Tell your jokes here

[Raiju]

some trains arent yellow :?

 

[Ramza]

some trains arent yellow :?

Oh ye... didnt think of that. I live in holland and there all the trains are yellow

 

[olofmoleman]

yeah trains in holland are yellow with blue.

 

[Raiju]

hey here is one a little dirty (sorry if it doesnt looks funny its because i didnt translated it quite well)

3 cientists were in a african jungle researching, when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals

they put the cientists in a cell and called their Chieftain. the Chieftain said to them that their people like a lot the "whitey butts" so he was going to give'em a choice...

He asks for the first one: Death or Cowabunga (guess what is that :twisted: ) ?
-Cowaaaaabungaaa woooo!

5 men began to "Cowabunga" him while the others just hear the screams, when they finished with the gay cientist they freed him and he went back to the base jumping of happiness ^^

Then the Chieftain asks for the second: Death or Cowabunga?
-Oh my God i have 2 children and a wife, i cant leave them! I'm a man but i have to this for the sake of my family, cowabunga...

again 5 men began to "Cowabunga" him. when they finished the man went back to the base with horror stamped on the face

Finally, the Chieftain asks for the last cientist: Death or Cowabunga?
-I'm a man goddammit! F*ck all of you gay cannibals. i prefer Death over this!

then the chieftain thinks a little and say: DEATH BY COWABUNGA :twisted:

 

[Ramza]

hey here is one a little dirty (sorry if it doesnt looks funny its because i didnt translated it quite well)

3 cientists were in a african jungle researching, when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals

they put the cientists in a cell and called their Chieftain. the Chieftain said to them that their people like a lot the "whitey butts" so he was going to give'em a choice...

He asks for the first one: Death or Cowabunga (guess what is that :twisted: ) ?
-Cowaaaaabungaaa woooo!

5 men began to "Cowabunga" him while the others just hear the screams, when they finished with the gay cientist they freed him and he went back to the base jumping of happiness ^^

Then the Chieftain asks for the second: Death or Cowabunga?
-Oh my God i have 2 children and a wife, i cant leave them! I'm a man but i have to this for the sake of my family, cowabunga...

again 5 men began to "Cowabunga" him. when they finished the man went back to the base with horror stamped on the face

Finally, the Chieftain asks for the last cientist: Death or Cowabunga?
-I'm a man goddammit! F*ck all of you gay cannibals. i prefer Death over this!

then the chieftain thinks a little and say: DEATH BY COWABUNGA :twisted:

That 1 is the frist joke where I really had to laugh :lol:

 

[Bustr_Bladr]

A mailman got to deliver a letter and when he got near the house he saw a poster that says: "Beware, dog". He got carefully in and he saw the lady of the house with a chihuahua. Then he asks:
-That's a cute little dog, but why did you put that poster that says beware?
-I don't want my doggy to get squished.

 

[Ki]

These jokes are directed towards people who arn't serious (and are crude).

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
-Trick question, it depends on how hard you throw them.

What's the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies?
-I don't have a corvette in my garage.

What is burnt, crispy, and taps on glass?
-A baby in a microwave

What's worse than ten dead babies in one garbage can?
-One dead baby in ten garbage cans

 

[Raiju]

the last one was slightly cool

 

[Leopard]

LOL, most of jokes are cool. Sorry I don't have one, maybe next time.

 

[olofmoleman]

wtf?

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
-Trick question, it depends on how hard you throw them.

What's the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies?
-I don't have a corvette in my garage.

What is burnt, crispy, and taps on glass?
-A baby in a microwave

What's worse than ten dead babies in one garbage can?
-One dead baby in ten garbage cans

What do you have against babies?


anyway... here are sum jokes

-What has eyes but can't see?
A potato!

A translation from Dutch, so maybe it's not that funny.
-A pig walks up to a wall plug and says "aaw poor thing, who trapped you in there?"

 

[SnakeBite]

I dont get the last one :|

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

 

[Kimbo]

lol, thats so funny...but im not an airhead..

 

[olofmoleman]

I dont get the last one :|

Don't know about other countries, but in Holland we have wall plug that look a bit like noses of pigs.

 

[SnakeBite]

I dont get the last one :|

Don't know about other countries, but in Holland we have wall plug that look a bit like noses of pigs.

oh rite.. im from england ours are 3 pin plugs...

lol, thats so funny...but im not an airhead..

sry no offense meant

Edit:
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

 

[olofmoleman]

Hehe, funny...

