• 🏆 Texturing Contest #33 is OPEN! Contestants must re-texture a SD unit model found in-game (Warcraft 3 Classic), recreating the unit into a peaceful NPC version. 🔗Click here to enter!
  • It's time for the first HD Modeling Contest of 2024. Join the theme discussion for Hive's HD Modeling Contest #6! Click here to post your idea!

Story - Mystery of the death rods

Status
Not open for further replies.
Level 8
Joined
Nov 14, 2008
Messages
2,174
Mystery of the Death rods


prologue
Part1
The darkness and cold spread through marvel forest like the wind that blows trough the trees. these trees, that once stood proud and tall against the night sky, seemed to weep in sorrow. this was once known to be the kings personal hunting ground, but now the forest is filled whit darkness. The once majestic trees now are corrupted and leafless, the smell of rotting and decaying flesh and the stench of wretched creatures fills the air. The ground is dark and poisoned, no grass can grow on these soils no flowers can bloom. Even moss cannot grow here. Instead thorns and other lifeless things occupy the forests ground. The howling of wolves can be heard and a lost and lonely deer looks up preparing to run when he has to, the wolves slowly surround the deer hiding in the shadows and prepare to attack. Suddenly a flash of light appears, the deer scared by the light runs of and disappears into the shadows, at the exact same moment the wolf jumps towards the center of the light. Another flash this time of red light the wolf falls on the ground dead. As the light fades a long shape can be seen in the shadow, it appears to be a hooded man wearing long black robes staring at the dead wolf. The man sniffs and looks around for a few minutes, as if he is looking for something then another flash of light appears and another hooded man wearing exactly the same robe appears “Ah finally there you are, I thought you might have lost me.” The man who just appeared looks up and spits onto the ground of disgust “Me? Lose you, I wouldn’t be able to lose you even if you went you fastest. Bah!” the first man smiles and starts to walk “come we already are late and as I remember the master wasn’t really pleased whit your results on our last mission, you should not give him another reason to punish you.” The second man follows and grunts “If it wasn’t for you I would have caught that lowly peasant, you just slowed me down.” The first man laughs out loud and says “Of course you would have that is why I needed to come back to get you, but it does not matter anymore now. I heard we gathered enough peasants to perform the ritual. Finally our revenge will come my brother. Take haste now, I can already feel the flame of vengeance burn inside of me” Both men pick up the pace and after a couple of minutes they arrive at an open spot in the forest, an altar stands in the middle surrounded be cultists wearing dark robes. On the other side of the open spot a throne made out of black marble can be seen. On it a man dressed completely in black wearing a mask and hood holding a long staff whit a skull on top is sitting. On both sides of the throne two guards stand made out of the remains of dead humans, their bones hold together by dark magic, on the bones the remains of human flesh started to decay, their eyes stare into the void in witch they were created. Their armor is broken their shields shattered and their swords rusted. On the left side of the altar near the edge of the open spot a cage filled whit humans stands, their fear is made into the power by these undead warriors. The two men walk towards the throne and kneel about two feet in front of it “Why did you summon us Master.” The man in the throne looks at the two in silence for a few moments and then starts to speak whit a high and cold voice that could pierce the mind of any weak mortal “Ah Garmen, Freigh You finally arrived. As you both might know some difficulties arose due to some failed harvests, if everything had went according to plan the ritual would have started a week ago already.” The man in the throne looks a the second man “I Suppose you know what I am talking about Freigh.” Freigh looks up and says “Of course master, I am terribly sorry I didn’t…” the man and the throne slams his staff onto the ground and screams “Silence! I will not take excuses from you no longer! Fail me once more and you will be severely punished, we do not have time for mistakes. I have worked towards this moment for to long the see it ruined by the incompetence of my own followers!” he then calms down again and starts to talk normal again “Luckily your brother here is not so incompetent, and thanks to him the ritual was only delayed by one week. Garmen if you would be so kind to lead the ritual?” The first man looks up to his master and then to his brother “Of course Master it would be my pleasure.” He stands up and walks towards the altar. The altar as well is made out of black marble covered whit a red cloth and on it a ceremonial knife decorated whit gold. Garmen takes of his hood and mumbles an incantation, He then points to one of the guards guarding the throne wo then walk towards the cage and pick out five peasants. The skeletons lead them into the circle around the altar and the cultist immediately starts singing another incantation. Garmen picks up the ceremonial knife and walks towards one of the peasants, grabs him by his neck and holds him over the altar. Then in one fell sweep he cuts the peasants throat. Decapitated the peasant falls on the ground. miles from this place in Selena City a 12 year old boy named Uris wakes up from the most terrible nightmare he ever had.

