Story & Lore Mini-Contests: Remote Building

[Brambleclaw]

---

Remote Building

Your story has to follow the theme of a 'Remote Building', including a place or a home that is not rooted to one place. It can be writen in any generic genre: medieval, gothic, fantasy, realtime, futuristic or combined.

In order to prove your skills, you'll face the challenge of this being an open theme. This means that even if the Remote Building has to be the center of your story, the remaining plot is free to experiment with.





'~- General Rules -~'
~Only one submission per user is allowed.
~Your entry has to be entirely done by yourself, however, asking someone to give his/her opinion about your story is allowed.
~Contest's Judges can't participate in this contest.
~Entries have to be posted before the deadline. Short crossing over it (read: maximum of 2 hours allowed) is allowed. (avoiding time zone issues)
~Detection of spam, trolling and flaming of other users will not be tolerated and will be punished without excuses: please, keep this thread clean.
~Blacklisted users' votes, entries and judge applications won't be accepted.
~If you're unable to post the entry within the deadline, you are allowed to request a short extension for a maximum of 24 hours. This extension can be applied only once per contest, and most participants have to agree with it. It has to be requested at least two days before the contest ends.
~ Using too much of mature content or pornography, bribing and asking (subliminal or not) other members or judges to vote for you, posting partialy or completely stolen stories will result in: Ban from the contest, Negative Reputation, Infraction or Blacklisting you from future contests (a proper 'award' will be given depending on severity of the case).
~At least one WIP* submissions must be posted before your final entry.

WiPs - Explanation

*WIPs
WIP stands for Work-In-Progress. These are short overviews and previews of the current state of your stories, posted for the sake of keeping the contest active and alive, as well as getting some critique and useful reviews about your entry. These also prove that your story is actually yours.

'~- Contest's Rules -~'
~The entry's length is up to the user, however ~5000 words is recommended
~Your final entry and WIPs have to be posted within a

Hidden

tag. Attaching files to external sites or The Hiveworkshop's Pastebin is not allowed.
~All entries have to be written in English.

'~- Judges -~'
Current Judges:
1. *Available Slot*
2. *Available Slot*
3. *Available Slot*

If you want to be a judge...

~If you want to judge this contest, you must prove your skills first, no matter how obvious it is that you're okay for the job. Your previous judgements in contests can be used to prove you are qualified to do such a task. Please do not accept this task unless you have time, skills and will to review the entries. You must take a great load of responsibility on your mind:
~You mustn't be biased;
~You need to be efficient and suggestive when judging the entries;
~Your final judging results must be delivered to the Arena Moderator, and they must be kept in secret until the contest ends. However, you can contact other judges from this contest for an exchange of opinions about a certain story (point sharing is forbidden).
~If you think that an entry should be disqualified or given negative points, please contact the moderator/host of the contest.
The Arena Moderators will decide your qualification by sending you a short preset story to judge in order to test you.

'~- Judge's Scoring -~'

Section	Explanation	Points
Theme	All stories have to possess the main element of the Theme: the Remote Building. How good was the story when it comes to complete freedom about the theme's happenings about selected element? How well it goes with the 'Remote Building' requirement? How much is the selected element important to the story?	Up to 10 points to score in this section.
Grammar	Amount of errors, and overall readability of the document.	Up to 20 points to score in this section.
Eloquence	How well written is the piece/story? Does it use a wide range of vocabulary? Does the writing fit the piece? Beauty of the writing	Up to 20 points to score in this section.
Creativity and originality	How creative is the piece? Are there any plot twists/new ideas? Does it achieve a suitable reaction to what the story wanted to achieve?	Up to 25 points to score in this section.
Plot	How well thought out is the plot/how well paced it it? Does it flow well in relation to the subjects/events that the writer is describing?	Up to 25 points to score in this section.
Characterisation	How much depth is put into the characters? If there are more than one character, how well is the dialogue written and how well do the characters interact?	Up to 50 points to score in this section.
Immersion	How immersive is the piece? Does it grasp your attention and keep you reading? Do you feel like you're part of the story? Is the story able to make you focus so much that on an occasion you forget about your surroundings since you're so interested in finding out about the next part of the story?	Up to 40 points to score in this section.

'~- Final Results -~'
Counted by calculating points from the appointed judges.

First Place: 25 Reputation Points
All complete entries will be rewarded 5 reputation points.


'~- Deadlines -~'
This contest has started on: 26th of October and ends on 26th of November.

_{- Thanks to Apheraz Lucent for help with layout -}

 

[Codric]

Nah decided again I shall be a contestant.

BTW what is the theme?

 

[sonofjay]

My Entry

[TD]

Prologue

"Listen, our main objective is too rescue the four French hostages. We will not take any dead package here. We're taking them alive." said by the 32 year old veteran, Captain Josh Evengle. "The French government sent their GIGN units on the location consist of four man. We will meet them on the LZ." I added.

I took a cigarette on my cig case and lit it. I put it on my mouth and let the first ash to fall.

"I want you guys to be aware of your surroundings, always remember that we're dealing with killers. And they will not hesitate to kill you."

"Roger that Captain." my men replied.

Its been 3 months since the disappearance of the 4 biggest French business man on New York and since then New York's economic status fell dramatically. 1 week ago the CIA received a message from there intel about the French whereabouts and that they're on the hands of Décès, France most wanted group consist of the deadliest of deadliest killer. They kill only for fun.

The CIA have no idea if the French business are still alive or even the intel is true but we're taking our chances on this. The French government send 4 GIGN units to help Granite team consist of me, Sgt. Ferdinand Rodriguez, Sgt. Tony James and Lieut. Erick Haywood.

