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My future campaign storyboard - Please give me some feedback!

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My future campaign storyboard - Please give me feedback!

This is the storyboard created for my possible project. Currently the name's probably be "Tales of the Doomed", but I don't like it much, suggestions are welcome. Each Chapter is a scenario.


Act I

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The sun would burn Tiand's sleepy eyes when the bell rang. The school year was over once again. He gave proper goodbye words to his not-so-close friends and, as always, assured contact with the closest ones for some vacation plans. One of his best friends, Rodgar, would head the same way home. Tiand was excited about the vacations, although he would miss the usual companion in the mornings. Rodgar, someway more self-confident than him, would consider dropping the school. To him, the Veracia city, Erylium Island capital, was a pool of boredom. Although it was boring, Veracia was passing through a chaotic situation. People were vanishing with no warning - suddenly they would just disappear, with unfinished tasks and unsaid words, breaking hearts and abandoning houses. That gave place to smugglers take over them, when the government wouldn't do it.
Tiand would see Rodgar and Mia for the lunch that day, so he just dropped by his home, where he'd live with Turinei, his grandpa, to leave his bag and grab some money at his coffer to go lunch with.
"Hi grandpa!" - said Tiand in a good mood.
"Hello, my son."
"How are you?"

"A bit worried, Tiand."
"Why?"
- he couldn't recall many reasons to be worried about.
"I received a letter from Quaiss the Librarian."
"Really?"
- Quaiss was practically an everliving man with organizing paranoia. - "And...what did it say?"
"They restricted my access to it."
"Why did they do that?"
"They said that I was abusing of the Forbidden Library...maybe I agree."
- Tiand didn't know very well that overly curious side of his grandpa's personality. - "There is a book there named 'Maendat's Legacy'. Its content is macabre. Sadly, it really caught my attention... still I don't know if I should believe it."
"Oh..."
- he wondered for a while the old Turinei's interests on this. - "I suppose it's about the king Maendat?"
"Indeed. I've read that he has... well, he has been living for three centuries, keeping a secret which is somewhat hard-telling."
"Huh? What secret?"
- the boy was starting to be worried as well, but about his grandpa's sanity.
"Sounds unlikely but, the book had many riddles. Some I didn't manage to decipher, as that one. Eventhough, believe me, it clearly talks about imaginary creatures with some creepy aspects being carried by an enormous ship. The weirdest thing it said was that above the king, there is a greater entity commanding everything."

Although the fact that his grandpa found it weird was relieving, he couldn't help not making fun of it - "Now that is very imaginative! What must it be? Maybe the fairy king!"
"Sure thing, funny one. So many weird happenings out there! Don't you think something might be happening?!"
"I don't know..." - to avoid being further as rude, he dropped his stubborn behaviour and made an empty suggestion - "Maybe there could be a link between this and the vanishes..."
"I hope not."
"Why?"

Tiand looked at the time. "Sorry grandpa, I'm not having lunch at home today, I've got to go now."
"Don't come late in the night. We got things to clarify..."
Tiand made hurry until Veracia square. On the way he thought a bit, to give what his grandpa said some sense. And it seemed to have a fair amount of truth - something got to be going on.
"Where have you been, Ti, we were waiting for you all this long." - Rodgar said ironically, always making some effort on being the funny man.
"My grandpa got me hanging at the door with some weird conversation..." - said Tiand with an instantly-regretful ignorant tone.
"What was it about?" - said Mia, his classmate as well.
"Do you really wanna know...?!"
"Tell us Tiand!"
"It's a crazy book at the Forbidden Library containing nasty stuff about the king."
"Oh, the Maendat's Legacy. I heard much about it. But never read it."
- Rodgar impressed Tiand for knowing such thing.
"Of course you didn't read it, silly, the Library is Forbidden to keep these things safe from guys like you"
"Good point, Mia."
- said Tiand.
"Okay, I'm hungry, let's get going..."
The three had lunch while discussing common topics and school-life gossip.
"Alright folks, I've gotta go now. My house is a mess, and in the evening it needs to look quite alright. I await you there. Are you going, Tiand?"
"Sure! I'll be there by the evening, then, when I'm back from work."
- confirmed Tiand, excited.
"Mia, you'll help me out, won't you?"
"It's ok."