Part2
Uris woke up, he just had one of the most scary nightmares he ever had. Uris rubs his forehead and realized he was sweating like a pig. Uris lived in a small hut he made whit his brother of some rubble and broken planks picked up from the street. He is poor and lives alone whit his older brother. It is a hard life in Selena, the everyday struggle to get enough food, the passengers that look down on you, but worst of all would be not having the care of real parents. Outside of the hut there is a small and rusty fire tub they could use for warmth and cook some food on, around it the ground is full of leftover animal bones. It smelled like urine which was not a surprise, animals could just walk around freely. Uris yawned and looked around, there was no sign of his brother. As usual he probably went fishing just outside of town. Just as uris wanted to leave he heard his brother yelling his name. “Brother you’re back! … and have no fish… as usual. What happened this time Mansen?” Mansen sigs “the guards took it, I had no choice. I don’t plan on spending the rest of my life in the castle dungeons.” Uris sighs “your just a chicken… never doing anything about those stupid guards. You can outrun them! I know you can, you’re the fastest in the whole city!” Mansen smiles “no little brother, they would just shoot me in the back. And then you would be all alone out here.” Uris kicks over a bucket and walks away angry because they don’t have anything to eat, again. As he walks sown the streets and looks around his eye catches three fish hanging outside the guards office. “those are my brothers fish! I have to get them back. But how… the guards will see me if I just take them and run away, oh I have an idea!” Uris runs over to the guards office and yells “sir guard, sir guard! There is a man being robbed two blocks away, you have to help him!” two guards come outside of the office “where are they boy!?” Uris points down the streets and says “there only two blocks away! There is a man being robbed by two thieves” the guards run off and Uris watches them go, as they run out of sight he climbs on a box and try’s to take the fish “just a little bit higher… Yes! I have them!” as he want’s to climb of the box he sees a glimp of moor food in the chest near the doo of the office. Uris walks towards the chest and opens it, it is stuffed whit food fit for royalty salted pork, roasted beef, bread filled whit corns, even sugar! Uris takes what he can carry. as he try’s to turn around to run away hears someone yelling behind him “Hey boy! what do you think you’re doing!? Stealing food are we?” Uris turns around and says “No, it’s mine! you stole it from me and my brother!” as he stops speaking he is looking right into the eyes of General Melrik, the head of the Selenia legion 10th division of the grand army. The 10th division is one of the best trained and strongest divisions on the whole army, and he Uris was caught be it’s general. What else could go wrong! “oh so I stole your food did i? you are accusing me of being a thief?” uris swallows and says “euhm, eh no sir I just… I mea.. I meant the guards stole it.” Melrik laughs “don’t be frightened boy, just give me the food and I will let you off. You don’t expect me to arrest a child do you?” Uris frowns angrily “No! it’s mine and I keep it.’ He then turns around and walks away, right into the hands of the captain of the guard. “Oh, Melrik… what do we have here. A General of the grand army who does not arrest a thief? That’s not going to look good on your record.” Melrik looks at the captain “Let him go soldier! He’s just a kid, and from the reports I have heard I can believe that what he is saying is probably true! So let him go.” The captain laughs “you have no authority over me, we are not in your 10th division. I’m a member of the city guard, under direct order of the governor” The captain then turns to Uris “Come here boy give me that, tomorrow you will be walking to the gallows if it’s up to me! I should have recongnized you from the beginning. Your that little brat. We’ve been liking for you for days, stealing everything you can get your little hands on.” he grabs Uris by his arm and drags him into the office and put’s him in a cell. “enjoy your miserable life while you can because it might end tomorrow.”

Part3
Uris gets thrown onto the cells floor whit the door locked behind him. “Let me out! You can’t lock me here!” Uris kept yelling for help but after a while he gave up, he crawled into a corner of the cell and took an old dirty amulet from under his shirt. He held it between his hands and started praying. He sat there, only praying whispering words of comfort to himself. Until after many hours he fell asleep. The next morning Uris wakes up, he yawns and looks around. To his own surprise he isn’t in his Cell anymore. He is laying in a comfortable bed in a big room, the walls are decorated whit tapestries bearing the mark of the Royal armada. In the middle of the chamber there is a table, on it there is a plate whit some bread, milk and a basket of apples. On both sides of the door at the other side of the room two armors stand for decoration. On the little night locker besides his bed there are some clean clothes and a small note

You should wear wear these clothes to appear in front of the council. All will be explained later.

Captain Melrik Odus,
Paladin & General of the 10th Division.

