story progress for epic rpg intentions

[HappyCockroach]

I've been idealizing a project which I want to be artistic in many ways. And the Story is essential. I kept myself thinking it through for a while now, and I have something in mind:

• names are placeholder (some too generic, some possibly definitive)
• english isn't my first language, so vocabulary may be poor.
• this story is a kind of "recycle" of another one i was once making, that didn't turn out as good as i wanted
• it is far from finished, this you'll read is around 1/500 (majority will be playable later on)

Intro

A man in dark clothes walks with hurry across the Elm Street at the Oakbarrow city. The sun is low and soon the evening will fall. He arrives the orphanage which he was heading to, and knocks at the big wooden door.
The matron opens the door for him.

"Yes?"
"I come with official order to take a kid which will be transferred. Tiand Longstrider - does he live here?"
"Oh god..." - the lady expresses hesitation - "he does live here. Come in."

As the official walks in, the matron, highly concerned, tries to avoid the operation.

"If you ask me, Tiand didn't achieve majority yet, he's still 12."
"We know it, my lady. This issue is already in our concern."
"But why make hurry? The boy will be 13 in a couple of months, and if not getting any adoptive parents, leave the orphanage."
"Excuse me, my lady. I come in the name of the king Serommor and his council - these are orders which I'm accomplishing. Now if you please let me see the boy."

Reluctant, the matron leads the way to the official.

"He's probably on the third floor with other kids, at the drawing period. You can follow me..."

They reach the last level of the building and walk until the end of the corridor, where the kids are.

"There." - she waves her hand in Tiand's direction. "The boy is very talented. Other children gather around to see his drawings."
"So it is true." - says the official, not seeming interested on the matron's reaction of confusion.

The man approaches the table where Tiand is, followed then by the matron, and the boy is the last one to notice the official's presence, instead he is deep into his current drawing. Until the official picks up one of the kid's drawings and look at it closer, apparently in shock. The drawing would depict some odd creatures, and that made the official nervous.

"Hey..." - complains Tiand, surprised and at the same time annoyed - "Who are you? I didn't finish that one!"

The man looks around, at the other drawings of his. All of them seem cause the same reaction. He doesn't respond to the child's question.

"What are you drawing?" - asks the official.
"Huh? Is it bad?" - the kid seems confused.
"I'm asking what are those creatures."
The boy immediately shrugs in defensiveness. - "I don't know, I always drew them."

The official doesn't ask again. Then he tells the matron and the assistant to have the boy ready to go in fifteen minutes. - "And he should bring all of his drawings." - Due to the lack of information, the ladies didn't even know how to stand an objection.

And there was Tiand, walking along by the hand with that strange man across the Elm Street. The man, in his other hand, would carry the boy's small suitcase with the few cloth pieces he would possess and his drawings. Tiand was nervous and confused.

"Where are we going?"
The man looked at him. - "It won't take long."

Tiand understood the man didn't want to talk, but couldn't help not asking him.

"What's wrong in my drawings?"
"Nothing." - said the man, quickly.
"So why you don't like them?"
"Precisely for that reason."

The boy was thoughtful. The man's words wouldn't make much sense to him.

"Am I going to live with you?"
"No, you're not."
"So who am I living with?"
"Enough questions, little one."

Tiand was worried. All of this was too sudden, and he wasn't so sure he'd going to see his orphanage friends very soon. 'What now? Set free from that man's strong grasp or keep holding his hand?' The mind chaos he felt kept him from doing anything but resigning and waiting to see where was he being lead.

And they arrived at a building which could be read from the post sign - "Second Department of Information Security". As they got in, an attendant told the official:

"The coachman is at the backyard and waiting for your orders, sir."
"That's good, Thomas." - said the man in return.
Tiand dared to ask: "Are we going far away? I don't want to leave the town!"
"Not much. And not for long."

They got into the coach. The caravan was heading outside the city limits, as realized the boy while they were following a path across dense woods. After a few minutes they arrived a stone building that looked like a small fortress.