Since Rodgar lived by himself, holding frequent events like that at his house was not a problem. Tiand found the fact that both Rodgar and Mia would spend the afternoon together somewhat peculiar. He didn't want to comment it for the constraining it could be, but he couldn't help but feeling envious towards the fact the Rodgar at least had someone cool to be with as Mia.
Tiand had now to go to work. He'd work at a horse farm of his grandpa's friend, Aughser. Going on foot, since he had no horse yet, was tiring. At his age, seventeen, working is pretty much a must in Veracia's traditions. No matter what was the work, it would dignify a name.
The old Aughser was a very spirited man. Tiand would have endless conversations with him - they always were rather funny. As soon as the sun would set, he'd head back home.
His grandfather wasn't there. "Probably visited some friend" - thought Tiand. He took a cold shower and changed clothes. About to leave, just to be sure he asked:
"Grandpa?" - he had no response though.
So he left to Rodgar's. The streets were empty and frightening all the way. Already there, he opened the door for Tiand.
"Hey Tiand, how is it going?"
"I'm ok." said him, while entering the living room. He was one of the first ones to be there. He took a seat, a drink, and joined the conversation. Rodgar had his arm around Mia's shoulder. Tiand was talking to Irskin, an old friend who dropped the school years ago, who was now living like a vagabond. Irskin had occupied an abandoned house and claimed as his. As more guests came, Tiand started to feel drunk and drawing attention. He was having a good time, though.
As the time went by, he remembered that his grandfather told him he'd wait him early in the evening. Then he remembered all those things the he said about the book. His grandfather said clearly that he hoped that the book had nothing to do with the vanishes. Why?
Would this mean that the old Turinei would be in a vanishing risk for knowing too much about this forbidden information? When he catched himself, he was heading to the door, going back home. He heard things like "Ti, where are you going?", "What happened?", but his high state made it easier to ignore these voices, blending them into an annoying buzz. At the street his friends gave up on following him. Already arrived at his house, nobody seemed to be there again, late at night. He searched the house for something, or someone. He was then shocked as he found the grandpa's walking stick at his bedroom. There were things thrown all around the ground - broken glass, sheets of paper and other objects. How couldn't he notice before leaving? He started reading everything, and among them, he found a note that said:
"If you are reading this, I am gone to the Dragon Island. I hope we meet again. Or maybe I should not hope so..."
He was gone. The only shelter he had was his grandfather. He had so many different feelings that he couldn't help but crying. If he wasn't so ignorant at this very day, at noon, he'd probably had his grandpa by his side, safe. Now his life was about to change drastically. Between tears and alcohol, he fell asleep.
The other day, before he could make a move, he woke up being practically dragged by a lady across the streets, with his hand tied to hers. She'd carry a small suitcase.

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"I'm sorry for your grandfather, my son."
"Where are you taking me!?"
- He had a bad feeling about that woman.
"Oh, since you have no parents anymore, and not even your grandpa...we decided to help you."
"I don't need any help! Just let me go!"
She didn't answer and not even looked towards him. He tried to convince her to give him some more attention.
"Listen. I work. And now I got a bunch of things to do."
"Ok, listen to me. You should go. There is little I can tell you right now. So just keep quiet if you please."

Now he was walking along with the woman. The curiosity about what they were supposed to tell him later and his strong headache made him start behaving better.
They entered in a big old building. "I may regret deeply for letting myself in." - thought Tiand after getting into this place's notorious atmosphere.
"Now we are here, may I ask you what do you have to tell me?"
He was completely ignored. Up the stairs, he was taken to his room - somewhere quite depressing. The door was closed and no word was said. He was now by himself. His friends had no idea what happened to him, neither what happened to his grandfather. How would they figure it out?
"I don't wanna stay here! What's going on!? I have to work today!" - cried him in vain: ignorance surely was one of the weapons used by these ladies. He stood there crying in despair.
Tiand wondered what was beginning now, and how could things happen this fast.

He had now breakfast at the Orphanage's dining room. The food didn't smell any bad at all. As a matter of fact, it tasted good. No one was sitting near him. A pale blond girl aksed.
"You mind if I take a seat here?"
The girl had a very good appearance, although looking to care less about it. Her eyes were deep and her gaze was vague.
"Go ahead."
"You are new around here, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I am. I was dragged here just the other night..."

Tiand felt like this was a hard-leaving place.
"For how long have you been here?"
"I can't remember...I guess I always lived here..."
"You can't remember?! Is it more than a year? Or months?"
"Perhaps. My past is... foggy... by the way... I'm Engit."
"I'm Tiand, if it matters to anyone here."
complained him.
Tiand felt confused... she looked excentric and mysterious. The fact that she didn't remember anything was scary - and the way she expressed it, calling her past 'foggy' was even more frightening. Was he into a place for mentally sick people?
"Nice to meet you Tiand." - said Engit in response, then looked around and started whispering 'Tiand, Tiand (...) arrived last night...Tiand'.
"What the...?" Tiand couldn't help being nice to that weirdo, in the worst of the moods.
"Oh, Tiand, forgive me, I do this so I won't forget people' names..."

Then the Orphanage mistress came, leaving him no time to wonder what was going on with that lunatic girl.
"You. We need to talk. Follow me." - said her, strictly.
"Bye Tiand! Oh, I almost forgot, beware the wood snakes!!!" - she said, considerably worried about it.
Confused, he waved goodbye to Engit in a niceness compromise and followed the mistress, who made an angry face to Engit about what she said.

She opened a thick door as they walked into a small corridor and then a wooden door led to a big and comfortable study room, full of drawers and archives. By the left wall there was a door taking to a good-looking bedroom. The woman sat down.
"I am Jimelda. You are Tiand, right?" - her words were unexpressive.
"Yeah, I just wanna know if I can leave this place and go to work once and for all."
"I'm afraid you cannot right now, my son...by the way... It is nice to meet you. Your grandfather Turinei vanished recently, didn't he?"
Tiand nodded silently, containing his rage.
"I am sorry for him. He was a great character and will be missed. Did you have the opportunity to talk to him before the happening?"
"I did. But what do you mean when you say 'he will be missed'? He won't ever come back?" - said Tiand as his hopes on encountering his grandpa seemed to be drowning.
"People don't come back from the Dragon Island."
"You know that! Where is that Dragon Island?" - if she knew the Dragon Island, she had many answers to Tiand.
"I'm afraid you heard too much. I'm not on your side, you must know."

