Short Story Contest #4 - Great War Stories

[dead-man-walking]

Grrggghhh. I'm forfeiting. I hate it when I lost the time just because my laptop gone nuts. I would use the theme on my next writing, though.

 

[TwistedImage]

But you still have like a week and a half! That's plenty to write a 1000-word flash-fiction.

 

[dead-man-walking]

Quality over Quantity. Mind over Matter. You get it.

 

[Midnighters]

Don't forfeit, you have time to do it.

 

[dead-man-walking]

You forgot that I have school to do.

 

[Midnighters]

I also have school, but made a model in 3 days.

 

[dead-man-walking]

Quality over Quantity. Mind over Matter. You get it.

This.

Plus, I've got no motivation. I'll see what I can do, though.

This is the Basic Outline:
1. The Main Character is an old man, retelling a war story (which he is a part of) to children around a campfire. Mind you that they are nomads.
2. After telling the story top the kids, he hurried them to sleep, and head to a *BEEP BEEP SPOILER*

Would it be acceptable?

 

[naitsirk]

But you still have like a week and a half! That's plenty to write a 1000-word flash-fiction.

A Week and a Half!? Thats too little!
5th of June is not in a week and a half! Is it?
Anyways, Midnighters! You forgot to add me;( I feel bretrayed

 

[Midnighters]

I am sorry for those I have not added, if I forgotn you send me a pm.

@DMW: That will be acceptable.

 

[The World Is Flat]

Thats to write your draft, dont make me do issue 59 of the hive tribune.

 

[Midnighters]

Whats that? You are bad mouthing me TWIF? I may deduct your score... jk lol

 

[The World Is Flat]

You arent a judge are you!?!

anyway you ninja posted me.

 

[Fussiler1]

Didn't write something yet 'till 100 words..

But! I have holidays next week. So I'm sure a WIP will be approaching.

 

[idodik]

Instead of jabbering without profit how about criticizing my first WIP? It's about a concept for a project I have.

Revenge of the Frostspawn

Revenge of the Frostspawn

The weather in Northrend was reaching the peak of cold, and the intense wind created one of the harshest blizzards the local human encampment had seen in several years. The Lich King had risen not long ago, and recently captured the encampment, which included many fugitives from the corrupted kingdom of Lordaeron and many Night Elf fugitives from the forest of Felwood that settled amongst them well. He twisted the fugitives’ minds with dark power, corrupting them with power but binding them to his will, just as he had done with Arthas Menethil. When he sat in his new throne in the encampment, deeply in thought about the recent and most sudden change of weather, when he sensed a messenger try to near his lair and be stopped by his guards. He did not know that this was the opening tone to the greatest, most terrible war humanity and the Scourge will have suffered.

The messenger hissed, and did not give up.
“Let me pass! I bring grave, grave news to the Lich King!”
“Go back to your lair, mongrel!” Grunted one of the guards, clearly keen to smash the messenger apart, but Nerzul stopped him. He felt that something terrible will be unleashed upon this coming, and he asked in his deep, evil voice:
“Why have you come to face Nerzul, weakling?”
The messenger shrunk in total fear of him, but managed to wince:
“My lord, a great evil is nearing this encampment! The Frostspawn have come for their revenge!”
“What?!” Bellowed He, suddenly enraged. “That is impossible. I have journeyed to the Frozen Throne through the ruins of Nerub and left no survivor!”
“But that is exactly why they are coming, my Lord!” Wailed the messenger, “you have awakened their ancient fury! Your guard at the Frozen Throne has sent this to ensure this message would not go unheard!”
Nerzul saw that the messenger was holding out a decoration of stone, a piece from his Frozen Throne at Icecrown. His command was for it not to be touched, and if the handle was broken apart from the Throne something evil indeed was happening at Icecrown.
Enraged, Nerzul raised his rune blade, Frostmourne, and slashed the messenger clean in half. He turned to his guards and raised a raging command:
“We must prepare these mortals for battle! Let the Frostspawn be crushed!”