A man in black vests was waiting for them at the hall. He got close to them - Tiand had the chills upon realizing the man held a pair of cuffs and instantly attempted to react and escape, in vain - the official's grasp was possibly worse than the cuffs that the boy had now around his wrists. He was in shock and unable to speak, pointlessly trying to run away.

"You should learn to tell lies, Orwen. It makes things easier."
"I'd rather ommit the facts than distort them." - said the official in response, as he would drag the boy with some effort.
"Wh... what are you ommiting me?" - asked the boy with frail voice, and was ignored.

Tiand started to shout mindless things as they took him to a small room and left him there, with a fellow 'prisioner' in cuffs.

<incomplete yet>

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There's not much revealed yet. But that is intentional, since this is the player's perspective and it is important to make it interesting already, even without the 'macro' look.

I will keep editing the thread later. Things will be more fast paced than the intro later on. I plan to illustrate the game with illustrations like those, but maybe made in a tablet, with an according graphic language...

Thanks for reading and let me know what you think

 

[Pharaoh_]

First of all I will begin with some technical notes:

1) I might be wrong here, I know that "hurry" can also be a noun, but I would suggest you used "rush" or "haste" over it, because it is mostly used as an adjective or a verb.

2) "The sun is low and soon the evening will fall."

You could add a more poetic touch, when you are describing images, for example:

"The sun ceased to boast of its majesty, as the evening would soon take its place."

3) "He arrives the orphanage which he was heading to"

"...which he was heading to" is sort of redundant, given that you already describe his intention (he reached the orphanage for a reason).

"He arrives at the orphanage"

4) You could use the image of the evening intercepting the sunlight first in the sentence and then go on with the description of the man, because you are jumping between the images abruptly and then restore the image of the man.

5) The phrasal verb in this case should be "knock on".
A quick look at this link will allow you to understand that "knock at" is used when you describe the activity from the inside (e.g. We were silently watching TV, until someone knocked at the door), but, since you describe the activity of the man, the phrasal verb should be "knock on".

6) Kid is usually a term that attributes a derogatory tint. You could use "child" instead. However, you can leave it as it, if you really want the man to appear unconcerned and insensitive of his request (that would result from a casual procedure).

7) "The boy will be 13 in a couple of months, and if not getting any adoptive parents, leave the orphanage."

Disrupts the meaning, the way you set up the sentence here.

"The boy will be thirteen in a couple of months and if any adoptive parents are not bestowed on him, he will eventually have to leave the orphanage."

You may have noticed, prefer words over numbers.

8) The verb "accomplish" denotes a result and a success. However, the man is still centered in the procedure, so you may want to change that verb to "follow": "These are the orders that I am bound to follow".

9) "Reluctant, the matron leads the way to the official."

The way you use comma after "reluctant" forces it to appear as a name. While it is an adjective that gives additional definition to the matron, you should go like

"The matron, despite his hesitation of such an unexpected visit, showed the way to the official."

10) "not seeming interested on the matron's reaction of confusion."
-> "uninterested in the matron's confusion"

11) "The man approaches the table where Tiand is, followed then by the matron, and the boy is the last one to notice the official's presence, instead he is deep into his current drawing."

"The man approaches the table where Tiand is, escorted by the matron, and the boy is the last one to notice the official's presence, due to his deep devotion in his current drawing."

12) "Until the official picks up one of the kid's drawings and look at it closer, apparently in shock. The drawing would depict some odd creatures, and that made the official nervous."

The sentence begins abruptly; either use a comma before "until" and link them accordingly or rephrase it:

"The focus of the child broke, when the official picked up one of his drawings to take a closer look at. Staring at the child's drawing in pure awe and shock, the official realized that the drawn figures were representations of odd creatures and as a result, he became really nervous."

13) "All of them seem cause the same reaction."

"All of them seem to be causing him the same reaction"

14) "I don't know, I always drew them"

"drew" in past tense mostly denotes an action that was made once. While you want to impute repetition of this action,

"I don't know, I've always been drawing them".

