- Joined
- Sep 25, 2013
- Messages
- 521
I'll just post the raw effing text cause I'm a rowdy howdy! No files and smiles 
!
This essay is in response to a essay prompt asking me to compare human evolution to that of the progression of telephone technology. Here goes:
The Big Essay
(Fast Forward to Final Paragraph if displeased, Sequestered Pondering Flood Incoming)
Surgeo Cluntk once said as he stood upon the peak of mount Varganthrop in the company of the greatest mountaineers of all time, all of whom were thoroughly winded except for himself, “you’re telling me this is a mountain!?”. Cluntk hailed from the much steeper and more verticle land of utmash, where the only way to farm was by growing along the sides of waterfalls and the wolves had adapted large, piercing bone hooks in place of paws in order to haul themselves around the granite crags and near 90 degree ridges that formed this harsh land. The point of all this is, life is shaped to fit the land through the process of evolution and furthermore! Humans are not exceptional! We have lovely eyes that can see lovely things, but they’re just another pair of eyes amongst a vast sea of other eyes, many with a lower capacity for detailed light receptivity and some (though I’m not sure how many) with a much greater capacity. And, it also silly nonesenseness to think that an ability to see in color makes our human eyes “better than” or an “improvement over” or “more advanced than” those eyes which do not gather color data as these eyes specialize in other ways that we humans will never measure up to. But of course, it’s not about the eyes, it’s about what makes us human, the thing we like to flaunt when we think we’ve got it, and that is big brains! Yeah, we have big brains by proportional comparison to pretty much most critters. However, why would that make us the presumptive lords of the universe and rulers of all other lifeforms? Let us answer this question this time on, Max’s Obligatory Response to a Question Which Requires Him To Answer in A Very Specific Way! So brash, what a sleeeeeze bag, this kid, bucking the system maaaaan… I’ll show him! I will give him a G-, a grade so unfathomably low that even by kissing ass to a thousand “questions” there-after he will never even begin to see the divine light of the pure one- AYE-PRUS, greatest god of scholars, and the most central worship idol of all Indian prayer cabinets! Traditional Korean Prayer: A+ A+ A+ heed my prayer, to you, none else, to whom I swear! Sweaty are my palms, achy are my wrists, as I write this thousand word gist! But if I die without a PHD, I will be worth as nothing, a lost ship on the eternal sea!
Back on track though! That up there, I didn’t do that, it was my cat, Orbi the 9 fingered (I’m talking per paw). Orbi is a crude beast of a cat, no manners. I suppose that is what comes of being raised in the hickory swamps South-South Carolina though. You know what they say about old hickory though don’t you? His genome was spliced with the springiness of an old hickory switch, so that he could scare the red coats, who would mistake him for Spring-Heeled Jack, as he came bouncing toward them with murder in his eyes. Back-back on track though! That up there, I didn’t do that, it was my dog, Tim the Swine Breeder…
The evolution of man resembles almost precisely the evolution of the telephone. Perhaps it is by intelligent design, but according to statistical analysis, an army of chimps wielding telephone booths of the old rotary kind, cumulatively, could not dial in a string of digits long enough to at least equal the denominator of the probability that human and telephone evolution have followed such a close path to greatness by pure random chance, even if they were to dial in a digit at the rate of 1 every 3 nanoseconds over the duration of 29,587,100 mars years! When calculated by the latest super computer, R1ch0rd D0wK1N5 IQ OVER 9000, even Donald trump was astounded by the absolute length of the thing. I will not type it because it can only be done on above mentioned super computer and was only viewed via the single wish granted by God for all eternity (Wish made by Bill Nye), just believe me, k? I will just say that if this value were converted from an integer into a real variable, and this real variable was really just a piece of string, and every digit was worth one nanometer, it would wrap around the earth over 29 septillion times. Then, the great universal cat, Marsala Kun Tanaka, would coalese from the unexplained dark matter, being that the exact condition for him to arise is that the Earth must resemble a giant ball of yarn. Of course, this even in itself is incredibly unlikely, very much more unlikely than the afore mentioned event that we just analyzed. After all, what is the likely hood of getting all those chimps together, rotarying away at such a fanatical rate; and then somehow rounding up all those floating digits and converting them into piece of string?? At this point, I think it’s safe to say that we will never see the great cat in the sky, Marsala Kun Tanaka Ohio Chan Don Garby Himblehoof Scalone Veracruz Smith of Appleton New Jersey…
The night wears on… but I must persist, I need dah Aye Prus!