"Not on my side? What sides are there, then? I'm no problematic kid, you can trust me." - said him.
"I see you aren't. But you seem thirsty. Let us drink something." - proposed Jimelda.
She picked two glasses and served a kind of a red juice. To one of the glasses she discreetly added some of the white content of a vial with a snake-shaped wooden cork. Tiand heard Engit's words echoing in his mind - Beware the wood snakes - maybe that vial is what he was supposed to be aware. Tiand grabbed the sugar bowl and hid it silently behind a pile of books, in hope of having a moment in which Jimelda's eyes wouldn't rest upon him, but upon something else she should be searching for.
"Oh, where did I leave the sugar..." Jimelda searched on her desk for it and didn't seem to find it. At the smallest break she would give him, Tiand should change the glasses. She stood up, luckily, walking around while Tiand managed to exchange them carefully.
"Oh, here it is..." said Jimelda before adding a few spoons of sugar. Tiand drank all his juice in once. If that cup was supposed to be Jimelda's one, it can't do any harm to him.
She started to wait, just staring at him, waiting, for a while.
"So, where is the Dragon Island? I need to go there."
"Keep quiet."
"Huh...?"
- Tiand didn't understand why he was told to keep quiet. - "I just want to let my friends know I'm here."
"Shh!"
"What's going on?!"

She didn't answer. She just started to drink hers. Now something bad could be about to happen to Jimelda.
"You are strong, youngster."
"Well...I guess so." - said Tiand, as nervous as he could be.
The silence to come was deafening. The boy would sweat while the woman stared at him, as waiting on some event to happen. She would launch her gaze at him just like a spider would wait for the prey to dissolve its insides. Then, surprisingly with some pity, she said:
"I hate to tell you that most of your recent memory has been erased few minutes ago, except for the oldest things." - she stood up, and had now an insanely, out-of-herself saddist mood walking into a bedroom door. - "You represent a lot of trouble. I'd have to kill you, but such a pretty face being wasted like that ... come to my room and please me, so you are of some use to me."
"What the hell did you say?! Jimelda?"
Jimelda stares at him with a pale face of despair.
"Wha...what...did you call me...by my name? How do you remember...my name... What did...I say? ...I can't remember what did I tell you, son!"
Obviously, Jimelda was the one who had their recent memory erased. Tiand started bluffing - "The thing is that...this white vial contains rat poison. I need the entrance keys and room keys to kill the rats in the upper floor and in the yard. Also, I'd need the vial, of course." said Tiand looking at the white snake-shaped vial, hoping the keys location was in her past memory.
"I'm not sure where they are, young man, let me take a look..." said Jimelda while looking in the drawers. "Here are keys. The vial is right here."
"Excellent. And would you tell me where is the Dragon Island?"
"I have no idea, son." - he cursed, and decided to leave discreetly.
Tiand left the study room while Jimelda would wonder her own name.
Now everything would make sense. Engit had such weak memory for drinking the oblivion liquid, most likely. Nevertheless Tiand found very nasty the way Jimelda takes benefit from that. He was about to let this evil thing (...) touch him.
When he was passing by the dining room he saw Engit, playing with food rather than eating. From this angle he could notice how attractive she was. The oblivion vial gave him an evil idea about it which was censored by his respect towards the girl.
He could be free now, Jimelda gave the keys that he needed to get out of that place. Although, the big old room was quite crowded - the orphanage women were talking near to the rusty entrance door while a few orphans were still having breakfast, which they seemed to dislike, poking the meat with a knife just like it was an unknown entity. It wasn't the best time to be discreet and get out. Therefore he sat down on the benches once again, near Engit.
"Just tell me you didn't drink it." - she said, staring steadily at the food.
"The snake-cork vial?"
"You remember! So you didn't! How did you manage to...?"
"I changed the glasses" - interrupted Tiand, with apparent pride and satisfaction in his voice. "I hid the sugar bowl in hope that she was gonna use it. Luckily she began to search it, leaving time for me to change them."
Engit smiled to him. "Oh god. I wish I was that clever. Regrettably, I had mine early in the morning. Right now I'm already back to normal. As time goes by, I'm granting immunity to that liquid." - that image of Engit was in total conflict with the lunatic girl he had met.
"Anyhow...I'd really like to get out of this place very soon." Tiand didn't tell Engit that he had the keys, so he wouldn't compromise about having to rescue her along, in the case it wasn't possible.
"Yeah, so do I. At least now I have someone to talk to. Everyone else here are freaks."
Tiand felt quite flattered. "Oh, I see." - then he said, hilariously - "Well, when I met you, a while ago, I thought you were a freak also."
"Oh my god, you shouldn't have talked to me at that time, I hate you!" - Engit laughed, quite embarassed.
"Ok, I'll pretend I just had the pleasure to meet you now, then!" - said him in a cheaply gallant tone.
"Alright! It was nice to meet you too..." - said Engit ironically - "Now I shall get back to sleep. See you, Tiand."
The fact that Engit was going to sleep worried Tiand. He liked that girl's talk, and she probably knew many things about the Orphanage, what is clearly related to the Dragon Island. To rescue her was now among his plans, and he couldn't be there for an hour longer. As time went by, bigger was the risk of being caught, since someone would notice that the keys were missing. He should do something to avoid this. As soon as Jimelda went back to reality, his freedom condition could become much more unstable. He started wandering around the Orphanage to think about something clever.
The cold marble floor and the wooden ceiling of the corridors would come to be quite scary where the torches weren't lit. He was walking by a room when he heard a child crying very loudly. An orphanage babysitter came there to assist the child and closed the door. As the door was closed, the child's cry was shut. Completely shut.
That gave him a brilliant idea. If the doors can retain the sounds that efficiently, he can lock Jimelda inside that study room, and nobody would hear her. Even less would be heard that old hag when her shouts had two doors to cross - a door to a small corridor, leading only to the study room, and the own study room's door.
He went back to where he was before, with some difficulty. He waited for the area to be clear and locked the study room. Then retreated until the small corridor's door and locked it. Jimelda would probably die of hunger.
Tiand felt just as diabolic and out-of-himself as Jimelda did when giving the potion to him. Vengeance tasted just so sweet right now. It was already noon and they had lunch. He sat with Engit and told about what he did to Jimelda - she got really excited with that fact as Tiand told her he had the keys. Then they talked about the girl's backgrounds. She had never been to a school, although her level of culture didn't seem to be low at all. Her parents died months ago and she moved to the Orphanage. She said that there was a room that would be always closed, on the underground level. Jimelda would go into that room daily. That room was said to be full of information about important things, since the most unexpected place to store information was an Orphanage.
"Jimelda has a lot of knowledge. Or had, if she never gets out of her study room."
"I'd like to have her at our side. But now that we have imprisioned her in her study room, it'll be even harder."
"We should find a way to undo the harm we did to her but keep ourselves safe."

