Heroes Tale "A story based on my current Project Map!"

[Binsu]

These stories are compilation of the stories based on my new project "Heroes Tale".

Part 1: Rise of the Evil Forces!

Part 1: Rise of the Evil Forces!

Once there was a realm populated by various races of different shapes and sizes. Peace and tranquility were maintained for many years. Unfortunately, the graceful harmony ended the moment a horde of demons emerged from an enigmatic portal and invaded the realm. The Night Elves, the ancient Gods and Goddesses who safeguard the realm since the beginning, were defeated in battle and suffered the same fate as Humans: being subjected to constant pain and mental torment caused by an unknown force originated from the demons' world. Many lost hope and ceased believing in the eternity of the realm. Upon this darkest hour, an unknown priest stepped forward and spoke "The time of collapse has begun. Our world fragments with each passing day. I understand that right now many of you are doubting the possibility of the restoration of the realm's harmony. Do not falter my friends for those few warriors left will persevere and end this madness for good. Heroes! RISE!"

At that very moment, a small group of demons rallied in the forest, readying themselves to attack the oblivious adventurer known as Angus...

Part 2: The True Fate

Part 2: The True Fate

…There I was in the forest wandering around in search of mysteries as usual when something caught my attention. An old but sturdy house stood before me, a strange sight in these parts of the forest. My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to have a look at the supposedly abandoned house. Upon my entrance, a dwarf suddenly appeared right in front of me, greeting and inviting me to spend the coming night in his house. I refused and said that my original intention was only to check if someone was here or not. The Dwarf seemed to ponder over my words for a moment but then proceeded to give me an offer. After explaining how the forest was dangerous after sunset and that he was too old and weak to fight the predators, the Dwarf said that if I were to help him gather three Magical Stones to refill his supply, he would construct me a powerful Magical Weapon. Fully knowing the artisanship and expertise of the dwarves, I gladly accepted. After some searching, I found some Mining Spots from which I could mine some Magical Stones. The task was finished soon afterward and I returned to the Dwarf’s house with the material. The Dwarf collected the stoned and told me that creating such a strong weapon would take one day. Thus, I chose to spend the night at the Dwarf’s house. My eyes closed as soon as I laid myself down. The hammering sound from the forge continued to echo in the dark knight amidst the noises of various nocturnal animals of the forest.

The next morning I woke up and met with the Dwarf, asking if he had created the weapon as promised. He showed me the weapon, fresh out of his forge. I was amazed by how the weapon radiated with a faint magical light. The Dwarf handed me the weapon whilst asking, “Now that you have such a strong weapon, what is your purpose for making me craft this for you?” I failed to fully understand his question and took it as a joke of some sort but still answered it nonetheless, telling him how I was an adventurer hence my need for the strongest equipments to deal with the dangers I might encounter. The Dwarf said that it was an acceptable answer, yet added that I had a greater purpose for my journey. I thanked him; my internal self dismissed his words as nonsense, and left the house.

As I stepped outside, an old man confronted me and told me that I was the hero destined to save the world from the brutal demon force. I once again dismissed his sayings, intending to speak my thoughts out but as words about to come out, I remembered how the Dwarf spoke about my greater purpose for this adventure from earlier. Something inside my mind had been enlightened. I knew my true fate now! I asked the Old Man about what lied ahead and how I should proceed from now on. The Old Man, eyes brightened with joy, told me that I should be careful with my decisions from now on and that I must first seek out the Goddess. I was bewildered. The Gods and Goddesses known as Night Elves still existed? While I was wandering inside my mind, the Old Man mysteriously vanished, just like how he appeared earlier, leaving me wondering about the whereabouts of this Goddess…

Part 3: The Goddess

Part 3: The Goddess

…I regretted how the Old Man left without leaving a clue on how to find this Goddess. I wandered around the forest for many hours searching for the Goddess. My search then led me to an outpost guarded by Elf Warriors. I somehow felt that the Goddess was inside, which urged me to recklessly enter the outpost. An Elf Warrior blocked my path with his weapon, asking about my intentions. I told them that I wanted to meet the Goddess there. The Elf Warriors looked at each other and nodded, allowing me to proceed inside the place. I knew how their eyes were still tracking my every movement with an intense stare but I chose not to look back. Upon entering the inner chamber, I finally met the Goddess face to face. I was completely stunned by her beauty, a simple perfection indescribable by words. A smile appeared on the Goddess’ face, welcoming me and indicating how she was so happy to see me.

