- Joined
- Jun 21, 2011
- Messages
- 299
First of all before reading and get annoyed by how self-centered this thread is, it's just a share of my experiences with life if you don't like it then don't read it or comment about it.
Since my first encounter with this state of existence, I was trying to explain to myself what does it mean. As every person the road was full of painful moments and cognitive dissonance on my part for not being able to understand it, and why it happens like that, to be left like a beaten dog unable to understand what it did to be mistreated like that. I started like most of the people to blame everyone for my pain, I took the long and hard way rather than the easy way, as I am a stubborn person unable to learn from his mistakes even if he knew what are his mistakes. My first emotional burst was when I was 14 years old, for the first time iIhad urges of many sorts towards another person. Fool but an honest fool I was, Ignorant and still to this day, naive was my nature of engaging with a desired human being, as my peer ware more socially adapted than me they knew what pain was, but I thought that physical bullying was painful but I was wrong, I may have been beaten, leg cut with an axe, fingers cut by knife, falling from the third floor, broken bones, nose and so on. I wish I was there to tell myself"Yeah yeah b*tch ok everybody had this when they were young as well jeez", but I thought that I had it worse, imagine that
. I mean I was a total retard, and when someone said that in my face I took it as an insult, like I wasn't, while in fact, I was a socially underdeveloped ,it angers me to this day that because of this I had low confidence because I didn't step up and said "yes, yes I am and no ego of mine is going to say otherwise ".What does this have to do with love you would ask? Well, everything. Let me explain, my understanding of love, and how certain events in my life that have nothing to do with emotion like happiness, sexual desires, money or anything stereotypical about love...Ok, there is a little bit of stereotypical love.
My first encounter with the stereotypical understanding of term LOVE happened when a friend of mine introduced me to pornographic material. I was fascinated at first by this aspect of our existence that I didn't know about, I started to practice it daily slowing the progress of puberty (wish I knew this when I was young), I started to lose my enthusiasm, my energy level suddenly dropped, I was feeling miserable ,but I loved it. One of the reasons I lost interest in women. But one thing I didn't notice is that I found other men who were in relationships as fools, I saw the flaws that caused them to chase women, I lost my interest in women. The family thought that I was gay, for not having a girl, they took serious measures towards what they thought was a problem. I told them that there is a girl. First time I lied to anyone.Ok?NO, lesson still not learned. I secretly hang out with friends without telling my parents, did any activities that they prohibited like going to play with people, socializing with people, having fun with people, learning stuff from people so that I won't have to suffer later for being asocial. Note I didn't know that hanging with people is what I needed, but it was a miracle that a retarded kid as me just said:"Ah man there something missing, I don't know what it is but I guess it has to do with the outside world".Then things started happening, I noticed that there are nice people, but more like just people disguised as nice people. I was experiencing life, bitter as it always was, that's why my family didn't let me go hang out with people because that is what happened to them and they don't want their children to suffer as like they did. As naive I as I was, I certainly was I, child of my parents, I was naive like them like they were and still are naive to this day. I did indeed suffer worse than the kids of chill families(because let's admit it everyone suffers now and then)
Thanks to that parenting style I was feeling less confident and stupid, because I thought everything was nice and flowers, until the moment that my reality was shattered.
I was bullied by boys, girls, elders,f amily everyone both mentally and phisicaly.T hey told me that i was dumb,r etarded,weirdo,loser,imbred,psychopath,sociopath,future murdere and things like( people like you grow up to become man of power that exploit us to this day,y ou will become facist becouse people who are treated like you become psychopaths,oh you were bullied you,people like you end up in prisons,why are you so skinny put some muscle,eat more,you are so retarded but still there are people who will belive you its a shame,p eople like you should be killed,you are weak, and you know what we did with weak people,we beat the shit out of them becouse people like you aways end up as murderes, its good that others bully you better now than letter who know what you might become,you deserved to be bullied,why are you not confident and strong like you father,why are you not loke your parents,nothing good is going to come out of you and so on and so on)Most of you will say that my surounding was full of monsters, but if I was in your comunity as well you will treat me the same. I cried my whole childhood, it was miserable painful, and nothing came out of it,nothing got into my skull, I was too busy blaming others than seeing the full picture, I was self-centered little monster, even if was to meet with my younger self I will say the same things, beat the shit out of this little demon.