"We're almost on the LZ ETA 10 minutes." warn by the pilot.

I grab my ACR assault rifle equipped with EoT sights and a mag consist of 30 cartridge of 5.56x45mm and put it on my rifle. I put the sling to me and let the weight of ACR on my shoulder.

"This will be a bloody night." I say to myself.

Chapter 1 - First Floor

"Captain be advised, we're arriving the LZ in eta 30 seconds." the pilot say.

"Roger that." I reply.

I throw the cig below and stomp it with my left foot. I then look to my man and with strong and authoritative "This is it, remember don't put your guard down."

The co-pilot stand up and walk towards the door, before he open it he looks at me straight on the eye. "Are you ready Josh."

"I'm always ready." I reply.

As he open the door the roaring sounds of the helicopter's engine take over.

I walk outside with my ACR hanging on my shoulder and as I step on the dirt I see four men standing right in front of me. Four men carry assault rifles the most notable is the french standard assault rifle Famas.

One of the GIGN walk towards me and lend his hand "Captain Josh, I'm Captain Moreau leader of the GIGN sent here to assist your task force."

"Its a pleasure to see you Captain Moreau and the GIGN."

As my man depart the bird it quickly leave to avoid any clues of our arrival.

"Unfortunately there is no time for chit chat and introduction let's proceed with the plan." I command.
[/TD]

Update 1: Added new contents fix some errors.

Note: Haven't fix all the errors yet but will do.

 

[Brambleclaw]

I changed starting and and added a further theme explanation.

I guess the confusion is maybe a lack of open themes. Basically you can do whatever you wish as a long an abandoned or remote building is a key point in the story or part of the key focus. Such as the protagonist recalling an experience in said building, or the building being a focal point or scenario of a plot.
You could have a range from a Gothic horror ghost place. To a Zombie invasion where a group of survivors gather together and set up a base in an old castle.

 

[sonofjay]

Okay, actually that theme offers a lot of possible scenario, I love this theme. Let's just hope that this contest and the other story contest won't start at the same time.

 

[Codric]

Theme is really inresting you can write anything and of course add a remote thing.
Very nice indeed.

 

[FinalMix]

This contest is very interesting! I'll join this one. With this contest, I can hone my skills in storytelling.

EDIT 1: Do we post our WiPs here?

 

[CivSavage]

Humour me as a noob to contests and this forum, but does entirely done by yourself include the hives resources? Because I have no skill in model making etc. Hope u will bother to answer my stupid questions

 

[FinalMix]

Humour me as a noob to contests and this forum, but does entirely done by yourself include the hives resources? Because I have no skill in model making etc. Hope u will bother to answer my stupid questions

Hmmm... I can't seem to get your question that much. Could you make it clearer and understandable?

 

[FinalMix]

The Haunted Mansion!

The Story of the Haunted Mansion (WiP 7):

...There were three of us venturing at different lands in search of riches but we discovered something in our adventure that is really unbelievable!

I am Kyle, I am the leader of the adventuring team together with my friends, Jackson and Gale. The three of us ventured at different places until we arrived at a remoted place and there is a Mansion there that gives me a chill in the Bones. I don't know why but I think there is a long forgotten secret that lies at this mansion.

Gale, the bravest of us three convinced me and Jackson to go inside the mansion and see if we can discover some cool treasures and even some secrets. Jackson accepted to go inside the mansion but me still unsure If we should go there but Gale and Jackson suddenly went inside the mansion so I don't have any choice left and I just followed them. As soon as we went inside the mansion, I heard a mysterious voice warning me and my friends that a demonic being is inside this mansion and will steal our souls. Well, that got me scared and I told the message to Jackson and Gale. They didn't believe me! I tried to convince them but they ignored me and continued walking. What does that warning means? Is it really true? Well, the only to do is to find out!

We continued walking around the mansion until we passed by a room full of bloodmarks at the door. That got me scared because there might be something going on inside the room that we should not see. But Gale insisted again that we should go inside the room. Well, again I don't have a choice so the three of us went inside the room. When we went inside the room, the three of us got stunned because the room is full of corpses and stench of the corpses... we can smell it. But Gale said to me and Jackson that we should not be scared because we are a team. So, we walked around the room searching for clues on why did this happen to these people. After some hours, we were able to recover a paper, full of blood on a corpse. When we take a look at the paper, it is written there "Beware! If you are inside this Mansion... get out of here as soon as possible! He might see you.....". That's all that we can read at the letter... the other letters are full of bloodstains. After reading the letter, we felt a chill in the bones, it really scares the soul out of us! I don't know what secrets this Mansion holds but it's a good thing that we got our first clue though the other letters are full of bloodstains. We just need to find some things to clean the bloodstains so we can finally read what the letter wants us to know!

After we got out first clue, the letter, we decided to search for a water so we can clean the bloodstained paper. After thirty minutes, we were able to find a kitchen. So, we went inside the Kitchen. Nothing scary or unusual at the room but still I can feel the chill. We went at the faucet to clean the bloodstained paper but as soon as we go near at the faucet, the mysterious voice said to me that I should get out of the Kitchen and hide somewhere! It scared me so I told it to Gale and Jackson but still they didn't believe me and Gale said to me that I am crazy because I am hearing things. I don't have a choice so I pulled Gale and Jackson's shirt and said to them that we should hide! We hided at the bathroom of the Kitchen and I take a peek at the keyhole of the doorknob at the Bathroom. I saw a scary apparition, he is like a skeleton wearing a scorned robe and he is floating like a ghost! And the worst thing is, I think he is looking for us. I said to Jackson and Gale to look at the keyhole and they were really scared that they see that scary apparition! So, I think of a plan on how to escape this apparition and after some minutes I have thought of a plan. Hope this works! I said to Jackson and Gale to have a look at the keyhole if the apparition is still there and still he is there... What will happen to us? Will my plan work on this one?

