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Short Story Contest #5 - Dual Perspective Partners

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Trax. Can you seriously not tell when I am joking? I would hope we've been friends long enough to know that.

@Grey, ya, its very, very much a wip.
We have plenty to change.

@Trax. again: If you don't want to change styles fine, finding a partner doesent mean you have to if you find somone you can agree with/likes you. But it doesent matter, i know what you mean.

I sinerely apologise for my poor sense of humor. Very sincerely.
 
Level 20
Joined
Feb 24, 2009
Messages
2,999
I won't relist them all, especially because you can't quote quotes but...

Wouldn't 'outcast' fit better?

No seeing as that would imply she was "kicked" out, rather than "ran away" by choice :)

Maybe 'his booted feet' ?

That one, yes, I might change that ;)

I'm not a native English speaker, but I hope this helps. (if it's a bit correct, of course, :p)

The attempt is most certainly welcome =)
It's good practice on your side to! :p

Thanks again =)
 
Level 12
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Messages
1,067
"...was a run away"

Perhaps "runaway" instead of "run away" since "runaway" refers to someone who has run away, whereas "run away" refers to the action of doing so?

btw, I didn't read it, just noticed that line in Fuss' post.

A runaway is a minor or a person under an arbitrary age, depending upon the local jurisdiction, who has left the home of his or her parent or legal guardian without permission, or has been thrown out by his or her parent and is considered by the local authorities to lack the capacity to live ...
from google definition.
 
Level 12
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Messages
1,067
Ehm... i might have missed out on something here, but what good does WIP's do in a writing contest? Anyone with acces to THW could just cut a text in half and call it a WIP.

For one it's a good way to get some free help.
It's a good way for the contest leader / judges to see if there's plagiarizing going on in the story.
Um...to prove it's yours?

I can't really think of anything else, but it makes sense to me.
 
Level 17
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Jun 17, 2010
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2,275
Basically a WiP shows for one, you are progressing at a normal rate. If one was plagiarizing and it wasnt caught, then proofreading wouldnt be necessary, the people reading it will be confused as to why it is perfect as a WiP. That will be the first clue, the second clue is well, if your throwing WiP every few hours, with mass paragraphs attached that are also perfect and with no need of proofreading, then again, a huge clue.
 
Level 12
Joined
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Messages
1,067
lol, I could do something like that if I tried.

Mass paragraphs every few hours, that is.

But, yeah, the biggest thing there is the perfection. But I'm such a perfectionist... You just scared me to the point of possibly not trying to enter a writing contest, :eek:
 
Level 17
Joined
Jun 17, 2010
Messages
2,275
I would like to present me and indomitable1319's WiP!!

The sun began to shed its light on the farmers field, making his flowers glow and his pond sparkle. It made the air warmer, and everything glow with a weak light. His eyes slowly opened to the beautiful sunrise, after another sleepless night. He could only remember how it was like when he wasn't burdened with these nightmares. These are the nightmares that haunted him every single night since he was a child, but they never made any sense. He sat there trying to ponder at what his nightmare was about, he shuddered when he remembered. A man who resembled a corpse was strangling a girl who he had never seen in his lifetime. He stood up walking while mesmerized by thoughts as he recalled his dreams. He could remember only three. The strongest one was of a girl beckoning him to follow her. One that rarely came was of what seemed to be the same girl pleading for mercy. But the recent week that dream came up a lot, the girl being killed. He wondered what these dreams meant, has he finally lost it like his fore father did? His mother would tell him stories of a long relative who went insane, it started with nightmares. He was then determined to stop these dreams. He grabbed his hoe and went through the rows and finished his daily task. When he finished he realized how long it had taken him. He would have to go into town the next day.

He awoke with a gasp. He felt his throat as if he couldn't breath. He calmed down and began to breath normally. This was the worst dream he has had, now he knew if he didn't fix this problem, he would surely die. He had never had such a vivid dream. A chill went down his spine when he thought about it. He got up, got dressed, and grabbed a piece of bread and headed off to the town. It was just before sunrise so he didn't know if the healer would be awake.

