Dismiss Notice
60,000 passwords have been reset on July 8, 2019. If you cannot login, read this.

Share jokes here!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Almost_there, Sep 21, 2005.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Almost_there

    Almost_there

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2005
    Messages:
    231
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    Share your funny jokes here, I'll Start out wid 5 jokes

    1. Mad Cows

    Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"
    The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"

    2.Just browsing

    A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

    3.10 Ways to Annoy Cops

    Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

    When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

    Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

    Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

    Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

    Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

    Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

    When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

    Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

    When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"
    (note: sorry if any of you are cops, It's just a joke)

    4.Yo Mama...

    Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.

    5. Actual School Excuse Notes

    These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
    1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

    2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

    3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

    4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

    5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

    6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

    7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

    8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

    9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

    10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

    11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

    12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

    13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

    14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

    15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

    16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

    17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

    18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

    19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

    20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

    21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

    22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

    If any of the jokes in this post are Rude in some way to you just tell me, ill edit them or get rid of them.
    ^.^
     
  2. Shamanruler

    Shamanruler

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2004
    Messages:
    224
    Resources:
    1
    Maps:
    1
    Resources:
    1
    so a seal walks into a club
    ...

    =DDDD
     
  3. Babuu

    Babuu

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2004
    Messages:
    29
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
  4. Almost_there

    Almost_there

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2005
    Messages:
    231
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    Dude! I cant read... whatever that was, it had letters like this ÿâÝ -.- À¾¯ºåá¾
     
  5. Teppana

    Teppana

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2004
    Messages:
    304
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    only good jokes I know, are finnish, translating won't work

    but here's one;

    In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

    When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

    The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

    When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

    This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

    But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes.
     
  6. U.V

    U.V

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2003
    Messages:
    328
    Resources:
    1
    Maps:
    1
    Resources:
    1
    whos up for some long jokes? no1?
    oh well:

    after Jesus had died he went right up the sky into heaven. after he had awakened, and realized that he had died and went to heaven, he decided to clear his head from this whole death experience by taking a stroll in Eden's Garden.

    while he was walking, he noticed an old man who sat on a banch, and that old man was somehow familiar to Jesus.

    hesitating, Jesus had gotten closer to the old man and said to him:
    "excuse me, sir, but were you not a carpenter when you were still down there in the mortal realm?"

    and the old man replyed:
    "oh yes, i was. yeah, i remember.... yeah... a carpenter, yeah i remember."

    and Jesus, just bearly being able to hide his excitement, continiued:
    "...and tell me, did you not had only one, single son during your time among the living?"

    and the man said:
    "ahhh yes! my only son... my o-so-dear son.... yeah, one son, i had... i remeber..."

    Jesus had spread his arms wide, and with a tear of joy in his eye, he called towards the old man:
    "FATHER!!"

    -"PINOKIO!!!"
     
  7. Almost_there

    Almost_there

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2005
    Messages:
    231
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    Hey Blake Aren't these funny? :p
     
  8. Shadowy Crafter

    Shadowy Crafter

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2005
    Messages:
    181
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    yo mama is so fat jokes

    no offense to any mother, or any mom-great-lover son/daughter :p . I found more of these in a Web page. But this was the better ones I chose:

    -Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

    -Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

    -Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says: "To be continued..."

    -Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

    -Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

    -Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

    -Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

    -Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

    -Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
     
  9. tuna69

    tuna69

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2005
    Messages:
    108
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    Why are asians bad at golf?

    A: Because they can't drive. AHAHAHH!!!!!

    BURN!!!!!
     
  10. qwerty

    qwerty

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2004
    Messages:
    695
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    you saying i cant drive?
     
  11. Mecheon

    Mecheon

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2004
    Messages:
    4,975
    Resources:
    10
    Models:
    10
    Resources:
    10
    I would expect no worse a joke from an emo kid

    Go and angst off
     
  12. Almost_there

    Almost_there

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2005
    Messages:
    231
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    PLEASE! DON'T BE JERKS TO EACH OTHER! GOD!!! I'M GOING TO GET ANOTHER THREAD SHUT DOWN IF YOU START FLAMEING EACHOTHER -.- :x SO pleeeeeaaaase be nice :(
     
  13. Teppana

    Teppana

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2004
    Messages:
    304
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    oh, shut up
    this thread is going to be locked anyways, sooner or later.

    and from thing to another!
    I'll tell you guys joke :p
    so;
    Question: what's the humans average need for sleep?
    Answer: 10 minutes more!

    Oh, god I'm funny.
     
  14. tuna69

    tuna69

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2005
    Messages:
    108
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    What do you call a fat asian?

    A: Widescreen Rear-Projection.

    God, that's a classic.
     
  15. Mecheon

    Mecheon

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2004
    Messages:
    4,975
    Resources:
    10
    Models:
    10
    Resources:
    10
    Look, emo. I was implying "STFU NOW N00B"

    I was also implying "YOU'RE A RACIST FECK WHO SHOULD GET SOMETHING SLAMMED INTO HIS HEAD"

    However, I'll rather add a joke

    An emo, a nerd and a sport player were on a plane. The plane was crashing, and they needed to throw things out of the plane. The emo threw a bunch of bad emoy songs out of the plane, saying he had plenty of them at home. The sports player threw a bunch of sporting equipment out of the plane, saying he had plenty of them at home

    The nerd threw the emo out of the plane, saying "We have plenty of them on the 'Net"
     
  16. SeaGull1723

    SeaGull1723

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2004
    Messages:
    1,288
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0
    Lose it. Otherwise, by the one who decrees a jerk:

    1. Jump in a filled bath tub holding a toaster.

    2. Go to your room and do not eat dinner.

    3. Stop touching yourself every single night.

    4. Hit the keyboard with your head and hands till they bleed.

    5. Watch a "pron" movie and write a 10 page essay on the ending.

    In other words, if you think Asian jokes are funny, take my advice. They don't even make sense.
     
  17. Shadowy Crafter

    Shadowy Crafter

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2005
    Messages:
    181
    Resources:
    0
    Resources:
    0

    Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good one, mecheon. Take that, tuna69. Hope you stop that stupid racist attitude. You'll just get warned, banned temporaly and then permanently for that.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.