Map Dialogue Critique?

[Mortimer]

I just quickly drafted up a script of the dialogue I plan on using for a campaign I'm working on.

The campaign is based on the events of Warcraft's first war with the dialogue being used for the first Orc map, Swamps of Sorrow.

Swamps of Sorrow
Maim "Orgrim Doomhammer .... what do we owe the displeasure of your presence?"
Orgrim "I'm here to help lead the attack on Grand Hamlet"
Rend "Help Lead!? Pah! We don't need the likes of your help"
Orgrim "Really ... than why did your father send me here? ... perhaps because you failed to take Grand Hamlet last time?"
Rend "Why you impudent dune worm! ... I should flay your hide"
Orgrim "Yes and I wander what Blackhand would say about that after personally sending me here"
Maim "You maybe sent by our father but WE still hold rank, Doomhammer ... you can help in the attack ... haha ... construct a supply camp for our forces here ... that should be a task WORTHY of you"
Rend "Hahahaha, yes, down with the Peons Maim ... and don't let any human patrols give away our position or you'll have Blackhand to answer to"
Orgrim "Very well .... sons of Blackhand"

First Objective: Build a Barracks and four farms (A nod to the original WC map objective).

Orgrim "Ugh, I'm a warrior not a taskmaster"
Grunt Approaches "Warlord, a group of humans approach from the southern valley"
Orgrim "The south? ... thats where Rend and Maim's forces are .... those idiots have let the humans through ... they will jeopordize this whole attack! Quickly! We need to hunt those scouts down before they can alert the forces at Grand Hamlet!"

Second Objective: Kill the human scouts before they can escape.

Optional Objective: Recover the Bleeding Hollow Clan supply cache.

Orgrim "Huh, this marker is used by the Bleeding Hollow Clan ... one of their old supply caches must be in the area from our first attack on the humans .... if its still intact it could prove useful"

Grunt "Those DOG faced creatures have uncovered the supply cache!"
Orgrim "Yes ... no worry, they will be no match for our blades ... to battle!"

 

[anderf]

Well!

First Block of Dialogue: Seems pretty good, but Ogrim's lines seem a bit bland and boring (words like help, last time, etc.). Maybe you could spice them up a bit . I was a bit confused with the laughing, it seemed out of place, but it probably works given the right context.

Second Block: Meh, idiots is a sort of weak word. Maybe imbeciles?

Third Block: Fine.

Fourth Block: Maybe "axes" might work better than blades.

 

[Mortimer]

Well!

First Block of Dialogue: Seems pretty good, but Ogrim's lines seem a bit bland and boring (words like help, last time, etc.). Maybe you could spice them up a bit .

I'll have a think on those ones.

I was a bit confused with the laughing, it seemed out of place, but it probably works given the right context.

I was trying to imply they are mocking Orgrim as well as trying to keep him out of the way. All and all I'd say Rend and Maim are abit intimidated by Orgrim.

Second Block: Meh, idiots is a sort of weak word. Maybe imbeciles?

Imbeciles works.

Third Block: Fine.

Fourth Block: Maybe "axes" might work better than blades.

Well .... I thought blades rolled off the tongue a little better ... an axe being a blade an all.

 

[anderf]

To me, blades seems like sort of a human thing. I view most of the orcs weapons as crude but effective weapons, usually not sharpened enough to, in my mind, merit the adjective "blade." But whatever.