I spoke first, asking her what I should do after I knew I was a destined hero. The Goddess told me to depart this forest and gathered more information on the demons invading the realm. Her elegant, soothing voice stopped abruptly, her pretty face suddenly dimmed with sadness, which prompted me to question her. The Goddess then explained how her strongest guardian, an Ancient Beast, had been corrupted and rendered mindless by the demons’ influence. The beast lurked in the darkness searching for Adventurers capable of facing him in single combat, confident that his fearsome strength would never be bested. The only exit out of the forest was also the place the beast resided and thus it would be impossible to get out of the forest without defeating the beast first. The Goddess’ face was filled with such sadness that it was clear how she had lost all hope and fully believed that the demons would destroy this realm. I decided to comfort her, telling her to stay strong and preserve hope. The Goddess suddenly looked at me with her beautiful eyes, asking: “You are a very interesting one, hero. Your trust prevails even in the darkest of times. What is your name?” I calmly introduced myself to her and told her of my tales up until we met. We then bade each other goodbye and she wished me luck for my journey ahead. I left the Goddess’ place and strode towards the forest’s exit, preparing myself to face the corrupted Guardian that served the foul demons!

Part 4: Von Leo's End...

Part 4: Von Leo's End...

…I silently left the Goddess’ place in search of the corrupted Ancient Beast, Von Leo. I recalled how sorrowful the Goddess was when she spoke of her guardian. It must be horrible to face someone you have trusted for so long on the battlefield. On my way, I fought some imps lurking around the bushes and trees. The feeble demons were slain quickly by my blade. A sinister feeling suddenly surrounded me when I reached the Deeper Part of the Forest. Is it he? Von Leo? I stepped quietly forward and before my eyes stood a gigantic being. A black beast with razor-sharp claws, powerful muscles and a tainted, feral soul that defiled the air around him was in front of me. I moved near him and opened my mouth, attempting to communicate with the, if the Goddess is to be believed, sentient creature “Who are you?” The beast turned his head to face me and spoke with a grin present on his face “My name is of no matter to you…Do you know that you are trespassing on my lair, human?”. “Von Leo?” – I asked the great beast. Hardly had I pronounced his name when Von Leo became consumed with rage and leaped forward at me, his expression fixed on that of a wild grin. I was surprised by the attack but still managed to dodge it by rolling to the left.

- Why are you doing this? – I asked while trying to calm my mind.
- It is of no matter to you. Now die! – Von Leo’s voice was filled with confusion. I could tell that he despised being commanded by those lowly demons.
- Come…I will end your suffering Von Leo. Then I will bring you back to the Goddess – I drew my sword and pointed it at him.

The bloody battle did not last very long. Von Leo fell to the ground after taking a deep cut to the belly.

- No…I will not fail. Let us resume the fight – Von Leo said. His voice filled with exhaustion.
- This fight is pointless…I only plan to bring you to the Goddess, not killing you – I lowered my sword, preparing to sheath it.

Suddenly, I felt an intense pressure. Von Leo also felt uneasy, probably because of that very same pressure.

- You want to fight, Von Leo. Yet it looks like you are on the ropes. How weak and pathetic – A mysterious, demonic voice appeared from nowhere
- No…I can…I can still… – Von Leo tried in vain to stand up. His injury pulled him down once again. Pitiful.
- Speak no more! I grew tired of your words Von Leo. Now face your punishment! – The voice shouted.

As the voice finished its sentence, my mind became overwhelmed by a demonic aura. My vision went black.

Some time later, I awoke from my coma. Von Leo was in front of me, lying down on the ground, motionless. His eyes were firmly closed

- No – I whispered, running to his side – You cannot die now Von Leo!
- The demon…finds no use for me…anymore. I cannot resist his mental attack…too powerful. My time…draws near, hero – Von Leo spoke softly.
- No. I will bring you to the Goddess – I shouted, my arms trying to lift Von Leo’s front paw off the ground.
- Just give me…some time…to rest. I will be…all right. Thank you, heroic one. You freed…me…from mental bondage… – Von Leo drew his last breath then closed his eyes, his soul departed from this realm.
- Von Leo! – I looked at the sky and shouted. All the sorrow inside manifested themselves as a single tear rolling down my face, falling on Von Leo’s forehead.
- Pathetic fool – The voice spoke once more.
- Where are you, demon? I will slay you right now. Come here and fight me! – I furiously looked around.
- Don’t be so arrogant fool. You are but a pawn in our plan. When your part is done, your fate will not be as fortunate as that beast lying there! – The voice was filled with anger.

The demon’s presence then vanished. I was left there alone, my arms still holding on to Von Leo. “I must inform the Goddess of this news” – I spoke to myself. Wiping the blood off my face, I stood up and took my belongings, not before marking the location of Von Leo’s body, and walked back to the Goddess’ place…

Introduction: Angus

Introduction: Angus

A youngster living in a rural village far from the high walls of cities and grand castles, Angus is a true town hero in every sense. Famous for never shying away from quests no matter how risky, Angus is known as a daring, brave warrior among the townsfolks and an idol for the ladies. Angus' sense of wanderlust is, however, much stronger than his sense of heroism; which motivated him to leave his hometown behind and set foot on a great adventure to explore the mysteries of the outside world. Desiring to achieve fame and fortune whilst earning his true place among the legends upon his triumphant return one day, Angus rode away to the unknown lands ahead, completely unaware of what fate had in store for him...

