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Markus the bounty hunter - Story of the seven deatn vaults. (story)

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Level 8
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Meh... i was bored had to much inspiration and was thinking about my project so meh i started writing and here it is! Markus the bounty hunter story i'm gonna make it a Book! :friends:

Markus the bounty hunter
Story of the seven Death vaults



I will always remember that night, that night my parents where killed. It was all silent and still when of a sudden masses of werewolves came running out of the forest. It was chaos everywhere. My dad came running into the room and told me to run to the stables and take Mirage. I had to ride as far away as possible. I ran I ran as fast as I could, I was crying… I was o scared! Screams everywhere. And then that one wolf. He had big red eyes and was looking right at me. I was shaking whit fear as he came running down to me. And then… My father sacrificed his life to safe me. His last words where “I love you son, now GO!”. I ran as fast as possible, I reached the stables and jumped onto mirage. When I looked back a saw my mom crashing over the body of my dad. I wanted to go back but a hand grabbed me from behind, “leave them boy. There is no hope for them. He led my horse away, in the weeks following we arrived at a camp in the woods. I got accepted in the community and they trained me as a soldier. In those years I forgot my name and started calling myself Markus, after my dad.

The years quickly went by as I was trained in Axe fighting and I soon reached the Age of 15, I had nothing more to learn they taught me all they knew. Not so bad anyway. The days where getting boring and I desired for something new, Helping people! I wanted to join the army and fight any threat of the Empire! so I left, I left and went to Selena. I joined the Army and quickly grew ranks from a new recruit to sergeant. I was one of the best soldiers they had. Me and my company had killed more werewolves than 5 other companies together. The lands where getting cleansed. Slowly but steady. I served my 4 years, and then I said goodbye. No one wanted me to leave, but I had. I wanted to. My inner desire was not gone. No, it even grow stronger! And then I knew what I wanted! I wanted to kill that one werewolf. Mirakth they called him now. Mirkath means “Killer” in the ancient language of the empire. I finally knew what I had to do. And I would not rest until I did it!

20 years later.

It’s a beautiful morning in the Aano forest The sun is rising and the Dew on the ground reflects the light, The birds are singing and the woods are awakening. And somewhere in the forest Markus is sleeping, in his tent. After a long day of travelling before. A few 100 meters back on the road a salesman is singing a song while travelling.

The morning is so good today the morning is so bright! In Aano safety comes for you but you shouldn’t take it ligh! For when the night comes werewolves howl and yes you should be scared! But when the sun comes over the trees, the safety will return!

What’s this? A tent? Hello is anyone here!?” the salesman walks around and ticks on the tent flaps to see if anyone is in the tent. “leave me alone” Markus yells. The salesman steps back a bit frightened. “you don’t have to yell at me you sir. It’s a beautiful morning and I don’t like to travel alone so I was wondering if maybe you could travel whit me?” Markus sits up and opens his tend to look at the salesman. “Hrmpf… what’s your name?” the Man looks at Markus whit a wondering head and then says, “my name sir? I have many names. Some call me mister sing a lot, other call me Miki, but I like to call myself mike.” He looks up to the tree crowns and smiles. “yes a beautiful morning indeed. But if I may ask, what’s your name sit?” Markus takes a deep breath and looks around. “my name is Markus, I’m a bounty hunter. I’m here to revenge the Death of my father. I’m here to kill Mirkath.” He goes back inside and gets changed. He takes his Axe and crawls outside his tent sitting on the ground. “are you hungry mike?” mike looks surprised at Markus and says, “hmm no thanks I already ate. Aldo I do want to accompany you to Mard for the rest of the Journey alright?” Markus takes some food and starts Packing his tent. “yeps tpaths alpright wpith mpe” Markus ways whit a mouth full of food. Mike looks disgusted but still starts laughing. “hahaha, you probably are a real soldier right? here let me help you whit the tent.” Mike walks over to Markus and helps him packing the tent. “Lets get going then” Markus says and he takes another bite of his bread. “yes lets get going” Mike starts walking and Markus follows him.

To be continued…
 
Level 11
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A really, really good story, I enjoyed reading it. You have a very solid and good story, albeit a little overused, but with the right style of writing and the right characters you can completely ignore that. You had a few mistakes here and there, but that doesn't matter much, they can easily be fixed. The importance is the story and good characters, which you definitely have, so the rest that watch this part of the forum and I would love to read the continuation of this story. You said you were going to write a book about it, so you should not think twice and get to work. Believe me, you won't regret it [:
 
Level 7
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Apr 9, 2008
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Positive:
+ It's silly!
+ Werewolves!
+ Bounty Hunters!

Negative:
Well, first off, the pace was very awkward. You really only have one line of description in the entire thing, which comes out weirdly. Everything comes in really fast. The entire backstory of Markus is done in a paragraph, his entire military history done in less.