Grak’Ratk, a nerubian broodlord that was busy sleeping in the past tens of thousands of years, suddenly woke when he had felt the Forgotten One stir once again. It had taken him a while to come to and even more time to stretch himself from the deep relaxing, but when he reached its lair and saw that the One was dead he forgot all that immediately. He could not stop the roar of the fury that erupted from him, and that soon awakened the rest of the kingdom:
“The Forgotten One has been murdered! The ancient threshold guardian of the kingdom is slain! Arise, my kin, and avenge this treachery!”

 

[The World Is Flat]

Flow: 65/100

Theme: 100/100

Eloquence: 50/100

Sorry if this is harsh. If you are curious for the reason for any ratings, Ask.

 

[Etzer]

I will start writing tomorrow. I do not have any time today, as i am already writing a story for writing class in school.
It is called Drae'nors fall, and is based off the Warcraft Lore

 

[TwistedImage]

First line: I think "Northrend's cold was reaching its (seasonal if you want) peak."

recently captured the encampment

Lol. He captured a bunch of tents?

corrupting them with power

???

When he sat in his new throne in the encampment

I'm not sure whether or not this is a mistake, but I thought I'd point it out anyway.

“Go back to your lair, mongrel!” Grunted

Try "grunted" without a capitalized G. Dialogue tagged sentences do not count as complete sentences.

but Nerzul stopped him.

Ner'zhul*

He felt that something terrible will be unleashed upon this coming,

I don't really understand what you mean by that, try to clarify. Also, "felt" is past tense whereas "will" is present tense in this context. Stick to one tense, makes it look a lot more professional and doesn't piss off geeks like me.

total fear of him,

I'd replace that "total" with something more powerful, like "deathly" or "mortal."

The messenger shrunk in total fear of him, but managed to wince:

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/wince

Bellowed He

No capitalized B please. Also, don't make this sound like the Bible.

ruins of Nerub

Azjol-Nerub.

Wailed the messenger

You know what to do..

past tens of thousands of years

Weird sentence. Try "millennia." Aside from that, try to make that whole sentence past participle:

Grak’Ratk, a nerubian broodlord who had been sleeping through/during the past millennia, suddenly woke when he had felt the Forgotten One stir once again

Like that.

its lair and saw that the One was dead

"when he HAD reached the Forgotten One's lair and seen that it was slain,"

roar of the fury

Omit that "the."



Criticism aside, seems interesting. Keep up the good work.

 

[idodik]

TwistedImage, thanks for the corrections, and The World Is Flat please explain your rating.
EDIT: Note that I read the bible in Hebrew so I have no idea how it sounds like in English.

 

[The World Is Flat]

Well, your description is lacking exciting vocabuary, and your writing seems fractured, and i found myself confused several times. also you assume we now about the warcraft universe. NEVER do that. Explain everything in your world.

If you want still more description, ask.

 

[Grey Nightmare]

I've lost count of how much competition there is, what are we on 20+?

I still ask the question; If these are so popular why have their only ever been 4!? Two of which that were 3 years ago -.-

EDIT: People do realise there is no BETA-key for this one, right? ¬.¬

 

[TwistedImage]

Nightmare doesn't like competition!1!one!1!

 

[idodik]

They just might, and that is the reason they are here, because they can't do anything that's worth a beta key.
And thanks for the feedback The World Is Flat, I'll try and improve my story.

 

[Grey Nightmare]

Nightmare doesn't like competition!1!one!1!

I really couldn't care less if the whole hive joined in, I was merely pointing out that more short-story contests may be an idea for the future

Quit assuming you know what other people's motives are and think before you post.

 

[TwistedImage]

My sarcasm wasn't obvious enough? -.-

 

[mouseman89]

posting first WIP soon... nearly got 1000 words

 

[TwistedImage]

Small WIP:

WIP

The soldier charged recklessly at me, the ghastly red emblazonment on his breastplate almost glowing in the sunset. I didn't even have to look at the emblazonment to know its appearance by now; a blade stuck through a loop, simple as that. What it meant eludes me still. I parried the swordsman's blow with ease, and retaliated with tenfold strength. He yielded to my might and collapsed limp upon the ground. A vibrant, invigorating force flowed through me when the soldier breathed no more. A jolt of pure energy; his now-unneeded life-force replenished mine.