He finally reached Galleria, the nearest merchant town, he helped the healer once, and still hadn't (a synonym for "cashed in" like what you would do with a favor) that favor. He walked up to the store and began to pound on the door of the healer. After a few minutes with no response, he heard a voice beckoning to him. "Come closer my child, and i will tell you a story." said an old women shrouded by darkness. He had no other choice but to pass the time until the healer awoke. So he subdued and went to her. "Yes child you are filled with dark, but you shine brighter then the sun!" the women said. "What do you mean?" he replied. "You are on a thin path, the dark wants you, but the light protects you." She said. It was then that he realized what she meant, the nightmares are trying to kill him. "You know about my nightmares?" he asked. "Yes your burden of foresight, such a tool of evil, but you don't know of it." "Please tell me how i can get rid of them." he pleaded. "Such a gift, past down by generations, only the son of the 8th son has this gift. You should be proud!" "Proud!? I am a simple farmer, these dreams of death are no use to me! How can one be proud of this!" he argued. "When the time comes you will head my words. And you will understand." She said as she fell back into the shadows and disappeared. "What do you mean!" He yelled.

Chapter 2
"One day child, you will be the greatest heroine of this land....." as a dark but familiar voice echoed to her. She awoke frightened; she reached for an old book and hugged it like it was a child. "Oh father..." said the hooded girl with an agonizing voice. She sat still and recalled haunting memories of her childhood. The forest was her wake, she only knew this place. She withdrew the book from her grasp and set it on her lap. She fingered the spine feeling the rough symbols of a language she didn’t know. She thought about her father, their last moments together. She shut her eyes and the memories came back...
"Give us all yer goods and we’ll letcha go!" sneered a bandit, pointing his sword at the men and women who had lined up along the grass. Nobody moved, or even flinched to this man, they only stared to the ground with dead eyes. The girl was only a child in her mother’s arms but she knew what was happening, this wasn’t the first time the bandits came to plunder her village. A man on a horse came riding in, he was recognized as the leader of the bandits. "Now now, you aren’t giving my men a hard time now, are you?" the bandit leader said as he trotted along the line. He came up to the child’s father and pulled a sword to him. "Now now, is that a silk shirt? How could you have possibly afforded that? Did we not clean you out last time?" He said as he scraped his sword up his chest to the man’s neck. "Why don’t you hand over all that money you have?" He signaled his men to go inside the obscure house.
The man came out with a book with strange markings on it. "This is all I could find, he’s dead broke." said the bandit. The leader took the book and when the father realized what he had taken he was suddenly sparked to life. He sprang toward the leader, knocking him off his horse latching onto the book with all his might. The bandits rush over and manage to pull him off their leader. "If you’re so passionate about this book, you can have it." He says as he throws the book into their house. The bandits round up all the people and lock them in their houses and begin to burn the houses down. The father went up to his child "Do you remember what I told you?" he asked, as the little girl nodded. Her mother opened a small latch and wrapped a piece of bread in a cloth. "Here Shinozu, now run off!" said her mother. The little girl took the bread and started to climb down the trap door. Before she could run down the tunnel her father came to the entrance, "Here take this, it is meant to be yours." He says as he hands her the book. She ran down the tunnel and heard the scream of her mother....
She awoke back into her reality, heart racing, she looked around and decided it was time to move on. Enough of the past, she had to let go of it. She read the book, but she could only understand it's illustrations. The illustrations were dated 500 years ago, but the warriors in the picture looked so familiar. That was all she could understand, sadly.

She got off of the grass, and exited the small rock wall that enclosed and protected her. She took her knives, fixed her long, draping cape, and put her hood on. It was time to restock on supplies in another area. She headed east, and found a small farm. She entered through a cellar door on the side of the house and started looking for any valuables.

Chapter 3 - Me and him are having a dispute about this chapter, please comment and tell me what you think, should she be innocent? or a cold hard criminal.

He stormed down the hill and went back to his farm. He was outraged at that women! How could she tell him these things but give him no answer! He reached his farm and felt a chill down his spine. He ran through the door and opened the cellar door and ran down there. He then saw a small figure taking his potatoes. He grabbed the figure's arm and spun it around. "I.....I'm sorry please don't hurt me" she begged. He let her go and she went down and begged for mercy. It was then that he remembered. He backed away and it echoed to him "...burden of foresight..." the woman's words echoed through his mind. "Who... who are you?" asked the farmer. The girl was confused, "Um... I'm Shinozu" she replied. "Are you hungry?" he said still struck by what he had realized. "Yes, very so." she said with a glimmer of happiness.