Uris looks at the clothes. A tunic made by some of the finest cloth, in a beige color. A brown woolen trouser and a nice decorated leather belt. The boot’s are made out of a black leather whit straps at the side. He had never wore clothes that were so new. Uris got dressed and realized he was starving. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t have anything to eat since two days. He took some bread and started to eat. He then takes a bite of one of the apples, one of the finest he ever ate. Probably apples from the royal gardens. After a few minutes a maiden enters the room “Ah so you’re awake, about time. I haven’t seen anyone sleep that long. She walks over to the curtains and opens them lightening up the room. Stands up and follows her whit his eyes. She smiles ate him “Don’t be afraid, Sir Melrik should be here any moment.” She then takes Uris’s filthy clothes and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Uris walks towards the window and looks outside, he could overlook the whole city from here! But… why was he in the castle? He fell asleep in a jail and wakes up in a castle, how could that happen? Uris awakes from his thoughts when he hears voices outside of the room. “so what is this important business you wanted to speak to me about Melrik, it sounded important.” “Yes, I found an unusual amount of power, some of the biggest I have ever seen. I can’t explain it. I should just show it.” Uris stares at the door when Melrik and another man enter the room “Ah Uris, you’re awake, I want you to meet my friend and superior. He is Paladin captain Ecron. Now this might sound very strange to you but… how to explain this” Melrik is brutally interrupted as Captain Ecron starts to speak “wait what? Melrik are you saying that… that this boy is your so called source of power? He is why I had to come here whit all haste?” Melrik smiles at Ecron “Yes captain, he is. All will be revealed in time. Now Uris Captain if you would pleas follow me to the main hall so that Uris can appear in front of the council” Melrik takes Uris by the shoulder and pushes him forward into the hallway. The hallway is decorated whit archways and pedestals at the side. the sealing enchanted so that it shows a sunny sky at all times. After a few minutes they reach a big door decorated with elfish symbols, they stop in front of it. Melrik kneels before Uris and says “wait here until you here your name, then enter. Then both Melrik and Ecron walk into the main hall. After a few minutes Uris hears his name and enters the Main hall. The main hall is a long chamber at the end in the middle there is a small throne where the governor sits and at both sides of him the three paladin lords stand, Melrik and Ecron stand at the other side of the room against the wall. In the middle of the room there stands a chair “Pleas step to the middle of the room and stand in front of the chair.” Uris looks around to see who said that and then realizes it was one of the paladin lords. Uris does as he is told and stands in front of the chair, Nervous and whit a strange feeling. Then the voice starts speaking again “Pleas tell us your name” Uris looks around and swallows “My name is Uris.” After those words a silence falls “Yes Uris and you last name boy?” The paladin lord says. “I don’t know sir, I have never known my last name.” The paladins frown and stare at Uris. After a minutes of silence they continue “Aha… you don’t remember.” The paladin that spoke looks at Melrik. “well Uris, we have been told that you have an unusual source of power, could you show us?” Uris stares at the paladins. “wha… what do you mean by source of power? I’m sorry sir I don’t know what you mean.” The paladins stare at Uris once again “Aha… you don’t know. Well Uris our good friend Melrik here has told us that you showed an unusual display of power yesterday. Don’t you remember anything?” Uris shakes his head “No sir, all I remember is that I was thrown in Jail and then I woke up here in this castle.” Another silence. “Aha… well then maybe we should do some tests to see this so called power. Melrik, give him the trainee’s sword.” Melrik steps forward and takes a sword from the table next to him. He then walks towards Uris and hands him the sword. “Take the sword Uris” Uris takes the swords and Melrik walks back to his place against the wall. “Now…” the governer starts to speak “Uris, hold the sword in your right hand against your chest and speak after me.” Uris nods “OK then. I Uris, swear whit my hearth to obey the will of the light, whit this sword I shall show thy my power. Eloknastra” Uris repeats the words and when he finishes the runes on the sword start to emit light. “Now Uris, in front of you stands the pedestal of trials, stick the trainee’s sword in the pedestal. And then say the word, Erostin. If you have done that you will try to pull the sword back out. If you succeed we shall know if you are worthy if being a paladin or not.” Uris does as he is told and sticks the sword in the pedestal. He says the spell and steps back. “now Uris, when you are ready… pull the sword back out.” Uris takes a deep breath grabs the handle and pulls. Nothing happens. He looks at the paladins, “Pleas Uris keep trying, don’t expect it to come out at the first try.” He nods and pulls again.. Nothing happens, “Pull whit your hearth Uris not whit your arms.” Uris looks around to find out who said that. But nobody moved nobody spoke. Once again the voice spoke “don’t be afraid Uris, just pull whit your hearth.” He closed his eyes and whiteout thinking pictured the sword in front of him and pulled whiteout putting strain on his arms. He felt the sword gliding out of the pedestal and keeps his balance just in time. He then opens his eyes and sees he pulled out the sword. Silence falls over the room, they all stare at Uris. The governor is the first to say something “That was… impressive Uris.” The governor looks at Uris “that was… really impressive.” the governor stops speaking then and just stares at Uris as if he is pondering over something, he then regains his normal way of acting and starts to speak again ‘I will watch your career whit great interest Uris, as of now you are officially a paladin trainee. May the light be upon you boy.

5 Years have passed since that day, and Uris has been training to become a paladin for 5 years also. He was one of the best students of his year, a very unusual amount of power he possessed. And the paladin council saw great thins in him. And what about his brother? When Uris heard the news that he would become a paladin he asked the council to let his brother travel whit them. The council agreed but couldn’t find him anywhere. he disappeared, for 3 days they searched but he was nowhere to be found.