All parts are now remake and all thanks goes to Doomlord! Part 5 coming soon!

 

[neo_sluf]

Nice Story

 

[Binsu]

Nice Story

Thanks for the comment.

OFF-TOPIC

OFF-TOPIC: You said to me to test your WoSA AI 1.3 right? I'll be testing it now and I'll give you my feedback after that!

 

[Edhel-dur]

Okay,

No offense but how old are you?

I see this story is for your project, so maybe story telling skills aren't your best. How to say this, your story needs a lot more work, but I don't know if you want to improve on it necessarily. I understand you are from Asia and learning English is a challenge in itself but... all things considered let's look over the challenges and talk about the story.

A story is two things, it's story itself, the actions and how you tell the story. How you tell the story is really important in order to make it an enjoyable story.

I don't necessarily have an exact reference at the moment, a guide to writing 'decent stories', but for the basics, it would be good if you read the Hobbit, it's a 200-300 page book. Don't watch the movie, read the book. Also playing the Wc3 campaign helps, it really knows how to implant mystery into a story.

And when telling a story you should always tell it from a third person perspective, not first person.

 

[Binsu]

Okay,

No offense but how old are you?

I see this story is for your project, so maybe story telling skills aren't your best. How to say this, your story needs a lot more work, but I don't know if you want to improve on it necessarily. I understand you are from Asia and learning English is a challenge in itself but... all things considered let's look over the challenges and talk about the story.

A story is two things, it's story itself, the actions and how you tell the story. How you tell the story is really important in order to make it an enjoyable story.

I don't necessarily have an exact reference at the moment, a guide to writing 'decent stories', but for the basics, it would be good if you read the Hobbit, it's a 200-300 page book. Don't watch the movie, read the book. Also playing the Wc3 campaign helps, it really knows how to implant mystery into a story.

And when telling a story you should always tell it from a third person perspective, not first person.

Thanks for that... To be honest, Im not that good at grammars and the way to tell stories but I am interested on them. I guess Im good at making stories through showing it in actions... Thanks for that and a +REP!

 

[Malefic]

Okay,

No offense but how old are you?

I see this story is for your project, so maybe story telling skills aren't your best. How to say this, your story needs a lot more work, but I don't know if you want to improve on it necessarily. I understand you are from Asia and learning English is a challenge in itself but... all things considered let's look over the challenges and talk about the story.

A story is two things, it's story itself, the actions and how you tell the story. How you tell the story is really important in order to make it an enjoyable story.

I don't necessarily have an exact reference at the moment, a guide to writing 'decent stories', but for the basics, it would be good if you read the Hobbit, it's a 200-300 page book. Don't watch the movie, read the book. Also playing the Wc3 campaign helps, it really knows how to implant mystery into a story.

And when telling a story you should always tell it from a third person perspective, not first person.

Helpful advice.
The most important thing in writing is to make reader interested and adictive to your story.Read 101 night and you will realize that .
Adresed to Hell Master !

 

[Binsu]

Thanks to all guys but I think I prefer the 1st person story... Well, I kinda like it..

 

[DaggerBreath]

this is nice

 

[Malefic]

Thanks to all guys but I think I prefer the 1st person story... Well, I kinda like it..

When you write don't plan from the start what will be in the end !
Just write and use your imagination .
P.S : Its nothing .

 

[EvilYoshi100]

I'm from Asia and I'm welling to tell you things,also on that part where the dwarf said
"If i need some rest or stuff" change the stuff to items, and i am willing to make a part 4 of this.

 

[Binsu]

I'm from Asia and I'm welling to tell you things,also on that part where the dwarf said
"If i need some rest or stuff" change the stuff to items, and i am willing to make a part 4 of this.

Actually, Im not yet releasing Part 4 because I am not yet at that part on my project map.

 

[EvilYoshi100]

Ok,Just PM me if you need something,seeyas!

 

[Binsu]

Ok,Just PM me if you need something,seeyas!

Im glad, thanks! +REP, and welcome to the hive! You might also want to view my Project map for this... http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/map-development-202/heroes-tale-226377/

 

[neo_sluf]

Okay,

No offense but how old are you?

I see this story is for your project, so maybe story telling skills aren't your best. How to say this, your story needs a lot more work, but I don't know if you want to improve on it necessarily. I understand you are from Asia and learning English is a challenge in itself but... all things considered let's look over the challenges and talk about the story.

A story is two things, it's story itself, the actions and how you tell the story. How you tell the story is really important in order to make it an enjoyable story.

I don't necessarily have an exact reference at the moment, a guide to writing 'decent stories', but for the basics, it would be good if you read the Hobbit, it's a 200-300 page book. Don't watch the movie, read the book. Also playing the Wc3 campaign helps, it really knows how to implant mystery into a story.