The farmer sat across the table from the girl and just stared at her with eyes examining every detail. He wasn't sure if this was reality or a dream. "Um sir, Ive told you who i am, can i ask who you are?" she asked with a kind voice. "I'm a farmer..." he said, unable to recall his name from the sudden realization. "My name is Johan." The girl then gasped. "Father....?"


I honestly cant stop reading it. Its so awsome..
 
Last edited:
Yo, here's the original. There's a few problems, but please, please tell me which one is better.

Gripped onto the strands of fate, a hero is caught in the webs of evil. Guided by blind justice, he goes where his heart tells him to go. Inevitably, he often escapes with cheap tricks, but not this time. This time, he has to face his destiny.

But from another side, one has been conceived by the dark shadows of uncertainty, and malevolence. She does not know where she is going, or what she is doing, but she always seems to be on the right path for her final vocation.


Chapter 1
The sun begins to shed its light on my field, making my flowers glow and my pond sparkle. It makes the air warmer, and everything glow with a weak light. My eyes open to the beautiful sunrise, after another sleepless night. I was at least a bit happy, after another nightmare. These are the nightmares that haunted me every single night, but they do not make any sense. At times, I see myself with a girl hidden in a cape, saying strange words. Other times I can see myself with a beautiful girl, fighting against the dead. They do not make any sense, since I do not know of anyone like that, and I do not fight. I am merely a simple farmer, who wants to grow his crops and get rich before retiring. Well, enough of this, I better water my crops and feed the fish.
I felt nervous throughout the morning, all because the nightmare last night was the most intense thing I have ever dreamed of in my sleep. My plants seemed very healthy, my garden was stunning, as it usually was, and the fish were riveted to go through with the rest of the day. I didn't feel like how everything was in my farm, I just couldn't take it off of my mind. The nightmares must mean something, something that will alter my destiny. I pondered about it until noon, and I thought of a possible solution. I should head into Galeria, and ask Hinotu, the fortune teller for predictions of my nightmares. I know, the Hinotu can help, she's always right.

I start my walk down the beaten path to Galeria, hoping to find Hinotu. My hands started to slightly sweat, I was getting really nervous. I was really eager to see what my dreams were about. Soon enough, I arrived at Galeria. There was a large number of children running around, many adults working. I then saw a sign that pointed to Hinotu's hut. Eagerly, I ran towards the hut. As I entered, Hinotu raised her head to me, and said, "Hello, Johan. I knew you would come to ask about your nightmares." I replied, saying, "How do you know my name, and why I came here?" "Do you not know? I can see the future, I am a fortune teller." "Ah... Well, what can you tell me about my first dream? Where a strange girl in a cape is talking to me?" "That strange girl, will be the one to help you set your path onto your destiny. That girl will be your most helpful source. That girl is known as one of the Time Leapers. Time Leapers are those people that can jump into any point of time, but cannot interact with the environment. They help by speaking to the ones they intend to help." "But why would one want to help me?" "You do not know it yet, but you will be a great hero soon. I can only tell you that much about this dream." "Then what about my second dream? The one with the girl fighting with me against the dead?" "That girl will be your greatest companion throughout your battle to defeat an evil knight who has been possessed. The knight is terrorizing all of Rutheria. He raids cities, towns, villages, down to every beggar's belongings. You must defeat his army of raised warriors, for the spirit that possessed him was of a powerful necromancer." "Ah... I see. Thank you for your help. Here's a hundred gold pieces for your help." "This is the first time I'm tipped. Good luck on your journey, Johan."

