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Nu' Kalen Kol

Do you like the story so far? If yes, I will continue it.

  • Yes

    Votes: 6 85.7%
  • No

    Votes: 1 14.3%

  • Total voters
    7
  • Poll closed .
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Level 10
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744
Nu' Kalen Kol

The shadow soldiers held up their bolt rifles, a big explosion had just separated them from each other and the squad had to find a way together. They looked at each other, what little people that were together got up and continued their fighting, shooting the angelics that had just walked up onto the hill. They started their separate ways after shooting them down. The path was split into four different directions. There were twelve in the squad, however they were not quite split up right after the explosion. It was four, three, four, and one. The one being the most elite of the squad, the slicer.

The slicer looked on the path, his black metallic armor keeping him concealed in the darkness. His claws were out and the poison so thick it dripped off the claws. He walked low on the path seeing a few angelics up ahead. He hopped in a tree in the forest. One of the angelic soldiers saw some leaves fall and pointed up into the tree, looking closely to see something. Just then the slicer jumped down, his claw slicing into the angelics chest. The other soldiers started to fire, the slicer holding up the angelic as a shield they all shot at their brother. When the slicer knew he wouldn't last long he threw him into the soldiers and jumped forward, slicing two of them, the poison taking care of the rest, they decayed almost instantly. The two other angelics aimed at the slicer.

"Halt you damned fiend!" The slicer looked up at him. They began firing but the slicer jumped into the air, the two of them being blinded by the light reflecting from the armor. He fell down right on top of them, slicing their necks open, they too decayed because of the poison. The slicer continued forward on the path.

The group of three were pinned down by heavy angelic fire. One of them was wounded with a blown off leg, the other two were firing away trying to keep each other alive. "Hold on Nalh! We'll get ya out of here." Nalh motioned to his rocket launcher.

"Use it..." He managed to say with a painful expression. His friend nodded and picked it up. He aimed at some of the angelics that were behind cover and fired, he got pushed back from the force. The rocket hit the ground making a huge explosion, soon the explosion stopped, and sucked it back in. Then another, bigger explosion occurred and the path was opened up, the angelics were completely destroyed by the explosion, their blood on trees and the ground. They got up, Nalh putting his arm over his friend and using his rocket launcher to use as a crutch.

"See, told ya we'd make it out." his friend said, as he suppored him up.

"Heh... lets just get out of here." They continued on the path, keeping an eye out for any more trouble.

"Don't worry Nalh, just keep thinking about getting home, about your sweety and your love." Nalh was looking faint from the lack of blood. He looked up at his friend weakly and nodded. A few more steps and Nalh stumbled, missing a step. Him and his friend both fell. "Nalh. nalh, hold on, hold on." Was all he could hear from his friend as he blacked out. His friend acted quickly and tied Nalh's pant leg together and tightened it to put pressure on the decapitated leg. He put Nalh's arms around his shoulders and on his back. He lifted Nalh up and the other soldier helped. They rushed through their path, heading toward a rally point they had sent out for an evac.

The first group of four were to under heavy fire. The heavy bolter stood up and started firing, bullets whizzing out of the barrel and hitting several of the angelics. He kept firing, attempting to take them all down. One of the angelics fires and hits him in the leg. He kneels down but moves his gun back up, continuing his fire. Two other shadow soldiers gave the medic cover fire as he went over to help the heavy bolter. He pushed the medic aside and kept firing. A ship landed nearby, an angelic one and dropped off several more troops. They started to fire on the shadows position, as did the ship.

"Shit! Take cover!" They ducked behind their cover as a rocket hit, ground flew up in the air but none of the soldiers were hit. "We need to take out that ship!" The ship activated its turrets and began to fire on their position.

Just then a rocket came and hit the ship head on, and the ship jumped, being pushed by the hit. Another rocket came and hit the ship as well, the ship was hurt badly and crashed, killing several of the angelics. The other four shadows begin to fire on the angelics, the four shadows that were behind cover looked out to see what happened. After seeing their brothers they jumped out of cover and drew swords, attacking the angelics with them. Slicing and cutting them till they were dead.

When they knew they were dead they looked up at each other and laughed. Today sure was turning out to be something. They looked up at their other four brothers. They nodded and continued down the path toward their destination.
 
Level 10
Joined
Sep 7, 2008
Messages
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Alright alright, Ive been told this story might get confusing because of the fact its starting somewhere else and not in the begging. First off, Nu' Kalen Kol means The Forgotten, from an ancient race's language I have developed. There are two other races I have created as well, Angelics and Dragonics. The Angelics are kind of like angels only the are more mortal than most would think. They are like extreme holy people with wings. White feathered wings. The dragonics are like dragon elves, they are brother-ed to dragons and the royal family, has the ability to transform themselves into dragon hybrids, even turn into dragons themselves. The story starts off on a planet that the Ner'Gulth have found (Or shadows in their language), the Angelics, being sworn enemies to the shadows, have decided the planet to be holy due to the many ancient artifacts that are found there so they are attempting to repell the shadows. The story starts off in the middle of a battle between a squad of shadows and some Angelics, the shadows are there to study some things but when they found out of the Angelics, they sent a squad to investigate, and then wala, you have the story I am starting off here with. Thank you for your time.
 
Level 6
Joined
Dec 19, 2005
Messages
61
The ideas are good but you need to work on your detail. The writing seems to jump around a lot, you have the basics there to be a good writer so don't be disheartened. You just need to develop your style more; really imagine every moment as you write it. The sounds, the smells, the weather, the light conditions, the time of day, the surrounding area. See it all in your mind, and take your time to describe those things because atm your rushing to develop the plot whereas with a book it's not the getting to B that matters it's everything on the way from A to B that makes it a book to read and remember.
Savvy?

Hope that helped, jus ttryign to give you contructive criticism here, don't take it as OMG YOU SUCK. Cos it's not, you have the building blocks there. Keep working on it.
 
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