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A story

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My stories

Heres a story i did for my Gcse work tell me what you think of it (good/bad what could i improve. Where the mistakes are (Please point out all the mistakes.)


Santa's Inn 3.0

The cold breeze swept the dark alley towards the empty black, which covered the village of Settlesea. Rain battered down upon my cloak as, I drew, closer to the varnished oak door. A single shaft of moonlight settled down upon the crooked iron handle, which glinted a benevolent blue smile. I slowly drew my hand towards it, clasping the icy metal between fingers. I tapped twice.
The hollow sound of the wood resonated of into the distance, echoing like the last words of a lost soul. After a few seconds the mechanism made a resounding click, before the latch lifted and the door eerily opened. An odd man with a wry smile was standing in front of me. A single candle lit lantern in his right hand, gave a soft blue glow. The dim light revealed only but a few of his features, in the dark air. “A room I take it” His rough voice gave a slight warming feeling to this damp cold night.
“Yes…..How much” I stammered, fiddling for my wallet in the side pocket of my drenched cloak.
“On the house my good friend” His voice rasped. “Not even the devil would want someone to go out in this weather; it would be murder to sleep on the streets tonight”
He exclaimed. He stepped back revealing the inn. I said my farewells to the screaming winds and the shard like rain, before the big heavy oak door softly clicked back into place, so soft that it had looked like it had never be open in the first place. The man walked back behind the counter and started to pour something out into a mug. Red candles lit the silent room. The wind amazingly could not be heard here and all reminisce of the sound of those screaming winds had vanished. After pouring out the yellow liquid, he staggered over to the stairs. “Your rooms up here” He pointed up the old staircase.
I followed to the staircase as he walked up the creeping steps, but before I began my ascension to my room I caught sight of a long passage way falling down into the ground to my left. It seemed to go on forever in its never ending twisting path. Torches glowed a ravenous flame towards each side lining the passage way. I could not imagine to where it would lead to. Although I knew that, whatever happened I knew that I didn’t want to find out. I wouldn’t want to go down there. For this part of the inn, felt wrong. I cannot say why it felt wrong or where this feeling came from, but it just felt wrong. Suddenly I started to feel sick and quickly leaped up the steps after the man.
He was not there. I looked left: a wall, right: A long passage leading to each room. There were only two floors and he was on neither as I had not seen him when I ascended. The dusty floors stirred as a gale of wind blasted through the hall pushing me back. The hall was lit only by a few candle lanterns, which hung from the wall to my right. I quickly pulled at the one nearest to me and continued through the hall. “Hello” I shouted.
No answer.

So I began my journey into the long passage. I passed the first door. Nothing. The 2nd door. Nothing again. I looked back into the hall counting the numbers as each door passed. “1…2…3…4…5” A silent creak sounded of in the distance. My heart began to race. I quickened my step, hoping to find the Inn keeper. “6… 7, 8 9 10 11 12” “Bam!” the door suddenly flung open smashing against the wall. The wood cracking in half as the door slowly recoiled back into its position. Cracks scuttled along the varnished oak wood. The bronze handle glinted odiously boding for me to turn it. The door cracked pulling me in. I gazed above the old door to see a crusty plate of bronze. “Room 13” it said as if it was an everyday thing. I’m not all that superstitious, but even now, I remember that point, and fearing for my life. A cold fear. A dead fear which I have never felt before. All though I can faintly remember it. Chills ruptured down my spine, as if by magic without me knowing, my arms were out stretched and the catch could already be heard in my ears. I tried as hard as I could to stop my hand. My heart was racing now; My eyes spinning in their sockets with fear. “God help me” I screamed into the darkness. The door slammed shut behind me with a resounding smile. The moon light faded.
The door laughed at me.
And I laughed back.


And heres another story >.>


Snow Flakes 2.0

The shrill wind battered down upon the small figure trudging on though the icy tundra, a dog by his side easily keeping his pace. The snow slowly dispersed, as he plunged another boot into the icy pool of white cloud.

Each step was harder than the last as he struggled on, pushing against the harsh winds, which scathed at his sides, like icy daggers of the night. As he limped forward into the misty mountain of snow, he remembered the past night as if it was happening all over again. The endless day dream he could never stop reliving as the plot uncoiled in twisted motion.

He could remember the same events repeating; repeating them selves in never-ending torment, as frozen tears swelled in his eyes, he remembered. They were on there way back and had set up the last camp on the last stretch before home, only two survivors left now the rest had succumbed to fatigue and to the deathly calls of the barren wastelands.

