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Story & Lore Mini-Contests: Remote Building

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Level 17
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I don't see how its an advantage, and that just ruined the whole point of the unofficial starting date. Well that is sad. oh well :(
At least its started :D!!


Also i slightly feel like i've been molested o.o


On a side note. If people have to restart from scratch again doesn't that discount their ability to use their first/best/most enjoyable idea?

Or can they still use that idea/plot line, but instead have to retype the parts already done or redo them to a different style. -
 
Level 3
Joined
May 29, 2012
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IF you mind

If you mind i can help you.....

Making story line and hole story in a game....

IM A story maker i just need some editor to make it more cooler if you mind :)):vw_death:
 
Level 9
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So. Restart.
okay_meme_tf2_version_by_jaymewes-d2y3ud5_normal.jpg

I never knew quests from gods were this hard. A few days ago, I was just strolling in the market when a elderly satyr came to me. A half-man on top, a goat on the bottom, and ram horns in the head. He appeared to be from a recent battle, because fresh wounds was bruised in his body, and one of his horns are broken. He said " Lord Dionysus sends me to give you a quest son of Ares, Alpus has returned. But he is not fully recovered, " He paused. " Yet. " his grave face tells me, even if he is not fully recovered, he will be a lot stronger than the ones I have fought before. Like the time when the Chimaera had almost destroyed half the tiny town of Skyros, which was in the far eastern of Greece. Or the time that Hades sent a hellhound for me just to test my strength and faith. " As you wish " I replied, and unsheathing my sword at the same time . My weapon was a 4 feet long Xiphos, a iron double-edged sword in greek. The satyr bowed at me, and drew a elegant conch from his pocket. He blew it, releasing a vibrating low tone, and moments later, the conch disappeared. He announced " Lord Dionysus knows that you have accepted the quest. Three days from now, demigod, until Alpus fully recovers. May Tyche give blessings to you ". After he that, he ran of outside the market and into the fields. And he left me another message:
Three and a half days left until my death.

Having no idea where to start, I head into Delhpi, where the Pythia, commonly known as the Oracle of Delphi, resides. I burnt a offering to the gods before packing up and start the journey, I prayed silently to Dionysus for guidance and left a scroll in the ashes of the remains saying :

My friends and family whom I left
Do not search for me, for a god gave me a quest
I will return, in three days which is part of the test
If not, here is my little request
Do not mourn, but do not resent
Kill Alpus, and avenge my death


Sweaty, and hot from the morning sun, I finished packing. My caravan was held by my horses, Dyi and Feist, whom was straining from the weight of the load. I stared at my house for one last time, and I remembered that still have a long journey ahead of me. Wiping sweat from my forehead, I climbed the front seat and whipped the reins. The horses obliged. Slowly but surely we went traveled the gravel road heading west. A couple of hours of travelling later, I fell asleep.

My dream started in my house. But uneasy silence surrounds it. As I looked closer to my surroundings, I can see that the apparition was just a steady image. The trees are still, and no wind can be felt. I tried to walk on my dream, but I noticed, I did not walk, but floated to the direction I want to. I was curious why am I floating so I looked down. I saw a transparent bottom half of me, but with no legs. Confused, I stayed calm and thought for a moment. " Yes, that's what it feels like to be a ghost " A voice uttered beside me. I turned and saw Thanatos , beside him was a half-awake man. Thanatos was a buff man with a Greek tunic, holding a bloody black sword, and unlike me, his body was complete, with his legs touching the ground. The other man was a thin man clothed with a toga. His face was babyish, his shaggy hair was uneven and curly, his beard had been shaved, and he was sleep walking away from Thanatos. I tried to bow down, which was quite weird since I have no legs, but Thanatos declared " No formalities in this matter, demigod. Morpheus? " he looked at the guy about to take nap in the bottom of the tree " Sleep later, brother. I want you to take me to Delphi. " he requested, but with his voice it sounded like an order. Morpheus raised his arm and snapped his hands, and the scene shifted, and the next thing I knew, I was in a bird's eye view of Delphi. " Thank you , brother " Thanatos said to Morpheus, which was snoring away in the clouds. " Apologies to my brother, he always doze off - Ah, It doesn't matter, follow me. " he zoomed away from me and into the land, I followed him as fast as I can, and I yelled " Wait up ! ".

Thanatos was sprinting so fast he blurred, and I was about thirty feet away from him. When he stopped, he drifted steadily in a cave entrance. " This, is the entrance of Pythia, where a dangerous creature lurks. " he declared when he noticed I have finally kept pace with him " Python? " I asked. " No. Not that. Something smaller, but don't underestimate it. " He tensed, and I noticed that the dream blinked slightly " Looks like my time is almost up! Anyways, take this " he handed a amulet, a long silver necklace with a golden skull. " Use it when only in great need. And remember, death and sleep is connected, remember that! Death a- " The connection got blurry and the world went black, then a booming voice spoke " Yes! Come fool, and let your blood taint the Delphi, and I shall rise once more! ".

After that I woke up, drenched with sweat. I noticed that my horses have stopped. The great city of prophecy, Delphi was now within my sight.

Shocked and quite confused why my horses stayed on route, I concluded it was a blessing from Dionysus. I sacrificed a part of my wine and prayed to him. My wine turned into the smoke after the chant. While waiting for the guards to open the gate for travelers, I ate breakfast, but like any usually Greek Tradition, I shed some of my meal as an offering to the gods, burning it up with the campfire I made. I gagged a little because of the smoke, but I knew this smelled different to the gods. I destroyed the campfire when the gates opened, leading travelers, traders and me to the great city.

When I entered my brain had a hard time processing the architecture. Columns lined up the road, street lamps are decorated with grape vines, houses and businesses where made out of old lumber, and a wide plaza in the middle of the town, with a statue of Apollo slicing up Python's stomach. I reined my horses with the caravan into a stable and left my caravan's items in a inn. I explored the town, asking questions about the cave of Pythia. They often ignored me but some reacted " Are you mad!? ". Puzzled, I took my map and scanned at landmarks. It stated that the place doesn't exist. Confused and startled, I continued my quest. Asking locals from taverns, to inns and even on prisons. When all hope is lost, a elderly man, told me to get my armor, he introduced that he was a demigod too.