Chapter 2
"One day child, you will be the greatest heroine of this land....." as a dark but familiar voice echoed to her. She awoke frightened; she reached for an old book and hugged it like it was a child. "Oh father..." said the hooded girl with an agonizing voice. She sat still and recalled haunting memories of her childhood. The forest was her wake, she only knew this place. She withdrew the book from her grasp and set it on her lap. She fingered the spine feeling the rough symbols of a language she didn’t know. She thought about her father, their last moments together. She shut her eyes and the memories came back...
"Give us all yer goods and we’ll letcha go!" sneered a bandit, pointing his sword at the men and women who had lined up along the grass. Nobody moved, or even flinched to this man, they only stared to the ground with dead eyes. The girl was only a child in her mother’s arms but she knew what was happening, this wasn’t the first time the bandits came to plunder her village. A man on a horse came riding in, he was recognized as the leader of the bandits. "Now now, you aren’t giving my men a hard time now, are you?" the bandit leader said as he trotted along the line. He came up to the child’s father and pulled a sword to him. "Now now, is that a silk shirt? How could you have possibly afforded that? Did we not clean you out last time?" He said as he scraped his sword up his chest to the man’s neck. "Why don’t you hand over all that money you have?" He signaled his men to go inside the obscure house.
The man came out with a book with strange markings on it. "This is all I could find, he’s dead broke." said the bandit. The leader took the book and when the father realized what he had taken he was suddenly sparked to life. He sprang toward the leader, knocking him off his horse latching onto the book with all his might. The bandits rush over and manage to pull him off their leader. "If you’re so passionate about this book, you can have it." He says as he throws the book into their house. The bandits round up all the people and lock them in their houses and begin to burn the houses down. The father went up to his child "Do you remember what I told you?" he asked, as the little girl nodded. Her mother opened a small latch and wrapped a piece of bread in a cloth. "Here Shinozu, now run off!" said her mother. The little girl took the bread and started to climb down the trap door. Before she could run down the tunnel her father came to the entrance, "Here take this, it is meant to be yours." He says as he hands her the book. She ran down the tunnel and heard the scream of her mother....
She awoke back into her reality, heart racing, she looked around and decided it was time to move on. Enough of the past, she had to let go of it. She read the book, but she could only understand it's illustrations. The illustrations were of a man and woman defeating a common evil. That was all she could understand, sadly.

She got off of the grass, and exited the small rock wall that enclosed and protected her. She took her knives, fixed her long, draping cape, and put her hood on. It was time to raid another area. She headed east, and found a small farm. She entered and started looking for any valuables.

Chapter 3
"I don't understand it. How will I become a hero? And who is this girl I will meet? I'm so confused... I'm just Johan. A simple farmer, I just want a normal farmer's life." Johan complained to himself as he walked down the beaten path back to his farm. He kept thinking about the second dream the most, so much that he stopped in the middle of the road and dropped his hoe. "What am I doing? I'll just finish the farm work for today then I'll think of it." he said. He picked his hoe up and started walking again. The walk was warm; it was almost sundown by the time I came home. I greeted some wagons passing by, a couple of guards doing their early evening patrol, and I arrived home. I hung my hoe and took off my thick coat. "Ahh, it's time to rest." As I said that, I heard a sudden rustle of fabric and light footsteps. Someone else was in my farm. I took my shovel and some rope, wrapped it around my arm and held the shovel tightly in my hands. I held my breath for a few seconds, to try and listen to the intruder's breathing. I heard a light cough, and looked in that general direction. I took a step forward and swiped my shovel, but the intruder was able to evade. I was sliced in the elbow, and she ran away. The cut was heavily bleeding, it was a deep wound. Now I know the pain of combat. It didn't hinder me too much, but it was really painful. I ran towards the intruder, and was able to hit the intruder. The intruder fell unconscious; I first thought I killed the intruder. I cleaned my wound and covered it with two layers of cloth. The cloth layers were quickly covered in blood, but it was enough to stop the bleeding. I took off the intruder's hood, and saw that she was a woman, and she looked like the one in my second dream. I was extremely confused and at the same time frightened, and I thought more about her and how she looked like the woman in my dream. She was wielding the same weapons, she had the same hood and cape, I was sure it was her, but I didn't want to believe it. I carried her to a pole and tied her hands so she couldn't escape. A few minutes passed, and she finally woke up. She seemed surprised as to how she was taken down. "Let me go!", she exclaimed. "No, not until you answer some questions for me." I said. "Fine, what do you want to know?" "First of all, who are you?" "I'm Shinozu... A rogue thief without a family. My family was killed by bandits." "Okay... Now what do you want from my farm?" "I thought you would be smarter than this... I'm a THIEF. I steal things, but there's nothing of interest in this hellhole." "Keep your mouth shut about my farm." "Well, I didn't find anything, did I? My pockets are empty." A short silence followed. "Well, if I let you go, will you hurt me?" "Yes, I probably would. So, go ahead and let me go." "Who said I would? I'll take you to Hinotu the fortune teller in Galeria, and see what she has to say about you." "No! Don't take me to Galeria! If any of the guards see me there, I'll be beheaded!" "I need you alive... So I can't ask Hinotu." "Why do you want to take me to Hinotu anyway?" "Because I want to confirm who you are." "What do you mean by that?" "Because I think you are the girl that appeared in my dreams. We were fighting side by side against an undead bandit army." "What did these bandits look like?" "I didn't really see them that well, but the main theme of their armor's color was brown, with a large skull insignia on their chest pieces." "That's them..." "That's who?" "The band of bandits that destroyed my village, and killed my parents. They raided our homes, and burnt down all of our homes." "That's... Sad to hear. Hinotu told me that I'll be fighting the bandit leader alongside with you. So I guess we'll be allies." "You really think I'll help you?" "No, I'll be helping you. I'll be helping you avenge your family." "If I wanted to avenge my family, I could do it myself." "If you don't agree to me helping you, then I'll leave you here and let you die from starvation." "Fine... Let's work together." "Good, we have an agreement."
 
