[WIP] Fate and Destiny (a campaign story)

[DeftheLynn]

FATE AND DESTINY
HEART OF A DRAGON

Chapter 1, The Unspeakable Truth

I’m Amarant Vengeance (22) ... I’m a member in 4th Division of Crimson Knights ...
I was a dragon hunter before with my brother, Freyr Vengeance (26), but i have decided to join the Crimson Knights when the “Blood War” emerges, me and my brother had a separate ways, he decided to move on as a dragon hunter, for your information, the “Blood War” is a war between elven races, altough elves are intelligence, their greed of resources and homeland is without doubt, so the Blood Elves began to invade the High Elf and the Night Elf race, as for myself, i’m on the High Elf’s side, They were slaughtering their own brothers and sisters like a blind pig, the High Elf’s elders decided to create an army to stop the Blood Elf menace, the Crimson Knights, I’ve seen many of my friends in the Dragon Hunter’s guild joined the Crimson Knights and die with honor to defend their homeland, so then i joined with the Crimson Knights, but my brother didn’t want to take part in this war, also he had a promise to our father that he will search a dragon, and it’s not an ordinary dragon, father said that the dragon’s heart can do anything living beings could do, sometimes, i feel that this is not the right path to choose, to live and die as a knight ...
Suddenly, Gin Howler (28) come to me, he said that he found a dragon when he was at the forest near the Crimson Knights’ castle, he asked me to come with him and hunt the dragon, of course, i feel somehow excited hearing that, i didn’t hunt any dragons for 6 years, so i agreed with him, he said he will wait me at the front gate, Gin Howler, he’s an eccentric man, he’s my first friend when i joined with the Crimson Knights, he raised here, also easy with a woman, but his skills with pike is without doubt, people said he kills 238 men during the first war against Blood Elves. And so the sun down, my eyes close until the next day, after taking a breakfast in main hall, equip my armors, i went to the front gate, and i saw Gin standing by the gate, he said he doesn’t bring any potions, but i don’t have any gold either to buy them, we silenced for a moment, and Gin come up with a plan, he will talk to Aurora Sunstrider (24), the shopkeeper, Aurora is a pretty woman with blonde long hair, I just waited at the Gate, after awhile, Gin come back and bring some green and blue potions, i asked him how to do that, but he just laughed and said that he was flirting Aurora, really, sometimes i was jealous with him, he can talk to woman easily, as for me, i can’t stand just to look their eyes, is this a disease ?
Okay, back to business, me and Gin has reached the Forest, but, i can’t sense any dragons, well, this is a gift, i can sense dragons from afar, so that i was a “key” when i’m still in the Dragon Hunters’ guild, we have searched to the corners of the forest, but still, we haven’t found the dragon we search, so me and Gin decided to go back to the Castle and look for the dragon tomorrow, but, when we near the castle, i sense a dragon’s power, and it’s so strong, i’ve never sense something like this, when we walked, Gin suddenly halt his movement, i asked why, he’s pointing his finger to the castle, i look at it and ..., so unbelieveable, the castle has been attacked by a dragon, and i don’t know the type of that dragon, it has black scale with a glowing mark all over it’s body, i saw the castle being burned by the dragon’s flame, and it’s a blue flame, i’ve never saw any dragons with a blue flame, people were dead, and then someone clapped my shoulder, it’s Aurora !, she take us two into a cave, she said that it will safe here, Gin haven’t talked since we saw the event, i don’t know, maybe because he was raised there, he must be very upset, then i asked Aurora what happened to the castle, she said that commander Janck (51) who has plotted this all along, i was shocked, commander Janck is the 1st Crimson Knights commander, why did he do this ?, Aurora just shake her head, but last time she heard that commander Janck speak to someone in his room, but she doesn’t know who is that, day become night, and we take a rest in that small cave, Gin doesn’t talk anymore, he just sitting above a rock and watch the smoke that smudge out from the castle, i don’t have anything to say to him, so i just say “goodnight” no matter he’s listening or no, and then i fell asleep.
The next day, i woke up, Aurora still sleeping, but, there’s something missing ..., Gin !!!!, where did he go ??, i woke up Aurora and said that Gin is missing, she took her sword, and both of us searching Gin in the forest, but nothing we found, so we decided to go to the castle, thankfully that the dragon isn’t there anymore, but when we’re at the front gate, we heard a conversation, they say “what we’ll gonna do with this man ?, sould we give it to Razorblade ?”, who’s this man, and who’s razorblade ?, some questions that i wanted to find out the answer, i decided to take a peek, while Aurora watching my back just in case if someone sees us, and, It’s Gin !!!, Gin is unconsious, i still can sense his heartbeat, this is the problem, am i going to help Gin and kill those guards ?, but it looks that the guards is from Crimson Knights ...., What is going on here ??!!, why did the Crimson Knights destroy themselves ? the only thing to do to find the answer is, interrogate those guards, without saying a word to Aurora, i ran to Gin’s position, killing those guards except one, Aurora followed me and she try to waking up Gin while i interrogate the guard, i said “who’s the master of this disaster ?!” with my sword pointed on his neck, when he opened his mouth, someone shot him, and it’s commander Janck !, he’s claping his hands and said that i’m the one of the best knights, i asked him why he did this, he just laughed out loud, he said the blood elves will give him the power of a dragon if he destroy the Crimson Knights, so, the dragon that i saw yesterday is ... Commander Janck ??!! yes, he was given the power of a dragon, razorblade ...., and then commander Janck tries to kill me and Aurora, we fought with all powers left inside us, but, there’s no use, he’s even can’t be touched, me and Aurora sit down pessimistly, commander Janck just laughed seeing us, when he wants to slay us both, while he swings his arms into our heads, his hand is suddenly stoped, a woman with white robe shout at us to come with her, we run with our last energy, trying to escape from death, but, how about Gin ??!, i’m sorry Gin, i’m really really sorry .....
After making sure that commander Janck is far away from us, we halted our movement to take a breath, the woman in a white robe speaks that she’s a human, her name is Valeera Sanguinar (??), what is a human doing in an elven land ?, she said that she’s in a quest to search a dragon that it’s heart could do anything, so, father wasn’t lying, it is true, the legends of a dragon’s heart that could do anything ...., she said that i am the chosen one, chosen one ?, what did she meant ?, she asked me to come with her in search for that dragon, well, i have nothing left to protect, so i decided to come with her, but Aurora said that she doesn’t want to see any more violence, she wanted to go somewhere and open a potion shop where she would belong, and then she left us two, i’m kinda worried of her, Valeera then asked me if i know a Dragon Hunter’s guild, so she could find a clue where the legendary dragon lies, yes, i still remeber where it was, i’ts located south from here, a kinda far away, we have to go trough Hydra Swamp and Light Forest to get there, we stay for a night at an inn, the next day, after we’ve prepared, we set sail to hydra swamp, and this time, the real journey begin .....