So, I set out with my full gear, with my sword and shield locked into my back. The old local, a Son of Hermes, mentioned that he too, had went into the cave to seek his destiny. He told me it was near the farmlands, and it was once an oracular shrine, Abea, he said, in the western outskirts of Delphi. Thanking him, I ran to the stables and took Dyi, my elegant brown horse and we thrust towards the setting sky. At last, at sun down, we found Abea, the temple of Delphi.

I reined my horse into a broken tree trunk and casually walked into the house. The insides of the house was old and abandoned. Cobwebs and insects lived in this house but even though the visitors were distracting, the decoration of the house was outstanding. A statue of Apollo stood in the middle, decorated with a snake, Python, dying out on his legs. And on the walls and ceilings were the scenes stating the event. But behind the statue, was a young man.

" Lo-Lord Apollo? " I stammered. He took out a harp and played a tune, which was very melodic. " Hmm? Yes. Yes. I usually curse somebody when they enter this house, but no, I will not consider turning you into a mouse. " he rhymed, standing tall and mighty in front of me " Son of Ares, I presume? Hear this, the quest must not resume. " he spoke bitterly, his hands turning white from gripping the harp too much. " Wha-. " I recoiled. I grasped some thoughts for a minute what he meant, " It's the house isn't it? " I replied. " At last! A demigod sees! Not like the other puny beasts! " he cried out happily. " The other one though , the son of the messenger. " I flinched, the old man! " Gave out his last harp to enter."

Uneasy silence followed, after a minute or so, I asked what he wanted, he responded " The water at the river, where naiads rest. Gather a bucket of it, to continue your quest. Janus already told me that he already slowed down time up to one hour, do not fail demigod or the punishment shall be sour." His face told me that he was dead serious, and time was ticking away, I had no choice. I dashed off to my horse, but it was slowed down too by Janus, so I had no choice, took two buckets, and ran as fast as I can.

Unfortunately, the naiads were not affected. From afar, the river seems relaxed, but up close I saw the naiads. They were armed with blue armor in a shape of a wave, and their weapon, a spear, was deadly, as far as I can tell. " Hmm. So Lord Apollo said that you will come demigod. We shall test your strength and valor, and see if you are worthy to get any water from our river. ". " Bring it on " I smiled.

You must be saying, " Wow, that was a cliche ". But this I got to say, naiads were dominating that fight. Because when I taunted them, their spears whistled in the river, my shield barely covering me. Then they charged, about twenty of them armed with tridents, which were wicked sharp and almost cut my armor into half. A naiad, probably their leader, was pumping the river to overflow, as they cannot attack without liquid. She yelled " For Poseidon! ". I tried to get water from the liquid created by the naiad, but the water wont even come in. In desperation, I tried to slice the water, but of course, no avail. I ran away from the river and into the trees, hoping they will give up. " Hah! A foolish plan, demigod! " their forms shifted into waves, and they mixed with the overflowing river, causing a colossal flood. " What now demigod? There are forty minutes left! " she yelled.

Stay calm and think, Don't panic! I scolded myself. With raging torrents under my tree, I observed carefully the water. The water was dark blue, and it's waves were bigger than me. A few minutes later, I have founded the weak spot, but it was hell dangerous. No time to waste! I thought. " Thirty minutes! " a voice from the water said. Here goes nothing. I held my breath and dived into the water. Pressure was ringing my ears and the it was hard to open my eyes. In the battlefield, one must use all five senses, Ares told me a long time ago, unless you want to die. his raspy voice repeated the message over and over again. I heard a subtle movement north of me, so I hacked the water. I felt that I hit something hard, and a few seconds later the water was moving slower that time and I took that chance to resurface.

I spewed more water than a whale. I was unconscious for about a minute after that and was awoken by a nimble finger touching my neck. " You passed, demigod. " the naiad smiled, " And I'll forgive you for whacking my head ". Not sure if she was joking, I had no time to think and I took my bucket, thanked her and the naiads, got the water and ran carefully to the remote temple. I took a risk of looking back and they all waved at me, and they slowly evaporated into the water.

" Nicely done, now throw the water and look what the temple will become. " Apollo rhymed happily. I threw it into the floor, and the temple cleaned itself up. I can see what it's features clearly. Walls, ceilings were newly painted by marigold. The paintings in the ceiling were fresh and new again. I focused my eyes on the center, noticing that the statue was glistening in gold. " You have passed the test. Now continue on your quest. Beyond my statue is a door, where the endless cavern was born. " he pointed at the behind statue. I thanked and bowed down to him. He simply replied by playing a beautiful note, and a second later he was gone. After that the statue was gone, and I saw a huge trapdoor. I opened it, and got into the cavern.

Some minutes later, I have the urge to turn back. From the time I entered, A strange stench had been bugging my nose. I armed my self with my sword and shield was ready for any incoming monsters. My torch, which was secured into the back of my armor, lit the way, but only revealing few of the cave details. It was dark and stalagmites have scattered everywhere, and in rare times, skeletal bodies were found, with rusty weapons and armor connected to them. A hour later, I felt it. The scent went wild , and before I knew it, a monster emerges from the darkness, charging straight at me.

"Minotaur!" I shouted. I parried his horns with my shield, but I had been thrown away into the wall because of its force. He stampeded again towards me, but now I anticipated it. I rolled downwards, thrusting my sword into his body and kicked him with all my might. Roaring in agony, he staggered lightly away from me. I took that as a cue and ran as fast as I can away from him. When I glanced at my shoulder, he was ready to engage me once more. Seconds later I heard the bellowing of the monster. The ground shook as he charged towards me. I drifted my heel to turn around to face the monster. I waited calmly as he inched closer. I saw him sprinting towards me, horns ready to pierce. Okay, keep calm. One, two, three, NOW! I ordered myself. With precise timing I stabbed, rolled and hacked his knee, causing him to outbalance himself and his horns burrowed into the cave walls. I took a deep breath, and I stabbed him, straight into his heart. He roared, but it died out quickly. I took a part of his horn as a prize of war. The corpse disintegrated slowly, into the depths of Tartarus.