And when telling a story you should always tell it from a third person perspective, not first person.

As i read the story he uses the third person story telling good enough..yeah english in asian is somewhat hard to learn..

So simple advice...read...read....read...read...then next to it is understanding..read will improve you more...

Also don't stick no Normal Story...add some twist....the twist that everyone will not expect to happen...

 

[Binsu]

As i read the story he uses the third person story telling good enough..yeah english in asian is somewhat hard to learn..

So simple advice...read...read....read...read...then next to it is understanding..read will improve you more...

Also don't stick no Normal Story...add some twist....the twist that everyone will not expect to happen...

Thanks, +REP! I'll try to add twist but at the same time that's my weakness... some twist in the story. So, I'll try to make that but not sure if it will be successful.

 

[neo_sluf]

Thanks, +REP! I'll try to add twist but at the same time that's my weakness... some twist in the story. So, I'll try to make that but not sure if it will be successful.

Its simple just widen your imagination....choose some one of your characters then add some twist on him..

 

[Lordkoon]

I am the hero that is to save the world from the Demon Forces known as Evil

The cheesiness of this sentence gave me goosebumps.


Don't think the story as you write. Picture it before putting it on paper. Works much better.

 

[Celaquil]

Whoa, two entire pages of replies in this section - I'm slightly shocked.
That said, I see a lot of text, and not an awful lot of quality or sense in this thread.

As previously mentioned, it's fairly obvious you're no native English speaker, and while I'll agree that can often get in the way when performing an act of writing, I still don't fully find it a completely valid excuse. I'm no native English speaker myself. Learning is doing, though, not just reading.
If you plan on learning better grammar, then I suggest getting some form of correction program that works with your browser and when you write, I find "MS Word" to do a fairly good job on that.

It's also an idea to read English literature, though doing so to better your linguistic capabilities also implies you'd want to keep a dictionary close by to look up any and every word you don't know, that and you might want to memorize certain words and expressions you like, to influence your vocabulary.

Anyways, let's get onto giving some suggestions directed at your written work in this thread:


"...There was a realm where different races such as the Humans, Night Elves and many more lived."

When writing a text, any text, the first sentence is the most-fucking-important sentence of all, this is where you're going to spark the readers intrigue to entice them into reading more, you'll have to provide exciting new things they've never heard of, supply intriguing writing and recognizable emotions, all of that is what I generally sum up in one statement:

"Walking a razor."
- When concepting, a story, a video game, a wc3 game, ANYTHING, your always walking a razor of success, where the chances of tipping over is dangerously large. You want to provide something new and exciting, while at the same time giving the reader, or observer, a feeling of recognition to what they read. As such, I urge you to completely scrap this beginning and think up a new way of presenting your story, I also suggest finding something a tad more exotic than "Humans" and "Night Elves" to be your main attraction.


"The races lived in harmony for many years, but a deadly force broke the harmony... a Forces of demons called as Evil!"

I beg of you, PLEASE be more creative than naming your main antagonist force "Evil," if anything, and if you must have something like it, play on the word to make your reader get a slight chuckle. Such as naming them "Eivel," or something else that resembles what you want.


"It started with a peaceful living. The humans were doing their usual job such as hunting monsters for a living, doing trading, and many more... (Things?) There is a famous adventurer known as Angus. His desire is to travel the world and explor(e)ing the mysteries and riches of it. But one day, terrible cases of death had happened and also been reported. Others saw monsters; not just monsters but demons alike. Each day, the world suffers, and being(is?) under the controlled by(of?) an unknown force and so the Ancient Night Elves!"

If it isn't obvious, red means remove and green means that I've added something. Sometimes the added words are suggestions, and sometimes they're simply corrections. You might also notice there's some entire sentences marked red, that either means they don't make sense, that they should be re-written or that they're completely obsolete, omitting superfluous words and statement does a lot to improve a story. I'll specify:

"It started with a peaceful living." - Completely unnecessary, just remove this.

"But one day, terrible cases of death had happened and also been reported." - This part is really just badly written and there's a lot that could be omitted, example: "One day, terrible cases of death had been reported."

"so the Ancient Night Elves!" - Where the heck does the Night Elves fit into this? They're evil now? And if not, why are they mentioned along-side the "demon force" and presented in such a way that it seems we should understand exactly what you are talking about?

I guess the general idea is rather clear by now, I won't continue quoting and wording my opinions about your entire text(s), though it's obvious that a lot of work needs be put down here to improve the text. At the end of they day the most important thing to consider when writing is:

You might understand everything you're writing about your story and what it revolves around, but your reader doesn't know jack-shit and won't understand a thing lest you serve it to him properly. So, whenever you write something, always take a good long while to re-read your text and ask yourself: "Would someone else understand this?"

Now, I'll be going on a true/false spree:

Nice Story

No - Yeah, not really too great.