Chapter 1
Part 4
Uris is walking trough the Erion woods, looking for something or someone. His mentor was not very clear as to what it is Uris should do. This was his final test before he graduated. He then would become a real paladin. Uris walked for a few more minutes, looking around enjoying the nature. The sound of the birds, the wind blowing trough the trees softly. After some time he reaches an open stop in the forest where a chapel stands. The chapel is build in the ancient style, whit beautiful curved stones, the door decorated whit emeralds, he felt that he had reached his destination. Uris walks up to the chapel, and as he moves closer he can see a hooded woman in white robes stands in front of it, she is blindfolded yet she stands there staring at Uris as if she can see him. As he looks closer he can see the robes are decorated whit weird symbols that he cannot read. The woman approaches him “Welcome Uris to the chapel of Merios. You must be wondering what you are doing here, but that is something I cannot tell you. I am not the one you seek, I sought out you. I have waited for this day to come for a very ling time, and now it has finally arrived.” Uris is stunned, how did the woman know his name, and how did she know he was going to be here? As he thinks over those two questions the woman answer “I know your name for I have met you before, in my dreams. And I know that you would be here because I have seen it, in time. Your path will lead to things you could not even start to imagine, but you have to be careful. That is why I am here, I have come to warn you. Uris, you must not believe everything the paladins tell you. For even they have secrets, secrets that are so dark they must never see the light of day.” Uris now looks suspicious “why should I trust you woman? And if I do, how will I know when not to believe them. “That is something I cannot tell you, it is something you have to know for yourself. I have to go now, but be assured… we will meet again.” The woman walks past Uris and whispers something in his ear as she does “Estrandir” Uris turns around “what di…” but she was gone. She vanished in thin air. He then hears another voice and once again turns around “who where you talking to boy?” he is looking at a monk “nobody padre, nobody…” the monk smiles, you must be the young paladin I have been informed was coming here.” Uris smiles back “Yes I am, do you have my task?” The monk sticks his hands into his garb “let me see for a second, ah yes… here it is.” He shows the paper to Uris, it’s a drawing of an artifact, a necklace. It is similar to the amulet he has “do you know what that is paladin?” Uris thanks “no I don’t think I know padre.” The monk smiles again “This paladin is an ancient artifact, a phylactery. An soul amulet, it contains one soul. You could compare it to your body, your soul cannot live whiteout it.” Uris is surprised “You are talking about the undead! A Lich is known to have a phylactery! If it survives he can regenerate his body!” The monk nods “Yes very good, tough not only liches use these artifacts. This one belonged to an creature of old. A species that died out then thousand years ago, it still contains the soul of one of those species, tough it is damaged. Making the soul unable to generate a body. However it is useful for your training. You will communicate whit the soul inside the phylactery. When you have done that, you passed your test.” Uris nods “Yes padre, where can I find this phylactery?” The monk points to the chapel “Inside boy, on the altar.”Uris enters the chapel, the windows are decorated whit drawings of angels, and trimmed whit gold, on both sides of the altar a silver challis whit golden marks stand, and behind the altar the candle of hope is burning silently. Uris walks towards the altar and takes the amulet from it, studying it carefully. As he saw on the drawing it is similar to his own amulet, tough this one is emitting light, the side of the amulet is cracked, witch prevents the light from activating the markings on the amulet. He closes his eyes and sees the amulet before him. He then try’s to connect whit it trough meditation. A whispering voice then appears in his head “Estrandir, I know you would come. I have been waiting for you!” a shock wave goes trough Uris his body and he can see the vague shape of a winged creature before him. Then he wakes up “paladin! Paladin!” Uris looks around he is back in the chapel, the monk his kneeling besides him. Apparently he fell onto the floor. The chalices are knocked over the candle blown out and a window shattered. After a while Uris regains his normal self “what happened here padre?” The monk looks surprised “You don’t know? You somewhat destroyed the place! And… you destroyed the phylactery.” Uris looks at the amulet, and indeed. It is broken in half. “however I think you did pass the test, when I came in here you were in a state something between meditation and shock. I never saw anything quite like it.”
a story i am working of feedback is always welcome. also if you see any grammar errors pleas do tell.
hope you like it. more to come
 
Last edited:
Level 19
Joined
Mar 16, 2009
Messages
3,681
You have multiple sentences in one sentence.

It is a dark and cold night in the mervel forest the trees here once stood proud and tall above the ground this was once known to be the kings personal hunting ground but now the forest is filled whit darkness.

My version.

It is a dark and cold night in the mervel forest, the trees here once stood proud and tall above the ground.. This was once known to be the king's personal hunting ground, but now the forest is filled with darkness.

See my point? :p
 
Level 8
Joined
Nov 14, 2008
Messages
2,174
yes that is one of my major problems. i write to long sentence always did and never been able to change it. thanks for pointing it out once i finished on writing my second half i will go over everything and create proper sentence.

Edit: i have gone over the first part again and re-wrote some sentence as well made correct sentence of them.
 