I continued my journey, and another hour passed, and I saw it, the center of the cave. Ancient drawings lined the walls and ceilings depicting the images of the rule of the Titans up to the time when Zues pinning down Python with a mountain. While I contemplated the paintings, my attention had been averted because of a scream, further in the corridor. I moved closer and hid in a rock. Stealthily, I hid in a rock and I peeked towards the hallway. The floor was decorated with mosaic tiles, creating a capital Greek omega (Ω) pattern in the dirt. And the people there , was a woman, sitting and gagged with a cloth, and a mortal with a bald head stood before her. His physical body was like a muscular wrestler, and I estimated that his height was about six foot zero, three inches taller than me. He held a knife in his right hand while he revolved around her, chanting.

I sneaked in closer, but this guy was like a hawk. He threw his knife with blinding speed, barely missing me in a centimeter. " Intruders eh? Well, a demigod sacrifice is also appreciated. ". He's unarmed! Now!" I commanded myself. Sprinting, I closed to him in a matter of seconds, and he did not even flinch. I slashed my sword, which he parried with another knife from his belt. He unsheathed another to stab me on my side, but my shield took care of that, and I kicked him in the stomach to lengthen our distances. " Not bad. " he mused. He taunted me, then changed his stance. I assumed he was ready for anything that I would bring, so I only waited. " What's the matter demigod? Too scared? ", he taunted even further. I scanned the surroundings for any possible distractions. Hmm.

I threw my sword, barely even close to him, and he sighed " That's all demigod? ". I walked towards him casually, attempt that took him off guard. I glanced behind him, and my sword was near the ceiling, almost to the stalagmite. " And you think, demigod, I didn't notice? " he muttered. He back stepped, causing the stalagmite to miss. " Too ba- " his voice trailed of when he saw me charging towards him, while at it, I picked up my weapon in the rubble, yelling on top of my lungs " Die! ".

Everything was made by my reflexes. I parried, rolled, slashed, hacked and blocked indefinitely. Few minutes later, I saw him change tactics, switching his knives, revealing only the hilts. He struck but I anticipated it, blocked and stabbing in return, but he didn't leave silently, he held the tip of my blade, disarming me and dashed at me once more. So, I used my shield and my open hand to fight. " Brave act, knave, but let me finish this! " he roared. He used the hilt of the blade, trying to paralyze my veins. When he reached to seize my legs, I swept to counter-attack. He rolled, but only to see my shield knocking him back to the ground. Seeing him staggering, I kicked him on the face, causing him to spit blood to the ground. While he staggered to go back to his feet, I took my sword as quickly as I can and went back to pin him. " Where is Alpus, tell me or I'll cut your throat off " I warned. " Heh. How about no? " he croaked, and kneed me in the chest. I lost gripped on him, giving him time to stagger away from me.

After a few moments after I stood up, he said " Let's see how fast you are, eh? " he charged in a very fast manner but I ducked, and rolled " How did yo- " his sentence was cut short when my sword sliced, leaving him in a dangerous parry. I shoved him into a wall, and he smiled " Bad choice ". He used the wall as a spring and took out the open, throwing 5 knives to me. I dodged the knives but a lucky shot hit me in the shoulder. Surprising pain followed. Poison! I screamed, but no voice left me. " See demigod. You should have been a good boy, you might be as well a lieutenant by now if you joined us. But alas, you chose this fate. " he laughed loudly. I had a hard time concentrating on anything, much less defend myself. I was lying for a few seconds, and then a spark of hope appeared, The amulet! I took my hands into my pockets, and I felt the gold was heating up. I touched it, felt it disintegrate and everything went better. But of course I acted it wasn't. I feigned death. " Ah. Poor boy. " he whistled. He stepped closer. When I felt the time was right, I gripped my sword, and slashed upward. " Wha- " he shouted. Too late, my sword tore his body apart. Blood and guts splattered everywhere. I haven't much time to congratulate myself, and went towards the girl. I took the cloth of her mouth and asked her if she was okay. In reply to my question, she fainted. When her eyes open seconds later, her eyes was filled with gloomy green cloud and stared at me. " I am the Oracle of Delphi, servant of Apollo. Ask , and it will be answered. " she said coldly, her green eyes piercing my soul. I took my courage up and told her, stiffly " What is my destiny? "

24534.jpg


Here's a potato
UPDATE 1 : Going out of town to sleeping.
UPDATE 2 : Dream part finished.
UPDATE 3 : Finished. A Note to whoever judges this : This is a finished entry but story will continue in the next mini-story contest ( assuming it will fit the theme )
UPDATE 4 : Finishing Touches
UPDATE 5 : Few Fixes, Character Count went to 11864
UPDATE 6 : Added more scenes at the fight against the mortal Word/Character Count :2563 Words 13699 Characters
UPDATE 7 : Described Thanatos and Morpheus. Word/Character Count : 2621 words 14014 characters
UPDATE 8 : Noticed the remote house ( temple, actually ) brought little or no attention, so I gave it a little event ( WiP ). Word/Char Count : 3032 words 16212 characters
UPDATE 9 : FINISHED~ Word/Char count : 3290 words 17651 characters
UPDATE 10 : Fixes. Word/Char count :3454 words 18471 characters
Current Story Character/Word Count : 3454 words 18471 characters
( Using this. )
 
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Level 3
Joined
May 29, 2012
Messages
60
Heres my story :)) not good enough its all about LEGENDS (unknown)

<This is it> Date:Saturday October 27 , 2012

(sorry dont know how to make WIP)


The short story of "The Goddess Slaying rapier" 1/4 chapter....

The mysterious Story of Ralak-Mudan forest.

War is every where , blood , skulls , and other human parts are scattered any where in the land , BUT there is a Wise guy.

He promise to live without enemy.....

Every day he came out from his house to sniff some good and fresh air.
then suddenly....

