In Legacy of Gorefiend

[Gyrosphinx]

So, at last I decided to write this story. It has been in my mind for a long time, and a campaign about it has been started, though progress is slow. Enjoy!

"In with ya, filthy greenskin! Yer age ain't gonna do ya any good in here!" The warden said, kicking Nurokh into the large cage with the other orcs. The cage was without any roof, and these isles were rainy, very rainy, this was going to be a cold stay. Nurokh was an aging warlock from the almost annihilated Stormreaver clan. He was the brother of the shaman Morg Wolfsong who presumably lived in the newly founded land of Durotar on the coast north-west of here. Pathetic! This was a secret Interment Camp, run by Kul Tiras to keep orcish prisoners in hope of them telling Grand Admiral Proudmoore anything about Durotar. Most of the prisoners here however, had never seen Durotar, they were mostly orcs from the broken isles or orcs who had followed Thralls example and fled from the Eastern Kingdoms by ship, but who had been run ashore by Kul Tiran Frigates. "You alright master?" a towering giant of an orc, nearly nine feet tall, clothed in an ornate hood and lamellar breeches, had just spoken. He held a large hand out, offering to help the old orc up on his feet. "Thank you, Shakar." Nurokh replied, and took Shakar's hand, who helped him up. "It ain't gonna end like this, we orcs have been prisoners long enough on this world."

More to come...

 

[Crazy Cow]

It looks like a good story so far. However, just a few details:
Whenever someone starts dialogue, start a new paragraph. It makes it much easier to read. For example:

Example

"All of those who dare use L337 speak in their stories shall die a fiery death at my hands!" thundered the crazy Tauren standing in the bar.
"Whatz wrong with him, dudez?" muttered someone at the bar. With a roar, the insane Tauren jumped on the leet-speaking offender and smashed his face until it was nothing but a bloody pulp.
"Anyone else?" the Tauren asked.

Also, adding details is good, but having very specific ones (8'9" feet tall, for example) kind of takes away from the idea that you are actually there, looking at the scene. Try changing it to "a towering brute of an Orc, nearly nine feet tall" or something similar. Also, using numbers for anything less than 100 takes away from the professional feel of a story.
Other than that, it's pretty good. Write more and I will certainly read it.

 

[Gyrosphinx]

Thank you for the feedback, I have updated the 8'9'' part, it was a mistake I'm not likely to make again.

 

[naitsirk]

I like the story so far... I am not as experienced as most of the people taht writes here on the hive.(Like you and Crazy Cow)
You wrote Nurok and Nurokh... which i found very strange, fix that
I am a HUGE fan of your stories, and I cant wait to read more of this. I love how you always goes into the Warcraft lore, instead of making up a country/Realm of your own.

I think you can make this story work, and I cant wait to read the full story when its over

 

[Hawkwing]

Looking good so far. I don't care for the slang though (or whatever you would call it). I can't imagine an Orc ever saying "gonna" or "ya."

Also, I don't think the "you know" is necessary at the end of the second sentence: "Yer age ain't gonna do ya any good ya know!"

 

[naitsirk]

Looking good so far. I don't care for the slang though (or whatever you would call it). I can't imagine an Orc ever saying "gonna" or "ya."

Also, I don't think the "you know" is necessary at the end of the second sentence: "Yer age ain't gonna do ya any good ya know!"

I think its a dwarf that is saying it.... Cause he says the warden. And these orcs have been captured, its an easy notice if you read it. You see, he says that he is thrown inside something.... or atleast something like that.
So the slang fits perfectly as its the warden that's saying it(Unless the warden is Human, Night Elf, Gnome and Draenei)

 

[Gyrosphinx]

well, the warden is a somewhat sadistic dwarf, so I think his speech fits.

 

[naitsirk]

well, the warden is a somewhat sadistic dwarf, so I think his speech fits.

Then yea, it fits seriously good then What be ya' creaging 'mon?

 

[Hawkwing]

I think its a dwarf that is saying it.... Cause he says the warden. And these orcs have been captured, its an easy notice if you read it. You see, he says that he is thrown inside something.... or atleast something like that.
So the slang fits perfectly as its the warden that's saying it(Unless the warden is Human, Night Elf, Gnome and Draenei)

I still disagree, but meh. I can't read it without giving him some really foreign accent, else it sounds weird.

 

[naitsirk]

I still disagree, but meh. I can't read it without giving him some really foreign accent, else it sounds weird.

Well... Dwarves have a Scotish Accent... so..... if you don't think it fits then, well... I find that kinda funny, and strange... + have you heard the dwarves of Warcraft/WoW? They talk ya and gonna and that shit...
ALL BECAUSE THE SCOTISH ACCENT

 

[Hawkwing]

When I said I don't care for the slang I wasn't talking about the first two sentences. That was only the "ya know" part I disagreed with, which sounds totally stupid. "In with ya" and such sounds perfectly fine though.

 

[naitsirk]

When I said I don't care for the slang I wasn't talking about the first two sentences. That was only the "ya know" part I disagreed with, which sounds totally stupid. "In with ya" and such sounds perfectly fine though.

I saw it now... You're right... I cant really belive I diden't see it... I am sorry fro the trouble I caused

 

[Hawkwing]

I saw it now... You're right... I cant really belive I diden't see it... I am sorry fro the trouble I caused

No problem. I wasn't very clear.

 

[naitsirk]

No problem. I wasn't very clear.

Seems We both were unclear of the situation Sry, I just felt like saying that. But yea, I am just glad it sorted out I hate making enemies;D And I love making friends

 

[Gyrosphinx]

Thinking about the sentence, I've changed it.


Moar Story:

"I've been talking to the orcs around here lately..." Shakar was standing in the corner speaking to Nurokh "...and i seems like most of the warriors here are from the Shattered Hand, Twilight's Hammer, Burning Blade and Stormreaver clans. Though you've probably noticed the clan markings." He pointed at the hand of one warrior which was replaced with a heavy axe blade. "Yes, I've noticed. It seems that it shall be easier to get them organized than I thought. Our clans have worked together before." Nurokh said, absently making fire emit from his finger. "Aye, but we need weapons for everyone not a Shattered Hand warrior." Shakar said in a slightly worried tone. "Do not worry, my friend. Weapons will not be a problem." As they spoke, the Warden, a barrel-chested dwarf with a long, slightly ragged, black beard and a long, wicked dagger, had opened the door from the cage to the quarry. "Of with ya, get to work!" In silence, the orcs walked out into the burning sun.

 

[Hawkwing]

Sounds great still.

Feel free to disagree with my thoughts.

1. I think "it shall be easier to get them organized than I thought" should be changed to "it shall be easier than I thought to get them organized."

2. "with black beard" should be changed to "with a black beard".

3. "I've been talking around here lately..." should be changed to "I've been talking to the orcs around here lately..." (or something like that).

 

[Gyrosphinx]

I disagree with the first point, but the second and third will be taken in mind and I'll update the post. Nice to get this feedback, as it does really improve me as a writer, thanks.

 

[Hawkwing]

Actually, after reading over the first point I think I agree with you. And you're welcome. Happy to help.

Edit: You should put everything together so new readers don't have to search through the entire thread to give their full feedback.

 

[naitsirk]

Love the new Story part alot But I think(Feel free to disagree) that "it shall be easier to get them organized than I thought" should be changed to something like "it WILL be easier to get them organized then I though" but remember, its only a thought... so

 

[Gyrosphinx]

I'll add everything to the first post later today, but not right now.