Tell your jokes here

[Bustr_Bladr]

Tell your favorite jokes here. Here's mine that isn't very good but here it goes:

Lil' Timmy returned home from his first day at school. His mom asks:
-Timmy, what did you learned today?
-I learned to write.
-Oh, what did you wrote?
-I don't know. I didn't learn to read yet. :lol:

 

[olofmoleman]

ZOMG! a joke topic!! awesome!

-Why did the chicken cross the road?
-To get to the other side!


-A realy muscled guy walks in to a pud, he looks around, and shouts: "does any one want to fight with me?!" every one in the pub keeps quite. again the muscled guy shouts: "does any one want to fight with me?!", one man gathers his courage and stutters: "no, no one wants to fight you" then the muscled guy says: "Good, then I can drink in peace here"

 

[Raiju]

geez im not very good with jokes in english
and i only know dirty ones

this is the only clean i know: "A little chicky who didnt have an ass farted and BOOM"

funny huh? :?

 

[Ramza]

geez im not very good with jokes in english
and i only know dirty ones

this is the only clean i know: "A little chicky who didnt have an ass farted and BOOM"

funny huh? :?

I dont get it :shock:

I know a very cool 1

'Why is the neck of the giraffe that long?
...
...
...
...
...
Because his head is so high... hAHAA Pwnzor!11!eleven1!shift1

 

[Goliath the God]

Nice, I got a few.. Here's one of them;

I hated going to weddings, all the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next.", It came to an end when I did the same at funerals...


.. If you don't get it - you have to read one more time! :roll:

 

[Bustr_Bladr]

Here are some of my best:

Two toothpicks walked on the street and they meet the needle and one toothpick says another:
-Look, it's Robocop! :lol:

There was a little red riding hood and the wolf ate her.

There were two calculators and they meet a computer:
-Look, a nerd! :lol:

Wanna hear the shortest joke?
:? ...
I already told it to you! :lol:

 

[N00byStance]

The shortest joke is "Goal for Poland!" :lol:

 

[Jacek]

The shortest joke is "Goal for Poland!"

rotfl... I understand that joke too much =0

 

[Raiju]

geez im not very good with jokes in english
and i only know dirty ones

this is the only clean i know: "A little chicky who didnt have an ass farted and BOOM"

funny huh? :?

I dont get it :shock:

I know a very cool 1

'Why is the neck of the giraffe that long?
...
...
...
...
...
Because his head is so high... hAHAA Pwnzor!11!eleven1!shift1

now it is i that dont get you

 

[Kimbo]

Wat do u call a wolf wearing things?
a Wear*wolf!

 

[Cold-Voice]

I remember making a joke thread and someone told me to go die... :?

The best joke I can think of is terrible, but it's so bad that it's funny. I remember hearing my little sister tell me it a long, long time ago:

'Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?'
No one replies.
'BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD! HAHA'

I know, it's horrible, but it made me laugh alot.

 

[Kimbo]

yes..makes me luagh..she sounds like me...i like thinkin about dead things..Mmmm

 

[Cold-Voice]

Best jokes are told by comedians though, prefferably the ones on 'Just for Laughs'. I remember one guy (he runs the 'Daily Show', I can't believe I forget his name) was talking about the discovery of North America, and how the Americans got all the beaches, and beautiful country land, while the Canadian ancestors decided to dig a hole in the ice and live there .

 

[Shadowy Crafter]

Alright, I read this joke a while ago. It's quite long so bear with it:

There was this pilot who could never arrive early at the airport. So, one day, he entered in his boss office and said:

-Good morning. Did you wanted to see me?
-Yes. You know you've been arriving late every time since you where hired. That's why you're fired! You're the worst pilot we ever had!
-But, sir, the problem is my watch, sir! It's broken! It gets delayed almost an hour!
-THEN FIX IT! and try not to get late in you're next job. BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED ANYWAY!!!! Today what got delayed was your flight for about 2 HOURS with the pessengers inside. NOW GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!
-Alright, sir, but you'll pay for this.

Some weeks later the ex-pilot called to the airport saying:
-Hey, boss? Remember me? It's the ex-pilot you fired 2 weeks ago for arrivin late. Just calling to say I put a bomb in the flight 542 and it's bout to boom in an hour unless you hire me again.

And the boss answered:
-DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO FIX THAT WATCH??? THE BOMB ALREADY EXPLODED AN HOUR AGO!!!!