He saw a huge light that connects to the sky, he came closer....
then suddenly....

He saw a lightened sword but he didn't touch this sword because he is not sure about it.

Night time.

the temple of Maimperium. Have lot of evil forces (the greece world didnt discover darkness and arcanes) Then vArathanus the King of evil devils send a evil forces to gather the mighty Sword called "Apocaliptus of the light" (The lighten blade).

Apocaliptus of the light is design to kill Dark and evil forces EVEN GODS.
everytime the evil servants touch on it it will banish and absorbed by the Apocaliptus of the light.... But the time runs out apocaliptus of the light is getting full...

Day time....

The wise guy check it again but its more lot scarier and looks power full.
But he tooks it AND NOW HE BECAME THE GOD OF "SALVATION" he can kill
ALL of his opponent in one smite of Apocaliptus of the light.

After 25 weeks.....

The wise guy is banish and it gone for good....
Or is it?....
 
Level 28
Joined
Oct 28, 2011
Messages
4,759
On a side note. If people have to restart from scratch again doesn't that discount their ability to use their first/best/most enjoyable idea?

So damn, i'd been writing my story on a notebook.

I don't like to join anymore, what a waste of time.


You should at least tell us about that on the first place, you'd been watching the contest kael. You saw us submit our wips, but you didn't even bother telling us to stop.

What a organize contest this is.

EDIT:(I just need a answer)

Okay Kael, how come that we got a advantage? I can only see that we have a slight advantage on time, but that is it. How come that Time>Effort, OUR time, and ideas? Eh?

Please just enlighten me and Elaborate the word "Advantage" on this one because I can't imagine that our effort and time will be gone for such a silly thing.

I just need a clearer explanation than saying we got a advantage. It can't be our fault because the host allowed us.
 
Last edited:
Level 1
Joined
Oct 20, 2012
Messages
109
I agree! I just tried to make the story or should I say my entry to be the best I can do but now... my effort turns out to nothing... To be honest, Im not good at grammars. I've just researched many words just for this story and now what!? This is not an advantage to us but a disadvantage and a waste of time.:thumbs_down:
 
Your advantage is linked to the fact that Bramble had started the contest even though it never was approved. Pharaoh_ told me last night that he had never even approved of the theme, just of Bramble suggesting the next theme.
An "unofficial" contest start means nothing and that is something you should know, contests have always been approved by a moderator before kicking off.
Your slight advantage is that you've actually started before the contest was even approved, so other people who now know of this contest will have less time than you.
Me telling you to start from scratch does not mean that you have to find a whole new idea as well, just re-write the story. However, seeing how this has become rather complicated and out of hand, plus you guys seem to be really pissed about your small WIPs, I'll let you continue where you had stopped.
But please, next time, do not come up with the idea of "unofficially" starting a contest.

Note: Pharaoh_ wants to change the judging criteria, so don't be surprised if it gets changed all of a sudden.
 
Level 1
Joined
Oct 20, 2012
Messages
109
Your advantage is linked to the fact that Bramble had started the contest even though it never was approved. Pharaoh_ told me last night that he had never even approved of the theme, just of Bramble suggesting the next theme.
An "unofficial" contest start means nothing and that is something you should know, contests have always been approved by a moderator before kicking off.
Your slight advantage is that you've actually started before the contest was even approved, so other people who now know of this contest will have less time than you.
Me telling you to start from scratch does not mean that you have to find a whole new idea as well, just re-write the story. However, seeing how this has become rather complicated and out of hand, plus you guys seem to be really pissed about your small WIPs, I'll let you continue where you had stopped.
But please, next time, do not come up with the idea of "unofficially" starting a contest.

Note: Pharaoh_ wants to change the judging criteria, so don't be surprised if it gets changed all of a sudden.

Thanks for letting us continuing our WiPs! I'll promise not to start a story without the starting date.
 
Level 9
Joined
Dec 21, 2011
Messages
332
Your advantage is linked to the fact that Bramble had started the contest even though it never was approved. Pharaoh_ told me last night that he had never even approved of the theme, just of Bramble suggesting the next theme.
An "unofficial" contest start means nothing and that is something you should know, contests have always been approved by a moderator before kicking off.
Your slight advantage is that you've actually started before the contest was even approved, so other people who now know of this contest will have less time than you.
Me telling you to start from scratch does not mean that you have to find a whole new idea as well, just re-write the story. However, seeing how this has become rather complicated and out of hand, plus you guys seem to be really pissed about your small WIPs, I'll let you continue where you had stopped.
But please, next time, do not come up with the idea of "unofficially" starting a contest.

Note: Pharaoh_ wants to change the judging criteria, so don't be surprised if it gets changed all of a sudden.

Aww. I already started another one. Thanks for informing though.

Off-Topic : Pharoah_ is back? Awesome~
 
Level 28
Joined
Oct 28, 2011
Messages
4,759
However, seeing how this has become rather complicated and out of hand, plus you guys seem to be really pissed about your small WIPs, I'll let you continue where you had stopped.
But please, next time, do not come up with the idea of "unofficially" starting a contest.

Thank you for the consideration, the contest just got a big confusion when the host allowed us to start.
 
Level 17
Joined
Apr 3, 2010
Messages
1,101
Pharoh is back yey, also i never said this was approved in any form. Only that i was given to permission to host this contest - (everything still stays the same with admin etc)

o_O Also sorry i guess unofficially starting the contest for timing issues is a bad idea :(

Ahh well won't ever do it again o.o
<=====Crap host ====<

Feel free to change the judging criteria o_O its kinda of messed up anyway
However if total scoring is changed be sure to change sanctions appropriately :D


On a side note- if you bother to read this, would you mind changing the sticky/thread name to just "Remote building"
"The remote building" sounds strange and also indicates a suggestion that all stories must be based around the same building.


---Just to be pedantic-- Don't have to take this seriously--- XD
On a second side note about semantics surely, if i found about this contest half way through say like a week from now. Surely I am at a disadvantage :O (Yey for being pedantic) I should therefore force you all to let me have more time MUHAHAHA.