-Three guys are on a dererted island somewhere in the pacific ocean, suddely god appears and says "I will grant you one wish each" the first guy says "I wish I was home drinking a Cola" "Poof" and he was gone. The second guy says "I wish I was home drinking a beer" "Poof" and he was gone.
Then it was the third guy's turn, and he said "hmm it's awefully quite here, I wish those other two guys were back here to keep me company!" "Poof".

-Three guys go to a magic swimmingpool. When you jump off the diving board you say what you want the pool to be filled with and it is suddenly filled with what you said.
The first guy walks up to the divingboard and says "Coca Cola!" he jumps, and the pool has indeed been filled with Cola.
The second guy walks up to the diving board and says "Beer!" he jumps, and the pool has suddenly been filled with Cola.
Then the third guy walks up to the divingboard, he want's to do a special trick, so he prepares to jump, he slips and says "SH*T!".

 

[SnakeBite]

lol... v.gd.

________________________________
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer ... you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators; the engineer soon becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators! And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!"

God exclaims: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan, standing his ground, challenges: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God replies threateningly: "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
_____________________________
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why, yes I am!"

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
____________________________

 

[Raiju]

:lol: the lawyer one was hell funny :lol:

A gay dies of AIDS and goes to heaven, saint Peter then look closely to him: pink jeans, raibow-colored t-shirt, earring in both ears, and a very languid look in his/her face

saint Peter say with some disgust to him: Go to the waiting room and take this pill

the little fruit goes happily to the waiting room and swallow the pill, short after, he/she feels an immense will of making sh!t (ya know, the solid thing we do in the bathroom). the gay spends almost 2 hours making the sh!t, when she/he is done, she goes argue with saint Peter...

-Wooo Peteeee! i have been almost 2 hours in the waiting room, can i enter heaven now my darling?

-No. go to the waiting room and take this other pill

the fruit goes to the waiting room and swallow the pill, again, she/he feels urge to make sh!t. the gay spends almost 10 hours making it, and felt great pain. when he/she done, she goes argue with "Pete" again

-Peteee my baby, its been half of the day and i still dont enter heaven. can i enter now?

saint Peter looks carefully to the gay (scrambled clothes and aheel of a smell :roll: ) and dtects the same languid look the gay had when he/she entered heaven's gates so he says

-Almost done. go to the waiting room and take this super pill

the fruit goes to the waiting room a little upset about taking another pill. as you already know, the gay went to the bathroom and ame the biggest sh!t it made in her/his whole lifetime. 2 full days just making sh!t, the fruit even expelled blood and intestines :twisted:

full of pain and all scrambled, "the now not too nice gay bi*ch" runs all mad to saint Peter...

-WTF YOU GAVE TO ME! THERES BEEN 2 AND A HALF DAY ONLY MAKING SH!T AND I STILL DONT ENTER HEAVEN!!!

sait Peter look carefully to the angered fruit and nodes with satisfaction:

-Do you understand now whats the real use for the ass?

 

[SnakeBite]

lol execllant...

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."
__________________________________

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

 

[olofmoleman]

eeww, thats nasty

here are some jokes I found on internet.
What is red and green?
What is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender


Star Dreck
Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise's toilet?
A: The Captain's log.


Holy Water
Three men go to a church and ask to be forgiven for their sins. The priest asks the first man what he did. The man replies, "I robbed a bank. " The 2nd man tells the priest he killed a man. The priest says that is really bad and to go drink the holy water and he will be forgiven. The third man starts to laugh, so the priest asks him, "And what sin have you committed?" The third man replies, "I pissed in the holy water"

 

[SnakeBite]

lol, like the 1st one!!

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

 

[Raiju]

lol

another devilish one :twisted:

Carlos was a very bad man, he was a wifefu*ker, thief and drugdealer

one day he died during a robbery, and of course, he go to hell

Satan then welcomed him:
-Greetings Carlos! For the sins you commited in life, you pay eternally in your death. But since you helped me so much with your crimes in the upper world, i shall give you 3 choices of suffering

Satan then leads him to a big peak with many people carrying blocks to the top
-Here the souls are condemned to carry these imense blocks of 2 tons to the summit of the peak, just to throw then from there and having to catch them in the base of the peak, restarting the labor for all eternity....Do you want this suffering?

-Noo! Let me see the other options!