 

[iplaystarcraft]

I remember one guy (he runs the 'Daily Show', I can't believe I forget his name)\

John Stewart



and these jokes, i am assuming, can't be racist. (or dirty)

 

[SnakeBite]

oh! i like dirty jokes lol

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The
second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the
first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and
trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding
her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy
laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I
was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It
blew my neighbor's house apart!"



A guy walks into a bar.... OUCH!!

 

[Bustr_Bladr]

Here are more of the best:

-Doctor, doctor, nobody notices me!
-Next, please.

A guy survived a bad car accident with broken leg, arm and teeth. Then the doctor and nurse enter and ask him how is he. He answers that he's good. He offers them some hazelnuts and they took some and eat them and doctor asks him:
-Why do you eat hazelnuts? You don't have teeth.
-Oh, I don't actually eat hazelnuts, I eat chocolate with hazelnuts, but I spit out the hazelnuts.(grose, isn't it?)

 

[olofmoleman]

those last three weren't funny.

-I found this one on the internet.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.

 

[Bustr_Bladr]

Here's another one:

Two babies discuss:
-Baby, are you sleeping?
-No.
-Okay, then give me your milk bottle.
-Leave me alone! I'm sleeping.

 

[Raiju]

none of those were fun :?

 

[Bustr_Bladr]

Here's the best one:

Two guys are talking in the bar:
-Did you know that I was in the mall and I got in the elevator and the fuses have blown and I got stuck in the elevator for 2 hours?
-Hey, I've been in the mall today and when the fuses have blown I got stuck on the up-going stairs.

 

[SnakeBite]

those arn't really v.funny... the best ones are the dirty ones lol.. are we allowed to post em... as long as there not to bad??

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[olofmoleman]

That one was funny. :lol:

 

[Horn]

In Ireland, a familar car crashes into a cemetary.
So far they've found 24 bodies, and are still digging.

 

[Bustr_Bladr]

Nope, NO DIRTY ONES! :evil:

Count Dracula returned from his terror a little drunk. His wife asked:
-Why do you always need to bite drunk people.

 

[Blade.dk2]

A wc3modder keeps using GUI even though he could learn jass which is better :lol: .

No, that's not a good joke cos it's tragic.

 

[Almost_there]

these were told in my old joke thread.

1. Mad Cows

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"

2.Just browsing

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

3.Yo Mama...

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.

4. the moral of this story...

Okay there is this bad ass kid in school and his teacher asks him to tell a story and the moral of the story. so, The bad ass kid (Jimmy) says "phhht fine. My aunt was in the military, She walked into an enemy tower and 9 enemy soldiers came out of what seemed no where." every what in class said "OHH!!! what happened next?" Jimmy responded, "She only had a gun with three bullets, a knife, and a jug of tequila." Every one in class stares amazed, Jimmy continues, "she jumped in the air and shot three people in the head, and stabbed the crap out of the remaining 6. Then she took a big swig of tequila." The teacher asked "Very, Interesting story, whats the Moral?" Jimmy responded, "don't piss off my aunt when she has tequila."

 

[iplaystarcraft]

these were told in my old joke thread.

1. Mad Cows

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"

2.Just browsing

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

these jokes......TOTALLY SUCK! :twisted:

 

[Almost_there]

these were told in my old joke thread.

1. Mad Cows

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"

2.Just browsing

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

Your mean and you for got my other joke :roll:


these jokes......TOTALLY SUCK! :twisted:

 

[Raiju]

youre definately NOT funny

any of you, and that includes me

 

[Almost_there]

Lol Oh come on im funny looking

 

[Raiju]

you funny posting 8)

 

[ben_xuereb]

hopefully the site mods/admins allow the jokes like your mothers so fat ones if not dum dum dum

your mamma is so stupid she sat on the t.v. and wached the couch
YA MUMS SO DUMB SHE CLIMBED OVER A GLASS WALL TO SEE WHAT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE
Ya mamas sooo fat she snapped the branch in your family tree
your mum is so fat when god said let there be light, she moved
your momma so stupid that i said that it was chili out side and she went out with a bowl an spoon
YOUR MAMAS SO FAT WHEN SHE FARTS IT READS 8.0 ON THE RICHTER SCALE
your mama’s so fat it makes you look skininy
yo mamas so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl
ya moma is so fat when she stood on the scales it showed her phone number