Last edited:
Level 23
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
17,315
Its just the description...
...an altar stands in the middle surrounded be cultists.
On the other side of the open spot a throne made out of marble can be seen. On it a man dressed completely in black wearing a mask and hood holding a long staff whit a skull on top is sitting. On both sides of the throne skeleton warriors stand, guarding it and on the left side of the altar near the edge of the open spot a cage filled whit humans stands.
 
Level 8
Joined
Nov 14, 2008
Messages
2,174
Part2
Uris woke up, he just had one of the most scary nightmares he ever had. Uris rubs his forehead and realized he was sweating like a pig. Uris lived in a small hut he made whit his brother of some rubble and broken planks picked up from the street. He is poor and lives alone whit his older brother. It is a hard life in Selena, the everyday struggle to get enough food, the passengers that look down on you, but worst of all would be not having the care of real parents. Outside of the hut there is a small and rusty fire tub they could use for warmth and cook some food on, around it the ground is full of leftover animal bones. It smelled like urine which was not a surprise, animals could just walk around freely. Uris yawned and looked around, there was no sign of his brother. As usual he probably went fishing just outside of town. Just as uris wanted to leave he heard his brother yelling his name. “Brother you’re back! … and have no fish… as usual. What happened this time Mansen?” Mansen sigs “the guards took it, I had no choice. I don’t plan on spending the rest of my life in the castle dungeons.” Uris sighs “your just a chicken… never doing anything about those stupid guards. You can outrun them! I know you can, you’re the fastest in the whole city!” Mansen smiles “no little brother, they would just shoot me in the back. And then you would be all alone out here.” Uris kicks over a bucket and walks away angry because they don’t have anything to eat, again. As he walks sown the streets and looks around his eye catches three fish hanging outside the guards office. “those are my brothers fish! I have to get them back. But how… the guards will see me if I just take them and run away, oh I have an idea!” Uris runs over to the guards office and yells “sir guard, sir guard! There is a man being robbed two blocks away, you have to help him!” two guards come outside of the office “where are they boy!?” Uris points down the streets and says “there only two blocks away! There is a man being robbed by two thieves” the guards run off and Uris watches them go, as they run out of sight he climbs on a box and try’s to take the fish “just a little bit higher… Yes! I have them!” as he want’s to climb of the box he sees a glimp of moor food in the chest near the doo of the office. Uris walks towards the chest and opens it, it is stuffed whit food fit for royalty salted pork, roasted beef, bread filled whit corns, even sugar! Uris takes what he can carry. as he try’s to turn around to run away hears someone yelling behind him “Hey boy! what do you think you’re doing!? Stealing food are we?” Uris turns around and says “No, it’s mine! you stole it from me and my brother!” as he stops speaking he is looking right into the eyes of General Melrik, the head of the Selenia legion 10th division of the grand army. The 10th division is one of the best trained and strongest divisions on the whole army, and he Uris was caught be it’s general. What else could go wrong! “oh so I stole your food did i? you are accusing me of being a thief?” uris swallows and says “euhm, eh no sir I just… I mea.. I meant the guards stole it.” Melrik laughs “don’t be frightened boy, just give me the food and I will let you off. You don’t expect me to arrest a child do you?” Uris frowns angrily “No! it’s mine and I keep it.’ He then turns around and walks away, right into the hands of the captain of the guard. “Oh, Melrik… what do we have here. A General of the grand army who does not arrest a thief? That’s not going to look good on your record.” Melrik looks at the captain “Let him go soldier! He’s just a kid, and from the reports I have heard I can believe that what he is saying is probably true! So let him go.” The captain laughs “you have no authority over me, we are not in your 10th division. I’m a member of the city guard, under direct order of the governor” The captain then turns to Uris “Come here boy give me that, tomorrow you will be walking to the gallows if it’s up to me! I should have recongnized you from the beginning. Your that little brat. We’ve been liking for you for days, stealing everything you can get your little hands on.” he grabs Uris by his arm and drags him into the office and put’s him in a cell. “enjoy your miserable life while you can because it might end tomorrow.”
Part 2, i know it's been long time. but i work on this when i have free time so it goes slow.
 
Last edited:
Level 8
Joined
Nov 14, 2008
Messages
2,174
Part3
Uris gets thrown onto the cells floor whit the door locked behind him. “Let me out! You can’t lock me here!” Uris kept yelling for help but after a while he gave up, he crawled into a corner of the cell and took an old dirty amulet from under his shirt. He held it between his hands and started praying. He sat there, only praying whispering words of comfort to himself. Until after many hours he fell asleep. The next morning Uris wakes up, he yawns and looks around. To his own surprise he isn’t in his Cell anymore. He is laying in a comfortable bed in a big room, the walls are decorated whit tapestries bearing the mark of the Royal armada. In the middle of the chamber there is a table, on it there is a plate whit some bread, milk and a basket of apples. On both sides of the door at the other side of the room two armors stand for decoration. On the little night locker besides his bed there are some clean clothes and a small note

You should wear wear these clothes to appear in front of the council. All will be explained later.

