The Dragon's Call 1

[Moderator]

Vengeancekael
Date: 2013/Feb/10 16:33:34

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Reasons:

Lacking Description: Template​

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Comment:

No author either.​

Not Rated

[tr]​

Rules

 

[usfshihy]

In the map description set the author to FireLord001,and make a good description without a good one your map will never get approved.

 

[Radicool]

Wonderful cinematic man. I really like the environemnt, the camera work, the models. I love how the door animates and opens. The children and horses walking in the background in the village. Little racoons wandering in the forest. Its really nice. It seems really realistic and fun to watch everything happening. However there are some points to work on.

• At the start, the ambient sound of nature (birds and river flow) sounds a bit odd. It plays a bit late when the camera fades in and sounds overly loud. This ruins the peaceful effect by even startling the audience. Consider fading the music in (start soft and gradually increase in volume).

• The Rain ambience music actually sounds a little like fire. Doesn't really sound like rain. Also, the rain abience cuts out every 5 seconds or so, pauses for about 1 seconds and replays. It sounds a little sloppy.

• The grammer is really bad. It was a little annoying to read. Very sloppy grammer, and a very limited vocabulary. Its like reading a book a kid made in year 3. Please consider fixing up the grammer mistakes, syntax (whether the sentece makes sense or not) and try using some more sophisticated words. Not words that people find hard to understand, just avoid words that young children use. For grown men, they talk like children.

• The diagloue isn't neccicarily the best. We learned "show dont tell" in school. I mean, the characters say "I need to find an Inn because I'm tired" and "Your magics is not strong enough to heal me". Please dont let the characters explain the obvious. If the man has snore marks coming from him and makes a yawn noise. I think we can figure out hes tired and will find an inn. And dont tell us the guy is dying. If hes lying on the ground, bleeding and sleeping in a pool of blood, I'm pretty sure you dont need to tell us that hes dead. I hope you understand this. Just try making them say things to express their emotions, motives, and talking to other people. Don't use their voice to explain to the watchers of the movie basic things.

• Avoid cliche' lines. When the man is telling the story of his mother and father dying, the mother says "Nooooo!" when her husband just died. This is such an overused, lame line for a character to say. Think of something more interesting and unique for the mum to say. This is just one example.

• Also, work on the description on your map. Make some headings. "Storyline", "Features", "Credits", just to let us know a little about the map before we download it.

Dont get me wrong, this is really an amazing story. Just work on the points I mentioned to make it even better. Keep it up!