The most important thing in writing is to make reader interested and adictive to your story.

Yes - While writing is first and foremost an act of keeping yourself interested and addicted, it's still a valid point.

this is nice

No.

When you write don't plan from the start what will be in the end !
Just write and use your imagination .
P.S : Its nothing .

No - Writing on the fly very rarely provides a good result, and rest assured; no professional writers does. You'd have to be some form of super-genius to pull of an act like that.

I'm from Asia and I'm welling to tell you things,also on that part where the dwarf said
"If i need some rest or stuff" change the stuff to items, and i am willing to make a part 4 of this.

Yes.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Oh, and to avoid any bullshit: This is purely personal opinion and perspective.
- Keep on practicing if writing is what you want to do, you've got a long way to go but eventually all roads lead to Rome,
- ciao.

 

[Binsu]

Whoa, two entire pages of replies in this section - I'm slightly shocked.
That said, I see a lot of text, and not an awful lot of quality or sense in this thread.

As previously mentioned, it's fairly obvious you're no native English speaker, and while I'll agree that can often get in the way when performing an act of writing, I still don't fully find it a completely valid excuse. I'm no native English speaker myself. Learning is doing, though, not just reading.
If you plan on learning better grammar, then I suggest getting some form of correction program that works with your browser and when you write, I find "MS Word" to do a fairly good job on that.

It's also an idea to read English literature, though doing so to better your linguistic capabilities also implies you'd want to keep a dictionary close by to look up any and every word you don't know, that and you might want to memorize certain words and expressions you like, to influence your vocabulary.

Anyways, let's get onto giving some suggestions directed at your written work in this thread:


"...There was a realm where different races such as the Humans, Night Elves and many more lived."

When writing a text, any text, the first sentence is the most-fucking-important sentence of all, this is where you're going to spark the readers intrigue to entice them into reading more, you'll have to provide exciting new things they've never heard of, supply intriguing writing and recognizable emotions, all of that is what I generally sum up in one statement:

"Walking a razor."
- When concepting, a story, a video game, a wc3 game, ANYTHING, your always walking a razor of success, where the chances of tipping over is dangerously large. You want to provide something new and exciting, while at the same time giving the reader, or observer, a feeling of recognition to what they read. As such, I urge you to completely scrap this beginning and think up a new way of presenting your story, I also suggest finding something a tad more exotic than "Humans" and "Night Elves" to be your main attraction.


"The races lived in harmony for many years, but a deadly force broke the harmony... a Forces of demons called as Evil!"

I beg of you, PLEASE be more creative than naming your main antagonist force "Evil," if anything, and if you must have something like it, play on the word to make your reader get a slight chuckle. Such as naming them "Eivel," or something else that resembles what you want.


"It started with a peaceful living. The humans were doing their usual job such as hunting monsters for a living, doing trading, and many more... (Things?) There is a famous adventurer known as Angus. His desire is to travel the world and explor(e)ing the mysteries and riches of it. But one day, terrible cases of death had happened and also been reported. Others saw monsters; not just monsters but demons alike. Each day, the world suffers, and being(is?) under the controlled by(of?) an unknown force and so the Ancient Night Elves!"

If it isn't obvious, red means remove and green means that I've added something. Sometimes the added words are suggestions, and sometimes they're simply corrections. You might also notice there's some entire sentences marked red, that either means they don't make sense, that they should be re-written or that they're completely obsolete, omitting superfluous words and statement does a lot to improve a story. I'll specify:

"It started with a peaceful living." - Completely unnecessary, just remove this.

"But one day, terrible cases of death had happened and also been reported." - This part is really just badly written and there's a lot that could be omitted, example: "One day, terrible cases of death had been reported."

"so the Ancient Night Elves!" - Where the heck does the Night Elves fit into this? They're evil now? And if not, why are they mentioned along-side the "demon force" and presented in such a way that it seems we should understand exactly what you are talking about?

I guess the general idea is rather clear by now, I won't continue quoting and wording my opinions about your entire text(s), though it's obvious that a lot of work needs be put down here to improve the text. At the end of they day the most important thing to consider when writing is:

You might understand everything you're writing about your story and what it revolves around, but your reader doesn't know jack-shit and won't understand a thing lest you serve it to him properly. So, whenever you write something, always take a good long while to re-read your text and ask yourself: "Would someone else understand this?"

Now, I'll be going on a true/false spree:



No - Yeah, not really too great.



Yes - While writing is first and foremost an act of keeping yourself interested and addicted, it's still a valid point.



No.



No - Writing on the fly very rarely provides a good result, and rest assured; no professional writers does. You'd have to be some form of super-genius to pull of an act like that.



Yes.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Oh, and to avoid any bullshit: This is purely personal opinion and perspective.
- Keep on practicing if writing is what you want to do, you've got a long way to go but eventually all roads lead to Rome,
- ciao.