Oh, yes, but about humans and telephones! First came the lover’s phone. It was simple, like an Australopithecus, but unlike the Australopithecus, it did not worry about eating or predators and it would never have to be compared to humans… until now. Well after a few rounds of reading about how humans and phones are pretty much the same thing, I could understand how one might truly begin to believe this notion. I mean, when a body approaches a herd of FACTS as an opinionated predator, trying to find a weakness, trying to find a kill, why, they damn near always circle the wagons and lock horns. Impenetrable, you can’t find a way to break them up, you give up after a while. So, I’m going to approach this one different. Im gonna get in their skin, see how it is to be a MOB FACT, then I’m gonna be-friend em, and then I’m gonna change their minds with a MOB FACT VIRUS.
Okay okay okay, for reals back on track. The Australopithecus was slow witted resembling the slow transmission of the Lover’s Phone. But everyone thought nothing of it because that’s all there was, just Lover’s Phones, just Australopithecuses. But then, through arbitrary mutations of slight worth compiled over generations a slight bump in the head became pretty fjazzz to have for the slightly more new Australopithecus. Having a bigger brain could have been useless under different circumstances, it could have been detrimental even; but in this bizzare reality, it was useful. So now we had two kinds of ding dongs roaming around without any sort of life goal or ambition, just sloozying around town without a job or any form of appreciable income, a few kiddos tagging along making their lives miserable, and a handful more off the books; yeah, progress isn’t a thing me thinks. Meanwhile, back way closer to now, the telephone was going through puberty as well. You see, Johmbus Franklin and Teddy Roserfelt invented the Dingle Ring and as they say “Nothing was ever the same again…” This thing had all the ding dangs and wick wacks and bells and whistles you could think of! It didn’t have a touch screen yet! That’s latter, with Stebe Jorbes and Byll Grapes and the whole gang. So what happened with these two phones coexisting? Unlike what the common view of evolution is, they didn’t just beat the crap out of eachother; that could get bloody! No, they diverged in their customer base, specialized, split paths, changed diets. The lover’s Phone served in rail line track switch stations and places where short distance calls were needed, and the Dingle Ringle took the long distance call customers. And they changed and added more stupid stuff over the coming generations until the Lover’s Phone could send a message up to 800 meters away and the other thing could do even cooler stuff which I haven’t bothered to research. Finally the Dingle Dangle Ring swallowed up all the customer base for all phones and that was that.
Anyways, I’m about burned out. Maybe you’ll let me tell you the full story one day I hope. I’m just having some fun, I hope you’re not angry about all these shenanigans. Really, I’m going to be dead at some point sooner or later and none of this will have mattered. Think nothing of this please as I do actually enjoy the pursuit of our human ancestry and do respect college generally. I just don’t fit into the mold they’ve made for me, and I think it be nice if they didn’t passive aggressively try to stomp everyone into the college box. Please don’t ask about who “they” are. We can’t all be made for this. Sometimes, most of the times, I believe that I am just an outlier, but I suppose if there is one useful thing that statistics has shown me, it’s the dropout rate from colleges. Fairly high generally. So I guess I can’t be the only one. But unfortunately, college is the best available retrofit technology (BART) or the least among many evils or the closest we can come to producing where marginal social benefit intersects with marginal social cost. It serves the largest number of any solution well enough because we can’t possibly develop personalized life plans for every individual until no one is left out at all. There’s too many people. Period. I would rather have been an ancient homosapien I think. I know life wasn’t glamorous and diseases sucked and seasons sucked and tedious daily survival tasks sucked and so on and so forth, but so does cancer, Alzheimer’s, modern war, terrorism, overpopulation, and being beyond lost in a world full of “big ideas” and “amazing progress”. Just give me a new life from birth amongst a hunter gatherer society and I’ll shut up. And please, don’t tell me about how bad health care coverage is in those kinds of societies. Fin.