My first plan is I ordered Jackson and Gale to have a tag or chase with the scary apparition. Jackson declines because he is too weak to run... just by seeing that apparition. But still Gale feeling energetic and convinced Jackson and Gale was able to convince Jackson. So I said to them to go now. Jackson and Gale both open the Bathroom door and ran for their life. The scary spparition was too distracted that he chased Jackson and Gale. While the chase, I opened the faucet at the bathroom but its not working. So I went at the Kitchen to try if the faucet is working there and yes, it works! So, I cleaned the bloodstained paper and I was able to fully read the letter and it is written there "Beware! If you are inside this mansion... get out of here as soon as possible! He might see you, the Scary apparition and he's not alone! He has some minions with him that will attack you.... if your careless!". I was able read the message of the letter and it chills me because he is not alone... and slowly I turned my back and saw a Zombie! Arrrrggghhh! I screamed and the zombie attacked me but suddenly I saw a bottle of water at the Kitchen table. Well, I got no choice and Im too scared so I picked up the bottle of water and throwed it on the Zombie. The Zombie screamed in pain and melted. Yuck! Now that I found out the weakness of the Zombie, it might work too at the scary apparition! Maybe he will die when I throwed a flask of this water and it's not just a water... a holy water! Now it's time to check by Jackson and Gale if they survived the chase... or not.

I left the Kitchen and find Jackson and Gale. I searched for an hour still I can't find them. What happened to them? Wish it's not what I fear! I never gave up and still I try to search for them and in my search, I passed by a mysterious room and suddenly I heard the mysterious voice again and the voice said to me to go to the mysterious room. Well, I acted brave and went inside the mysterious room. And as soon as I entered the room, I have just noticed that the room is where the corpses lies and we... Yes, I mean we... have just entered this room. So, I wondered why the voice led me here... We have just entered this room! Suddenly, I heard the mysterious voice again and it said to me to go to the Bookshelf at the upper left corner of the room. I went there and as soon as I touched the bookshelf, the bookshelf disappeared and a new path appeared right in front of me. I was surprised that we didn't see that before! So, I went at the new path and at the end of the path lies a big coffin. I got scared when I saw the coffin because a horror might appear inside the coffin! While I am scared to death, the mysterious voiced talked to me again and said to me to open the coffin but you know that I am a scaredy cat so I refused to open the coffin. The mysterious voice said to me that time is running short and I should open the coffin right now! I didn't have a choice so I opened the coffin and inside the coffin lies a corpse of a dead soldier holding a sword and you know what... The sword looks cool! The mysterious said to me to get the sword at the corpse so I reached for it and get the sword and as soon as I get the sword, the earth trembles violently! I got scared because ever in my life, this is the strongest earthquake I have ever felt. After five minutes, the earthquake stops and the mysterious voice said to me to get ready because I have just awaken an unspeakable horror! I got scared and I felt a tremble on my hands. What unspeakable horror does this mysterious voice warns me of? Is it the scary apparition? Maybe not but I must find out but first I must be ready for it!

I am really scared just by thinking on who is this unspeakable horror that the mysterious voice warns me of. Well, I cannot just stand here! I left the place where the coffin lies and enter the room full of corpses again. I decided to search for clues about this unspeakable horror and in the end, I didn't find any clues. I left the room and explore the hallway but in the same time being careful because the scary apparition might see me or even worse... After some hours, exploring the hallway of the mansion, I passed by a room that looks worth exploring and searching for clues. So I went inside the room and the room is full of test tubes, some containers, and many books scattered at the floor. My first guess is that its a Labaratory and I am right. Labs are worth searching for clues and knowledge so there must be clues here so I searched for clues and reading the books scattered at the floor one by one. And in my luck, I have stumbled at an interesting book. It was named "Experiments" so I read the book and there is a page there that is ripped from the book. I read the information at this page and saw there a picture of a really huge monster. To describe the monster in the picture, it is fat, has scary eyes and its body is covered with blood. What are these scientists trying to make? An Abomination!? After looking at the picture, I read the information about the monster and was able to read this "The Horror, a huge monster made from human skins combined. This monster is mindless and loves to kill any things that this monster can see so we want to make this monster because it looks interesting but...". I stopped at the word "but" and felt a chill in the bones. What will be the next words? I continued reading "...it was a failure. In the process of making this abomination, our container exploded unexpectedly and the Abomination was able to get out of the container. Even though its still in the process of work and its incomplete, we can feel the terror on us, Scientists! And after that....". The statement stops there. What could have happen to the scientists? They may be dead so the statement stops there! This is an another scary discovery! So this horror must be this Unspeakable horror that the mysterious voice warns me of. The abomination still lurks here so I must be extra careful!

