s (intensity, immediacy and intimacy) are elements that should readily appear from sentence to sentence in this particular genre. Instead of drab phrasing and regular imagery, spice it up with an elegant lilt, unique sights, and poetic muse. Describe what can be seen and heard.
Theme - 16/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I find two issues reduce how effectively the theme comes across. One is that there is not enough depth and reason behind the story. I don’t know the narrator’s feelings or knowledge about what has happened and only learn some of this at the end. With more insight, at least into the narrator’s mind, I could better appreciate the survival/horror elements. The other issue is that zombies are overused – I would prefer more innovation. In life, death, loss or pain might be close at hand – this is what survival horror has to make painfully obvious – filling readers with flesh-shredding dread and terror, and causing the sweat to pour down their spines as they inwardly writhe in the shoes of the protagonists.
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The Spinning Coin - by Dragonson
53/100
Characters - 10/25
How well were the characters presented? Were their motives and actions clear and logical according to their psyche?
Initially I thought the narrator to be a burly male dwarf, but then I realize there is no indication of his physical appearance – he may even be female. If he is a dwarf I would be surprised, considering his actions and thoughts. I do not have enough information – not only physical but perceptual as well. He rattles off his own actions (‘I get up and take a look at where I’ve been lying’) more than he shares what he sees, feels and concludes. In first-person narratives readers should be shown the world as if the narrator’s skin is their own. Instead of ‘I scan the nearby scenery,’ I would prefer to read two sentences that put a clear picture of the scenery in my mind, so I can be as informed as the narrator is.
Pacing - 14/25
Did the story flow along smoothly without any part feeling rushed or empty?
‘Suddenly I’m scared. Really scared.” I would prefer to know what that feels like, so I can better comprehend his later actions. A wave of ice down the spine, a knotted stomach, a trembling lip, a minded numbed into silence? These details can generate intensity and depth for readers, which livens the pace. Also, I feel some words sound too clumsy and stagnate the flow of the story at the wrong moments. One way to make it smoother is to use different words to replace bland or frequently used ones. Following one sentence by another one that sounds similar and adds no meaning is a way to make a moment sink in, but I think the trick is overused here, and not used at the best of times.
Style - 12/25
Were any of the events exciting or heart-pounding? How well was the story presented?
The tone and lilt does not work for me. In the first paragraph, it’s too wordy and vague, and I notice common and open-ended terms like ‘force,’ ‘world’ and ‘something’ that would be best replaced with synonyms that have more specific meaning. I find too many unneeded words, a few repetitions and a couple phrases that could be rewritten to convey more emotion or imagery. In the beginning of the second paragraph, I think the tone can still conjure the repetitive drudgery of pain while being more vivid, as in: ‘Chaffed fingers tremble. A fiery sheath of pain jerks my arm. When my heart convulses, searing blood surges from toes to thighs. My back hurts, my skull throbs.” More intimacy helps.
Theme - 17/25
Did the story fit the overall theme?
I get the feeling the narrator knows more about what is going on than he reveals. Readers need good reason to be terrified. It’s the writer’s job to persuade them that there is looming danger, danger that places survival in jeopardy and may make the last moments excruciatingly unpleasant. In order to care – in order to be connected and glean fear and excitement from horror – readers need to be placed inside the story, faced with things that are deeply terrifying, and not only that but the character’s need to be sympathetic, so that if they get injured or if they struggle, the readers feel for them, maybe even cringe while they scream inside. There has to be innovative concepts and rich details.
((Grey Nightmare's judging + The World is Flat's judging) * (0.75 / 2)) + ((Votes / Total votes) * 25) = Total
Note there are 33 voters as DDK's vote will not be counted
Dragonson ((66 + 53) * 0.375) + ((15 / 33) * 25) = 55.9886364
GunSlinger21 ((67 + 51) * 0.375) + ((2 / 33) * 25) = 45.7651515
Avator ((70 + 56) * 0.375) + ((3 / 33) * 25) = 49.5227273
indomitable1319 ((53 + 46) * 0.375) + ((1 / 33) * 25) = 37.8825758
darkdeathknight ((49 + 63) * 0.375) + ((1 / 33) * 25) = 42.7575758
WhitePhoenix ((61 + 84) * 0.375) + ((1 / 33) * 25) = 55.1325758
neo child ((46 + 59) * 0.375) + ((1 / 33) * 25) = 40.1325758
Pharaoh_ ((67 + 88) * 0.375) + ((3 / 33) * 25) = 60.3977273
Oziris ((45 + 54) * 0.375) + ((6 / 33) * 25) = 41.6704545
Poll | Contest
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