Funny Jokes!

[Fisher621]

yo momma is so fat that when she goes to sea world they pay her.

 

[Slaydon]

Your momma's so fat she needs to buy 10 tickets to take the Train/bus/plane/Car

 

[Kuhneghetz]

Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.

 

[Slaydon]

Tetris Joke:

Your mamma is so fat it takes 20 slots to fill her

 

[Thrikodius]

Hate you..
I'm swedish...

My step dad is norwegian and he has heard a lot of "stupid norwegians" jokes. The thing is that when he visits his family in norway, he hears the exact same jokes but they are about swedes instead.

For example

The easiest way do sink a norwegian submarine: Swim down and knock on the door. They will then open and see who's outside.

The easiest way to sink a norwegian submarine a second time: Swim down and knock on the door. They will then open the window to say: "Did you really think we'd fall for that one again?"

Now read these and replace the word "norwegian" with "swedish" and you have the stories they tell in Norway.

 

[Slaydon]

Theres alot of Country insulting jokes, sadly, there is from almost every country

 

[DrTirD]

Man went to shop.

Shovel.

Meh, that "joke" is lot better when told in finnish.

Mies meni kauppaan.

Lapio

 

[-Spirit Hunter-]

Here's one not that funny:

One beautiful day a rabbit run trough the forest, suddenly he sees a fox smoking weed.

Rabbit: Fox, stop smoking that shit, it's no good for your health, just look at me, I do sports and eat healthy, so I have a happy and fulfilled life.

The fox throws away the weed and starts running trough the forest with rabbit, very soon they run into Bear, doing a line of cocaine.

Rabbit: Come on Bear, that stuff isn't for ya, just look at me and Fox, do some sport, it's good for you!

So Bear joins in their little marathon. They kept running for some time, until their path was blocked by a Wolf on heroine.

Rabbit: Wolf, leave drugs to humans, we animals should live healthy lives, just look at me, Fox and Bear, join us in sport!

The Wolf joins in and the critters continue running. The Owl on a tree saw everything so It starts thinking...

Owl: Heh, Rabbit, when you get high the whole forest runs after you!!!

 

[Hoernchen]

Ok, here come some non-crappy jokes:

A man walks into a shop that sells brain. He sees three brains for sale on a shelf. The first is labelled "Lawyer" and costs $100 per gram. The second is labelled "Doctor" and costs $150 per gram. The last item however was labelled "American" and costed a whopping $10,000 per gram.
So the man asks the shopkeeper: "Why is the American brain so expensive?"
So the shopkeeper looks at him and answers: "Do you have any idea how many Americans have to die to harvest just one tiny gram of brain?"

Me and my friend were driving to Sydney last week and I tend to fall asleep during long car rides. Suddenly I felt a bumb and woke up. I asked him what happened and he told me: "I drove over an abo". So we kept driving and the same thing happened again. I asked him and he said "Sorry, must have been another abo."
But then I felt three bumbs, woke up and asked him: "Did you just drive over 3 abos? WTF?" And he answered: "Nah, just one. Had to drive over two fences though to get this one."

A man wakes near the ocean one morning after having drunk too much last night. He smells barbeque nearby and since he is hungry he decides to check it out. Turns out that there is a Baptism Party. Since only people who attended the event were allowed to eat, he decided he might as well get baptised then.
So he walks into the water where the old man performing the ceremony dunks his head under water, holds it for 5 seconds and pulls him back up. He then says: "Have you seen the Lord Jesus?!"
So the man answers: "No". The old man then dunks his head under water again, holding it for 10 seconds now. He then asks him again: "Have you seen the Lord Jesus?!!". So the man answers: "Nah man, I haven't".
This time the old man dunks his head into the water for almost 2 whole minutes and after pulling him out asks: "HAVE YOU SEEN THE LORD JESUS!?"
So the man answers: "Nah dude, are you sure this is where the fucker fell in?"

 

[Thrikodius]

A polar bear was sitting on the top of an iceberg and then the snake farted.

 

[sadvisor]

Q: In what part of Somalia is the density of population greatest?
A: It depends on the direction of the wind.


_________
Q: How can you stop an Albanian tank?
A: You shoot the soldier that is pushing it.


_________
Jerry: Mom, i'm tired, how much further till we reach grandma?
Mom: Be quiet and keep digging.


_________
Q: How many Somali fit into a bus?
A: All of them.


_________
Romanian kid: Mom, is America far?
- Yes Jerry, America is far.
....
Romanian kid: Mom, is America far?
- Yes Jerry, America is far.
...
Romanian kid: Mom, is America far?
- Yes Jerry, America is far.
....
- Mom is America still far?
- Yes, now shut up and keep swimming.