I carefully left the Labaratory and searched for my friends, Gale and Jackson. Well, I didnt forgot that, you might be thinking that I abandoned them but no. I searched the Hallway and I was able to passed by a room... well... not just an ordinary room! It has a big door, big as a castle door. I tried opening the door to go inside but the door won't budge. It was too heavy. I though that searching for an item that can open this door might work so I explore the hallway again hoping that I can find more secret rooms that I can find some things to open this giant door. After an hour, I was able to passed by a room and the bad thing is I can sense a terrifying creature lies at this room. But I know that for the sake of finding my friends I must surpass the trials that will come on my way even the terrifying ones! So I rushed through the door and opened it. Inside the room, I can see many dead bodies, skeletons, jails, and the the scariest part is there are many bloodstains at the walls and floor of the room. It must be a torture room because it fits the description that I was thinking about a torture room. I searched for some items at the room that can help me open the giant door at the hallway and after some minutes, I was able to find another holy water in a chest. I kept the holy water inside my backpack and search for more items and clues that will be helpful but as soon as I moved, another earthquake happened and it was stronger than the previous one. I got scared and I felt a goosebumps! It was my first time to be this scared so I thought something terrifying will happen. Suddenly, the lights went out and it was dark at the room, I can't see a thing. Still, the earthquake was ongoing so I shouted that if there is someone at the room and suddenly I heard a loud growl and its like a growl of a monster. I got scared again and I felt a goosebumps at my back. I know that there is something in my back and the only thing to find out is to turn my back.

UPDATE 1: Well, this is for now! I will continue it later.
UPDATE 2: Added some more things at the story. Please have a look!
UPDATE 3: New events at the story! Please read it.
UPDATE 4: Jackson, Gale and Kyle slowly discovers the dark secrets of the haunted Mansion! Read now and find out.
UPDATE 5: Another update, hivers! Have a look and this is the most interesting part of the story that will leave many questions in your mind such as "Who is this unspeakable terror?"
UPDATE 6: The truth came out about this unspeakable horror. Now Kyle must be extra careful because there are two being hunting him dead: the Scary Apparition and the Horror!
UPDATE 7: The end of the story is near and that means more horrifying things will happen! New events at the story, have a look.

 

[CivSavage]

Am I able to use the Hives resources

 

[FinalMix]

Am I able to use the Hives resources

For what purpose your gonna use the Hive resources? Make it more clearer.

 

[SA Dashie]

Yes, you can use such resources such as models, skins and icons from anywhere legal and spells and systems from the Hive(I believe to an extent).

Oh yes and apparently this contest has already started. It needs to get approved by a mod before anything official like this gets started.

 

[CivSavage]

Models since I have no skill in modeling.

 

[sonofjay]

Was this approved by the staff? Just need an answer before I start working.

 

[Grey Nightmare]

...There were 3 of us venturing at different lands in search of riches but we discovered something in our adventure that is really unbelievable!

I'd advise trying to use the word 'three' within descriptive text.

 

[Vengeancekael]

Uh... Did you get Pharaoh_'s approval for this contest?

 

[Wandering Soul]

I missed out some Mini Contest/Contest some time ago due to some reason...
But now that I have some time, I'll try to compete in this one...

 

[Brambleclaw]

Uh... Did you get Pharaoh_'s approval for this contest?

When i asked him he said i could host the next contest, however i don't think he has seen this thread yet although i posted on his account wall. He is kinda busy at the moment I thought, so i guess he hasn't officially until he comes back and checks this. Which will be this week i hope since i asked him around about Thursday and he was referring to a contest starting next week when he would be free. So i guess if this does get approval the official start is not then.

If you want i can postpone the start and delay it to a later date. I changed it from the 30th to the 20th since I thought it would give people a bit more time out of school time(Assuming the majority of participants are in some sort of schooling) to write their piece. Instead of a mad rush to the end. Also it would fit between other contest dates hopefully.

I am still not sure the way the administration works with hive contests :<
But yeh thank you for notifying me on that. I added a bit to the original post to correct it to an unofficial start of an unofficial contest. Where any rewards will be unofficial (non existent) and any participants will be unofficial and will only be official if this becomes accepted/approved

 

[FinalMix]

I'd advise trying to use the word 'three' within descriptive text.

Ok, thanks! I'll be using "three" instead of "3".

EDIT 1: Lol, I've make 4 WiPs and the story is about to be completed but still this contest is still not accepted by Pharaoh. Maybe I should take a break and wish that Pharaoh will accept this contest because I love this contest.

 

[Da Fist]

The Story of the Haunted Mansion (WiP 4):

...There were three of us venturing at different lands in search of riches but we discovered something in our adventure that is really unbelievable!

I am Kyle, I am the leader of the adventuring team together with my friends, Jackson and Gale! The three of us ventured at different places until we arrived at a remoted place and there is a Mansion there that gives me a chill in the Bones. I don't know why but I think there is a long forgotten secret that lies at this mansion.

Gale, the bravest of us three convinced me and Jackson to go inside the mansion and see if we can discover some cool treasures and even some secrets. Jackson accepted to go inside the mansion but me still unsure If we should go there but Gale and Jackson suddenly went inside the mansion so I don't have any choice left and I just followed them. As soon as we went inside the mansion, I heard a mysterious voice warning me and my friends that a demonic being is inside this mansion and will steal our souls. Well, that got me scared and I told the message to Jackson and Gale. They didn't believe me! I tried to convince them but they ignored me and continued walking. What does that warning means? Is it really true? Well, the only to do is to find out!

We continued walking around the mansion until we passed by a room full of bloodmarks at the door. That got me scared because there might be something going on inside the room that we should not see! But Gale insisted again that we should go inside the room. Well, again I don't have a choice so the three of us went inside the room. When we went inside the room, the three of us got stunned because the room is full of corpses and stench of the corpses... we can smell it. But Gale said to me and Jackson that we should not be scared because we are a team. So, we walked around the room searching for clues on why did this happen to these people! After some hours, we were able to recover a paper, full of blood on a corpse. When we take a look at the paper, it is written there "Beware! If you are inside this Mansion... get out of here as soon as possible! He might see you.....". That's all that we can read at the letter... the other letters are full of bloodstains. After reading the letter, we felt a chill in the bones, it really scares the soul out of us! I don't know what secrets this Mansion holds but it's a good thing that we got our first clue though the other letters are full of bloodstains. We just need to find some things to clean the bloodstains so we can finally read what the letter wants us to know!