Satan the lead him to a living fire road with many beggar-life people are walking on
-Here the souls are condemned to search for their lost limbs in this road of fire for all eternity, some of their eyes, ears and arms are hidden in many places in the end of this road of 5 thousand miles where in the end, they must sacrifice another limb to "keep playing my game". Do you want this suffering?

-Argh no! Let me see the last one...

Satan then leads Carlos to a tiny room where there is a naked blond tied up to a bed where 5 men keep fu**ing her

Satan would begin to explain this suffering but Carlos interrupt him (being a nasty pervert his whole life)

-I want this one Satan! i want this!

-Very well...

Satan then locks up him. Carlos was veryexcited already when he hears an voice from nowhere

-Hey guys, we got a new costumer so you can untie the girl now...

 

[Ramza]

Good 1 :lol:

I have 2 more:

---------------------------------
Its white, it hangs on the wall and it kills negros:

a Kluck Klux Clock
---------------------------------
A Belgian, a Frenchman and a turkish man are sitting in a car. The Belgian sticks his hand out of the car and says: We are in Belgia(dunno the englisch word). THe other two look suprised to him and 1 says: How do u know that? Belgian:Ive a sack of fries in my hand. The Frenchman sticks his hand out of the car and says: We're in Franch. How do u know that? Frenchmen: I've a bottle of wine in my hands. The Turkish guy sticks his hand out of the car and says: Were in Turkije(dunno the englisch word). How do ye know that? Turkish guy: My watch is gone. 8)

PS: I found these on the internet. I didnt come up with em myself.

 

[Xeridanus]

This one is like one of the other jokes, but better. (its got elephants instead of a monkey) (try to work out the answer before reading it)

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
cos he was dead.

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
cos he was attached to the first elephant.

Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
cos he thouht it was a game.

Why did the tree fall over?
cos he thought he was an elephant.
--------------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
--------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees.

The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men might walk slow but they can still think fast

 

[Almost_there]

Nice jokes lolz im busting a gut

 

[Ramza]

Hmz.. about my joke of the kluck klux clock, it isnt funny in englisch I just noticed cuz in holland u have a 'koek koeks klok' and that loks like kluck klux klok, but what is a koekkoeks klok called in englisch?

 

[SnakeBite]

it is kinda funny, but ya wanna be careful...

over here (england) we have cuck coo clocks... im guessin its the same thing (a clock which a ickle birdy pops out every hour)

-----------------------------
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.

But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood."

"They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has"
-------------------------------

 

[Xeridanus]

well, the original gang\cult whatever you want to call them, called themselves klu klux klan, or kkk. so the joke would probably be klu kluck klock.
--------------------------------------------------------
And while we're on christian jokes:

Its kinda long and if you think jesus is near ok, this might offend you. please, I don't want any flame for this. It is obviously not serious, its a joke. However, givin that it might offend someone, I shall not oppose any mod taking it down.



This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

* From the desk of Karl **

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green che.ese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green che.ese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green che.ese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it che.ese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears. "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

 

[olofmoleman]

LOL! Funny!

 

[Raiju]

this cant be explained by mere words, i laughed until my ass blown up! was it Hank?! :lol:

 

[zdog629]

LOL that was simply put the mostest funnyest :shock: thing i heard in a long time

 

[Almost_there]

Jokes are becoming dumb.... huff...

Here's a retarded 1

A guy walks into a bar, OW. hahah hilarious

 

[Xeridanus]

Firstly, that one was told before int his topic. Secondly, this one is funnier:

------------------------------------------------------

Three men walked into a bar. You'd think the third one would have ducked.

------------------------------------------------------

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports) and from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

A gross ignoramus = 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
A room temperature IQ.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
One neuron short of a synapse.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes.
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.


Here are some actual (alleged) logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident:

(QANTAS actually stands for Queensland And Northern Territory Air Service)

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution or action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[Raiju]

Xeridanus this one was boring, too big (the hank one was big but it was so fun that bind me to the joke 'til the end)

and i didnt understand half of the half i read of it, really

===========

A "truck rider" stopped by some middle-road restaurant called Caipira's - Explanation time: There is a especial type of chicken called chicken "Caipira" which can be only found in some special "places were they raise chickens" (dunno the name in english, therefore i will call it GRANJA)

continue...

he stopped by the restaurant and asked for the maid:

-I want a chicken caipira, the best one in the house, bring it to me before you kill it so i can check it

-This one is good enoguh for you sir?