They finished their lunch, and as they went upstairs, Tiand saw that a lady was knocking at Jimelda's door and asking if she was ok. By her face, she didn't get an answer, and that just worried Tiand. That vengeful thoughts were gone and he started feeling afraid of the sitters.
"The fact that the sitters will start to worry about Jimelda frightens me. Someone can break the door open."
"She doesn't remember that you were the one who did this. Just chill."
"Yeah, you're right, I almost forgot about that."

"By the way, I'm really tempted to play around with that oblivion potion."
Tiand laughed - "We'd better save it for a good opportunity."
"I was just kidding." - laughed along Engit. It was rare to see her in that joyful mood.
Tiand left Engit on the second floor and went to the third, which would be his one. They were supposed to have drawing classes then, but Tiand didn't go, feeling paranoid about being caught by the teacher, or some sitter. He just stayed sleeping on his room.

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For the next three days, the Orphanage halls had a chaotic atmosphere. The last happening made the ladies seal the entrance rusty door.
"The door is sealed from the outside. No use for my keys, at all." - Tiand would tell Engit, who didn't care much about it. - "Why didn't we just leave when it was locked..."
The big corridor door leading to Jimelda's study room didn't ever open. The ladies tried all the keys they carried, apparently, and even the gardener attempted bashing the sturdy door, all in vain. Nobody could guess Jimelda's state and even her presence there was doubted. What would be certain was Tiand's guilt and remorse for that deed. He could now be blamed on for a murder, practically. Engit, mostly emotionless, wouldn't say much about it, except for analyzing the situation once in a while. "You don't need to worry about yourself, if you do. Jimelda wouldn't remember even your existance." - would she say. The relation between both was a somewhat shallow friendship, in which they would always struggle to be the one who was right, usually Engit with her cold and deep rationality. They tried once visiting that room Engit said that would be frequently occupied by Jimelda, by Tiand's insisting curious request. They didn't have that specific key, unfortunately. Although, the girl called his attention for a trapdoor on the underground level floor - there was a dark chamber down there with a ladder fading in the dark. The small key was among Tiand's. Engit opened it, threw a little rock in it and realized it was really deep.
"What do you want there, Engit?" - asked Tiand.
She looked at him with an obvious face - "Escape routes, Tiand. Alternative ones can come to be useful now that the door is sealed. But this thing is too deep - and who knows where does it lead."
They went back to their respective rooms and slept all the rest of the day.
In the fourth day of those, the unstable boredom was broken. A government officer with a crimson fine suit entered the Orphanage while Tiand and Engit had lunch. He was tall and broad-shouldered. The officer entered walking straight forward with the chin pointing upwards.
"Hello, my dear lady, I am authorized to do any necessary task in order to find out what has happened to Jimelda Trilamain." - said him to a nervous Orphanage sitter, not looking back while getting in. Tiand and Engit exchanged glances in such a way that the girl felt forced to act somehow. She stopped to think for a very short while. "Give me your keys!" - she mumbled.
"Excuse me, sir." - stood up Engit. - "The day Miss Jimelda vanished I heard steps to the underground floor and..." - the sitter looked towards the young girl with great interest and despisement at the same time.
"I assume I may trust that girl?" - whispered the officer to the babysitter he ignored before. She nodded instinctively, curious and nervous. "Hold that sitter here!" - said Engit only for Tiand to hear.
"Well, I can take you there, shall I?" - Engit was out of herself, in a pompous and childish tone.
"But, sir! Miss Jimelda's study room is right here!"- said the sitter, in hope of usefulness. Nevertheless, the officer interrupted her rightaway - "I'll be right back." - he turned to Engit - "Now lead the way, if you please." The other sitters weren't as confident as Jimelda and they couldn't take over some situations. Tiand approached the sitter and started to talk about Jimelda's vanish, cynically. He was worried for Engit, for she was rather unpredictable.
Engit went downstairs and pointed at the trapdoor. "I saw her going down here, but I was afraid telling the other ladies, for they could punish me."
The man said with some sympathy - "Oh, I bet they wouldn't, young lady." - winking as he'd violate the trapdoor's locker.
"Engit, sir." - said her, trying to sound as naïve as she could.
"That is a beautiful name. It fits the beautiful girl you are." - said the man while opening the door, heavily distracted. - "You don't need to call me sir. My name is Fial." - said him in a gallant way, while already going down the ladder.
"It was nice to meet you Fial. I guess you should pay attention at what you're doing, though." - Engit pushed the ladder and the man fell down into the dark chamber. His scream was the last sound heard as next he probably fainted - or even died - on the deep floor.
Immediately the sitter came running from the upperfloor down the stairs to see what had happened. Tiand was right behind her, and behind himself, some curious kids. As they entered the underground corridor Tiand closed the door to avoid the kids' entrance and locked it. The sitter asked:
"What happened to the...?"
Engit interrupted her - "He fell down into this dungeon...the ladder slipped away..."
"Don't...Don't lie to me, disturbed girl! You just...killed that man!" - she turned around and saw Tiand removing the key from the door. "And you! You...got the keys! You both are responsible for... for Jimelda's vanish!" - the lady was extremely nervous.
Tiand ran towards her and grabbed her neck with his elbow. "I really hate to do this, miss." - he grabbed his snake-corked vial. - "But please, help yourself drinking this."
"HELP!" - she screamed, but it was almost muted by Tiand's grip. He gave Engit the vial and made her drop some into the sitter's mouth. She spit most of it, but the little she ended up drinking seemed to suffice. They should hold her now until the potion had effect. Tiand couldn't be any more nervous than that. He didn't notice when he started crying in fear. He felt fear of himself. They released the woman on the ground, he took her to the rug and left her, sitting there.
"I just killed a man." - said Engit, looking downwards. Words failed Tiand. There couldn't be a convincing consolation to that happening.
"Maybe...he's just...unconscious."
"I KILLED him, Tiand! I had never done anything like that! Since you arrived, everything's been a mess! You just brang trouble to this place!"
Tiand was crying in despair. "I know it!" - he responded, in a dramatic tone - "Everywhere I go, trouble comes with me."
"You're in the very right place. This orphanage is the right home for you. I shall leave soon, but don't go following me."
"Oh, you're leaving? By yourself? And how is that going to happen?" - asked Tiand, ironically.
Then they heard a voice from below - "Help me!" - it was Fial.