But no i get what you mean :D-Since if its not official its not stickied and then people don't see it :(
 
Level 6
Joined
Mar 31, 2012
Messages
169
What constitutes 'mature content'? Sex, excessive gore, warfare, etc.? Or are we referring to itty bitty things like the combat that could go on in WarCraft III or StarCraft? I'm a tad interested, but I'm also extremely confused as to what would define 'mature content' in this setting.

At any rate, this is what I have after a night of writing, but it's at 8,328 characters with spaces and I haven't even begun.

There was always something buzzing in the city of Jasper. Most of its buildings were a bland and repetitive grey, with stiff, chromatic walls and simple doors. The most individuality you'd get out of these structures was a flashing light or a sign mounted over a door - and those were rarely seen at all. The buzzing was not metaphorical; the cityscape was often a nearly-empty, desolate setting that had more in common with a desert than a population centre. Neither was the buzzing particularly noteworthy, for few would ever remark of it. The buzzing of Jasper was quite literal, and had anybody lived there, they would most certainly be unnerved by the constant sound.

Jasper was an idyllic yet remote city husk, constructed by the government, for the government. The average citizen of Rastar knew next to nothing of such "government towns"; they were kept secret for a reason. Often times, the husks were used as testing sites for developmental weapons or other military technology. The operatives would initiate the test, and observe the impact to an urban environment. Thenceforth, modifications would be made to ensure a more desirable reaction. The husks were almost always destroyed, partially or entirely, during these tests. Jasper was indeed a rare case, as not one of its buildings had fallen during the trials of Project Prodigal - a research operation dedicated to finding a way to control and expand Terran psionics better than ever before. It was headed by none other than shadow operative Mathius Tolrim, of the Rastarian military.

Planet Rastar itself is a large world filled with sprawling forests and vast expanses of wastelands, gaslands, and deserts. Its crust is rich with raw resources, but not too many Terran colonies have been seeded upon the world. A population of about four and a half billion Terrans live and breathe on the planet, but given that its size is easily four times the size of their distant homeworld, that is a very small number. Despite their lack of population, though, the ex-Confederate miners and prospectors have grown and prospered into a hardy folk that continue to maintain high military strength despite lacking a hefty amount of trade and commerce. While much of Rastar's government and society mirrored their former Confederate rulers (and what else could truly be expected from a loyalist colony?), free enterprise and mass media had slowly taken over the public channels. That was the thing that most unnerved Jasper's periodic "visitors"; there were no adverts, no billboards, and no commercials.

There was no reminder of the society they knew.

As the dropship flew overhead, followed closely by two others, the passengers couldn't help but notice how much more vacant Jasper looked in the pouring rain. One soldier in particular was rather disgruntled at the urban wasteland he beheld. That soldier was Corporal Rick Wells of the 407th Specialist Infantry, and he agreed wholeheartedly with his superior officer's words during the mission briefing: "If ever there was a more barren, decrepit, hauntingly-empty ghost town, this place is it! They should'a called it Casper, for all the ghosts they must get...."

Rick laughed privately at the thought, mentally replaying Sergeant Vic's rather stereotypical intonation as he glanced about the other passengers. Morale seemed to be as high as it ever was amongst the troops, as they playfully shoved each other this way and that or cracked offensive jokes and took comfort in the taboo. The corporal smirked, knowing he was no different when it came down to it. One thing was certain, though; when the orders were barked, it was all serious business. He might not want to follow every order given to him, but Rick knew when to screw around and when to shape up and shut up. Orders are orders, after all, no matter how far up the chain of command they were. While the sergeant - his superior officer - was still accompanying the 407th in the mission ahead, he wasn't due to arrive for another few hours. Vic always referred to his pre-mission paperwork as "bureaucratic bullshit!" Rick, on the other hand, figured that the sergeant enjoyed it. If something went terribly wrong, and the entire team ended up KIA right after touchdown, he wouldn't be there.

In this case, though, Rick didn't care too much for the thought of a major failure. As corporal, he'd be commanding the squad - not something he felt ready for in the least, but a call to duty he had to answer nonetheless. If his squad failed, it'd be his ass on the chopping block - not Vic's. Rick Wells didn't care for that notion one bit, and as he looked around at the men that surrounded him, he knew he'd never warm up to the idea of losing troops.

Of course, he needn't worry. They were headed out to Jasper as a recon and retrieval detachment. The city husk had been producing some experimental technology based on unlocking psionic potential in Terrans who would otherwise never wield such abilities - pretty heavy science stuff that Rick would probably never fully understand. He understood why such tech was so important, though. It would usher in a new age of Terran warfare, with every member of the military boasting an array of psionic weaponry. The prospects were often gruesome and distasteful to the soldier, who ironically despised warfare against his own race. When he had to count his current kill streak, though...

Rick shook his head, clearing his thoughts and focusing once more on his objectives. Since the city husk went off the grid shortly after the technology started being produced, the response team was quick and well-prepared. Twenty-four Rastarian soldiers, armed to the teeth and loyal to the core, were sent in to retrieve the devices and reestablish a connection with Jasper's installations so production could resume in full. Command had stressed the importance of the technology and had given further instructions that tampering with any of it would be grounds for a court-marshal; Rick didn't need to be told twice. Get in, grab what they can, bring comms back online, and get out. The tasks seemed simple enough.

Corporal Wells couldn't help but feel a sinking feeling as the dropships descended. As simple as the objectives may be, something felt off. There had been no sign of forced entry, resistance, or battle. Did the facilities go rogue? If so, why? Whatever had happened had left negative energy in the air, and Rick was getting hit hard by it. He was one of the last marines out of the ship, and while the squad mobilised and the engines flared, the corporal lifted his suit's visor and tasted dead, stale air.

He looked up at the dropships as they rose to the heavens, and watched them take off, slowly becoming mere dots against the black horizon. The rain continued to batter down against Rick's suit; it was practically deafening. He hadn't observed the sound up until now. The engines of the dropships were always the loudest thing in the military, next to the regular thundering of cannons and guns.