After we got out first clue, the paper, we decided to search for a water so we can clean the bloodstained paper! After 30 minutes, we were able to find a kitchen. So, we went inside the Kitchen. Nothing scary or unusual at the room but still I can feel the chill. We went at the faucet to clean the bloodstained paper but as soon as we go near at the faucet, the mysterious voice said to me that I should get out of the Kitchen and hide somewhere! It scared me so I told it to Gale and Jackson but still they didn't believe me and Gale said to me that I am crazy because I am hearing things. I don't have a choice but I pulled Gale and Jackson's shirt and said to them that we should hide! We hided at the bathroom of the Kitchen and I take a peek at the keyhole of the doorknob at the Bathroom. I saw a scary apparition, he is like a skeleton wearing a scorned robe and he is floating like a ghost! And the worst thing is, I think he is looking for us. I said to Jackson and Gale to look at the keyhole and they were really scared that they see that scary apparition! So, I think of a plan on how to escape this apparition and after some minutes I have though of a plan. Hope this works! I said to Jackson and Gale to have a look at the keyhole if the apparition is still there and still he is there... What will happen to us? Will my plan work on this one?

My first plan is I ordered Jackson and Gale to have a tag or chase with the scary apparition. Jackson declines because he is too weak to run... just by seeing that apparition. But still Gale feeling energetic and convinced Jackson and Gale was able to convince Jackson. So I said to them to go now! Jackson and Gale both open the Bathroom door and ran for their life. The scary spparition was too distracted that he chased Jackson and Gale. While the chase, I opened the faucet at the bathroom but its not working. So I went at the Kitchen to try if the faucet is working there and yes, it works! So, I cleaned the bloodstained paper and I was able to fully read the letter and it is written there "Beware! If you are inside this mansion... get out of here as soon as possible! He might see you, the Scary apparition and he's not alone! He has some minions with him that will attack you.... if your careless!". I was able read the message of the letter and it chills me because he is not alone... and slowly I turned my back and I saw a Zombie! Arrrrggghhh! I screamed and the zombie attacked me but suddenly I saw a bottle of water at the Kitchen table. Well, I got no choice and Im too scared so I picked up the bottle of water and throwed it on the Zombie! The Zombie screamed in pain and melted. Yuck! Now that I found out the weakness of the Zombie, it might work too at the scary apparition! Maybe he will die when I throwed a flask of this water and it's not just a water... a holy water! Now it's time to check by Jackson and Gale if they survived the chase... or not.

UPDATE 1: Well, this is for now! I will continue it later.
UPDATE 2: Added some more things at the story. Please have a look!
UPDATE 3: New events at the story! Please read it.
UPDATE 4: Jackson, Gale and Kyle slowly discovers the dark secrets of the haunted Mansion! Read now and find out.

You use some irrelevant ' ! ' ( exclamation marks ) in your sentences. And you use capitalized letters to common nouns ( I do so myself, sometimes, but I changed my ways to better grammar ). Other than that, I see a potential, fellow competitor ( I will join, if Pharoah_ approves the contest)

 

[FinalMix]

You use some irrelevant ' ! ' ( exclamation marks ) in your sentences. And you use capitalized letters to common nouns ( I do so myself, sometimes, but I changed my ways to better grammar ).

Oh noticed that too. Thanks for pointing those out.

 

[Da Fist]

Da Fist's WiP ( editing from time to time )

My dream started like this:

A man, clothed with a tunic, and a lush corona placed in his head. I cannot determine what he really was. Sometimes, he project an image of young man, sometimes, a child. I cannot move, but my eyes were working but deceiving me, and the longer I stared at him, the faster he turns into another form. So I averted my attention to the surroundings. At first there was nothing. Just an empty void of space. Then it changed into a mountainous terrain, with flourishing flowers, trees and cloudless sky. Then it shifted into a dungeon, a cave with ancient corpses, skulls and chains scattered along the prison cells and the only source of light is the dim brightness of the torches. It's hard to concentrate on anything, because it always shifts to another thing , and I knew, if I don't wake up soon, I'd be a madman after this . " Welcome, mortal. " The man said with low, vibrating sound that makes you feel sleepy " Since I see you can't take too much of what I show to you... " . He snapped his fingers, a sharp tone that left a ringing sensation to my ears, and then the scene turned into liquid and the environment evaporated. When my eyes oriented with the dream, I saw a oneiroi, the attendants of Hypnos , with the same clothes, but different facial features. His ears was pointy like an elf. Sad light flickered in his eyes, and his nose was long and pudgy. His beard was newly trimmed, and his hair was short but choppy. " You can see well now, right? " he said melodically and raised his arms like he was giving me a prize. When I noticed the difference, my first instinct was, Run! because it was the exact replica of my mother's log house. The fireplace was dancing in flames. The walls is decorated with pictures, paintings and heads of animals which my father hunted before he died. But I noticed one flaw. The mirage shows only the living room, and the outline of the porch. And when I look farther than that, or I try to find our old kitchen, an empty, depressing black void that feels like it is starting to pull you towards a world consisting nothing. He snapped once again his fingers, releasing me from paralysis, and he put his hands down to the coffee table. The man stared at me with his eyes, which are like clouds, ever shifting " Hmm. Down to business. My name is Morpheus, god of dreams. "
---
" Do not bother running. You are a guest in my realm. " his assuring voice sounds very convincing, but I try not to get too comfortable. Because gods, like humans, can alter their personalty in a wave of a hand. He took his long, nimble hands to the coffee, and took a quick sip, and he looked at me cautiously " You don't trust me. I see. But here is the point. After you wake up, pack your things and go to your mother's log house. Though it is already rusty since she moved to another home, but this old one contains the essence of my Lord, Hypnos " his voice shook a little when he said the name " Ahem. My Lord, Hypnos, is fast asleep leaving Thantos a burden for the dead people, and I want to wake him up to - " the entire room shook vigorously and the house was going to pieces, literally , but, like a jigsaw, pieces of the room flew and filled the empty void once more, and Morpheus was staggering to finish the quest details " Blast! Not much time left, you are waking up sooner than I expected! Listen carefully. When you go to the house, ensure that nobody knows that you are coming, or else he-" , the vision blurred started again, but this time the room did a three sixty spin, and moments later, I'm awake.
---
Waking up, it was dawn. The sun was rising towards the cloud filled sky. This scene made me contemplate about what Morpheus said. You don't trust me, Morpheus low voice echoed within my brain. I secretly hoped it was a dream, but no. He left behind a letter in the top of my blankets, a tiny torn scroll that says : " Ten days to fulfill this. Fail, and death will follow. Best of luck and may Tyche bless you. - M. I geared up as quickly as I could, and made me wonder Why am I doing this? It's a hopeless situation.. I packed my gear into my caravan and started venturing to Delphi, where Pythia resides, the oracle of Apollo. I scanned my map and calculated the time we get there. 1 day to Delphi, and another for my mother's house, which was in the outskirts of Greece, near the sea shore. Like Morpheus stated, I left without anyone knowing. I took my final look at my house, where my wife and two sons lay in there beds, sleeping, and breathed hard. A quest to die, a refusal that curses, and failure means torture, but victory means abundant blessings. I thought. I braced myself for the worst, but of course, I haven't tasted the tip of it yet.
---

UPDATE 1 : Dream part is finished.
UPDATE 2 : Few fixes, new scene added.

 

[CivSavage]

I will join also if its approved

 

[Brambleclaw]

:D Da fist- Review -Some errors pointed out not all though

Can't resist any longer! Must.. Write... Story!
A man, clothed with a tunic, and a lush corona placed in his shifting form. I cannot determine what he really is. Sometimes, his image project a young man, with a long beard. Sometimes, a child, holding a burnt scroll. I cannot move, but my eyes is working and deceiving me, and the longer I stare at him, the faster he turns into another form. I averted my attention to the surroundings. At first there was nothing. Just an empty void of space. Then it changed into a mountainous terrain, with flourishing flowers, trees with the sun radiates brightly in the sky. Then it shifted into a dungeon, a cave with ruined corpses, skulls and chains scattered along the prison cells and the only light is the dim brightness of the torches. It's hard to concentrate on anything, because it always changes, and I knew, if I stay too much at this dream, I'd be a madman after I wake up. " Welcome, mortal. " The man said with low, vibrating sound that makes you feel sleepy " Since I see you can't take too much of what I show to you... " . He snapped his fingers, a sharp tone that leaves a ringing sensation to my ears, and then the scene turned into liquid and the environment evaporated. When my eyes oriented with the dream, I can see a daemon, with the same clothes, but different facial features. His ears are pointy like an elf. Sad light flickered in his eyes, and his nose are long and pudgy. His beard was newly trimmed, and his hair was short but choppy. " You can see well now, right? " he said melodically and raised his arms like he was giving me a prize. When I noticed it, my first instinct was, Run! because it was the exact replica of my mother's log house. The fireplace was dancing in flames. The walls was decorated with pictures, paintings and heads of animals which my father hunted before he died. But I noticed one flaw. The mirage shows only the living room, and the outline of the porch. And when I look farther than that, or I try to find our old kitchen, an empty, depressing black void that feels like it is starting to pull you towards a world consisting nothing. He snapped his fingers, releasing me from paralysis, and he put his hands down to the coffee table. The man stared at me with his eyes, which are like clouds, ever shifting " Hmm. Down to business. My name is Morpheus, god of dreams.

Some of this i don't understand

---First sentence -A man, clothed with a tunic, and a lush corona placed in his shifting form -- " "placed in his shifting form?" What?
"Sometimes, his image project a young man, with a long beard"
What is this meant to mean? Sometimes he projects an image of a young man? I don't understand

"I cannot move, but my eyes is working and deceiving me, and the longer I stare at him, the faster he turns into another form" It should be "but my eyes are working"
Also i would suggest working yet deceiving me- Since it is kind of contradictory to say they are working and deceiving you. However I'm not sure- maybe a better sentence construct is in order.
Also with the "sometimes this" Sometimes that" thing it is more of a list. A tiny nitpick at grammar but it would probably be better with; or , instead of .
" trees with the sun radiates brightly in the sky" What? "and trees under the sun that radiates brightly the sky-"+/like- ("Adjectives here") I.E "like a sentinel of fire"
"light is the dim brightness of the torches" light, a dim brightness resonated from the torches (positional phrase related to setting/environment) I.e from the torches lined along the path.
"It's hard to concentrate on anything, because it always changes, and I knew, if I stay too much at this dream, I'd be a madman after I wake up"
maybe a new sentence construction for "It's hard to concentrate on anything, because it always changes - because the current construction feels weird and slightly wrong. Also "too "long" "in" this dream"

There are a lot of tenses which are confused, or wrong and places where you suddenly switch between past and present tenses. This makes the reading kind of unsightly and the flow hindered. Although this is a first draft so it is expected to have errors like this xD

Also some small words like "of" are forgotten in certain places.