Level 10
Joined
Jan 24, 2009
Messages
606
OK.
@InfinateAnswers:
You're writing in both present and past, like this line:
has he finally lost it like his fore father did?
Should be more like:
Had he finally lost it like his fore father did?
There's another thing that bothers me too... There is almost no flow in the language, you reapitetly start your scentenses with the word "He", and that is one of the main reasons why some people stop reading some stories, because the better flow, the easier and more fun it is to read.

I'm going to fill this reply with more feedback at your WiP as I read futher in to it.
 
Level 12
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
865
Gripped onto the strands of fate, a hero is caught in the webs of evil. Guided by blind justice, he follows his heart. Inevitably, he often escapes with cheap tricks, but not this time. This time, he has to face his destiny.

But from another side, one has been conceived by the dark shadows of uncertainty, and malevolence. She does not know where she is going, or what she is doing, but she always seems to be on the right path for her final vocation.


Chapter 1
The sun begins to shed its light on my field, making my flowers glow and my pond sparkle. It makes the air warmer, and everything glow with a weak light. My eyes open to the beautiful sunrise, after another sleepless night. I was slightly glad after another nightmare. These are the nightmares that haunted me every single night, but they do not make any sense. At times, I see myself with a girl hidden in a cape, saying strange words. Other times I can see myself with a beautiful girl, fighting against the dead. They do not make any sense, since I do not know of anyone like that, and I do not fight. I am merely a simple farmer, who wants to grow his crops and get rich before retiring. Well, enough of this, I better water my crops and feed the fish.
I felt nervous throughout the morning, all because the nightmare last night was the most intense thing I have ever imagined in my sleep. My plants seemed very healthy, my garden was stunning, as it usually was, and the fish were riveted to go through with the rest of the day. I didn't share the same ambiance as my farm, I just couldn't take it off of my mind. The nightmares must mean something, something that will alter my destiny. I pondered about it until noon, and I thought of a possible solution. I should head into Galeria, and ask Hinotu, the fortune teller for predictions of my nightmares. I know, the Hinotu can help, she's always right.

I began my walk down the beaten path to Galeria, hoping to find Hinotu. My hands started to slightly sweat, I was getting really nervous. I was really eager to see what my dreams were about. Soon enough, I arrived at Galeria. There was a large number of children running around, many adults working. I then saw a sign that pointed to Hinotu's hut. Eagerly, I ran towards the hut. As I entered, Hinotu raised her head to me, and said: "Hello, Johan. I knew you would come to ask about your nightmares." I replied, saying: "How do you know my name, and why I have come here?" "Do you not know? I can see the future, I am a fortune teller." "Ah... Well, what can you tell me about my first dream? Where a strange girl in a cape is talking to me?" "That strange girl, will be the one to help you set your path onto your destiny. That girl will be your most helpful source. That girl is known as one of the Time Leapers. Time Leapers are those people that can jump into any point of time, but cannot interact with the environment. They help by speaking to the ones they intend to help." "But why would one want to help me?" "You do not know it yet, but you will be a great hero soon. That is all I can tell you about this dream." "Then what about my second dream? The one with the girl fighting with me against the dead?" "That girl will be your greatest companion throughout your battle to defeat an evil possessed knight. The knight is terrorizing all of Rutheria. He raids cities, towns, villages, down to every beggar's belongings. You must defeat his army of risen warriors, for the spirit that possessed him was of a powerful necromancer." "Ah... I see. Thank you, here's a hundred gold pieces for your help." "This is the first time I'm tipped. Good luck on your journey, Johan."