To Be Continued ......

This story is still WIP
comments appreciated
i am sorry if there any mistake in my english

 

[The World Is Flat]

Review

First thing I'd like to say about your story is that, while originally intriguing, it grew rather predictable quickly.

Your writing changes tense frequently, your word choice is repetitive and rather dull. your use of similes and metaphor is admirable, but in the end rather droll, and it progresses at an accelerated pace, that it loses any absorption into the story world, it feels like your glancing over something, rather than immersed in it.

You also switch actual perspective... you go from third to first person; you simply do not do this. Your parenthesizes for age are annoying, detractive, and they infringe on the story. Your story is also too impersonal, more of a history, to bring in the certain minor personalizations that you do bring in, decides, whether or not you are writing a historical overview or a first person novel-Esq. interpretation.

You introduce new characters with no background, explanation, or interest in who they are or what they do, or even why. You dont offer explanation or make events intriguing, you change pace at random intervals and you introduce events in a very messy and uninteresting manner. It seems like you wrote out thoughts your head without any chronological timeline, explanation, or detail, and most things that go on are blatantly unbelievable or weird, Try to offer more explaination for events, and motivation for characters.

I can link you to a number of resources that will help you out; including my own tutorial which should help you with developing your expressionism, drawing readers in.

http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/...creative-writing-game-design-tutorial-167910/ My tutorial is a nice way to start for beginning writers, but when you finish that, moving on to more advanced topics will help you flesh out your writing more.

Try the topics on sentence structure and characters.

Plot And Foreshadowing
Was your plot intriging? was it well structured, thought out and executed? Was it linear or did it have plot twists? Was it confusing or Straightforward? Did you provide forshadowing for events? How well executed was it? Was it Boring and unoriginal, or did you make somthing fresh happen?
25 Points

Your plot felt like a splitered arrow, not straight enough for comfort, but the twists and turns were not only predictable, but the way they were presented was in a manner that did not enthrall interest. It was confusing, little to no forshadowing was provided, and few fresh events made this story seem droll.
6

Characterization
How well developed were your Characters? Were they well structured, interesting, and balanced? Did they capture the readers imagination? Were they original, or did they follow common archetypes? were they over-dramatized? Did one character have too much influence over the plot? Were the characters underutilized, and have too litte influence? Did you care and/or feel for them? Did your Pair work well together? Did they fit within the framework of your story?
25 Points

Your characters have little to no depth to them at all, and are not described in any remarkable detail.
2

Descriptions
Were your Descriptions eloquently scripted? Did they make sense, and capture the readers imagination, Did you use proper english? Did the descriptions rely on one factor or another? were they repetitive? Is there enough action between descriptions? Do they change from perspective to perspective? Do they change too much or too litte? Were they too heavy, or too light? Did they bog the reader down or continue to advance the story?
25 Points

Your story lacks esentially all description, basic information is provided in poor english, but you will not be judged because english is not your native language.
5

Perspective and Contrast
Did the Perspectives contrast well? Were they portrayed equally? Was the perspective unique, or were they too similar? Did all events happen the same from both perspectives? Did they happen differently? Is the feel of the story the same? Is it different? Too different? Do the perspectives assits Characterization, Description and Plot?
25 Points

Your story switches prespective so often, and even Pov like 3rd and 1st person, that its nightmarishly confusing to read.
3

TOTAL
16

I will perform a full and detailed review later, upon updates, should you choose to perform them, keep it up.

- TWIF