- Joined
- Nov 26, 2006
- Messages
- 11,136
Great War Stories
There is no real theme, it can be someone telling the story, or the story of the war itself.
Breeze - The World Is Flat :
Plot : 8.5
Characters : 8
Structure : 8
Flow : 7
Theme : 8
Critiques:
Well overall I must say that I was shocked when I was finished reading your story, the characters, all the "expressions" you used, the story itself was pretty original, however you used too many expressions and it's really hard to understand the cloud's sentences. Well there are almost no negative points, except that the flow was a little weird, when it suddenly jumped from a story to another. However I think it is ok that way. And another thing, is the scene with the foxes was kinda too short, it was mostly about the cloud and the breeze, only in the end they came into the story for a moment.
I don't think the war had started yet, so that reduces the rating a little.
All i can say to this story is that it's ground breaking and terrific. People can clearly see that you've put a lot effort into this.
Rating : 39.5/50
Just Like Old Times - Grey Nightmare :
Plot : 8
Characters : 8
Structure : 8
Flow : 7
Theme : 7
Critiques:
Some words are missing, for example "in the middle of temple", which should be "in the middle of the temple". Also, at some points, you should place a ",", here for example : "chuckled Brutus his abnormally flat face splitting into a wide grin.". There were also some awkard sentences for example "all I’ll be shaving that pretty head o’ yours” grumbled Brutus." Shouldn't it be "or I'll be shaving that pretty..."?
There are several typos which bother me, sometimes you forgot to place a "'", sometimes a ",",...
There are also some things which don't sound orcish, for example, an orc tells another orc to get a haircut????
The orcs don't talk like, well lets say "idiots", sometimes they talk just like Humans.
The Story is, in my opinion "original" in some way, I haven't read something like this before, yet it might be boring for some readers, maybe because of your sense of humor. But it was pretty entertaining to me, so good job.
Another thing that I liked are the characters, with all their personalities and funny things about them. One of the "good" stories I've read so far, it's something that should be read.
Also: "Yummy, yummy I got love in mah tummy and I fee li- wha?" ????????????? lol
Other Things:
Your = Your Pants
You're = You are
were = They were doing...
We're = We are
to = to do
too = too many
Rating : 38/50
The Battle of Stirling - Lightskin :
Plot : 5
Characters : 5
Structure : 5
Flow : 5
Theme : 4
Critiques :
So lets start with "fighting was losing it's sense." "it's" stands for "it is" and "its" stands for "its shoes are ugly". This is always annoying to read.
Other things like " "So you are telling me to retreat is not to fear" should be actually " "So you're telling me that retreat is not fear".
But that's enough of typos, lets look at this sentence "rape our women", I mean like what... this doesn't fit in the sentence, really... It just doesn't sound good, I don't think any one would write "rape" in a normal book.
Now the story itself was pretty short and not interesting at all. It was just about a battle between England and Scotland, and you didn't mention why they were fighting etc.
In the beginning. the scottish commanders tried to cheer up the soldiers and then they went to fight. Also you didn't use a lot of expressions.
The thing that was really missing was a real story, you just wrote about a battle and then it was finished.
I must say this story was rather "too short" and not very original or interesting. I hope you will be improving yourself next time.
Rating : 24/50
lateris - The Endless War
Plot : 6
Characters : 6
Structure : 4
Flow : 3
Theme : 6
Critiques :
Well, first of all, you really need to review your story again, before submitting it. You have said it yourself, "P.S. I didnt have enough time to fix mistakes.", this just ruined the whole story, you just don't want to read it with all the mistakes. That's one major flaw, which some how also ruins the flow.
You suddenly jump from genlin's world to the dream and sometimes you get confused when you're reading it, because you don't know if this is still the vision or not.
The characters were described like "the captain has white eyes, long hair" etc., however you don't go to know that much of their personalities.
The story is a little original and actually attracts the reader to read it till the end. No questioning that.
It is an interesting story and I kinda like the intro, how you describe the battlefield etc.
Well I guess it's an interesting story, yet the flow and the structure need to improved. I recommend you review your story again next time.