!This essay is in response to a essay prompt asking me to compare human evolution to that of the progression of telephone technology. Here goes:
The Big Essay
(Fast Forward to Final Paragraph if displeased, Sequestered Pondering Flood Incoming)
Surgeo Cluntk once said as he stood upon the peak of mount Varganthrop in the company of the greatest mountaineers of all time, all of whom were thoroughly winded except for himself, “you’re telling me this is a mountain!?”. Cluntk hailed from the much steeper and more verticle land of utmash, where the only way to farm was by growing along the sides of waterfalls and the wolves had adapted large, piercing bone hooks in place of paws in order to haul themselves around the granite crags and near 90 degree ridges that formed this harsh land. The point of all this is, life is shaped to fit the land through the process of evolution and furthermore! Humans are not exceptional! We have lovely eyes that can see lovely things, but they’re just another pair of eyes amongst a vast sea of other eyes, many with a lower capacity for detailed light receptivity and some (though I’m not sure how many) with a much greater capacity. And, it also silly nonesenseness to think that an ability to see in color makes our human eyes “better than” or an “improvement over” or “more advanced than” those eyes which do not gather color data as these eyes specialize in other ways that we humans will never measure up to. But of course, it’s not about the eyes, it’s about what makes us human, the thing we like to flaunt when we think we’ve got it, and that is big brains! Yeah, we have big brains by proportional comparison to pretty much most critters. However, why would that make us the presumptive lords of the universe and rulers of all other lifeforms? Let us answer this question this time on, Max’s Obligatory Response to a Question Which Requires Him To Answer in A Very Specific Way! So brash, what a sleeeeeze bag, this kid, bucking the system maaaaan… I’ll show him! I will give him a G-, a grade so unfathomably low that even by kissing ass to a thousand “questions” there-after he will never even begin to see the divine light of the pure one- AYE-PRUS, greatest god of scholars, and the most central worship idol of all Indian prayer cabinets! Traditional Korean Prayer: A+ A+ A+ heed my prayer, to you, none else, to whom I swear! Sweaty are my palms, achy are my wrists, as I write this thousand word gist! But if I die without a PHD, I will be worth as nothing, a lost ship on the eternal sea!
Back on track though! That up there, I didn’t do that, it was my cat, Orbi the 9 fingered (I’m talking per paw). Orbi is a crude beast of a cat, no manners. I suppose that is what comes of being raised in the hickory swamps South-South Carolina though. You know what they say about old hickory though don’t you? His genome was spliced with the springiness of an old hickory switch, so that he could scare the red coats, who would mistake him for Spring-Heeled Jack, as he came bouncing toward them with murder in his eyes. Back-back on track though! That up there, I didn’t do that, it was my dog, Tim the Swine Breeder…
The evolution of man resembles almost precisely the evolution of the telephone. Perhaps it is by intelligent design, but according to statistical analysis, an army of chimps wielding telephone booths of the old rotary kind, cumulatively, could not dial in a string of digits long enough to at least equal the denominator of the probability that human and telephone evolution have followed such a close path to greatness by pure random chance, even if they were to dial in a digit at the rate of 1 every 3 nanoseconds over the duration of 29,587,100 mars years! When calculated by the latest super computer, R1ch0rd D0wK1N5 IQ OVER 9000, even Donald trump was astounded by the absolute length of the thing. I will not type it because it can only be done on above mentioned super computer and was only viewed via the single wish granted by God for all eternity (Wish made by Bill Nye), just believe me, k? I will just say that if this value were converted from an integer into a real variable, and this real variable was really just a piece of string, and every digit was worth one nanometer, it would wrap around the earth over 29 septillion times. Then, the great universal cat, Marsala Kun Tanaka, would coalese from the unexplained dark matter, being that the exact condition for him to arise is that the Earth must resemble a giant ball of yarn. Of course, this even in itself is incredibly unlikely, very much more unlikely than the afore mentioned event that we just analyzed. After all, what is the likely hood of getting all those chimps together, rotarying away at such a fanatical rate; and then somehow rounding up all those floating digits and converting them into piece of string?? At this point, I think it’s safe to say that we will never see the great cat in the sky, Marsala Kun Tanaka Ohio Chan Don Garby Himblehoof Scalone Veracruz Smith of Appleton New Jersey…
The night wears on… but I must persist, I need dah Aye Prus!