Now at camp they sat there empty handed, empty stomachs and fatigue clawing at there eyes.
The ominous silence fill the camp as simon had shivered violently. He remebered trying to warm Simon with his coat, but still Simon shivered. . He remembered his last thoughts of his wife and child before finally setting off on the journey. He remembered there smiles as he left the harbour waving at him as he waved back. He remembered Simons face, devoid of emotion, of humanity, totally empty and at peace. As he left him buried deep in the snow. He remembered the blizzard drowning him in snow as he began to descend towards the icy tundra.

These memories he remembered, which plagued like a parasite clinging onto his brain, feeding on his joy, plunging him into a hopeless world of sorrow. Now the icy chill bit into him as he began to ascend the daunting hill, which faced him, standing there in all its girth, taunting him “Your never going to make it you know that don’t you. You’re going to die like the rest of them you feeble little man. You’re going to die and nobody will care. Your body frozen in this wasteland forever damned, but nobody will even notice.”

Hunger cursed his stomach, with tortuous pains, which pulled him in double bent forward so that he hobbled along like an old man. The frozen air hitting into him, with sharp pointed teeth, while the snow drowned him in frost, every breath caused agony within him as the bitter winds stabbed at his iced throat.
“We are going to make it. We have to make it” He croaked hopelessly out into the moonlight his breath spilling out in azure blue clouds.
“Not long now”, but really he knew he was walking to his death. He staggered up the foreboding hill, his throat aching in a frozen burning sensation that sent shiver up his spine.

His spine became livid with fear as his head filled up yet more horrific nightmares that even Satan himself could not bear. He struggled on as fatigue slapped at him, pulling his eyes shut, wanting him to rest, to fall to the ground and sleep, to never wake up again. Pain stabbed at his legs. His feet felt like huge blocks of ice. Each step crippled him till he could barely move.

Yet he knew only a few more steps and he would be upon the hill.
The blizzard sped up pushing against him. He could no longer fight back against the oncoming tide of snow. He was finished. And so with his last ounce of energy he pulled his feet up and stomped forward then stood just before the peak. He pulled out a heart shaped amulet of gold from his pocket. His hand shaking violently as hypothermia began to set in. The wind circled him in fury as he raised his hand. The snow smashed at his sides, surrounding him in puffs of white, blocking out everything but him, the amulet and the hill. His arm was fully outstretched now. And so he began to push down against the still air into the snow punching a hole, thrusting the amulet into the hill. Snow collapsed in upon the hole he had created as he withdrew his hand. “Its done” He gasped. Now his family’s memory would live forever within the icy tomb. He did not have to take the amulet with him to what ever hell he was destined for in this apcolyptic mess.

He was able to take one last look out back into the sky as he wobbled back and forth, before finally the fatigue collapsed him into the snow. And so the little black and white husky began to whine in anguish as frozen tears splashed towards the ground. He stood on his forefront and hurried to his master’s side. Bending low he dug his teeth onto the cold soft furry cloak at which his master was wearing. He bit down hard and began to pull.

He began to bring his master home.




Warning this Story contains bad language. If you do not wish to read such foul mouthing please skip this story.