The truck man stick his fingers in the chicken's ass, then it licks it

-You lied to me, this chicken is not caipira, its from the "Granja Javier"

-My mistake sir, i will get another

the maid then brings other chicken...
and the man stick its fingers in the chicken's ass and lick them...

-This one is not caipira either, its from the "Granja Santa Maria"

then the maid go get another one...
the man stick the fingers...(you know the rest)...

-Excellent! this one is caipira, you can cook it!

by this time a very drunken man who were vomiting in the next table (and watching all the process) come by the truck man's table and take off his pants...

-Excuse me, but i've been drinking since last night, can you please tell me where im from?

 

[Xeridanus]

My last joke has a lot of its humour in english, maybe translating it, it loses its funny. Oh well.

MORE JOKES!!!
------------------------------------------------------

Never Question a Drunk


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A Litre of milk,

A carton of eggs,

A Litre of orange juice,

A head of lettuce,

A can of coffee,

And one pack of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "

------------------------------------------------------

There are three men in an aeroplane when it starts to have engine trouble. An Australian, an Irish man, and a Japanese man. They decide to throw some stuff overboard to lighten the load. The Irish man throws a heap of potatoes overboard saying "we've got plenty of these at home." The japanese man throws a heap of computers and electrical gadets overboard, saying "we've got heaps of these at home." The aussie looks around, theres nothing he really wants to get rid of. So he throws the japanese and irish men out saying, "we've got plenty of these at home."

 

[Raiju]

i always delete my DPs 8)

australian guys are kinda pre-conceptuous in general?

 

[Xeridanus]

well in that case I'll edit my post. As for the joke, nah. Australia has too many people from other countries. Well, at least we think so.

 

[lordeverkill]

I got a some good whones to

Teenagers 10 GOLDEN rulez

1. Dont sneak out when youre parents are sleeping
(Why wait so long)

2. Dont lie to your parents
(Just twist the trout a little)

3. Dont steal form Rema 1000
(Bilka Has more stuff)

4. Dont be arrested for Weckin stuff
(Mass destruction got greater effect)

5. Dont Steal from your parants
(Awrywhone noes grandma is richer)

6. Dont join a figth
(Start them youself)

7. Dont skip the physique
(drop the whole day instead...!)

8. dont party all weekend
(theres also 5 weekdays)

9. Dont steal bikes
(cars are faster!)

10. Dont help old ladies over the road
(let them stand in the middle!)
-------------------------------------------


A mand got in the court for stealing a watch

Judge: You have stolen a watch

Man: I dont think so

- Youre full name

- Jens Peter Sofus Aksel Nikolaj Hansen.

- You dont have to mentchen youre whole familly.

- I Dont.

- Born?

- yes of corse.

- I mean when are you born?

- Yes, Im born in Usserød, christended Lillerød, og Confirmed in Hillerød.

- is there more roots?

- Yes theres carrots and ...

- THANKS, are you married?

- Yes!

- With Who?

- With a Woman!

- Yeah normally you dont get married with a man

- Yes, My aunt .

- Thanks. whats your dad?

- Dead!

- Yeah but what was he before he died

- Alive!

- YES BUT WHAS HE

- he had a cold.

- OK But what was he doing?

- Coffing.

- Well he couldent live of that.

- No but he also died.

- I Demmand you innocent and free to go!

- Does that ean i can keap the watch?!

 

[lordeverkill]

I got a some good whones to

Teenagers 10 GOLDEN rulez

1. Dont sneak out when youre parents are sleeping
(Why wait so long)

2. Dont lie to your parents
(Just twist the trout a little)

3. Dont steal form Rema 1000
(Bilka Has more stuff)

4. Dont be arrested for Weckin stuff
(Mass destruction got greater effect)

5. Dont Steal from your parants
(Awrywhone noes grandma is richer)

6. Dont join a figth
(Start them youself)

7. Dont skip the physique
(drop the whole day instead...!)

8. dont party all weekend
(theres also 5 weekdays)

9. Dont steal bikes
(cars are faster!)

10. Dont help old ladies over the road
(let them stand in the middle!)
-------------------------------------------


A mand got in the court for stealing a watch

Judge: You have stolen a watch

Man: I dont think so

- Youre full name

- Jens Peter Sofus Aksel Nikolaj Hansen.