_________
Americans, Japanese and Somalia soliders in a cannon shot competition:
• Americans: 19 028.8714 feet
• Japanese: 32 808.399 feet
• Somali: 10 feet

After shooting, the Japanese general says to Somali:
- Only 10 meters?!
Somali responds:
- If you're up, you go in and blow pipe.

 

[Martin Barbov]

The albanian minister of war decides to attack USA. He sents his elite wooden bomber to bombard New York. Then all the albanians dig in their bunkers and wait for the american counter strike. They wait a week, two weeks but nothing happens. Then the minister sends the bomber to bombard Washington. Again no responce. At the 2nd month of intense bombing the american president angry and desperate calls the albanian minister and says:
- You bastards, we'll show you what the american army is capable of, if only we can find you on the map.

 

[Azeroc]

Yo bobba is so fat that even horse hole can't suck her in.

 

[SpankyDmonkey]

Yo bobba is so fat that even horse hole can't suck her in.

I believe this video sums up your creative and ingeniously awesome joke..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7w64fbqYQY&feature=related

" What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this thread is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. "

 

[sadvisor]

SpankyDmonkey LOL

 

[Syth]

What happened to the gay magician?

He disappeared with a poof!

 

[Arowanna]

An irishman leaving a bar.

A bears chases a rabbit through the forest and suddenly a spirit appears.
Spirit: I will grant you 3 wishes each for releasing me form my tormention.

The bear starts.
Bear: I wish all the bears in this forest were females!
POOF! And all bears in the forest were females.

Rabbit: I wish for a helmet.
POOF! And the rabbit had a helmet on his head.

Bear: *smiles* I wish all the bears in Sweden were females!
POOF! And all the bears in Sweden were females.

Rabbit: I wish for a dirt bike.
POOF! And a dirt bike appeared beside the rabbit.

Bear: *laughs* I wish all the bears in the world were females!
POOF! And all bears in the world were females.

The rabbit jumps on his dirt bike, double checks his helmet and yells:
I wish that the bear is gay!

Q:What's mens definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

A woman was cleaning her husbands closet and found 3 golfballs and a box with $2000.
When the husband came home from the golfcourt she asked why she has found these things in his closet.

The husband said that he was sorry that he had hidden the things and explained that everytime
he's been cheating on her during the past 30 years, he had hidden a golfball in the cloest.

Of cause the wife was sad and shocked over the news and after a few mintues of thinking she said:
"3 times in 30 years isn't really that bad. But why where there $2000 in the cloest?"

The man shone up and answered:
"Well, you understand... everytime I got hold of a dozen golfballs I sold them..."

---

Hope I didn't waste your time!

 

[En_Fuego]

What's the difference between a jewler and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches sells(cells).

No, YOUR mom wears army boots.

 

[Thrikodius]

Q:What's mens definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Actually I saw an article in the newspaper yesterday about the results of an australian investigation. It proved that men enjoy food most of all. Sex was on fourth place.

 

[Campir]

Q: Which Bear is best?
















FALSE. Blackbear.

 

[Arowanna]

Actually I saw an article in the newspaper yesterday about the results of an australian investigation. It proved that men enjoy food most of all. Sex was on fourth place.

I have to say that I agree on that, food is great ^^

 

[Koicheen]

Whats second and third, then?

 

[Thrikodius]

I think it was achieving personal goals and a quite moment to relax. I don't remember the order though.

 

[sadvisor]

Q: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
A: Ok
Q: A white horse fell in the mud.
__________________________________________



A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
__________________________________________



A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
__________________________________________



Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?
Nick: What do you think it is, Sir?
Teacher: I don't think, I KNOW!
Nick: I don't think I know either, Sir!
__________________________________________



Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
__________________________________________

And some really funny imgs:

 

[HailFireer]

2 grandmas sitting in a room
Third one comes in and turns on the light.

 

[Slaydon]

why was six so afraid of seven?
because seven eat nine!

The best joke of the year.

I go to bed.

Hidden

And i sleep

 

[johannesr]

1.There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank full of alligators, piranhas and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it!

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, what are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? Give me it. Second, see those bullets over there? Give me them. Third, show me the bastard who pushed me in."

2. A jumbo jet is coming into Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom.
Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

3. Two guys in a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

One sees an old bottle floating. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "For letting me out, I will grant you one wish."

The guy says, (without thinking) "Turn this ocean into beer". And the ocean turns into the best beer anybody has ever tasted.

The second guy says to the first, "You idiot, now we'll have to piss in the boat".

 

[sadvisor]

to lazy to read long jokes.

 

[Thrikodius]

What do you get if you have bad connection on an airplane?

Answer

Jet-lag!

Just made it up.

 

[Malcous]

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost!

 

[-HP-]

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he waves away the syringe and asks for a handgun and a bucket.