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Story for fun

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The dark corridor ran ten meters to a door hanging on its hinge, through that door it led to the sky deck of the ship. The walls and doors of cabins were covered with bloody hand prints and smears, the man standing in the corridor carefully approached the sky-deck door. But two meters away from the door the man stopped when a figure appeared in the frame of the door. The figure’s face was covered with shadow he lumped forward, dragging his left foot with, the man backed away from the figure, the man tripped over a broken chair. He laid there the figure slowly approaching slowly, the man held up his arms in defence. The Figure launched at the defenceless man, but at the last moment the man rolled to the side, the figure was too late to stop he threw himself onto a piece of wood that was places at an angel; it impaled him through the throat. The man stood up and walked over to the impaled body, he pushed the body on its back, the piece of wood still lodged into his throat, but that by far was not the worst feature. The body that once belonged to a man was ripped up, most of the teeth were missing or black, his hair looked as if it was ripped from his skull, and you could actually see blood through all the blood.
He once had two blue eyes but now he only had one, and it was pitch black, his left cheek was not there it was only teeth and flesh, his chest was ripped open and his organs was missing. The man grunted at the Zombie and walked out the door to the sky-deck, the sky deck was like any other five-star-cruiser’s deck would be, there was tables—that once stood upright—with pieces of glass laying spread out all over. There were three hot tubs no filled with water but rather with blood and pieces of human drifting in it.
He was standing on a balcony overlooking the sky deck, there were other humans—still alive—that were picking up the mess made by the Undead.
He walked down a staircase to greet his fellow comrades, he walked over to a man, the man’s hair was blonde, had brown eyes, tall and buff.
“A brother, welcome back” boomed the big man “found any more of those undead bastards”.
“Yes one, but nothing your old brother could not handle” he said and gave a short laugh.
“Do you think that is the last of ‘em, Curtis?” asked the younger brother his tone became serious now.
“No, but we should keep ourselves safe” he turned to a woman, she had long blonde hair, brown eyes and was also tall “Jane we need to get close enough to land before we blow up the ship.”
“Of course brother” she turned to go to the cockpit but Curtis spoke.
“But not to close, eh” he said and smiled.
“Of course” she said and turned.
Curtis turned to his younger brother.
“You need to cover her ‘cay”
“Yes brother” said the younger brother and walked to follow his sister.
Curtis turned around to face the sky-deck bar, he sighed and walked over to it and sat down on a table were earlier he left his beer. He took a sip, it was now warm, he finished it and stood up to go to the bathroom.


This is the first part of a story.
Please leave coments
 
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Sep 2, 2012
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Hey, nice concept! I like the descriptiveness of this passage. Very visual, very bloody and gory~ I definitely liked the beer part hehehe

Just one thing I'd like to point out. As I was reading the introduction, I figured that your intent was to create imagery and suspense:

"The dark corridor ran ten meters to a door hanging on its hinge, through that door it led to the sky deck of the ship. The walls and doors of cabins were covered with bloody hand prints and smears, the man standing in the corridor carefully approached the sky-deck door. But two meters away from the door the man stopped when a figure appeared in the frame of the door."

You did well with the imagery. Suspense is difficult to achieve. I think one of the ways could be to slow down your introduction:

"Just a little bit more, Curtis thought as he trudged through the corridor. He looked behind him. Nothing. He looked ahead. Sweat slid down his face. The light flickered. The door hung from its hinge swaying. Slowly nearing closer, he saw it: a bloody hand print on the door. It merged into a dark, descending smear. The flickering became erratic. The lights failed.

Shit.

The light flickered back on, and the shadowy figure lunged from the darkness. His hand instinctively moved to his empty holster, and he fell over."

You can also see that I'm withholding a lot of information from the reader from the point Curtis being in the corridor to when he encounters the zombie. I'm not sure if this example did well in achieving suspense, but I hope you get the general idea.

I look forward to reading more of your work. =)
 
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