Thanks for the comment. It really inspires me to go on because with your help. I'll try to change those words with yours. +REP, thanks!

 

[DZerpic]

I'd like to add something to Keiji's post. I too am a foreigner to english and everytime I'm writting I've got a Thesaurus ready for use on my browser. If I have the slightest doubt regarding the meaning or spelling, or maybe I need a synonym, I go to the Thesaurus and/or Google Translate.

The Thesaurus actually applies to english native speakers too. I tend to make mistakes in my own moter language so I can assume english natives do the same.

Here are the webs I use:
Google Translate
Word Reference (also has english-spanish, english-french, etc dictionaries)
Thesaurus
And when creating names, I use this: Behind the Name

 

[Binsu]

I'd like to add something to Keiji's post. I too am a foreigner to english and everytime I'm writting I've got a Thesaurus ready for use on my browser. If I have the slightest doubt regarding the meaning or spelling, or maybe I need a synonym, I go to the Thesaurus and/or Google Translate.

The Thesaurus actually applies to english native speakers too. I tend to make mistakes in my own moter language so I can assume english natives do the same.

Here are the webs I use:
Google Translate
Word Reference (also has english-spanish, english-french, etc dictionaries)
Thesaurus
And when creating names, I use this: Behind the Name

Thanks, I might need those too. +REP!

 

[Edhel-dur]

Whoa, two entire pages of replies in this section - I'm slightly shocked.
That said, I see a lot of text, and not an awful lot of quality or sense in this thread.

Storytelling isn't a popular topic, that also leads to less people knowing what they are doing and what to definitively say on these subjects. So most of the time it's someone writing a crappy story and a bunch of people who don't know how to truly help fix or inspire for a better story. That leads to a fast dead end.

 

[Binsu]

Improved a little bit the grammar. A great thanks to Keiji for his suggestion that gave me the inspiration to continue even how I realized that this will be hard. Still, there is many things to improve so Part 4 will be delayed due to grammar improving.

 

[Binsu]

Sorry for the no new updates on the stories, guys. Im really experiencing constructing a good story for the game so it will take time. Again, I am very sorry!

 

[Binsu]

Guys, Part 4 is here. Be sure to read it and I am open for suggestions so throw em up! But also a bad news, I am so busy with this project map so I cant release Part 5 as soon as possible.

 

[EvilYoshi100]

i got an idea,what about epic music on epic boss fights? like the good music,and theme songs,like traps and things like that,shadow ball that the evil forces uses,and bats for the eyes of evil,there is a lot of things,just from imagination.

 

[EvilYoshi100]

what about the trap regions,like someone steps on a certain spot then BOOM! an evil spirit pops out of nowhere then attacks our Hero,and like sea monsters,training,yadda yadda yadda,and some epic,rare items like "The Legendary Sword of Greatness" bla bla,and some visions or gods giving the Hero power.

 

[EvilYoshi100]

and like an ending so epic it makes tears,when Angus shouts "For my family,for my hometown!die Evil!" Then shows all the people Angus helped or something like The souls of Angus family,friends and the people of his hometown help him."

 

[EvilYoshi100]

and maybe we need someone like,an english storymaker so we don't have problems but only the medieval things like "thy" "items" "thou" etc, and alot of stuff.

 

[EvilYoshi100]

Behind the Name is a good website,like the meaning of the name Khagdar is like Trust and alot of things and names, so like "The Cave of Mjolnir" meaning that this cave has a rare item as Thor's Hammer,Like we search for a certain name like "PANDAK Cave" pandak <- short cebuano word meaning short,It is a short Cave with short dwarfs (YES BECAUSE THEY ARE SHORT) and blablablabllabasbla etc.

 

[EvilYoshi100]

And like Thesaurus(i don't know this one) if it has a feature of translating a whole sentence then it should be a BIG and i mean big help, like you write "pandak ang kuweba at maraming aswang" becomes "short cave and many monsters" then it will be a big help.

 

[Binsu]

Thanks for the many walls of suggestions but you do know its against the rules on Double posting and you just... double... triple... quadruple..... ahhhh... many posts!

 

[EvilYoshi100]

ay,very sorry,i got soo much sensitive yesterday because of this imagination contest,and i remember those things we do with my mentor,Opthomas Prime,oh yes and if you need me just PM me and and other stuff,really got sensitive because i lost my laptop,ughh lost my notes,well,seya

 

[darkceus]

These series of spam posts are report-worthy, if I'm not mistaken (WHICH the case is I am not).

Suggestions: READ a LOT of stories, especially the fictional ones (NOT the futuristic or sci-fi kind) or just hire a writer. Just tell him the story, let him do the work, if you're not satisfied make him edit things here and there, then post it. If I were you I'd do my second suggestion, which I'm doing right now (me da writarrr). Great maps usually have writers, so, maybe go with the flow? I wish you good luck with your project.