Rick felt suddenly overcome with the urge to swear, to rampage through the barren cityscape and raise a prominent middle finger to the Rastarian flag that hang so high in the cloudy grey sky. He hated the feeling of control that he felt creeping up on him - the resocialisation of the Terran Dominion that the Rastarian neurologists had admittedly done their best to reverse, without success. It had, at one time, erased all that made Rick who he was; now, its fragments often terrorised the soldier during sleep and during combat, making for unhealthy distractions that he just didn't need. Now, they were telling him how to lead his men. Tactical advice from tyrannical leaders is not something the corporal appreciated. With all the pent-up tension, the buzzing of Jasper just bothered him more.

As he collected himself and approached the head of the proverbial pack, mentally preparing his address to the soldiers before him, Rick Wells glared at the chromatic steel-grey walls of the nearest installation. As imposing as they were, what unnerved the soldier was not their verticality; it was the dark secrets they no-doubt held.

It was rare that Rick questioned his government; now, as he felt torn between serving Rastar and getting answers, was one of those rare times.

"Fuck."
 
Last edited:
Level 3
Joined
May 29, 2012
Messages
60
So damn, i'd been writing my story on a notebook.

I don't like to join anymore, what a waste of time.


You should at least tell us about that on the first place, you'd been watching the contest kael. You saw us submit our wips, but you didn't even bother telling us to stop.

What a organize contest this is.

EDIT:(I just need a answer)

Okay Kael, how come that we got a advantage? I can only see that we have a slight advantage on time, but that is it. How come that Time>Effort, OUR time, and ideas? Eh?

Please just enlighten me and Elaborate the word "Advantage" on this one because I can't imagine that our effort and time will be gone for such a silly thing.

I just need a clearer explanation than saying we got a advantage. It can't be our fault because the host allowed us.
YAH YAH you got a point

HOW!!?
 
Level 6
Joined
Mar 31, 2012
Messages
169
It's pretty logical. You're already familiarised with the premise/theme of the contest. Now you can hone your writing skills and write one after having a short exercise already.

However, I don't quite understand what you're bickering about, since:

However, seeing how this has become rather complicated and out of hand, plus you guys seem to be really pissed about your small WIPs, I'll let you continue where you had stopped.

The point is rather moot.
 
Level 19
Joined
Jan 22, 2011
Messages
3,974
I am in, also, i will sumit my lore immediatly


-Master?! are you alright?!-a unknow voice calls, and you open you eyes-were am I?- the people around you slighty get more visible, as the fog in your eyes dissipates, you don´t regonize any one, but you see people in armor and whit weapons that look quite stiff-soldiers-you think, you try too stand up and run but your head gets dizzy at the moment you try it-what should i do? you think

Chapter 1 elections:http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/members/paillan/#vmessage319736
Chapter 2 elections:
http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/members/paillan/#vmessage319739


that are the options. More too come.
 
Last edited:
Level 19
Joined
Jan 22, 2011
Messages
3,974


Darkforge´s story
[tr]

Beginning of the story

First Election

Go whit them

Run away

Unexpected tab 4

Please choose one of the possibilities above
Resume as this was made in my profile. You decide too go whit them, traveled for a good time, arrived a vulcan, whit a ruen slope, the leader called it door, you feel something calling you from inside, should you open the door or resist the call and run?

Second Election

Open the door

Run away

Please choose one of the possibilities above
You use your unknow power too you too open the door, big darkness waits pass it. First soldiers don´t want too enter, but them th leader force them too. After exploring some hours, you see some armor and weapons that look as were made off real darkness, them you feel the same call but much stronger, the leader looks at you and he says he wants you too show him the way, will you help him or will you negate and go alone?
You decide resisting the call, and run away, after some seconds you see that nobody follows you, them you see why, the vulcan land is too big, you will die before leaving it, but you still hear the call, will you try going further or will you use magic too go?




Second Election

Try some magic

Throw ´em something

Please choose one of the possibilities above
Resumed again. You make some runes whit a stick in the ground, make them glow whit unknow powers from you, fight against the leader, as you see you will loose you use your magic too teleport away, you teleport too unknow darkness, and feel a power calling you, will you seach that power or will you try findind and exit off this place?
You decide too throw stones too the soldiers,you stun one off them, and take off his blade and starts attacking the others, you kill some ones, but them the leader does a white magic too revive them, and you see you had been using dark magic all time, will you try too escape teleporting or fight?


[/tab]



This works i think. This crappy thing merges all time!!.. i quit trying this code...
 
Last edited:
Level 17
Joined
Apr 3, 2010
Messages
1,101
I am in, also, i will sumit my lore immediatly


-Master?! are you alright?!-a unknow voice calls, and you open you eyes-were am I?- the people around you slighty get more visible, as the fog in your eyes dissipates, you don´t regonize any one, but you see people in armor and whit weapons that look quite stiff-soldiers-you think, you try too stand up and run but your head gets dizzy at the moment you try it-what should i do? you think

Chapter 1 elections:http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/members/paillan/#vmessage319736
Chapter 2 elections:
http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/members/paillan/#vmessage319739


that are the options. More too come.

This sounds more like a Dungeon and Dragon book. o_O

Also you should change "Election" For choice maybe, also you need to spell check xD


On a side note the problem with this sort of entry although it is unique is that it becomes difficult to judge, as you do not have a proper 1 line or 2 line story. Instead you have a game which resembles something on the lines of Dungeons and Dragons without the dice.

If you want to continue this further I would suggest, at the end of the Game/ To set out a chosen path as an example then have this in one box.

I.E

You hear a call in the wilderness. --You decide to follow it--
Or in universal terms
Part 1 - C 1 -Part 2 -C2 Part 3 -C3
Where a part is the story and C is your decision.


However again this will be difficult for judges to give proper marks to. Especially on continuity.

Or you could use a variable code. So that they pick out a story before hand/a specific line like you have above but then show all the text in one partition at the end. Instead of separate parts.