Rating : 25/50
Tharkas - The Clockbreaker
Plot : 4
Characters : 5
Structure : 4
Flow : 6
Theme : 4
Critiques :
Well this isn't really a "war" story, since there are just 2 characters and no fights at all, however I don't think you should be disqualified because of that. I can clearly see that you've put a lot of effort into this. There are however a lot of things which are a bit negative: First of all, there are a lot of typos and it's a bit too short, I think it's the shortest story actually.
Now, the story is a bit interesting, however it's just too short and you could have represented more characters in the story and at least written a longer conversation between the 2 characters.
You have used some expressions, which increase your rating. Now the story is original, in its own way, but nothing that would really attract everyone. You suddenly lose the motivation to read it.
You could've also described the characters a little bit more.
Finally, I think this story is at least better than some of the other stories, but the major flaw is that the story is just too short, thus there's not much to read and actually to judge, so there's a lot of side story missing.
Rating : 23/50
The Danish - Who Art from Heaven
Plot : 7
Characters : 7
Structure : 8
Flow : 7
Theme : 6
Critiques :
First of all, I have to admit that your story is magnificent, with all the expressions and the way you described the "battle". Everything is excellent and there are almost no negative points for this story.
However, one thing that was missing, was a better side story, we only got to know about oscus' job and how he fought against those 5 "barbarians".
But you could have had started a bit earlier, for example when they were departing the village or at least extended the story a little bit more.
Also in the beginning, the way you started the story, it was just too slow and it would make the reader stop reading the whole story.
The flow was ok as far as I know, but not perfect or anything and you only described oscus, but there were several characters.
I also liked how oscus named his enemies.
Overall this is an entertaining story and something I would recommend to everyone.
Rating : 35/50
Plot : 8.5
Characters : 8
Structure : 8
Flow : 7
Theme : 8
Critiques:
Well overall I must say that I was shocked when I was finished reading your story, the characters, all the "expressions" you used, the story itself was pretty original, however you used too many expressions and it's really hard to understand the cloud's sentences. Well there are almost no negative points, except that the flow was a little weird, when it suddenly jumped from a story to another. However I think it is ok that way. And another thing, is the scene with the foxes was kinda too short, it was mostly about the cloud and the breeze, only in the end they came into the story for a moment.
I don't think the war had started yet, so that reduces the rating a little.
All i can say to this story is that it's ground breaking and terrific. People can clearly see that you've put a lot effort into this.
Rating : 39.5/50
Just Like Old Times - Grey Nightmare :
Plot : 8
Characters : 8
Structure : 8
Flow : 7
Theme : 7
Critiques:
Some words are missing, for example "in the middle of temple", which should be "in the middle of the temple". Also, at some points, you should place a ",", here for example : "chuckled Brutus his abnormally flat face splitting into a wide grin.". There were also some awkard sentences for example "all I’ll be shaving that pretty head o’ yours” grumbled Brutus." Shouldn't it be "or I'll be shaving that pretty..."?
There are several typos which bother me, sometimes you forgot to place a "'", sometimes a ",",...
There are also some things which don't sound orcish, for example, an orc tells another orc to get a haircut????
The orcs don't talk like, well lets say "idiots", sometimes they talk just like Humans.
The Story is, in my opinion "original" in some way, I haven't read something like this before, yet it might be boring for some readers, maybe because of your sense of humor. But it was pretty entertaining to me, so good job.
Another thing that I liked are the characters, with all their personalities and funny things about them. One of the "good" stories I've read so far, it's something that should be read.
Also: "Yummy, yummy I got love in mah tummy and I fee li- wha?" ????????????? lol
Other Things:
Your = Your Pants
You're = You are
were = They were doing...
We're = We are
to = to do
too = too many
Rating : 38/50
The Battle of Stirling - Lightskin :
Plot : 5
Characters : 5
Structure : 5
Flow : 5
Theme : 4
Critiques :
So lets start with "fighting was losing it's sense." "it's" stands for "it is" and "its" stands for "its shoes are ugly". This is always annoying to read.