The noose 1.0

Cold sweat trickled down my brow, as i stood in the somber twilight. My thoughts eratic, my heart broken, split by the trap that is love. Only three days ago my wife, my dear wife, my sweet wife, my perfect wife, Sarah had been hit by a truck, on her way back from work. It was a gruesome injury and her the truck left her splayed on the soft road in pieces. Her beautifull face broken, her innocent features spoiled, her sweet personaillity shattered, her memories dead. The truck had mowed her down cracking every bone in her body. As usual the son of a bitch was drunk when he hit her, and they probably gonna give him five years and released on bail at three.
We had only been married for five days damnit, five.
Yet we had shared so much and are love had grown beyond comparison for each other. We were perfect, our souls and thought intertwined. As everyday i woke the utmost joy would cover my features in an embroidery of pleasure, when i see her there next to me.
But today i woke with no one beside me, i woke with no pleasure at knowing she was there right beside me and stupidly in my ignorance believeing that we would never be apart. Never truly seperate.
My naivety was my down fool. My love was my curse. My sorrow was my trap. Now in the midst of night the trucker lay dead on the floor compiled into eligant pieces, hand crafted into a jigsaw or self degrading pity. He was easilly tracked back to a bar where he had been since the accident slowly wittering away his money and his misery into yet more poison.
The moonlight before me hit its peak, in the dark leafy green sky. I took one last look at the murderer, at the drunk, at the apitamy of man kind. At the manatomy of what was his body. Then i began to ascend towards the rope. Intricatly woven and knotted into a perfect, figure eight noose. Soon my love I shall tie the noose that is love, I shall be with you.
It hung there standing, waiting for me, for my neck, for my soul. Lingering like a parasite waiting for its host, an executioner of sorts, a giver of peace.
The wind picked up outside and I heard rain spatter the sealing. The rain pattered out the drum of my heart, as it paced forward. Gently i lifted my first foot with the least amount of effort, resting it upon the crooked stall beneath the rope. An azure blue cloud sifted through the moonlight as the dust cluttered the room.
The icy wooden floor looked up to me as I placed my second foot upon the stool. Resting silenty, it looked up at me questioning my actions. Sifting through my pain "Its all your fault. She's dead because of you. You wern't there for her, when you had promised her that you would be. Your time has come. Join her in the hell that she now lives in because of you. Yes there is no heaven no god, you have no hope. Your useless, a waste of space, you should die now, die like she did. You don't deserve any better. Your worthless"
I just stared back at it blankily remorse etched into my very soul, which was smothered in grief, and self hatred, self loathing, at what i had become.
I remembered taking that knife to the man hearts and dicing into bite size junks. I remember spending hours slowly carving up his limp body in that van after I had driven back home, so that he would feel how i felt.
I remeber taking him to the van how easy it had been. He was a drunk all and I had to do was wait till closing time and offer the barman a favour of taking him back home. He was an easy kill and i expected no less from that drunk that hit my wife, that broke her.
I stood looking back at that wooden floor with only remorse in my eyes, and hope that i will once be reunited with her.
"With my wife" I whispered gasping into the cold air. Cold Crystal of anguish streamed down my cheek splashing to the ground in a cacophony of emotion. I wept into the night, till it was time for the end.
Just as the sun began to rise breaking into daylight. The exact spot between day and night which was niether and both at the same time. This was always Sarah's favorite time of the day.
I checked the noose once more checking it was perfectly tight, before taking one last look at my dearest memory. The picture of our wedding. The happiest times of our small lives. I looked at her soft smile which cascaded with yet more pain. It felt like my hear was being ripped from my soul.
"Sarah this is for you"
My neck now rested in the noose i dropped the picture.
We didn't even get to go on a honemoon.
I jumped letting my neck hang in the comfort arms of the rope. The air slowly filtering out my body, the life evaporating, my kneck bones cracking.
A great beam of light fluttered into the room through the open window, lighting the horrific scene which lay before it. A man lay swinging side to side upon the rope in the peaceful air; while a dead body lay beside him of to the corner in the shadows. Blood began to trickle downwards from the body towards the stall. A thin line of crimzon red lit the path, as it trickled, descending across the wood. And finally it stopped in a pool of blood around the stall.
Time seemed to stand still as the light continued to stream into the room.
The serene room stood still with time hand in hand.
He was finally with her, with his love.
 
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Level 11
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Well my humble advice is simply to read through the text. Not just once, try do it ten times, or at least three times. You have very few or no typos so don't worry about that. Aim to increase understanding. Also, often two small sentences beat one long. Imagine the reader's mind as a blank page. If you miss to paint something the painting will be much harder to understand. Take a coffee and do something else in between your checks. I promise you this will work wonders.
 
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Thank you for the advice will do :p
Reffering to two sentance beating one sentance surely that depends entirely on the message your trying to convey. Surely many short sentances for a quick paced story and a long sentance for a long part of the story.
I.e The summer dewdrops slowly dripped down upon Azoths forhead cooling him in the radiant sunlight as he slept softly in a droswy state. Long sentance to emphaise his drowsyness

I.e.2 Suddenly he pulled out the gun. Load. Aim. Fire the bullet shot towards his enemy at a hurtling speed. Bang. The bullet hit its target. Clean shot. Clean blow. No mess. Easy to clear up with a bit of time. The perfect kill in the midnight.
Emphaises the atmosphere created of the death.

(Although i agree your right in the situation of this story Short sentances would be better)

Thanks for the painting anallergy though that helped alot. And i shall try to read through itmore
 
Level 11
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Of course you are right about that. But a common mistake I see when I read others work is usually that they put totally different things in a sentence. Like this sentence:
"As he entered the room she put her clothes on, and luckily he didn't see her naked and then they went to have a good night's sleep - but when they were about to go to bed something was in the bed and they couldn't really tell what it was so they ran far far away."
 
Level 17
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Thanks for the tip Grey ill use less onomatopia next time and try describing it maybe that will have more effect. (Def gonna keep that in mind)

Also added another story
 
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