Captain Melrik Odus,
Paladin & General of the 10th Division.

Uris looks at the clothes. A tunic made by some of the finest cloth, in a beige color. A brown woolen trouser and a nice decorated leather belt. The boot’s are made out of a black leather whit straps at the side. He had never wore clothes that were so new. Uris got dressed and realized he was starving. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t have anything to eat since two days. He took some bread and started to eat. He then takes a bite of one of the apples, one of the finest he ever ate. Probably apples from the royal gardens. After a few minutes a maiden enters the room “Ah so you’re awake, about time. I haven’t seen anyone sleep that long. She walks over to the curtains and opens them lightening up the room. Stands up and follows her whit his eyes. She smiles ate him “Don’t be afraid, Sir Melrik should be here any moment.” She then takes Uris’s filthy clothes and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Uris walks towards the window and looks outside, he could overlook the whole city from here! But… why was he in the castle? He fell asleep in a jail and wakes up in a castle, how could that happen? Uris awakes from his thoughts when he hears voices outside of the room. “so what is this important business you wanted to speak to me about Melrik, it sounded important.” “Yes, I found an unusual amount of power, some of the biggest I have ever seen. I can’t explain it. I should just show it.” Uris stares at the door when Melrik and another man enter the room “Ah Uris, you’re awake, I want you to meet my friend and superior. He is Paladin captain Ecron. Now this might sound very strange to you but… how to explain this” Melrik is brutally interrupted as Captain Ecron starts to speak “wait what? Melrik are you saying that… that this boy is your so called source of power? He is why I had to come here whit all haste?” Melrik smiles at Ecron “Yes captain, he is. All will be revealed in time. Now Uris Captain if you would pleas follow me to the main hall so that Uris can appear in front of the council” Melrik takes Uris by the shoulder and pushes him forward into the hallway. The hallway is decorated whit archways and pedestals at the side. the sealing enchanted so that it shows a sunny sky at all times. After a few minutes they reach a big door decorated with elfish symbols, they stop in front of it. Melrik kneels before Uris and says “wait here until you here your name, then enter. Then both Melrik and Ecron walk into the main hall. After a few minutes Uris hears his name and enters the Main hall. The main hall is a long chamber at the end in the middle there is a small throne where the governor sits and at both sides of him the three paladin lords stand, Melrik and Ecron stand at the other side of the room against the wall. In the middle of the room there stands a chair “Pleas step to the middle of the room and stand in front of the chair.” Uris looks around to see who said that and then realizes it was one of the paladin lords. Uris does as he is told and stands in front of the chair, Nervous and whit a strange feeling. Then the voice starts speaking again “Pleas tell us your name” Uris looks around and swallows “My name is Uris.” After those words a silence falls “Yes Uris and you last name boy?” The paladin lord says. “I don’t know sir, I have never known my last name.” The paladins frown and stare at Uris. After a minutes of silence they continue “Aha… you don’t remember.” The paladin that spoke looks at Melrik. “well Uris, we have been told that you have an unusual source of power, could you show us?” Uris stares at the paladins. “wha… what do you mean by source of power? I’m sorry sir I don’t know what you mean.” The paladins stare at Uris once again “Aha… you don’t know. Well Uris our good friend Melrik here has told us that you showed an unusual display of power yesterday. Don’t you remember anything?” Uris shakes his head “No sir, all I remember is that I was thrown in Jail and then I woke up here in this castle.” Another silence. “Aha… well then maybe we should do some tests to see this so called power. Melrik, give him the trainee’s sword.” Melrik steps forward and takes a sword from the table next to him. He then walks towards Uris and hands him the sword. “Take the sword Uris” Uris takes the swords and Melrik walks back to his place against the wall. “Now…” the governer starts to speak “Uris, hold the sword in your right hand against your chest and speak after me.” Uris nods “OK then. I Uris, swear whit my hearth to obey the will of the light, whit this sword I shall show thy my power. Eloknastra” Uris repeats the words and when he finishes the runes on the sword start to emit light. “Now Uris, in front of you stands the pedestal of trials, stick the trainee’s sword in the pedestal. And then say the word, Erostin. If you have done that you will try to pull the sword back out. If you succeed we shall know if you are worthy if being a paladin or not.” Uris does as he is told and sticks the sword in the pedestal. He says the spell and steps back. “now Uris, when you are ready… pull the sword back out.” Uris takes a deep breath grabs the handle and pulls. Nothing happens. He looks at the paladins, “Pleas Uris keep trying, don’t expect it to come out at the first try.” He nods and pulls again.. Nothing happens, “Pull whit your hearth Uris not whit your arms.” Uris looks around to find out who said that. But nobody moved nobody spoke. Once again the voice spoke “don’t be afraid Uris, just pull whit your hearth.” He closed his eyes and whiteout thinking pictured the sword in front of him and pulled whiteout putting strain on his arms. He felt the sword gliding out of the pedestal and keeps his balance just in time. He then opens his eyes and sees he pulled out the sword. Silence falls over the room, they all stare at Uris. The governor is the first to say something “That was… impressive Uris.” The governor looks at Uris “that was… really impressive.” the governor stops speaking then and just stares at Uris as if he is pondering over something, he then regains his normal way of acting and starts to speak again ‘I will watch your career whit great interest Uris, as of now you are officially a paladin trainee. May the light be upon you boy.