Chapter 2
"One day child, you will be the greatest heroine of this land....." as a dark but familiar voice echoed to her. She awoke frightened; she reached for an old book and hugged it like it was a child. "Oh father..." said the hooded girl with an agonizing voice. She sat still and recalled haunting memories of her childhood. The forest was her wake, she only knew this place. She withdrew the book from her grasp and set it on her lap. As she fingered the rough symbols of a language she didn’t know, a cold feeling shivered down her spine. She thought about her father, their last moments together. She shut her eyes and the memories came back...
"Give us all yer goods and we’ll letcha go!" sneered a bandit, pointing his sword at the men and women who had lined up along the grass. Nobody moved, or even flinched to this man, they only stared to the ground with dead eyes. The girl was only a child in her mother’s arms but she knew what was happening, this wasn’t the first time the bandits came to plunder her village. A man on a horse came riding in, he was recognized as the leader of the bandits. "Now now, you aren’t giving my men a hard time now, are you?" the bandit leader said as he trotted along the line. He came up to the child’s father and pulled a sword to him. "Now now, is that a silk shirt? How could you have possibly afforded that? Did we not clean you out last time?" He said as he scraped his sword up his chest to the man’s neck. "Why don’t you hand over all that money you have?" He signaled his men to go inside the obscure house.
A man came out carrying a book with strange markings on it. "This is all I could find, he’s dead broke." said the bandit. The leader took the book and when the father realized what the bandit lord had taken he was suddenly sparked to life. He sprang toward the leader, knocking him off his horse latching onto the book with all his might. The bandits rushed over and managed to pull him off their leader. "If you’re so passionate about this book, you can have it." He said as he threw the book into their house. The bandits rounded up all the people and locked them in their houses as they began to burn the houses down. The father went up to his child, "Do you remember what I told you?" he asked, the little girl nodded. Her mother opened a small latch and wrapped a piece of bread in a cloth. "Here Shinozu, now run off!" said her mother. The little girl took the bread and started to climb down the trap door. Before she could run down the tunnel, her father came to the entrance, "Here take this, it is meant to be yours." He says as he hands her the book. She ran down the tunnel and heard the scream of her mother....
She awoke back into her reality, heart racing, she looked around and decided it was time to move on. Enough of the past, she had to let go of it. She read the book, but she could only understand it's illustrations. The illustrations were of a man and woman defeating a common evil. That was all she could understand, sadly.

She got off the grass, and exited the small rock wall that enclosed and protected her. She took her knives, fixed her long, draping cape, and put her hood on. It was time to raid another area. She headed east, and found a small farm. She entered and started looking for any valuables.