15) "Then he tells the matron and the assistant to have the boy ready to go in fifteen minutes." -> "He then tells the matron". It can also stay like that, but you will have to use a comma: "Then, he tells the matron".

"to get the boy ready"

16) "Due to the lack of information, the ladies didn't even know how to stand an objection."

Stand an objection means that they would suffer someone else's objection. However, since the ladies are the ones that want to object, simply go "didn't even know how to object".

17) "cloth pieces" -> "Clothing pieces" or "Clothes".

18) "What's wrong in my drawings?" - "What's wrong with my drawings?"

19) ""Nothing." - said the man, quickly." -> Quickly is related to time; if you keep "quickly", then you make it as if the man said the word too quickly. However, you want to describe the rush of his thought, so use the adverb "spontaneously" instead.

20) ""So who am I living with?"" - "So who am I going to live with?" (shows intention, instead of the current status of things).

21) "and he wasn't so sure he'd going to see his orphanage friends very soon"

"and he wasn't so sure if he'd be going to see his orphanage friends anytime soon"

22) "What now? Set free from that man's strong grasp or keep holding his hand?"

Use a verb, in between, because you give the impression to the reader that the boy is still chatting with the man: "Now what?", the boy mumbled, "set myself free from this man's strong grasp or keep holding his hand?"

"this man" over "that man", because the man is walking along with him.

23) "The mind chaos he felt kept him from doing anything but resigning"

Mind chaos sounds like a spell, from a game. You had better make use of an alternate phrasing, "A gigantic vortex of thoughts in the child's head, disallowed him from withdrawing"

24) "The coachman is at the backyard and waiting for your orders, sir."

Either go with ""The coachman is at the backyard, waiting for your orders, sir."" or ""The coachman is at the backyard and is waiting for your orders, sir.""

25) I keep wondering if "coach" is the right word, because from the picture, that is a "carriage", which means that "They got into the coach." is wrong.

26) "The caravan was heading outside the city limits"; either go for "The caravan was heading outside of the city's limits" or "The caravan was heading beyond the city's limits"

27) "as realized the boy" -> ",as the boy had realized, ..."

28) "they arrived a stone building" - "they arrived at a stone building"

29) "at the hall" -> "in the hall"

30) "He got close to them" - "He approached them"

31) A typo: 'omit', you used double "m"

32) "Tiand started to shout mindless things as they took him to a small room" - "to shout out emotionally charged thoughts, while he was being dragged to a small room"





The story has much potential and I really like the illustration. I am hoping to see more of it, because, like you said, the info given is too little

 

[HappyCockroach]

First of all I will begin with some technical notes:

(...)

The story has much potential and I really like the illustration. I am hoping to see more of it, because, like you said, the info given is too little

wow! the critics are bigger than the text itself
i really appreciate your technical help!

some of those typos are due to lack of attention but most of them are due to my lack of skill actually

i will correct it later

thanks for giving feedback. this is the intro and it is extra detailed, but i guess that for the general story i'll go more into synthetic explanations, since this isn't supposed to be a book, but a game, and the story was a way to register the information i was keeping in my mind until now...

 

[Pharaoh_]

I still enjoy the illustration, regardless of your goal to turn it into a game. However, since a map is getting into play, I am much more intrigued

When do you estimate your first touches on the map?

 

[HappyCockroach]

I still enjoy the illustration, regardless of your goal to turn it into a game. However, since a map is getting into play, I am much more intrigued

When do you estimate your first touches on the map?

well... this isn't going to be a map, actually. it will be an RPG maker XP project, with a tactical battle system like FFT

the illustrations might come in in cinematics, maybe..

 

[DZerpic]

If you polish them a bit more and give it a basic coloring, I think they'll make really good cinematics! Audio dialogue would be great, but, that's kinda hard to do.

Liking the story, also!

 

[HappyCockroach]

If you polish them a bit more and give it a basic coloring, I think they'll make really good cinematics! Audio dialogue would be great, but, that's kinda hard to do.

Liking the story, also!

yeah, but I might just redraw them with the tablet

changed platform. it might be a nwn2 campaign