Otherwise the story sounds much like a dream land or a nightmare, very interesting. I will be looking forward to seeing the rest

Also Morpheus makes me think of the matrix :O "God of dreams"" TAKE DAT GOD DAMN PILL TO GO TO REAL WORLD !!!!!!
"

The main problem with this entry though is the grammar which makes it hard to read
Rest is great though! Keep up the good work =D

Offtopic--

Also with no intention to offend you- I have become curios - Is English your first language? If not what is!! , also been wondering since you said you play on asian realm
P.S. I like trains too<3

 

[sonofjay]

Uhmm does it started? I'm getting confuse, anyway, I'll just edit my first post on the first page if I decided to submit my wips for my entry.

 

[Da Fist]

:D Da fist- Review -Some errors pointed out not all though

Some of this i don't understand

---First sentence -A man, clothed with a tunic, and a lush corona placed in his shifting form -- " "placed in his shifting form?" What?
"Sometimes, his image project a young man, with a long beard"
What is this meant to mean? Sometimes he projects an image of a young man? I don't understand

"I cannot move, but my eyes is working and deceiving me, and the longer I stare at him, the faster he turns into another form" It should be "but my eyes are working"
Also i would suggest working yet deceiving me- Since it is kind of contradictory to say they are working and deceiving you. However I'm not sure- maybe a better sentence construct is in order.
Also with the "sometimes this" Sometimes that" thing it is more of a list. A tiny nitpick at grammar but it would probably be better with; or , instead of .
" trees with the sun radiates brightly in the sky" What? "and trees under the sun that radiates brightly the sky-"+/like- ("Adjectives here") I.E "like a sentinel of fire"
"light is the dim brightness of the torches" light, a dim brightness resonated from the torches (positional phrase related to setting/environment) I.e from the torches lined along the path.
"It's hard to concentrate on anything, because it always changes, and I knew, if I stay too much at this dream, I'd be a madman after I wake up"
maybe a new sentence construction for "It's hard to concentrate on anything, because it always changes - because the current construction feels weird and slightly wrong. Also "too "long" "in" this dream"

There are a lot of tenses which are confused, or wrong and places where you suddenly switch between past and present tenses. This makes the reading kind of unsightly and the flow hindered. Although this is a first draft so it is expected to have errors like this xD

Also some small words like "of" are forgotten in certain places.

Otherwise the story sounds much like a dream land or a nightmare, very interesting. I will be looking forward to seeing the rest

Also Morpheus makes me think of the matrix :O "God of dreams"" TAKE DAT GOD DAMN PILL TO GO TO REAL WORLD !!!!!!
"

The main problem with this entry though is the grammar which makes it hard to read
Rest is great though! Keep up the good work =D

Offtopic--

Also with no intention to offend you- I have become curios - Is English your first language? If not what is!! , also been wondering since you said you play on asian realm
P.S. I like trains too<3

Ahh. Yeah. It's hard to write when you are sleepy, . No, English isn't my first language ( Proudly Pinoy, and this was written around 10:00 pm ). Well, most of the problems there will be fixed ( it's WiP, right? ), and about Morpheus, he is a greek ( same roman name ) god of dreams ( no Neo, he won't give you the other pill either. ).

 

[sonofjay]

As I said, did this contest started? I though we move it on October 30???


EDIT:

Well others had started so I'll start on mine too.

EDIT:

My short WIP. http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/2231351-post3.html

 

[FinalMix]

As I said, did this contest started? I though we move it on October 30???


EDIT:

Well others had started so I'll start on mine too.

EDIT:

My short WIP. http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/2231351-post3.html

Nice WiP, sonofjay! +REP! I love the line when you said "This will be a bloody night!"

 

[sonofjay]

Thank you. I'll be updating my wip later.

 

[FinalMix]

Thank you. I'll be updating my wip later.

Waiting for your 2nd WiP. Your story is interesting even though I hate stories about soldiers and military-likes...

 

[sonofjay]

I'll be waiting for yours too. I can see that you and DaFist are rushing your entries, just want to say that you guys should plan the whole scenario, list all the important information like names(characteristics,age), place, scenarios etc etc and plan your whole plot before you start writing. I promise you guys it will help you a lot.

 

[FinalMix]

I'll be waiting for yours too. I can see that you and DaFist are rushing your entries, just want to say that you guys should plan the whole scenario, list all the important information like names(characteristics,age), place, scenarios etc etc and plan your whole plot before you start writing. I promise you guys it will help you a lot.

The next following WiPs, the main characters will fully discover the secret of the mansion but your right I should not rush it for I have many time for this one! Thanks,sonofjay!

 

[Brambleclaw]

My Entry

[TD]

"Listen, our main objective is too rescue the four French hostages. We will not take any dead package here. We're taking them alive." said by the 32 year old veteran, Captain Josh Evengle. "The French government sent their GIGN units on the location consist of four man. We will meet them on the LZ." I added.

I took a cigarette on my cig case and lit it. I put it on my mouth and let the first ash to fall.

"I want you guys to be aware of your surroundings, always remember that we're dealing with killers. And they will not hesitate to kill you."

"Roger that Captain." my men replied.

Its been 3 months since the disappearance of the 4 biggest French business man on New York and since then New York's economic status fell dramatically. 1 week ago the CIA received a message from there intel about the French whereabouts and that they're on the hands of Décès, France most wanted group consist of the deadliest of deadliest killer. They kill only for fun.