Chapter 3
"I don't understand it. How will I become a hero? And who is this girl I will meet? I'm so confused... I'm just Johan. A simple farmer, I just want a normal farmer's life." Johan complained to himself as he walked down the beaten path back to his farm. He kept thinking about the second dream the most, so much that he stopped in the middle of the road and dropped his hoe. "What am I doing? I'll just finish the farm work for today then I'll think of it." he said. He picked his hoe up and started walking again. The walk was warm; it was almost sundown by the time he came home. I greeted some wagons passing by, a couple of guards doing their early evening patrol, and then I arrived home. I hung my hoe and took off my thick coat. "Ahh, it's time to rest." As I said that, I heard a sudden rustle of fabric and light footsteps. Someone else was in my farm. I took my shovel and some rope, wrapped it around my arm and held the shovel tightly in my hands. I held my breath for a few seconds, to try and listen to the intruder's breathing. I heard a light cough, and looked in that general direction. I took a step forward and swiped my shovel, but the intruder was able to evade. I was sliced in the elbow, and she ran away. The cut was heavily bleeding, it was a deep wound. Now I know the pain of combat. It didn't hinder me too much, but it was really painful. I ran towards the intruder, and was able to hit her. The intruder fell unconscious; I first thought I killed . I cleaned my wound and covered it with two layers of cloth. The cloth layers were quickly drenched in blood, but it was enough to stop the bleeding. I took off the intruder's hood, and saw that she was a woman, and she looked like the one in my second dream. I was extremely confused and at the same time frightened, and I thought more about her and how she looked like the woman in my dream. She was wielding the same weapons, she had the same hood and cape, I was sure it was her, but I didn't want to believe it. I carried her to a pole and tied her hands so she couldn't escape. A few minutes passed, and she finally woke up. She seemed surprised as to how she was taken down. "Let me go!", she exclaimed. "No, not until you answer some questions for me." I said. "Fine, what do you want to know?" "First of all, who are you?" "I'm Shinozu... A rogue thief without a family. My family was killed by bandits." "Okay... Now what do you want from my farm?" "I thought you would be smarter than this... I'm a THIEF. I steal things, but there's nothing of interest in this hellhole." "Keep your mouth shut about my farm." "Well, I didn't find anything, did I? My pockets are empty." A short silence followed. "Well, if I let you go, will you hurt me?" "Yes, I probably would. So, go ahead and let me go." "Who said I would? I'll take you to Hinotu, the fortune teller in Galeria, and see what she has to say about you." "No! Don't take me to Galeria! If any of the guards see me there, I'll be beheaded!" "I need you alive... So I can't ask Hinotu." "Why do you want to take me to Hinotu anyway?" "Because I want to confirm who you are." "What do you mean by that?" "Because I think you are the girl that appeared in my dreams. We were fighting side by side against an undead bandit army." "What did these bandits look like?" "I didn't really see them that well, but the main theme of their armor's color was brown, with a large skull insignia on their chest pieces." "That's them..." "That's who?" "The band of bandits that destroyed my village, and killed my parents. They raided our homes, and burnt down all of our homes." "That's... Sad to hear. Hinotu told me that I'll be fighting the bandit leader alongside you. So I guess we'll be allies." "You really think I'll help you?" "No, I'll be helping you. I'll be helping you avenge your family." "If I wanted to avenge my family, I could do it myself." "If you don't agree with me on helping you, then I'll leave you here and let you die from starvation." "Fine... Let's work together." "Good, we have an agreement."

Nothing big, just some spelling and grammar mistakes. Plus, you're writing in both past and present tenses simultaneously, and shifted from third person to first person in Chapter 3.

Other than those, the whole WiP was rather pleasant, it reminded me of The Towers of the Sunset by L. E. Modesitt, Jr..
 
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Level 10
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WiP Time it seems:p

It was a dark and misty night, only the lights from the few lamps on the side of the road lit up the little village. The sound of feet hitting the ground became clearer and clearer as a man, a warrior of the village, came walking down the road. He was on a security stroll, looking over the village during the nighttime. He made do with this shift as it gave him time to think about how much he loved this little village and all the people living in it. You could only hear a handful of sounds throughout the village, as most of its people were asleep, waiting for the night to be over and a new day to begin. He was half way through the normal patrol route, when he decided to walk slower, down the road, than usual as he had many things stuck inside his thoughts that he just wanted to sort out and because of that one night's unusual darkness.
Suddenly the warrior heard steps to his side, and he readied his stance, gripping his sword fiercely. The sound of steps neared, and he drew his sword and started striding towards the sound. As he did, the sound stopped, and a figure formed in the darkness, the figure of a woman. The warrior slowed his pace, frowning, and returned his sword to its sheath.
"What are you doing here at this late an hour? You startled me," he called. His frustration was made clear in his speech.
"I'm sorry – I'm just returning to my home,” the woman said. As he neared her he saw her more clearly; she had hazel eyes, long brown hair and a long blue gown.
"Not an ideal time for a lady like you to be walking outside."
"I think… I think I got lost."
"That is not good. What were you doing out this late?"
"I…" he recognized a small patch of blush appearing on her cheeks. "I was at the church… praying for my sick grandmother."
The warrior was not convinced, but he did not want this story to waste his shift-time. "Well then, would you mind if I accompanied you until you recognize the way?"
The woman seemed relieved. "That would be very helpful of you, kind sir."
"Where do you live?"
"I live in the western part of the village, near the barn."
"That’s quite near. We'd better get going."
They began walking towards the western part of the village; they only had to go a few hundred meters to get to the western part of town. There was an awkward silence in the air as they walked towards their destination. They reached a lamppost near “The Wicked Tavern” when she finally said “Thank you, good sir, now I know the rest of the way” He replied by saying “Glad to have helped, milady.” They both said “So long” and departed. The warrior went back to his patrol, and started to think about the same things he had thought of before the encounter with the woman.