To be continued...


Thanks for reading!
 
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That's like 1/1000 of the story. Try to BEGIN a story with no cliches. It's pretty hard. What comes next will differ it from these.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

---
random
EDIT:
This is the storyboard created for my possible project. Currently the name's probably be "Tales of the Doomed", but I don't like it much, suggestions are welcome. Each Chapter is a scenario.

Act I



Chapter I - Prologue


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The sun would burn Tiand's sleepy eyes when the bell rang. The school year was over once again. He gave proper goodbye words to his not-so-close friends and, as always, assured contact with the closest ones for some vacation plans. One of his best friends, Rodgar, would head the same way home. Tiand was excited about the vacations, although he would miss the usual companion in the mornings. Rodgar, someway more self-confident than him, would consider dropping the school. To him, the Veracia city, Erylium Island capital, was a pool of boredom. Although it was boring, Veracia was passing through a chaotic situation. People were vanishing with no warning - suddenly they would just disappear, with unfinished tasks and unsaid words, breaking hearts and abandoning houses. That gave place to smugglers take over them, when the government wouldn't do it.
Tiand would see Rodgar and Mia for the lunch that day, so he just dropped by his home, where he'd live with Turinei, his grandpa, to leave his bag and grab some money at his coffer to go lunch with.
"Hi grandpa!"
"Hello, my son."
"How are you?"

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"A bit worried, Tiand."
"Why?"
"I received a letter from Quaiss the Librarian."
"Really? What did it say?"
"They restricted my access to it."
"Why did they do that?"
"They said that I was abusing of the Forbidden Library...maybe I agree. There is a book there named 'Maendat's Legacy'. Its content is macabre. Sadly, it really caught my attention... still I don't know if I should believe it."
"Oh...about the king Maendat?"
"Indeed. I've read that he has been living for three centuries, keeping a secret which is somewhat hard-telling."
"Huh? What secret?"
"The book had many riddles. Some I didn't manage to decipher, as that one. But it clearly talks about imaginary creatures with some creepy aspects being carried by an enormous ship. The weirdest thing it said was that above the king, there is a greater entity commanding everything."
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"That is very imaginative! What must it be? Maybe the fairy king!"
"Sure thing, funny one. So many weird happenings out there! Don't you think something might be happening?"
"I don't know... maybe there could be a link between this and the vanishes..."
"I hope not."
"Why?"
Tiand looked at the time. "Sorry grandpa, I'm not having lunch at home today, I've got to go now."
"Don't come late in the night. We got things to clarify..."
Tiand made hurry until Veracia square.

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"Where have you been, Ti, we were all waiting for you." - Rodgar said ironically.
"My grandpa got me hanging at the door with some weird conversation..."
"What was it about?"
- said Mia, Tiand's classmate as well.
"Do you really wanna know...?!"
"Tell us Tiand!"
"It's a crazy book at the Forbidden Library containing nasty stuff about the king."
"Oh, the Maendat's Legacy. I heard much about it. But never read it."
- Rodgar impressed Tiand for knowing such thing.
"Of course you didn't read it, silly, the Library is Forbidden to keep these things safe from guys like you"
"Good point, Mia."
- said Tiand.
"Okay, I'm hungry, let's get going..."
The three had lunch while discussing common topics and school-life gossip.
"Alright folks, I've gotta go now. My house is a mess, and in the evening it needs to look quite alright. I await you there. Are you going, Tiand?"
"Sure. I'll be there by the evening, then, when I'm back from work."
"Mia, you'll help me out, won't you?"
"It's ok."