 

[Binsu]

These series of spam posts are report-worthy, if I'm not mistaken (WHICH the case is I am not).

Suggestions: READ a LOT of stories, especially the fictional ones (NOT the futuristic or sci-fi kind) or just hire a writer. Just tell him the story, let him do the work, if you're not satisfied make him edit things here and there, then post it. If I were you I'd do my second suggestion, which I'm doing right now (me da writarrr). Great maps usually have writers, so, maybe go with the flow? I wish you good luck with your project.

Thank you, bro.

 

[FRENGERS]

Do it with Imagination
+ REPT

 

[Binsu]

Added a short story or should we say an introduction to our great and brave hero, Angus. Go and have a look at the first post. Feedbacks are appreciated!

 

[Amargaard]

Suggestions for changes to Part 1

I'd say remove the night elves and add some other race instead, like ordinary elves or a new unique race you make up yourself. Night Elves are a race known from Warcraft-universe only, thus it's kinda bad idea to pick that race and change their lore/etc.

Peace and tranquility were maintained for many years and more to come.

And more to come? Just after this sentence, the story reveals that peace and tranquility is collapsing, so I think you should either remove the "and more to come" since it doesn't make sense like this, or change it to "and the people of the realm believed it to last for many more years into the future." or something like that.

Upon this darkest hour, a nameless priest stepped forward "The time of collapse has begun. Our world fragments with each passing day. Will there ever be hope for harmony once more? Do not falter my friends for those few warriors left will persevere and end this madness for good. Heroes! RISE!"

I have a hard time believing the priest had no name. His name might not be known, but I'm sure he has a name, so change it to "an unknown priest stepped forward (Oh and add "and spoke", so that we know the following quote origins from him)".
Additionally, I also find it very confusing that the priest questions "Will there ever be hope for harmony once more?", then says that there's no reason to worry afterwards, as heroes will rise to slay evil. Either he should be completely unsure and worried of the future, or the opposite and exclaim something inspiring to the heroes, like in the last part, but mixing the two things is just weird.

Will make more suggestions for the other parts later on, but for now, this is what I can offer. Like the others say, the story and especially the grammar needs some improvement, but I see a lot of potential in it, if these changes are made correctly. I will do my best to help you on the way Kenny

 

[Doomlord]

Suggestions for changes to Part 1

I'd say remove the night elves and add some other race instead, like ordinary elves or a new unique race you make up yourself. Night Elves are a race known from Warcraft-universe only, thus it's kinda bad idea to pick that race and change their lore/etc.And more to come? Just after this sentence, the story reveals that peace and tranquility is collapsing, so I think you should either remove the "and more to come" since it doesn't make sense like this, or change it to "and the people of the realm believed it to last for many more years into the future." or something like that.
I have a hard time believing the priest had no name. His name might not be known, but I'm sure he has a name, so change it to "an unknown priest stepped forward (Oh and add "and spoke", so that we know the following quote origins from him)".
Additionally, I also find it very confusing that the priest questions "Will there ever be hope for harmony once more?", then says that there's no reason to worry afterwards, as heroes will rise to slay evil. Either he should be completely unsure and worried of the future, or the opposite and exclaim something inspiring to the heroes, like in the last part, but mixing the two things is just weird.

Will make more suggestions for the other parts later on, but for now, this is what I can offer. Like the others say, the story and especially the grammar needs some improvement, but I see a lot of potential in it, if these changes are made correctly. I will do my best to help you on the way Kenny

Thank you. I will change part 1 now.

http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/pastebin.php?id=l4tnp2

^How is it now?

 

[Binsu]

Suggestions for changes to Part 1

I'd say remove the night elves and add some other race instead, like ordinary elves or a new unique race you make up yourself. Night Elves are a race known from Warcraft-universe only, thus it's kinda bad idea to pick that race and change their lore/etc.And more to come? Just after this sentence, the story reveals that peace and tranquility is collapsing, so I think you should either remove the "and more to come" since it doesn't make sense like this, or change it to "and the people of the realm believed it to last for many more years into the future." or something like that.
I have a hard time believing the priest had no name. His name might not be known, but I'm sure he has a name, so change it to "an unknown priest stepped forward (Oh and add "and spoke", so that we know the following quote origins from him)".
Additionally, I also find it very confusing that the priest questions "Will there ever be hope for harmony once more?", then says that there's no reason to worry afterwards, as heroes will rise to slay evil. Either he should be completely unsure and worried of the future, or the opposite and exclaim something inspiring to the heroes, like in the last part, but mixing the two things is just weird.

Will make more suggestions for the other parts later on, but for now, this is what I can offer. Like the others say, the story and especially the grammar needs some improvement, but I see a lot of potential in it, if these changes are made correctly. I will do my best to help you on the way Kenny

Thanks and maybe I can make Doom my writer and I'll give the ideas.