- You dont have to mentchen youre whole familly.

- I Dont.

- Born?

- yes of corse.

- I mean when are you born?

- Yes, Im born in Usserød, christended Lillerød, og Confirmed in Hillerød.

- is there more roots?

- Yes theres carrots and ...

- THANKS, are you married?

- Yes!

- With Who?

- With a Woman!

- Yeah normally you dont get married with a man

- Yes, My aunt .

- Thanks. whats your dad?

- Dead!

- Yeah but what was he before he died

- Alive!

- YES BUT WHAS HE

- he had a cold.

- OK But what was he doing?

- Coffing.

- Well he couldent live of that.

- No but he also died.

- I Demmand you innocent and free to go!

- Does that ean i can keap the watch?!

 

[Ramza]

Dont join a figth
(Start them youself)

hehe 8)

Here another kinda racistic joke, dont know other ones

Why do marocan boys let their mustache grow?



They wanna look like their mum.
-------------------------------
Whats a Marocan in a trashcan?



an Egoist. There fit more marocans in one trashcan

 

[Daelin]

I loved that Bill Gates joke (page 3 I think) and so, I have one too. Enjoy!

Bill Gates dies. And because he did a lot of things on Earth, God calls him to audience.
God: Bill, you've done a lot of things on Earth, so I'm going to let you choose the place to rest for an eternity.
Bill: Umm, God, do you think you could let me go for a while in hell, for a while in heaven, and then I'll tell you?
God: Sure, one week in hell, one week in heaven. Good luck!

First, Bill goes to hell. Gorgeous chicks, good music, a lot of drinks... For a week, Bill has a lot of fun.

Then, he goes to heaven. This place lacks chicks, only angels, almost no food, only classical music... Not so great.

In the end, Bill returns to god.

God: Well Bill, did you make a decision?
Bill: After thinking a lot, and comparing the advantages and disadvantages, I choose hell.
God: Are you sure Bill?
Bill: Of course.

Bill goes to hell. After a week, God goes to hell to see how's Bill doing. The poor man is stuck in boiled mud, up to his neck.

Bill: God, what have you done to me? The first time I came here, the place was awsome. It had gorgeous chicks, lots of drinks and cool music. And now, it's this. What happened to the place I saw two weeks ago?
God: Well Bill... It was just a demo!



~Daelin

 

[Raiju]

haha i already heard that one... :lol:

 

[PEONMASTER]

Jokes

I guess this isn't really a joke...if your OK withit being dirty for you then read it as fast as you can...

I'm not a fig plucker, nor a fig plucker's son, but I'll pluck figs until the fig plucker comes.

 

[lordeverkill]

THIS MESSAGE IS AUTOMATED

HELLO THIS IS A NORWAYS VIRUS SINCE WERE NOT SO CLEWER THIS IS A MANUEL VIRUS PLEASE DELETE ALL YOUR FILS AND HARDDISCK AND SEND THIS EMAIL TO 10 OTHER PEOPLE

 

[lordeverkill]

Magic Man

-what does youre dad do
-Hes a famues magician.
-Okay! Whats his Greatest trick?
-Cuttin people in half.
-Do you have any brohers or sister?
-Yes, a HALFbrother and a HALFsister

This joke is quite tame i no

 

[Xeridanus]

I've heard that virus one about irish. very funny.

--------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the irish ice company that went bankrupt? the only guy who knew the recipe died.

 

[Almost_there]

Wanna hear a Dirty joke?
Billy rolled in the mud
____________________________
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Billy took a bath with bubbles
____________________________
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Bubbles is a guy 8)

 

[Raiju]

Wanna hear a Dirty joke?
Billy rolled in the mud
____________________________
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Billy took a bath with bubbles
____________________________
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Bubbles is a guy 8)

ugh...that was rude...

 

[Xeridanus]

unpleasant to say the least.

 

[Daelin]

Wanna hear a Dirty joke?
Billy rolled in the mud
____________________________
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Billy took a bath with bubbles
____________________________
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Bubbles is a guy 8)

That's just like the sucksid joke... Just that when it is written, it's no longer a joke because you already know what's the trick.

~Daelin

 

[olofmoleman]

More jokes!

-Why does a blonde open a packagde of milk in the store?
because it says "open here".

--------
Found these one on the internet

Blonde Kidnapper

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

-------

Blonde Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

--------

Jokes For Blondes

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "I just got the first joke!".