Since Rodgar lived by himself, holding frequent events like that at his house was not a problem. Tiand found the fact that both Rodgar and Mia would spend the afternoon together somewhat peculiar. He didn't want to comment it for the constraining it could be, but he couldn't help but feeling envious towards the fact the Rodgar at least had someone cool to be with as Mia.
Tiand had now to work. He'd work at a horse farm of his grandpa's friend, Aughser. Going on foot, since he had no horse yet, was tiring. At his age, seventeen, working is pretty much a must in Veracia's traditions. No matter what was the work, it would dignify a name.
The old Aughser was a very spirited man. Tiand would have endless conversations with him - they always were rather funny. As soon as the sun would set, he'd head back home.
His grandfather wasn't there. "Probably visited some friend" - thought Tiand. He took a cold shower and changed clothes. About to leave, just to be sure he asked:
"Grandpa?" - he had no response though.
So he left to Rodgar's. The streets were empty and frightening all the way. Already there, he opened the door for Tiand.
"Hey Tiand, how is it going?"
"I'm ok." said him, while entering the living room. He was one of the first ones to be there. He took a seat, a drink, and joined the conversation. Rodgar had his arm around Mia's shoulder. Tiand was talking to Irskin, an old friend who dropped the school years ago, who was now living like a vagabond. Irskin had occupied an abandoned house and claimed as his. As more guests came, Tiand started to feel drunk and drawing attention. He was having a good time, though.
As the time went by, he remembered that his grandfather told him he'd wait him early in the evening. Then he remembered all those things the he said about the book. His grandfather Turinei said clearly that he hoped that the book had nothing to do with the vanishes. Why?
Would this mean that he'd be in a vanishing risk for knowing too much about this forbidden information? When he catched himself, he was heading to the door, going back home. He heard things like "Ti, where are you going?", "What happened?", but his high state made it easier to ignore these voices, blending them into an annoying buzz. At the street his friends gave up on following him. Already arrived at his house, nobody seemed to be there again, late at night. He searched the house for something. He was then shocked as he found the grandpa's walking stick at his bedroom. There were things thrown all around the ground - broken glass, sheets of paper and other objects. He started reading everything, and among them, he found a note that said:
"If you are reading this, I am gone to the Dragon Island. I hope we meet again. Or maybe I should not hope so..."

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He was gone. The only shelter he had was his grandfather. He had so many different feelings that he couldn't help but crying. Now his life was about to change drastically. Between tears and alcohol, he fell asleep.
The other day, before he could make a move, he was about to be taken by a big woman and dragged to a place he would despise all his childhood long: The Orphanage.



Chapter II - The Orphanage

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"I'm sorry for your grandfather, my son."
"Where are you taking me!?"
"Oh, since you have no parents anymore, and not even your grandpa...we decided to help you."
"I don't need any help! Let me go!"
"Ok, listen to me. You should go. There is little I can tell you right now. So just keep quiet."

Now he was walking along with the woman. The curiosity about what they were supposed to tell him later and his strong headache made him start behaving better.
They entered in a big old building. "I may regret deeply for letting myself in." - thought Tiand after getting into this place's notorious atmosphere.
"Now we are here, may I ask you what do you have to tell me?"
He was completely ignored. Up the stairs, he was taken to his room - somewhere quite depressing. The door was closed and no word was said. He was now by himself. His friends had no idea what happened to him, neither what happened to his grandfather. How would they figure it out?
"I don't wanna stay here! What's going on!? I have to work today!" - cried him in vain: ignorance surely was one of the weapons used by these ladies. He stood there crying in despair.

images

He had now breakfast at the Orphanage's dining room. The food didn't smell any bad at all. As a matter of fact, it tasted quite good. No one was sitting near him. A pale blond girl aksed.

317293t.jpg

"You mind if I take a seat here?"
The girl had a very good appearance, although looking to care less about it. Her eyes were deep and her gaze was vague.
"Go ahead."
"You are new around here, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I am. I was dragged here just the other night..."

Tiand felt like this was a hard-leaving place.
"For how long have you been here?"
"I can't remember...I guess I always lived here..."
"You can't remember?! Is it more than a year? Or months?"
"Perhaps. My past is... foggy... by the way... I'm Engit."
"I'm Tiand, if it matters to anyone here."
complained him.
Tiand felt confused... she looked excentric and mysterious. The fact that she didn't remember anything was scary.
"Nice to meet you Tiand." - said Engit in response, then looked around and started whispering 'Tiand, Tiand (...) arrived last night...Tiand'.
"What the...?" Tiand couldn't help being nice in such an odd place and in such a bad mood.
"Oh, Tiand, forgive me, I do this so I won't forget people' names..."