Next thing, the very strange dialogue. Within five seconds of meeting one another, Markus explains his lifelong goal of vengeance to 'mister sing a lot'.

Grammar. This is the easiest thing to fix, at least!

The story in general, well, it's rather cliched. Young boy watches parents die, grows up to become a powerful hero, find a comic relief to aid him on his journeys, and goes on a slay-a-palooza. I apologize if my opinion is insulting, but I don't find any interest. There's so little description or development in these tiny paragraphs, that try to explain so much, that I can't help but feel completely disconnected from the characters.

I would say keep working, especially on your grammar and vocab. Any story looks a million times better if everything is spelled correctly and there are no screw-ups in the grammar department (punctuation is fun). Also try to describe more, and make your characters a little deeper, not just "I am a great warrior with a trouble past who seeks vengeance," because that's like 50% of all online fantasy short stories.
 
Level 8
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thanks for feedback i was on 2 week vacation and was not able to write for 2 weeks so i'll have to get into it again. 'if i even ever was into it.) about to gram and vocab probs. :/ ye they will always be a problem. dyslexia and writing doesn't go together. meh well IDC, i will probably soon give the second part.

Continuation:

As time went the duo arrived at Bonan toll bridge. The sun can be seen shining tru to tree tops. By it’s position it looks like it’s almost noon. As they arrive they ignore the guards and just walk by them. “Hey you two there! Where you think you going! The Bridge can only be passed when you pay 200 Gold!” the guard spits on the ground and pushes Markus back. “Hrmpf you’d better don’t push me again mister! Or you will meet my axe down your little hole!” Markus said. “euhm… now now! Don’t get to aggressive Markus” he turns to the guard and gives him the 200 Gold. “but… I don’t have that money! I’m a damn Hero! I’m responsible for the Death of most werewolves around here!” he looks at the guard whit an angry face.
“I don’t care if you’re a hero or not! This is private property 200 Gold or you will not pass!” Marskus grabs to his axe but then mikes come between them “leave it Markus… just go and earn the money for a bit.” Markus puts back his Axe and then says, “Yes… your right. So this is where our roads split again.” He looks at Mike and offers his hand. Mike does the same, and so they say goodbye. “I hope we meet again young bounty hunter!”

As the days go by Markus does some Jobs for the guards to earn his money, when one day he has to go into the forest to cut some wood. Suddenly he hears an Angelic voice “Markus! Come here Markus!” he turns around from where the voice came and then he hears laughing behind him. He turns around again and the laughing starts to move away. He follows the sound, constantly he hears “Markus! Hahahaha! Markus come Markus!”. And then suddenly he is on an Open place a little wooden house is standing there in the Shadows of the tree and an Old woman is sitting on a bench in the under the trees. “I have been expecting you Markus… now come here, come closer don’t be afraid.” Markus slowly moves closer and then asks, “Who are you” the woman looks up and says “my name is of no importance… what is important markus that I can see the future, And your future does not bring any good.” Markus looks at the woman and whit a strange voice he says, “You’re a witch are you not?” The woman looks up and laughs kindly, “Witch is such an ugly word! I prefer to call myself a sorcerer.” Markus laughs… “Yes of course you do” he says. He then looks at the house and asks “do you live here?” The woman looks around “Yes I live here, Nice an cosy I have lived here for about all my life.” Willow looks around and smiles. “yes this is a beautiful place. But now was it you who called me?” he looks a bit confused at the lade. “call you?” she sais, “No I did not call you. The spirits did.” Markus sighs, “yes spirits of course… a crazy theory from a crazy sorcerer.” He sits down and then asks, “Wy in Gods name would the spirits call for me?”

Again... to be continued.

Kind regards,
Yours Phoonix.
 
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Level 8
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hmm my comp broke down so haven't been able to write for a while. but once i get it back up i wil start on the 3th part :)
 
Level 6
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As dahko explained, the story does have cliche to it.

As for Markus, obvious hero is obvious. People don't become bounty hunters to become heroes, they usually become bounty hunters to make a living without having to shape their life up or join an army (usually due to laziness). I would definately recommend working on his character more.
 
Level 8
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he diddn't become bounty hunter to become a hero. he became one to have vengeance for his parents, to fight evil creatures. not for fame but for inner satisfaction. he joined the army fpr same purpose but the army was to strict and not always good either. he's very unknown he clears some jobs and leaves whit his reward, he's realy a lone wolf no hero at all!
 
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lol that was his duty. nothing more, it doesn't make him a Hero. a hero in this world would be someone whit great prestations and long service, he did the time you have to do when signing a contract in the army and left, he was active on local area and yes he did kill many werewolves as so did others.
no he is no hero, be sure of that.
 
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