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This is for an Essay!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Jaret, Jun 12, 2010.

  1. Jaret

    Jaret

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    Please, I know you guys are EPIC and HELPFUL when helping. I wrote an essay that I'm planning to send to... and maybe win a 1000 dollars! Now, the theme is "My role in Creating a peaceful world", and I wrote the essay. Now, as English isn't my main language, I maybe F***ed up here or there. Please show me the typos you've found, or even better. If you can get some Phrase to be better than the old one, write it down as a comment.
    Here's the essay (Word count: 795 (limit is 800))
    My role in creating a more peaceful world

    The world We live in changes from day to day and becomes a more complex and complicated system. While I’m growing up, I try to watch everything happening in the world as a series of causes and consequences. There are so many questions, so many doubts, so many contradictions. Planet Earth is a beautiful gift from God. Its beauty is indescribable, its wealth of diverse, and everything is in perfect harmony. The sky above us is so wide and endless.
    Nevertheless, we have witnessed constant clashes and fights among the people. Misunderstandings, hostility, aggressiveness, anxiety, distrust and dissatisfaction. That doesn’t stop any conflicts and wars. Voice of reason often dies before a human aggression, greed and discontent. This path is the path of no return and the road to self-destruction.
    I’m fourteen years old. I already know that peace will not come by itself. I also know that a fight does not necessarily mean violence. On the contrary, violence almost always reveals and shows the weakness and impotence of those who implement it. We take pride in the fact that we belong to the most perfect kind on earth, We have people that are characterized by wit and intellect, then we must show that one each other. We can and must do it at every step. There is inevitably conflict in a family already. If you strive to show tenderness, attention, understanding, dedication, conflicts will be solved. Also, We can solve problems in school. The best way is not doing to others what you do not want someone to do to you. Then you will know how to proceed without faltering. Every man is a story for himself. We are different in many ways. By view of life, the religious and ethnic backgrounds, the skin-color, the mentality. These differences should not be a cause for rejection and hatred, and especially not for the conflict. On the contrary, they may be inexhaustible riches and more reason to know and accept each other. Unfortunately, the reality is often quite different. All the talk about equality, goodness, tolerance and freedom for all and in practical life we do everything possible to thwart the other in order to build your happiness on someone else's misfortune. I am sad because of this hypocrisy. But don’t lose hope. I will build myself as a person who will give at least a small contribution to human’s progress towards the peace in the world. I wonder what I currently can do. First of all, I have to make efforts to get better with it. I love science, I plan to deal with it, and my knowledge should never be used either against people or against the planet on which I live. I will try to do it in a perfect harmony with the welfare of mankind. I love foreign languages. I learn them so I could understand people around the world, meet their culture, their way of life and thinking. I learn to discover the universal language of the human heart. Men, no matter where they came from, have their own desires, dreams and needs. That shouldn’t be affected by color, nationality, or any other difference. So little is needed in order to understand. I want to know the secrets that keep a rich and unexplored bosom of this wonderful planet on which We live, secrets of Amazon, Tibet, Siberia, Alaska, deserts and oases, secrets of the Middle and Far East. I know that knowledge is the strongest weapon in the fight but not against someone, but for someone. If you meet someone who knows more than you, learn what is good, if you meet someone who does not know much, share it with him. Stand on the side of justice, knowledge, protection of the weak, helpless and ignorant. Help people in need! That's what makes us all human beings. That makes us human in happiness and in sorrow.
    Here I’m thinking and translating my thoughts to words on this sheet of paper how to contribute to peace in the world. This is my message to all people, that somewhere in Novi Pazar, somewhere in the Balkans, lives a boy who believes in human virtues, love, justice, a boy who harbors the hope that further progress of mankind serves the common human good, that will be addressed in future issues of tolerance and in a peaceful way, that We will unite our forces to one because the survival of human society has become so closely linked, and depends so much on each other’s opinions. We must not allow it.


    Tell me what you think, and... that's it :D

    AFTER EDIT: I SENT THE ESSAY ALREADY. SO, no need to post here anything.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2010
  2. MortAr

    MortAr

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    Why to help you when I won't have any profits from it and you will get $1000 ?
     
  3. Jaret

    Jaret

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    Well... You'll get rep :D

    Well, nothing now... I've sent the essay as it is, and... well, that's it. I Pray to God to get something.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2010
  4. Miss_Foxy

    Miss_Foxy

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    I'll Help You Win The Prize:)

    Maybe we should help out a fellow member, you'd be doing a really good deed if you do:)

    Overall, I found your story to be quite convincing and quite good in terms of your intentions:)

    I typed in too late... ):

    Sorry to hear that you've already submitted your entry, but I'll still put in some effort into correcting some errors which would help the essay to be suitable for submission, I hope you wouldn't mind!

    The words in bold on the next paragraph would be those that you need to correct to, the rest aren't needed in your correction.

    So, I'll help you by doing it in a more organised format, by using numbers:

    1. The word 'We' should be spelled with a small 'W', like this: "we".

    2. After the word 'system' and the Full Stop, type in "as time goes by" to indicate when the World becomes a more complicated system.

    3. The word 'I'm' should be in past tense, as in "I was".

    4. How often do you do it, write in "I'd usually", for "I would usually".

    5. Add in a "that is" as it refers to something that happens in the World.

    6. Change the comma ',' into 'and', because it is the final phrase of the sentence.

    7. There should be something to be wealthy of that's diverse, so add in the word 'resources'.

    8. The words 'symphony' or 'unity' could also fit in.

    9. Change 'wide and endless' to 'full of possibilities', it could fit better.

    10. Change the sentence to 'However, they don't', it is more appropriate.

    11. This is linked to 10.

    12. There should be a 'The' in front to state that there's only one of the specific thing in the world.

    13. Rephrase it to "is the path of no return", it sounds way better.

    14. "I am fourteen this year" would make it sound convincing.

    15. Remove the Full Stop and insert an 'and' over the phrase.

    16. 'type of Earth' could make it sound better:)

    17. 'who must show that to one another', grammar!

    18. 'of the way' or 'of our lives' could be added too.

    19. "already an inevitable conflict within families", rephrasing it would make it sound more grammatically correct.

    20. Adding a 'then' in front would be good too:)

    Here's a bit of
    You Might Not Like This... ):
    Homework

    Which could help you practice your English a little too:)

    Try to find out the remaining errors, I hope this helps!
     
  5. Jaret

    Jaret

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    Oh, no... Yesterday was the last day of school... DON'T even mention the word HOMEWORK right now. I'm SERIOUS :p
    Thanks anyway... You mentioned just things that would make it look a little prettier. I suppose you didn't notice the Word count (795 I think it was (The limit is 800).
    And, BTW... I translated this text from Serbian in which I wrote it originally.
     
  6. Kimbo

    Kimbo

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    Wait... you want people to edit your contest entry, while linking them to where you are going to send it? :|

    Didnt you ever think someone might just steal your essay or plagiarize it?...

    Something doesnt seem right here..hmm..
     
  7. Jaret

    Jaret

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    Not like you say it. I wanted to see if some of you know English better than I do... And help me a little. Right now I would like someone to graveyard this thread...
     
  8. Miss_Foxy

    Miss_Foxy

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    I sound like a thief... =X
    Don't worry about it, I hardly have the intentions (Or the attention span) to plagiarize your work just to stand a chance to win a thousand dollars, plus I have minor problems recently ):