Then the Orphanage mistress came, leaving him no time to wonder what was going on with that lunatic girl.
"You. We need to talk. Follow me." - said her, strictly.
"Bye Tiand! Oh, I almost forgot, beware the wood snakes!!!" - she said, considerably worried about it.
Confused, he waved goodbye to Engit and followed the mistress, who made an angry face to Engit about what she said.
images


They walked into a corridor and then a big and comfortable study room, full of drawers and archives. By the left wall there was a door leading to a good-looking bedroom. The woman sat down.
"I am Jimelda. You are Tiand, right?" - her words were cold.
"Yeah, I just wanna know if I can leave this place and go to work once and for all."
"I'm afraid you cannot right now...by the way... It is nice to meet you. Your grandfather Turinei vanished recently, didn't he?"
Tiand nodded silently, containing his rage.
"I am sorry for him. Did you have the opportunity to talk to him before the happening?"
"I did. Look, I am no problematic kid, I am pretty normal, I have no mental retardations. You mind if I leave?" - said him.
"I see you aren't. But you seem thirsty. Let us drink something." said her in a pompous voice with an annoying tranquility in her words.
She picked two glasses and served a kind of a red juice. To one of the glasses she discreetly added some of the white content of a vial with a snake-shaped wooden cork. Tiand heard Engit's words echoing in his mind - Beware the wood snakes - maybe that vial is what he was supposed to be aware. Tiand grabbed the sugar bowl and hid it silently behind a pile of books, in hope of having a moment in which Jimelda's eyes wouldn't rest upon him, but upon something else she should be searching for.
"Oh, where did I leave the sugar..." Jimelda searched on her desk for it and didn't seem to find it. At the smallest break she would give him, Tiand should change the glasses. She stood up, luckily, walking around while Tiand managed to exchange them carefully.
"Oh, here it is..." said Jimelda before adding a few spoons of sugar. Tiand drank all his juice in once. If that cup was supposed to be Jimelda's one, it can't do any harm to him.
She started to wait.
Jimelda just stared at him, waiting, for a few minutes.
Then, started to drink hers. The silence was deafening. The boy would sweat while the woman stared at him, as waiting on some event to happen. She would launch her gaze at him just like a spider would wait for the prey to dissolve its insides. Then made a demonic smile.
"You Tiand guy, whatever you may know, most of your recent memory has been erased few minutes ago, except for the oldest things." - she had now an insanely saddist mood walking into a bedroom door. - "The best solution to the trouble you may be to us would be killing you right now, but such a pretty face being wasted like that ... come to my room and please me, so you are of some use to me."
"What the hell did you say?! Jimelda?"
Jimelda stares at him with a pale face of despair.
"Wha...what...did you call me...by my name? How do you remember...my name... What did...I say? ...I can't remember what I just said, sir!"
"The thing is that...this white vial contains rat poison. I need the entrance keys and room keys to kill the rats in the upper floor and in the yard. Also, I'd need the vial, of course." said Tiand looking at the white snake-shaped vial, hoping she worked there for long, so she'd remember where the keys should be.
"I'm not sure where they are, sir, let me take a look..." said Jimelda while looking in the drawers. "Here are keys. The vial is right here, sir."
"Excellent."
Tiand left the study room while Jimelda would wonder her own name.
Now everything would make sense. Engit had such weak memory for drinking the oblivion liquid, most likely. Nevertheless Tiand found very nasty the way Jimelda takes benefit from that. He was about to let this evil thing (...) touch him.
When he was passing by the dining room he saw Engit, playing with food rather than eating. From this angle he could notice how attractive she was. The oblivion vial gave him an evil idea about it which was censored by his common sense.
He could be free now, Jimelda gave the keys that he needed to get out of that place. Although, the big old room was quite crowded - the orphanage women were talking near to the rusty entrance door while a few orphans were still having breakfast, which they seemed to dislike, poking the meat with a knife just like it was an unknown entity. It wasn't the best time to be discreet and get out. Therefore he sat down on the benches once again, near Engit.
"Just tell me you didn't drink it." - she said, staring steadily at the food.
"The snake-cork vial?"
"You remember! So you didn't! How did you manage to...?"
"I changed the glasses" - saind Tiand, with apparent pride and satisfaction in his voice. "I hid the sugar bowl in hope that she was gonna use it. Luckily she began to search it, leaving time for me to change them."
Engit smiled to him. "Oh my god. I wish I was that clever. Regrettably, I had mine early in the morning. Right now I'm already back to normal. As time goes by, I'm granting immunity to that liquid."
"Anyhow...I'd really like to get out of this place very soon." Tiand didn't tell Engit that he had the keys, so he wouldn't compromise about having to rescue her along, in the case it wasn't possible.
"Yeah, so do I. At least now I have someone to talk to. Everyone else here are freaks."
Tiand felt quite flattered. "It was nice to meet you, Engit. "
"Nice to meet you, too. Now I shall get back to sleep. See you, Tiand."
The fact that Engit was going to sleep worried Tiand. He couldn't be there for much longer. As time went by, bigger was the risk of being caught, since someone would notice that the keys were missing. He should do something to avoid this. As soon as Jimelda went back to reality, his freedom condition would become much more instable. He started wandering around the Orphanage to think about something clever.
The cold marble floor and the wooden ceiling of the corridors would come to be quite scary where the torches weren't lit. He was walking by a room when he heard a child crying very loudly. An orphanage babysitter came there to assist the child and closed the door. As the door was closed, the child's cry was shut. Completely shut.
That gave him a brilliant idea. If the doors can retain the sounds that efficiently, he can lock Jimelda inside that study room, and nobody would hear her. Even less would be heard that old hag when her shouts had two doors to cross - a door to a small corridor, leading only to the study room, and the own study room's door.
He went back to where he was before, with some difficulty. He waited for the area to be clear and locked the study room. Then retreated until the small corridor's door and locked it. Jimelda would probably die of hunger.
Tiand felt just as diabolic as Jimelda did when giving the potion to him. Vengeance tastes just so sweet. Now he had time to set things up until he left.


To be continued...




Thanks for reading!
 
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Level 8
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Jun 28, 2008
Messages
516
New way to tell a story, with pictures and colored texts and stuff. Makes it easier to read and comprehend. I really don't like the part though where the main character seems to have no emotion. He just see and react to things. Like....