Oh, yes, but about humans and telephones! First came the lover’s phone. It was simple, like an Australopithecus, but unlike the Australopithecus, it did not worry about eating or predators and it would never have to be compared to humans… until now. Well after a few rounds of reading about how humans and phones are pretty much the same thing, I could understand how one might truly begin to believe this notion. I mean, when a body approaches a herd of FACTS as an opinionated predator, trying to find a weakness, trying to find a kill, why, they damn near always circle the wagons and lock horns. Impenetrable, you can’t find a way to break them up, you give up after a while. So, I’m going to approach this one different. Im gonna get in their skin, see how it is to be a MOB FACT, then I’m gonna be-friend em, and then I’m gonna change their minds with a MOB FACT VIRUS.
Okay okay okay, for reals back on track. The Australopithecus was slow witted resembling the slow transmission of the Lover’s Phone. But everyone thought nothing of it because that’s all there was, just Lover’s Phones, just Australopithecuses. But then, through arbitrary mutations of slight worth compiled over generations a slight bump in the head became pretty fjazzz to have for the slightly more new Australopithecus. Having a bigger brain could have been useless under different circumstances, it could have been detrimental even; but in this bizzare reality, it was useful. So now we had two kinds of ding dongs roaming around without any sort of life goal or ambition, just sloozying around town without a job or any form of appreciable income, a few kiddos tagging along making their lives miserable, and a handful more off the books; yeah, progress isn’t a thing me thinks. Meanwhile, back way closer to now, the telephone was going through puberty as well. You see, Johmbus Franklin and Teddy Roserfelt invented the Dingle Ring and as they say “Nothing was ever the same again…” This thing had all the ding dangs and wick wacks and bells and whistles you could think of! It didn’t have a touch screen yet! That’s latter, with Stebe Jorbes and Byll Grapes and the whole gang. So what happened with these two phones coexisting? Unlike what the common view of evolution is, they didn’t just beat the crap out of eachother; that could get bloody! No, they diverged in their customer base, specialized, split paths, changed diets. The lover’s Phone served in rail line track switch stations and places where short distance calls were needed, and the Dingle Ringle took the long distance call customers. And they changed and added more stupid stuff over the coming generations until the Lover’s Phone could send a message up to 800 meters away and the other thing could do even cooler stuff which I haven’t bothered to research. Finally the Dingle Dangle Ring swallowed up all the customer base for all phones and that was that.
Anyways, I’m about burned out. Maybe you’ll let me tell you the full story one day I hope. I’m just having some fun, I hope you’re not angry about all these shenanigans. Really, I’m going to be dead at some point sooner or later and none of this will have mattered. Think nothing of this please as I do actually enjoy the pursuit of our human ancestry and do respect college generally. I just don’t fit into the mold they’ve made for me, and I think it be nice if they didn’t passive aggressively try to stomp everyone into the college box. Please don’t ask about who “they” are. We can’t all be made for this. Sometimes, most of the times, I believe that I am just an outlier, but I suppose if there is one useful thing that statistics has shown me, it’s the dropout rate from colleges. Fairly high generally. So I guess I can’t be the only one. But unfortunately, college is the best available retrofit technology (BART) or the least among many evils or the closest we can come to producing where marginal social benefit intersects with marginal social cost. It serves the largest number of any solution well enough because we can’t possibly develop personalized life plans for every individual until no one is left out at all. There’s too many people. Period. I would rather have been an ancient homosapien I think. I know life wasn’t glamorous and diseases sucked and seasons sucked and tedious daily survival tasks sucked and so on and so forth, but so does cancer, Alzheimer’s, modern war, terrorism, overpopulation, and being beyond lost in a world full of “big ideas” and “amazing progress”. Just give me a new life from birth amongst a hunter gatherer society and I’ll shut up. And please, don’t tell me about how bad health care coverage is in those kinds of societies. Fin.