(Var1)(Var2)(Var3)
=Story

While Selection is like the tree

Choice 1
Op 1
Op 2

Choice 2
Op 1
Op 2
Choice 3
Op 1
Op 2

Each choice and then option giving a different choice then option go with that choice
As if you had just Gone through the game but instead chunked the story at the end
Again this is not advisable as it is difficult to do and time consuming :D

Fun game though !!


Also looked other entries all good, some interesting ideas. I am looking forward to most of them!! :D



Also clarified a few things in the OP
Also in the morning going to ask an Arena mod about something !
Also also also -----

Da Fist your entry is fine character :D just slightly over so no worries. No one is gonna get mad I don't think.

On a side note you should think about rereading it and going through the piece. There are a few grammatical mistakes, such as a "Was" when it should of been a "Had"
Also the Eloquence of the piece could be improved. In some parts it felt a bit like a list, and the range of vocab was small; it was mostly made up of basic language :(
Okay so far though. Lots of room for improvement in further updates though :D
Later on it was better, however there were still phrases like "attached into my"
..... You can't attach something into something ._. - Onto maybe or embedded into maybe--
Also it needs to include a remote building for better clarification of the theme of the story. It seems the only mention of a building is the one he falls asleep in. With barely a sentence on the place. Or maybe i missed something.

Anywhere there is a to do / suggestion list for you :D!
Also the potato is missing its leprechaun :(


Also Pr0nogo in your comment about Mature cotent, but it this way- Vivid description of gore or horrible events are fine.
Such as a vivid description of a Zombie biting of the head of an innocent pedestrian, in the middle of New York, while the sun is shining and clowns are on the street.

However Violent Rape scenes in vivid detail are a no go.
Also what ever you do, this place is not for F""""" erotica novels >_>

For better clarification ask a mod.


To be honest Literature never has had and never will have age ratings. However there are some things people just don't want to be reading about here. We're not that kind of site. :(
 
Last edited:
So, this is gonna be my entry :)


Lucio woke up. His heart was beating very fast. He saw something strange in his dream, but he can't quite understand what it was. He stood up and walked down stairs with a chilly feeling. They have just transferred to this house because of his father's promotion. This house was abandoned and has been sold to them for a really small price for a house of 5 floors, including the basement. The staircase' floor was creaking as he walked. His room was on the 4th floor, next to the old attic. Suddenly there was an eerie sound.


 
Last edited:
Level 1
Joined
Oct 20, 2012
Messages
109


This sounds more like a Dungeon and Dragon book. o_O

Also you should change "Election" For choice maybe, also you need to spell check xD


On a side note the problem with this sort of entry although it is unique is that it becomes difficult to judge, as you do not have a proper 1 line or 2 line story. Instead you have a game which resembles something on the lines of Dungeons and Dragons without the dice.

If you want to continue this further I would suggest, at the end of the Game/ To set out a chosen path as an example then have this in one box.

I.E

You hear a call in the wilderness. --You decide to follow it--
Or in universal terms
Part 1 - C 1 -Part 2 -C2 Part 3 -C3
Where a part is the story and C is your decision.


However again this will be difficult for judges to give proper marks to. Especially on continuity.

Or you could use a variable code. So that they pick out a story before hand/a specific line like you have above but then show all the text in one partition at the end. Instead of separate parts.

(Var1)(Var2)(Var3)
=Story

While Selection is like the tree

Choice 1
Op 1
Op 2

Choice 2
Op 1
Op 2
Choice 3
Op 1
Op 2

Each choice and then option giving a different choice then option go with that choice
As if you had just Gone through the game but instead chunked the story at the end
Again this is not advisable as it is difficult to do and time consuming :D

Fun game though !!


Also looked other entries all good, some interesting ideas. I am looking forward to most of them!! :D



Also clarified a few things in the OP
Also in the morning going to ask an Arena mod about something !
Also also also -----

Da Fist your entry is fine character :D just slightly over so no worries. No one is gonna get mad I don't think.

On a side note you should think about rereading it and going through the piece. There are a few grammatical mistakes, such as a "Was" when it should of been a "Had"
Also the Eloquence of the piece could be improved. In some parts it felt a bit like a list, and the range of vocab was small; it was mostly made up of basic language :(
Okay so far though. Lots of room for improvement in further updates though :D
Later on it was better, however there were still phrases like "attached into my"
..... You can't attach something into something ._. - Onto maybe or embedded into maybe--
Also it needs to include a remote building for better clarification of the theme of the story. It seems the only mention of a building is the one he falls asleep in. With barely a sentence on the place. Or maybe i missed something.

Anywhere there is a to do / suggestion list for you :D!
Also the potato is missing its leprechaun :(


Also Pr0nogo in your comment about Mature cotent, but it this way- Vivid description of gore or horrible events are fine.
Such as a vivid description of a Zombie biting of the head of an innocent pedestrian, in the middle of New York, while the sun is shining and clowns are on the street.

However Violent Rape scenes in vivid detail are a no go.
Also what ever you do, this place is not for F""""" erotica novels >_>

For better clarification ask a mod.


To be honest Literature never has had and never will have age ratings. However there are some things people just don't want to be reading about here. We're not that kind of site. :(

Hey, check my story its in the 1st page of thread! Will apreciate some criticism for improvements.:thumbs_up:
 
Level 9
Joined
Dec 21, 2011
Messages
332
Hey, check my story its in the 1st page of thread! Will apreciate some criticism for improvements.:thumbs_up:

The story has a good insight, but you need to remove some unnecessary " ... "'s and use more scary adjectives like :
creepy , haunting, etc.

Some things to point out :
FinalMix said:
... I heard a mysterious voice warning me and my friends...
My Comment : I recommend : A mysterious voice said " Beware! You are going to see horrible things, like my locker on 6th Grade! ".
FinalMix said:
but me still unsure ...
My comment : Wut.
FinalMix said:
... room is full of corpses and ( the ) stentch of corpses ...
My Comment : Dude, you can see the corpses, of course you will smell it! Tell the reader : They are appeared to be long dead, because their smell is far worse than my room.
FinalMix said:
... after 30 minutes ...
My Comment : I think you have been already adviced about this
FinalMix said:
... inside the Kitchen ...
My Comment : Does This Look Good To You? No, of course it doesn't. Use small letters for common nouns, my friend.
FinalMix said:
... We hided ...
My Comment : Use hid. That is not a word.