Souldrinker, they called me, friend and foe alike. They all feared my blade's ability to drain their very essence from their bodies.

A roaring stream of allies suddenly flowed past me. So as to not drown in their battle-shouts, stuck behind the frontline, I charged, sprinted as fast as my legs could carry me into the advancing wave of adversaries. Heaving my great-sword Khrâr at the enemies - or at least in their general direction - I lopped the heads off two of them.

They had me surrounded now. I brandished Khrâr and shouted, "Who's next?" tauntingly. They seemed to back off a bit. Cowards. My allies' shouts were coming closer, they were cutting me loose from this constricting circle of warriors. One of the men behind me yelled some incoherent gibberish in his stupid native language, and every single soldier around me charged at once.

Parrying the first blow, I impaled the first soldier to arrive. The next soon found himself in two pieces. Suddenly, a swarm of little, black things were to be seen on the sky, advancing towards my allies. While I was distracted by this dark swarm, a sword struck me between the shoulders. That sword had been sharpened today, I could tell. It sliced through my flesh, down my spine, hacking me open. Hot blood poured in abundance down from the gouge.

Plan for this part: Widen intro, introduce more characters and a reason for the war - or maybe I should unfold that latter part slowly throughout the story.

Constructive criticism welcome.

 

[mouseman89]

WIP

The Old alliance destroyed, by 1 person. The Lich King had one of his banshees force a Human to attack the Orcs, just to give them a reason to start war anew. Probably because it gave him more troops and weakened enemy forces to invade the living world, though the few who knew his plans this were unsure of his true intentions. So far all was going according to plan… or so the Lich King thought. As Samal’Thazad reported to his master, that all was going well the Lich King smiled for once in many long years…
Before the alliance broke, the humans tried to stop the incoming war by making a treaty. However the Orcs were outraged at the humans for attacking them. The human leaders tried to ask the night elves for support, desperate to stop a war, as they did not want their nation destroyed again, though the night elves remained neutral, unwilling to fight another war by merely trying to stop the war itself…
(MORE STUFF HERE)
Moments before the battle started, the humans and orcs encampments were on the ledges of the valley that would most likely where the battle would take place though as Lord Aindreas thought “you could never be sure with those Orcs…” as the war drums sounded, they hit the human encampment like a tidal wave, Lord Aindreas hastily ordered 5 score of his best knights to flank the enemy, and charge when the horn sounded. The orcs charged down the hill Lord Aindreas waited until they were halfway across the valley then he blew the horn all the knights from the encampment and side charged down the hill leaving the Orcs temporarily stunned. Archers arrows came down, sounding like hundreds of wasps as they were forged that way they fell short only a few found their mark. Lord Aindreas ordered the rest of his men to move up, while at the same time the knights finally made it to the enemy trampling several of them while many more sliced with their deadly blades.

about half of it didnt want to give away my ending right now

 

[TwistedImage]

Write numbers such as one and five properly, please. I'd understand if it was 1942453 - but it's not.

Aside from that, Iunno.

 

[Fussiler1]

Nice story, Twisted! I'm sure you'll beat me, lol.

I brandished Khrâr and shouted, "Who's next?" tauntingly.

Uhm, this is a bit strange. Shouldn't it be.. 'I brandished Khrar and shouted tauntingly;
''Who's next?''

I don't got time right now, but I'll review more later! ^^

 

[Dragonson]

Even though i do not like refering to myself, i reccomend that some of you check out The Unwritten RP Rules.

Even though they generally are rules for Forum RP, they can also come in handy when writing stories, since the two things are more or less the same.

Also:
Once again: I'd read your story twisted, but i wanna' make sure i don't steal anything off of you.

 

[TwistedImage]

Nice story, Twisted! I'm sure you'll beat me, lol.