 

[Binsu]

All part are remade and thanks to Doomlord. Have a look and please give a feedback!

 

[Amargaard]

Looks much better now

 

[Binsu]

Looks much better now

Thank you very much for the feedback. For us, it means a lot so +3 REP.

 

[Amargaard]

Suggestions for changes to Part 2

Upon my entrance, a dwarf suddenly appeared right in front of me, advising me to rest after a long adventure day.

It's either just a long day, a long adventure, or long adventurous day.
Also just after the quote above, the story tells of the dwarf instead trying to give an offer. However, that's rather weird. If you meet a random dude on the street and tell him "Dude, you look tired, get some sleep man!", you will not just ignore his answer and say "Want my hat? Then I must have your shoes!", that's rather weird. Why ignore the answer to the very question you are asking? My suggestion would be to remove the first part, about the sleep - because that's kinda weird too. Do you often ask people you meet for the first time on the street to come up sleep in your house? If drunk, I understand, otherwise not

If I were to gather three Magical Stones, he would construct me a powerful Magical Weapon.

Firstly, I'd say "If I gathered three Magical Stones for him" instead, because the current sentence kinda sounds like "If I accidently gathered three stones..". Secondly, needs some more reason than this. Why would the dwarf want to spend the whole night forging a weapon for these stones? Why doesn't he just go pick them up himself? What interest does he have in them?

As I stepped outside, an Old Man confronted me and told me that I was the hero destined to save the world from the demon force known as Evil.

This is not German, thus nouns are not spelled with capitalized first letters - Remove the big letters from old man.
Also, the demon force known as Evil is the worst name ever, make up something new for your own sake.


And once again, I'll suggest you to change Night Elves to some other race. Keep in mind that your map is a unique universe, it's not taking part in the Warcraft universe, thus you shouldn't use the unique Warcraft-races and creatures, but stick to the original races from old folktales, or make up your own new ones.
If they are the only kinds of Elves in the map, it would be stupid to call them "Night"/"High"/"Blood" Elves, since those words are used to separate the main elf race of Warcraft into several subraces. If there is only one kind of Elves, then that one kind of Elves should be named Elves.
But actually, I'd suggest making it some other race than Elves - I mean, Elves, as Gods and Goddesses? Come on, Elves have never been anywhere near a godly status.

 

[Binsu]

Suggestions for changes to Part 2

It's either just a long day, a long adventure, or long adventurous day.
Also just after the quote above, the story tells of the dwarf instead trying to give an offer. However, that's rather weird. If you meet a random dude on the street and tell him "Dude, you look tired, get some sleep man!", you will not just ignore his answer and say "Want my hat? Then I must have your shoes!", that's rather weird. Why ignore the answer to the very question you are asking? My suggestion would be to remove the first part, about the sleep - because that's kinda weird too. Do you often ask people you meet for the first time on the street to come up sleep in your house? If drunk, I understand, otherwise not

Firstly, I'd say "If I gathered three Magical Stones for him" instead, because the current sentence kinda sounds like "If I accidently gathered three stones..". Secondly, needs some more reason than this. Why would the dwarf want to spend the whole night forging a weapon for these stones? Why doesn't he just go pick them up himself? What interest does he have in them?

This is not German, thus nouns are not spelled with capitalized first letters - Remove the big letters from old man.
Also, the demon force known as Evil is the worst name ever, make up something new for your own sake.


And once again, I'll suggest you to change Night Elves to some other race. Keep in mind that your map is a unique universe, it's not taking part in the Warcraft universe, thus you shouldn't use the unique Warcraft-races and creatures, but stick to the original races from old folktales, or make up your own new ones.
If they are the only kinds of Elves in the map, it would be stupid to call them "Night"/"High"/"Blood" Elves, since those words are used to separate the main elf race of Warcraft into several subraces. If there is only one kind of Elves, then that one kind of Elves should be named Elves.
But actually, I'd suggest making it some other race than Elves - I mean, Elves, as Gods and Goddesses? Come on, Elves have never been anywhere near a godly status.

Thanks for the feedback, will try to apply this. But I do know Elves to be ancient so maybe we can consider them Gods...

 

[Doomlord]

Updating part 2 atm

edit

Updated.
http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/pastebin.php?id=vxl1kj

 

[darkceus]

Good job on the writing. I told you H_M, it'll be worth it.

I'll be reading these frequently.

 

[Binsu]

Good job on the writing. I told you H_M, it'll be worth it.

I'll be reading these frequently.

Thank you very much. +3 REP for the feedback (gotta wait 24 hours first...awww), means a lot.

 

[Vinz]

Awesome 'twist' you got there! But read through Von Leo's death, you forgot to press 'Enter'.

 

[Binsu]

Awesome 'twist' you got there! But read through Von Leo's death, you forgot to press 'Enter'.

Thanks for the feedback but what do you mean by the Enter? +3 REP given for the feedback!