That's not all, I can still point many grammar errors, but that is left for you to discover.
Do not let this negative review hinder your writing capabilities, instead, use it as a spring to motivate you even further to enhance your storytelling skills.

Piece of Boosting Advice :
When people throw negative things on you, use it as a positive boost to prove them wrong

-Da Fist-
 
Level 1
Joined
Oct 28, 2012
Messages
5
The Black Cathedral

This is my entry for the competition. I guess what I did is right; the wrapping. If it is incorrect do let me know. Thanks . :)

The stillness of battlefields right before great fights erupted is unbearable. The quiet dread has never failed to instil coldness in the heart of even the mightiest of all warriors. Nevertheless this one particular remote building has more than that; its silence is deafening. Stories about the Black Cathedral had long and still been whispered by the people of Ansid Valley; tales about how the highest bishop of the basilica slain by the scavenging carnivorous fiend from another random underworld. Hitherto, they are whispering. None knows the truth. The ghastly death of the latter is the only explanation since these people knows that there got no other earth-dweller that can kill up to this savagery; the eyeballs are gone; the ribcage is empty, tendon and ligaments are torn apart; ripped like wet paper. For some people who are audacious enough to claim that they have witnessed the Black Cathedral Incident they told stories about how the beast has cold red eyes with black fur, its hunchbacked physique with claws sharper than the bee sting.

Today these seven people are no more for the very next day these fools stood on the rostrum of the Albino Theatre telling their version of fabrication, they are vanished. No tracks left behind. Not even a tiniest blood drop. This very instance of serendipitous occurrence intensifies the fear in the hearts of the people. They neither dare to approach the Black Cathedral nor leave the valley for they know that the muteness of the isolated building is a dreadful song which within it lies a resonant pattern akin to prophecy, a dark music implying that eventually some evil with malevolent intelligence will wake and emerge out from the very deepness of the murky dark void of the Cathedral, consuming every bit of joy and light.

Seven and seventy days the Ansid Valley blanketed with horrible fear. Seven and seventy days the people of the valley spent their nights in dark; no light not even from the dimmest glowing wick of stubby candles; the abovementioned fools were conjecturing theories telling them that the ambiguous monstrosity seeks those who dare to acquire protection from light. With the disappearance of those impudent lots, they are now so consumed with terror but just won’t expire. So singed with the slow fire but just won’t char into ashes. The calamity the monstrosity brought is excruciatingly horrendous yet it won’t kill for it is intelligible enough to this monster that death is the end of all sufferings.

On the seventy-seventh night however, on the night of the Seventh Full Moon everything started to change. Signs that the beast will show itself up are visibly perceptible. The lake became eerily stagnant; the water just will not ripple out waves. Air became still. No wind. It felt like the atmosphere around is solidified with its temperature brusquely declined; it felt like winter is paying a visit to the temperate valley. Some noticed this anomaly; the rest remained ignorant of it for they are so devoured by horror. Nonetheless for those who knows they are waiting for it.

After seven and seventy days Cathedral remained silent the bell rang, audible enough to be heard inside and outside. The terror it brought, the chaos it brought is inconceivable. Afeared peasant and villagers alike are running in fright, seeking protection from the thing that they don’t even know its identity. At precisely nine they heard gallops of stallion and bloodcurdling neighs of horses which continue to linger around. There are those who died in fear; some gone mad whilst for those who remain sane, they kept praying that somewhere, someone will come as a saviour. At precisely ten, the Great Door creaking open, displaying none but the dark Hall which once used to be filled with pious bunch of obedient people seeking guide from their God. Vacant. Empty. The hall is empty, filled with none but nothingness.

And the stories foretold by the silent song are flaunted; every single detail failed to miss. A knight now stood majestically in front of the door, coming out from the Cathedral. Mounting a skeletal horse, this cavalier seems like he had just emerged from an ocean of fire. His plate mail is glowing hot; his mauler is smoking, seems like a freshly hammered one. It is Gadrioth, the spirit confined within the arsenal of armour of Sir Porlack Phenegee the Paladin who maimed the spirit so badly that it can no longer retaliate. He was bounded in feeblest form of any imagining; he was neither gaseous nor liquid, somewhere between. He was punished for the sin of destruction; he won’t repent for the devastations he did. Now that he regained his form after seven deaths by his hand, after seven different bloods from seven man, after seven and seventy days of regaining his form on the Night of Seventh Full Moon. The apocalypse of Ansid Valley had started and he made vow by the Seventh Full Moon, he will bring calamity to the earth, letting none to escape from his judgement of their faith towards the darkness for he serve these people with only two choices; either to kneel or to die.
 
Level 1
Joined
Oct 20, 2012
Messages
109
The story has a good insight, but you need to remove some unnecessary " ... "'s and use more scary adjectives like :
creepy , haunting, etc.

Some things to point out :

Do not let this negative review hinder your writing capabilities, instead, use it as a spring to motivate you even further to enhance your storytelling skills.

Piece of Boosting Advice :
When people throw negative things on you, use it as a positive boost to prove them wrong

-Da Fist-

Thanks! Im not really making the story scary so Im not really using the words "haunt" or "creepy" because its more of a story that has many secrets but sure, i'll try to use those words. LOL, thanks for the boosting advice, +REP!
 
Level 11
Joined
Apr 7, 2012
Messages
742
Okay well this anit much far but a little pondering here and there I got a small wip and I hope there will be more to come if i can, spare the time o enter more here goes;

The bartender looked up and saw Gula’der, he gave him a friendly smile “ah back so soon, I knew you couldn’t resist my ale”.
Gula’der gave a small chuckle “aye Horgrath” and gave him a small smile, “ Well your half right I would have some of that fine ale”.
He gave Gula’der a grin and said “aye, it’ll be right up”.


Told ya,
Not much....for now Muhaahahahhaha
 
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