Uhm, this is a bit strange. Shouldn't it be.. 'I brandished Khrar and shouted tauntingly;
''Who's next?''

I don't got time right now, but I'll review more later! ^^

I don't think so. I'll skim through LotR and see. D:

EDIT: Also, I want to know whether I'm doing on-the-body correctly. That is, am I conveying pain sufficiently?

 

[Dragonson]

LoTR? O.ô
What does that have to do with Grammar? :S

 

[Grey Nightmare]

Your using Lord of The Rings as a reference?

I would advise you don't as some of the language and style is rather dated... (I love LoTR so don't flame ¬.¬) Not to mention you don't want to run the risk of someone claiming you've stolen anything.

Not bad otherwise, not bad at all. Perhaps call them something else rather than 'little black things'?

 

[TwistedImage]

EDIT ^: I'm not using LotR as a reference, I use all the books I own to figure out how I want to write, be it right or wrong (see below). I call them "little black things" because the protagonist has no idea what they are, and I don't want the reader to either. D:

Tolkien doesn't make grammar mistakes like that.

Also, I speak with a burnt tongue automatically sometimes - that is saying something wrong so as to slow the reader down or draw attention to the specific sentence or word. Problem is I seem to do so in the wrong places.

 

[Grey Nightmare]

Ok, fair point - with the books.

As for the 'little black things', it's just a matter of preference, I know my English teacher would literally shoot me (I wish I was kidding ¬.¬) if I wrote that.

Try 'specks' or a 'haze'? Anything.

 

[TwistedImage]

Suddenly, a swarm of little, black specks, merging together into a dark cloud, was to be seen on the sky, advancing towards my allies.

Kk? Don't overdo the criticism fyi, it's a first draft

 

[Grey Nightmare]

You asked for it ^.^

I could give more if you like... Just kidding

Much better, in my opinion.

EDIT: This is optional, works well either way; "Was to be seen upon the horizon".

 

[Herian]

Euh..
I've noticed.. You didn't add me. D:

 

[TwistedImage]

Do the judges deduct from my score if they've no idea what I'm trying to say?

E.g if I replaced "pierce" with "thrill."

 

[Grey Nightmare]

They "Shouldn't" as it's using complicated vocabulary which is good, though to be honest I have no idea what 'thrill' is. I wouldn't over do it, pierce is fine.

 

[TwistedImage]

Thrill is an obsolete spelling of pierce.

I just dislike that exact word in some contexts.

 

[Grey Nightmare]

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/thrill

I wouldn't use it then, they may just think your getting your words mixed up. In which case you may lose marks.

 

[TwistedImage]

I prefer wiktionary, it doesn't have ads and is less messy. ^_^

Oh well, I'll make sure that things are not pierced, but IMPALED. *Evil laugh.*

 

[Grey Nightmare]

That's ok, I just googled it and clicked the first link, too lazy to look for a dictionary ^.^

Impaled sounds good *Insert evil smiley here*.

 

[tjordell]

I'm in =D But still, my english grammar is bad because i'm swedish but ill do my best

EDIT: Ah wtf, I change my mind... I'm out... xD

 

[Grey Nightmare]

How come?

 

[tjordell]

I've watched their spells and theyre not quite good from my part xD

EDIT: WOOPS! Wrong section. I meaned the spells contest. So my reason is that im not quite good at this so then i dont want to waste time on this because i have spells to do at the spell contest

 

[Herian]

EDIT: Noticed I got holidays tomorrow, so I don't have school. Hurray. I can stay.

 

[TwistedImage]

Srs. You couldn't think of something in one day. You have a week and a half to post a 300ish words long WIP.

School until 1 or 2 daytime won't stop you from writing 300 words. You got another 8+ hours. :|

 

[Grey Nightmare]

Ok guys, sorry to hear that

It'll be too easy now (joke, lol)

I'll be lucky to get in the top 5 D:

He may have exams like me, although fair point - I have the time, but I'm on top of most of my work, just not maths... -.-