I would love to here your feedback.
This WiP is a WiP created by Naitsirk and Idodik, and it's still under devolepment
 
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Level 12
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I saw the table - you forgot Alagremm and I, Vizel. =P

I never saw an announcement of you finding a partner in this thread.

List update:

  • Added Wolfe and Alagremm to the list
  • Added IA's team's WiP
  • Added Naitsirk's team's WiP
I'll keep it updated, so keep up the good work, everyone!
 
Level 12
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Messages
865
It was a dark and misty night, only the lights from the few lamps on the side of the road lit up the little village. The sound of feet hitting the ground became clearer and clearer as a man, a warrior of the village, came walking down the road. He was on a security stroll, looking over the village during the nighttime. He made do with this shift as it gave him time to think about how much he loved this little village and all the people living in it. You could only hear a handful of sounds throughout the village, as most of its people were asleep, waiting for the day to be over and a new day to begin. He was half way through the normal patrol route, when he decided to walk slower down the road than usual as he had many things stuck inside his thoughts that he just wanted to sort out and because of that one night's unusual darkness.
Suddenly the warrior heard steps to his side, and he readied his stance, gripping his sword fiercely. The sound of steps neared, and he drew his sword and started striding towards the sound. As he did, the sound stopped, and a figure formed in the darkness, the figure of a woman. The warrior slowed his pace, frowning, and returned his sword to its sheath.
"What are you doing here at this late an hour? You startled me," he called. His frustration was made clear in his speech.
"I'm sorry – I'm just returning to my home,” the woman said. As he neared her he saw her more clearly: she had hazel eyes and long brown hair, and a long blue gown.
"Not an ideal time for a lady like you to be walking outside."
"I think… I think I got lost."
"That is not good. What were you doing out this late?"
"I…" he recognized a small patch of blush appearing on her cheeks. "I was at the church… praying for my sick grandmother."
The warrior was not convinced, but he did not want this story to waste his shift-time. "Well then, would you mind if I accompanied you until you recognize the way?"
The woman seemed relieved. "That would be very helpful of you, kind sir."
"Where do you live?"
"I live in the western part of the village, near the barn."
"That’s quite near. We'd better get going."
They began walking towards the western part of the village; they only had to go a few hundred meters to get to the western part of town. It was an awkward silence in the air as they walked towards their destination. They reached a lamppost near “The Wicked Tavern” when she finally said “Thank you, good sir, now I know the rest of the way” He replied by saying “Glad to have helped, milady.” They both said “So long” and departed. The warrior went back to his route, and started to think about the same things he had thought of before the encounter with the woman.


Minor mistakes, nothing serious.

This was really interesting, I am curious to know what the guard has on his mind.

EDIT: Good job Vizel, I suggest you place a link to the original post every time you update.
 
Level 17
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2,275
waiting for the day to be over

Technically it should be

InfinateAnswers said:
waiting for the night to be over

since the day was already over when the sun set.

walk slower down the road

Whereas it should be

InfinateAnswers said:
walk slower, down the road, than

Im not too sure but your colon
clearly: she
i think it should be a semi colon

They began walking towards the western part of the village; they only had to go a few hundred meters to get to the western part of town.

I think this needs revision, it feels.. repetitive.

It was an awkward silence

There was an akward silence

back to his route

It was his patrol route sounds weird

Well thats everything i could find. I like it so far, i cant wait to read the womens perspective, and what she was doing he he. I already have an idea.
 
Level 12
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I agree with IA on the colon.

Both parts before and after the colon are acceptably structured sentences. You could put a period there, or, if you'd rather not put one there, a semi-colon would indeed work just fine.

Furthermore, I believe that there's a small grammar error in that sentence with the ands and the commas. It might just be my personal style seeping through, though.

Instead of:
she had hazel eyes and long brown hair, and a long blue gown.
It should be:
she had hazel eyes, long brown hair, and a long blue gown.
So we'd end up with:
As he neared her he saw her more clearly: she had hazel eyes, long brown hair, and a long blue gown.
This could become:
As he neared her he saw her more clearly. She had hazel eyes, long brown hair, and a long blue gown.
Or it could be:
As he neared her he saw her more clearly; she had hazel eyes, long brown hair, and a long blue gown.
 
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