-The schools over and he ain't excited at all.
-His grand-daddy tells him worlds gonna end and he never doubt a single word he says.

Things like these makes me feel like his a supporting characters in a back ground not a main protagonist. But I dunno, that's what I think. +rep
 
Full of cliches (heroic boy needs to save the city and then is kidnapped by the evil woman that likes to torture kids).

But I pretty liked it.
Actually its not a heroic boy which needs to save the city. It's a common boy, with some evil faces, willing to save his own life before any other. Please HFR, do not give me random comments 'supposed to be funny' like your last one - they aren't. It just floods the thread. :wink:


BTW, I updated it.
 
Level 35
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Messages
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HFR said:
Hm... just such a typical storyline, so obviously linear where the hero is pure in heart and would willingly sacrifice himself for those who cannot defend themselves and will give you half his juice because he's just nice like that.

Well, I'm off to get spanked by Madonna for a while now, but I will be back to flood this thread some more!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!

*EXCELSIOR!!!*

Well, that was odd. -.-'

Yeah, I'm loving the idea of the main character being more prone to trying to stay alive, it's much more realistic than dying to defend someone who won't fight back anyway or something like that. Sure, he might decide that something has to be done about things like this happening, but not to the extent that he would jump in front of an arrow to save someone who decides that eventually the enemy will one day run out of anumition, therefore leading to their 'ultimate plan' to make them use as many of these on harmless people such as themselves :p
 

HFR

HFR

Level 22
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Updated, but you didn't added too much.

To not make this a random comment, you should try to make the most fast-paced as possible. As this will be a campaign, people will download this to play it, not to read an huge dialog.
 
Level 8
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Little too much luck for our hero. His grand-daddy tells him that the worlds gonna end and he should prepare for it. The blondy tells him to avoid the poison. Whenever I read your stories, I feel like I'm reading a piece of writing, not a story. It's just cause and effect, I hope I'm not criticizing too hard. Oh, and the hero still feels kinda dull.
 
I find the grandpa's part the most boring. I think I'll reformulate it, so I leave space for investigation.
About the blond girl, she has been so much time taking the oblivion potion, that she started becoming a bit immune to its immediate effect, but her memory was damaged, what will be told to the hero when they talk again.
Well... there are somewheres where luck has to come to a protagonist. You didn't comment about the lucky fact that the mistress stands up in the exact moment Tiand needs. I think I'll make it so that Tiand is the one who causes that. You are right about it.

Your critics are very specific, wether positive or not. They are constructive... you can criticize as harshly as you want, it's your opinion after all. =P

EDIT: Don't forget that many lucky facts will rely on the player's skill, in some kinds of minigames to do it correctly.
 
Level 8
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Messages
179
Hmm. Ideas:
1.) He could regret the vengeance on Jimelda and probably start a friendship with her. (so the psychological part is satisfied. Else people would become mad in such houses :S)

2.) You add a little new characteristic to him (his curiosity) and let him find something mysterious in the orphanage.

3.) You combine both and double the length ^_^
 
Level 10
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Messages
823
I love the colored text; it helps a lot with figuring out the dialogue. What I don't like is the pictures. Most seem randomly thrown in there, and they simply don't fit.
Could you also add hidden tags to the story, please?
Other than that, it's a pretty good story. I'll be sure to keep up with it as it moves along.
 
Actually I find it to short and I don't really like the introduction.

I generally like stuffs like this:

Summer 2014th. Schools closed, families flew to their holidays, hot months where coming.
Tom, one of the pupils who finished the school this summer, was about taking a sleep on the park bank as he woke up, looked around and was confused. The sun was drying hot and drewing red lines on his body, while shadows were small and weak at this stage of day. He checked his clock once, as his stomach began to mumble. He hasn't eat anything for a while so he decided to check the next burger station. As he was taking his stuff he took with, his friend Deve phoned.

"Yes, Tom here?"
"Deve, Hello! I have to talk to you, can you meet me in 1 hour at home?"
"Sure, but what do you want to ta.."
(Phone got hanged up)

"Oh well, what does that mean? Hopefully nothing bad!" - He thought.
(Yes, I wrote that by myself, lol)
 

HFR

HFR

Level 22
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Messages
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I changed a bit my opinion: I think it's strange to start with thrilling adventures right on the beggining. You should start somewhat slow, to explain the history to the players. Remember that great stories, like Lord of the Rings, started with a very slow pace, but they keep getting better and better (of course, it's a 1.200-page book, but you got the point).
 
I changed a bit my opinion: I think it's strange to start with thrilling adventures right on the beggining. You should start somewhat slow, to explain the history to the players. Remember that great stories, like Lord of the Rings, started with a very slow pace, but they keep getting better and better (of course, it's a 1.200-page book, but you got the point).
Thrilling events and riddles will be mostly playable on the campaign, so, I don't think it is an actual problem. =)
Now things are going to get really intense, cos they got a lot of trouble to deal with right now.
 
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Level 10
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Jan 24, 2009
Messages
606
Thoughts, you need more thoughts! Seriously. The Dialogues are fine, and some of the grammar may need some improvement, but these things are only small. You need to have more thoughts, what the character thinks is an important thing of a story. Like when the main char was having a conversation with his grandad he would probably think something like this: Why the hell are we talking about this? it creeps me out, and bla..bla...bla...
The Descriptions are well enough, but I also miss some Emotions. Over all I give it a 2.5/5 for now.
 
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