The CIA have no idea if the French business are still alive or even the intel is true but we're taking our chances on this. The French government send 4 GIGN units to help Granite team consist of me, Sgt. Ferdinand Rodriguez, Sgt. Tony James and Lieut. Erick Haywood.

"We're almost on the LZ ETA 10 minutes." warned by the pilot.

I grab my ACR assault rifle equipped with EoT sights and a mag consist of 30 cartridge of 5.56x45mm and put it on my rifle. I put the sling to me and let the weight of ACR on my shoulder.

"This will be a bloody night." I said to myself.

[/TD]

Yeh it's started just no confirmed so its more of unofficial starting date .

Also "their intel"* - "business men" "sent their units consisting of four men to the location"(Time phrases possibly needed) "In New York"
It is a general rule not to start sentences with conjunctions such as "and", however that is minor.
"deadliest group "consisting of" "Killers"
"French businesses" or "That the French intel is true" The french government "has/will(Time phrase)" - has sent - will send "
"The sling around my (Part of body such as shoulder)
The weight of the ACR "rest" of my shoulder

Tenses are confused. You are currently mostly in the First person Present- However you have things like "I said to myself" Which is weird. Either choose the first person present or first person past xD (I say to myself)

Present tense is not the easiest to write in

Looking forward to finding out what the environment will be like

 

[sonofjay]

Thanks for pointing those things out, at first i intended to be the narrator of the story but decided to take the role of Capt. Josh. I'll fix those things immediately.

 

[FinalMix]

Thanks for pointing those things out, at first i intended to be the narrator of the story but decided to take the role of Capt. Josh. I'll fix those things immediately.

Well, if your gonna make a story. Always remember if your gonna make yourself narrator or a character in your story. Well, the disadvantage when your changing role in your story and its already written is your gonna rewrite it again so next time, be sure to make a strict decision if your gonna be a narrator or a character in your story. Just a tip!

 

[sonofjay]

Thanks, good thing that I only decided when I'm still at the start of the story. It will be devastating if I decided to change my role in the middle of the story.

 

[FinalMix]

Thanks, good thing that I only decided when I'm still at the start of the story. It will be devastating if I decided to change my role in the middle of the story.

Yeah, you right. Good thing, your just starting the story. Well, best of luck to your entry here.

 

[sonofjay]

Added new content on my entry http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/2231351-post3.html

 

[CivSavage]

Looks nice so far, one thing thats bugging me is there should be a comma after 'Four men carry assault rifles' and instead of 'is' in the same sentence it should be 'being'. Also needs a ' for 'Its' in the third to last sentence.

Hoping for some environmental description soon.

Edit: I was also wondering how far I can go before it is considered 'mature content'. Could you clarify?

 

[CivSavage]

Time to join the contest!

Heres a WiP:

Hidden

Joseph ‘No-Name’. That’s what they called him. He heard their sniggers of derision, saw their calculating stares. He had been called many names; some behind his back, some to his face. But No-Name was what had stuck. What’s worse was that it was true. He had no family name. He was worse than a bastard; dumped on a doorstep as a baby, with not so much as a note. No name, no parents, not even a wooden basket to be carried in; they hadn’t even bothered to give him a blanket, perhaps they wanted him to freeze to death. At least they had given the small mercy of not killing him outright, Joseph thought gloomily. “Strike left! Right! Parry!” The commands of the cadet pulled him back to reality. Even the small village of Samat required all boys to undergo military training; although only a small town, everyone able was expected to answer a call to arms. And that meant even orphans like Joseph. “Cease!” the cadet shouted. “I hope you’re ready for the walk of shame.” The trainees groaned. The ‘walk of shame’, was aptly named. A 10 mile run through dense forest, across murky rivers where all manners of creatures lurked, any trainee who did not finish in time would be stripped of their clothes and forced to walk back to Samat exposed to the cold punishing winds of the North Sea. “Better keep up, No-Name,” Markus smirked. In small villages like Samat, there are usually extremely tight knit communities. Essentially a small cluster of houses in the middle of nowhere, no community was as tight knit as this one. Markus was known to be cruel, calculating and ruthless, who had never seemed to possess a child’s innocence. Now 15, almost a man grown, he was heavyset for his age, and was the only other boy in the village. Naturally, that painted a big target on Josephs back, a small, thin pale boy.

 

[sonofjay]

I was also wondering how far I can go before it is considered 'mature content'. Could you clarify?

Right after they encounter the hostage takers.\

And thanks for the corrections.

 

[Vengeancekael]

Ease of reading
Writing ability/range of vocab etc Grammatical accuracy,etc with prose.--How accurate is the writing of the piece, are there no,few or many errors

That's kind of ironic.

 

[CivSavage]

I did notice a lot of mistakes in the headline actually.

 

[Vengeancekael]

Anyway, if Pharaoh_ doesn't show up tomorrow, then I'll just edit the main post a little and will start the contest officially.

 

[Da Fist]

Will our entries will become void if the contest officially starts?

 

[sonofjay]

Will our entries will become void if the contest officially starts?

I think no, a moderator and the host of the contest are keeping their eyes on the contest anyway.

 

[FinalMix]

I wish this contest will be approved because many created their WiP already that only means they like and many looked forward to this contest. If they dont approve this, many will be down!

 

[Vengeancekael]

Contest started.
Yes, people do have to start from scratch again.

 

[Deleted member 212788]

Hmm, The theme is great but It won't combine well with a poem this time around . Anyway, I think I will be skipping this one as I've already got my hands full. Good luck to everyone! May the most innovative and unique entry win!