yo mummas so fat it took a whole month to dig her grave

ya mumma is so dum she asked how much does the $2 meal cost

your mummas so fat you could put a blanker over her and use her as a water bed

Your Mom is so fat she walked by the tv and i missed three episodes
Your Mom is so fat she is the same height lying down as she is standing up
Your Mom is so fat she bungie-jumped and went straight to hell
Your Mom's so fat, when she rolls over in bed she burns her ass on the light bulb
Your Mom's so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck
Your Mom's so fat, if she wears a green a white sweater, she looks like a football field
Your Mom's so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball
Your Mom's so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved
Your Mom's so fat she's got her own area code
Your Mom's so fat a person tried to drive around her and run out of peterol
Your Mom's so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Your Mom's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Your Mom's so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Your Mom's so fat that she cant tie her own shoes
Your Mom's so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Your Mom's so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Your Mom's so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon

 

[olofmoleman]

- Two morons walk down a street, says one to the other "if you can quess how much cigaretts I have left, then you can have all twelve of them" the other replies "ehm, ten?".

-How can you see if an elephant has been in the fridge?
tracks in the butter...



-How do you put an elephant in to the fridge?
open the door, put the elephant in the fridge, close the door.

-How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
open the door, take the elephant out of the fridge, put the giraffe in the fridge, close the door.



-Why does an elephant where blue socks?
it matches the colour of his eyes.

-Why does an elephant where red socks?
because his blue socks were being washed.

-Why does an elephant where brown socks?
so he won't be noticed when he floats upside down in choclate pudding.

 

[SnakeBite]

riiiiiittttteeeeee.........

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
__________________________________________________
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.

"Hello? Hello?"

Jesus replied, "Who is it?"

"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.

Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"

The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"

 

[Bustr_Bladr]

-Why the animals aren't outside when it's 5'o clock?
-Because elephants train parachuting.
-Why are crocodiles so flat?
-Because they got out at 5'o clock.

 

[Raiju]

i dont understand where do you find the fun in these....

 

[olofmoleman]

Then my friend, you have no sense of humor... LOL

 

[N00byStance]

I find no (tasty) sense of humour in Bustr_Bladr... Raiju you're not alone !

 

[olofmoleman]

well, yeah most jokes by Bustr_Bladr aren't that funny but that last one was kinda funny.

 

[Secret Assasin54321]

Alright here's a jokes for you, (sorry if it's a little long)
There was this kid in 4th grade who was doing poorly in Math. He didn't really care much for the subject and his parents were worried that his son would fail it.
After hearing their neighbor suggest that he go to a Catholic school, the boy's parents decided to send him there.
Months passed and the boy's Math grades shot up from a D to an A. The parents were amazed by their sons Math ability and over dinner decided to ask him why he got so good at Math. His reply was like this, "Well when I saw the guy nailed on a giant Plus (+) sign, I knew they took Math seriously here".

 

[Raiju]

THAT ONE IS FUNNY

see olof? i do have sense of humor

 

[N00byStance]

^^ Yap.

 

[Almost_there]

lol

 

[olofmoleman]

ya, ya, ok.

anyway...
let see if I can come up with some more...

how about this one?
-it's brown and skies down a mountain...
-A skiwi!


or this one
-how does a dumb farmer protect his chicken against the cold weather?
-use double gauze on the fence

 

[PhoenixFeather]

A man is proudly looking at himself in a mirror. He asks his wife if there are many charming and intelligent men in the world. Then she answers: - Well, there's at least one less than you think.

 

[Secret Assasin54321]

Thanks guys, I'll see if I can find any others, that one wasn't origginally mine, my dad told that one to me... I'll try to come up with something...

EDIT: Here's another one...
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one cannibal turns to the other and says,"Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Killer_Mushroom]

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat.

 

[Bustr_Bladr]

Man, that one was grose! :shock:

-Why did the toilet paper rolled dow a hill?
-To get to the bottom.

Get it? Bottom, @$$

 

[Ramza]

Man, that one was grose! :shock:

-Why did the toilet paper rolled dow a hill?
-To get to the bottom.

Get it? Bottom, @$$

-.- ... lol

Whats yellow and when it hits ur eye, u can die.



a train
---------------------------------------
Its brown and it crawls on ur leg



crap with homesickness 8)