5 Years have passed since that day, and Uris has been training to become a paladin for 5 years also. He was one of the best students of his year, a very unusual amount of power he possessed. And the paladin council saw great thins in him. And what about his brother? When Uris heard the news that he would become a paladin he asked the council to let his brother travel whit them. The council agreed but couldn’t find him anywhere. he disappeared, for 3 days they searched but he was nowhere to be found.
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
Part 3- hope you like it and now people PLEASE post something, comments on the story or whatever but... post SOMETHING.
 
Last edited:
Alright, Reading Now. but please, just add the next parts to the first post. and parcel out paragraphs so its not such a wall of text. i'll update when i'm done reading.

Story
Forgive terrible grammar, I am typing quickly.
Each category is a separate reading for beginning to end.

Word Placement (words in relation to each other and other sentences)
“It is a dark and cold night in the marvel forest” Sounds a bit stiff. Try: The darkness and cold spread through marvel forest like the wind. (This may sound strange now, but it will fit in with the next sentence.)

“The trees here once stood proud and tall above the ground” Again, sounds stiff. Try: The trees, that once stood proud and tall against the night sky, seemed to weep in sorrow.

“the forest is filled whit darkness” With is spelt wrong. And you spell it worng a lot. Whit means small, speck grain ect.

“And the stench of werewolves and other monsters fill the air” Fill should be filled or fills. And saying werewolf so early and in a prologue seems too specific, especially considering the mysterious men. Try: The dark stench of evil fills the air.

This section is over, my suggestion is to take these examples and apply them over your whole story. Try and be slightly less stiff.


Story Concept (the story, and how well you told it)

Prolouge starts off very mysteriously, and you start to get introduced to two men, the first people you meet in a story tend to be primary characters, whether protagonist or antagonist. And people tend to become attached to them. You say in the prologue: The first man laughs out loud and says “Of course you would have that is why I needed to come back to get you, but it does not matter anymore now. I heard we gathered enough peasants to perform the ritual. Finally our revenge will come my brother, together whit our master we will acquire the three rods and will become more powerful than we could ever imagine so hurry.” this whole secentance is very revealing to the story, although the end, seems very abrupt. “So hurry?” my suggestion is to make this sound slightly different. You need to describe things more, people would suddenly be surprised by skeleton warriors. Say something like: guarding the throne were warriors of bone, standing silently, their lifeless eyes staring into oblivion… the prologue ends well. Uris’ introduction is good, although more description would be nice. Selena sounds like far too many characters of books I’ve read, maybe a less common name. The cruelty of the guards seems a little unneccisary, try to make the food more than just three fish. Melrik should sound more impressive. Instead of “You let him go!” try: “Let the boy go soldier, and get back to your post, I’m disgusted by your idiocy.” The last part is interesting, but it all seems to go too fast. You should stop and smell the roses as the saying goes. I am interested in seeing how is goes.

Vocabulary (use of words)

My only suggestion, use a larger variation of words. If you have ms word, use the synonym feature.
 
Last edited:
Level 8
Joined
Nov 14, 2008
Messages
2,174
thank you for this refreshing post. i had no idea it sounded so stiff so I'm glad that you pointed it out. and yes i have a problem whit describing, that is probably because English is a foreign language for me, i will try to change that and it probably will. yes the last parts are indeed rushed, that is again because my lack of description as you pointed out earlier. about the two men now, they actually are Main characters tough they won't come back any time soon. end yes i know Selena is a name used allot but since this story plays in a universe i created and Selena is one of the most historical city's in it i can't just change it :/ now i will go over all my text in word and change things so that there is more description. i will lengthen some of the parts to and indeed strengthen Melrik i read it again and as you said it does sound weak.

Thankyou very much, if i wouldn't have given you +rep for something else i would do it again xD

Kind regards,
Yours Phoonix.
 