Other things like " "So you are telling me to retreat is not to fear" should be actually " "So you're telling me that retreat is not fear".
But that's enough of typos, lets look at this sentence "rape our women", I mean like what... this doesn't fit in the sentence, really... It just doesn't sound good, I don't think any one would write "rape" in a normal book.
Now the story itself was pretty short and not interesting at all. It was just about a battle between England and Scotland, and you didn't mention why they were fighting etc.
In the beginning. the scottish commanders tried to cheer up the soldiers and then they went to fight. Also you didn't use a lot of expressions.
The thing that was really missing was a real story, you just wrote about a battle and then it was finished.
I must say this story was rather "too short" and not very original or interesting. I hope you will be improving yourself next time.
Rating : 24/50
lateris - The Endless War
Plot : 6
Characters : 6
Structure : 4
Flow : 3
Theme : 6
Critiques :
Well, first of all, you really need to review your story again, before submitting it. You have said it yourself, "P.S. I didnt have enough time to fix mistakes.", this just ruined the whole story, you just don't want to read it with all the mistakes. That's one major flaw, which some how also ruins the flow.
You suddenly jump from genlin's world to the dream and sometimes you get confused when you're reading it, because you don't know if this is still the vision or not.
The characters were described like "the captain has white eyes, long hair" etc., however you don't go to know that much of their personalities.
The story is a little original and actually attracts the reader to read it till the end. No questioning that.
It is an interesting story and I kinda like the intro, how you describe the battlefield etc.
Well I guess it's an interesting story, yet the flow and the structure need to improved. I recommend you review your story again next time.
Rating : 25/50
Tharkas - The Clockbreaker
Plot : 4
Characters : 5
Structure : 4
Flow : 6
Theme : 4
Critiques :
Well this isn't really a "war" story, since there are just 2 characters and no fights at all, however I don't think you should be disqualified because of that. I can clearly see that you've put a lot of effort into this. There are however a lot of things which are a bit negative: First of all, there are a lot of typos and it's a bit too short, I think it's the shortest story actually.
Now, the story is a bit interesting, however it's just too short and you could have represented more characters in the story and at least written a longer conversation between the 2 characters.
You have used some expressions, which increase your rating. Now the story is original, in its own way, but nothing that would really attract everyone. You suddenly lose the motivation to read it.
You could've also described the characters a little bit more.
Finally, I think this story is at least better than some of the other stories, but the major flaw is that the story is just too short, thus there's not much to read and actually to judge, so there's a lot of side story missing.
Rating : 23/50
The Danish - Who Art from Heaven
Plot : 7
Characters : 7
Structure : 8
Flow : 7
Theme : 6
Critiques :
First of all, I have to admit that your story is magnificent, with all the expressions and the way you described the "battle". Everything is excellent and there are almost no negative points for this story.
However, one thing that was missing, was a better side story, we only got to know about oscus' job and how he fought against those 5 "barbarians".
But you could have had started a bit earlier, for example when they were departing the village or at least extended the story a little bit more.
Also in the beginning, the way you started the story, it was just too slow and it would make the reader stop reading the whole story.
The flow was ok as far as I know, but not perfect or anything and you only described oscus, but there were several characters.
I also liked how oscus named his enemies.
Overall this is an entertaining story and something I would recommend to everyone.
Rating : 35/50
(Kael's judging * 1.5) + ((Votes / Total Votes) * 25) = Total score
The World Is Flat: (39.5 * 1.5) + ((14 / 44) * 25) = 67.2045455
Grey Nightmare: (38 * 1.5) + ((9 / 44) * 25) = 62.1136364
Lightskin: (24 * 1.5) + ((2 / 44) * 25) = 37.1363636
lateris: (25 * 1.5) + ((7 / 44) * 25) = 41.4772727
Tharkas: (23 * 1.5) + ((4 / 44) * 25) = 36.7727273
The Danish: (35 * 1.5) + ((5 / 44) * 25) = 55.3409091
alext did not post a WIP.
4th - lateris
5th - Lightskin
6th - Tharkas
5th - Lightskin
6th - Tharkas
Poll | Contest
Last edited:
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