Level 8
Joined
Nov 14, 2008
Messages
2,174
Part 4
Chapter 1
Uris is walking trough the Erion woods, looking for something or someone. His mentor was not very clear as to what it is Uris should do. This was his final test before he graduated. He then would become a real paladin. Uris walked for a few more minutes, looking around enjoying the nature. The sound of the birds, the wind blowing trough the trees softly. After some time he reaches an open stop in the forest where a chapel stands. The chapel is build in the ancient style, whit beautiful curved stones, the door decorated whit emeralds, he felt that he had reached his destination. Uris walks up to the chapel, and as he moves closer he can see a hooded woman in white robes stands in front of it, she is blindfolded yet she stands there staring at Uris as if she can see him. As Uris looks closer he can see the robes are decorated whit weird symbols that he cannot read. The woman approaches him “Welcome Uris to the chapel of Merios. You must be wondering what you are doing here, but that is something I cannot tell you. I am not the one you seek, I sought out you. I have waited for this day to come for a very ling time, and now it has finally arrived.” Uris is stunned, how did the woman know his name, and how did she know he was going to be here? As he thinks over those two questions the woman answer “I know your name for I have met you before, in my dreams. And I know that you would be here because I have seen it, in time. Your path will lead to things you could not even start to imagine, but you have to be carful. That is why I am here, I have come to warn you. Uris, you must not believe everything the paladins tell you. For even they have secrets, secrets that are so dark they must never see the light of day.” Uris now looks suspicious “why should I trust you woman? And if I do, how will I know when not to believe them. “That is something I cannot tell you, it is something you have to know for yourself. I have to go now, but be assured… we will meet again.” The woman walks past uris and whispers something in his ear as se does “Estrandir” Uris turns around “what di…” but she was gone. She vanished in thin air. He then hears another voice and once again turns around “who where you talking to boy?” he is looking at a monk “nobody padre, nobody…” the monk smiles, you must be the young paladin I have been informed was coming here.” Uris smiles back “Yes I am, do you have my task?” The monk sticks his hands into his garb “let me see for a second, ah yes… here it is.” He shows the paper to Uris, it’s a drawing of an artifact, anecklace. It is similar to the amulet he has “do you know what that is paladin?” Uris thanks “no I don’t think I know padre.” The monk smiles again “This paladin is an ancient artifact, a phylactery. An soul amulet, it contains one soul. You could compare it to your body, your soul cannot live whiteout it.” Uris is surprised “You are talking about the undead! A Lich is known to have a phylactery! If it survives he can regenerate his body!” The monk nods “Yes very good, tough not only liches use these artifacts. This one belonged to an creature of old. A species that died out then thousand years ago, it still contains the soul of one of those species, tough it is damaged. Making the soul unable to generate a body. However it is useful for your training. You will communicate whit the soul inside the phylactery. When you have done that, you passed your test.” Uris nods “Yes padre, where can I find this phylactery?” The monk points to the chapel “Inside boy, on the altar.” Uris enters the chapel, the windows are decorated whit drawings of angels, and trimmed whit gold, on both sides of the altar a silver challis whit golden marks stand, and behind the altar the candle of hope is burning silently. Uris walks towards the altar and takes the amulet from it, studying it carefully. As he saw on the drawing it is similar to his own amulet, tough this one is emitting light, the side of the amulet is cracked, witch prevents the light from activating the markings on the amulet. He closes his eyes and sees the amulet before him. He then try’s to connect whit it trough meditation. A whispering voice then appears in his head “Estrandir, I know you would come. I have been waiting for you!” a shockwave goes trough Uris his body and he can see the vague shape of a winged creature before him. Then he wakes up “paladin! Paladin!” Uris looks around he is back in the chapel, the monk his kneeling besides him. Apparently he fell onto the floor. The chalices are knocked over the candle blown out and a window shattered. After a while Uris regains his normal self “what happened here padre?” The monk looks surprised “You don’t know? You somewhat destroyed the place! And… you destroyed the phylactery.” Uris looks at the amulet, and indeed. It is broken in half. “however I think you did pass the test, when I came in here you were in a state something between meditation and shock. I never saw anything quite like it.”

this is the first part of chapter 1 and the 4th part of the story itself. all before this was the "prologue" i hope you enjoy it and once again. give me feedback... it's very weird that you guys don't post here. or don't post here that often.Kind regards,
Yours Phoonix.
 
Last edited:
Ok, so if i may say, i'm not shure about your wording a prespective. you say 'Uris' too often. refer to him more as 'the young man' or 'him.' it also seems extremely direct. try adding more mystery and drama to it. the part with the woman is mysterious, but i mean your accual writing should have mystery in it. you should not write so literally. instead of bringing everything to the readers attention, let them decide, and figure things out on their own. and then, you may prove them wrong, and their will be a 'twist' to the story in the reader prespectve. part of what makes a story interesting is the reveal. an some of the dialouge seems unrealistic, also the monks reactions are too, In my oppinion.

ALSO -.- you continue to spell with wrong. you spell it Whit, which means speck. grain, tiny. lol.
 
Level 8
Joined
Nov 14, 2008
Messages
2,174
force of habit i suppose. it's hard to change something when you are used to do it another way. and about the mystery, hmm how would you suggest of me doing that? i can't really see how i could. tough once again thanks for the advice.
 
Level 8
Joined
Nov 14, 2008
Messages
2,174
yes thats the whole point. how do i let them assume things more? i mean if i was a reader of this story (witch I'm not eh :/) I would have no clue to watch just happened and i would make quite some assumptions about the woman for instance or what she meant by not trusting the paladins. i mean i do make her say it literaly but did she mean it literaly? that iss the question my friend.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top