I didn't stand behind my words I wasn't honest with people, still, I convinced myself that in the good guy and everyone who disagrees with me is evil. I pretend to be strong but inside it scared a little cat. I started taking books seriously, read more often, my vocabulary was growing, my social skills were mindblowing, but this was just an illusion, I thought that I was learning, but reading and knowing things that other people said, and pretending to be someone else was the right and honest way to adapt. I was still naive. But my artificial confidence was boosted, and with that, my opinions started to spread like rabbits. It wasn't me, and just right now I realized that that is not me, I never was me, people destroyed me, and I was angry that my uniqueness was destroyed, but I still didn't want to blame myself for it. But mostly I always, whatever the circumstances are, I always think about myself(me, me, me, me, me......).Why am I so blind to change that is there some kind of magic that makes people always think about themselves and nobody else, or is there some other powers stronger but still mysterious that drive our lives.4 years ago I discovered Astrology(Yeah I know, I know not all of you believe in this nonsense but still listen, don't roll your eyes if you came so far). I don't want to force you into believing in astrology, but this moment in my life changed my perspective about me. Ok, I was in love with myself, so now what? Well, I found it as a problem as my life was just wasting away and I had no time to waste it on deep maters. I found out that the meaning of life is that special someone that I always dreamed of. I wanted her whoever she was, I need someone to save me from this rotten hole. I always wondered why I wanted to change in life, and to why I started working out, was not because of women but because I wanted to show my parents that I can take care of myself, that is, not the little hopeless boy anymore, I knew why I desired women,but why do i wanted woman just one woman in my life,not for just because of my sexual desires , society values or parents,not because I was in love with myself. Actually, that is why I needed one because I was in love with myself and I hated that not for any particular reason that I know yet. And here it came, the Buddhist inspired periods o my life. What a fool I was for thinking that Buddhist ways can help me because they are always being abused and we just never learn, I hated talking about myself, but I had a huge urge of doing so(talking about myself), man it was painful not talking about me, ME, ME......Wait what was I doing all my life I had followed other peoples opinions, I was done this to myself all of the painful memories of my childhood were all of my doing, I was so obsessed with myself, that I thought of creating this perfect image of a person according to peoples opinions.....I realize I didn't love myself because I always tried to change myself in any aspect. I was a needy person, I tried to appeal to peoples opinions so that they can like me,why did it took me 16 years to understand this,that all of this bullying was actually what I needed, that even when I was rejected by a female was because I was full of hate, that people tried to cure, they don't know this, I was in love with a fake person and that person was me.
In conclusion, because you've learned and found the roots of your problems that doesn't mean that you are that type of person which will stop doing the same old mistakes, I did end up the last month in a relationship(my first) with a girl,we broke up after I repeated an old mistake that I was fully aware of! So love your past never try to change your past, because in a sense this means that you hate yourself, this is who I am this what I do I learned that I can't learn from my mistakes and I'm totally ok with it, this also means that I'm not a suitable partner for anyone. I love my life because I know I can't do anything to change my past, just sit down and.......Love it.
And there even more as this is not my final conclusion to love.
So love, what is this, why is it so complicated. I don't know. Well, I don't know an explanation that everyone can associate with.But i have my own explanations.Everyone wont agree with me but love for me is a RESPONSIBILITY,not that cheap hllywood ilusion that you call true love. Real love has nothing to do with emotions only, emotions actually destroy relationships, because they are impulsive and they change daily, while love is till death. Still emotions make the small chunk of what love really is,they are part of it but a small part,another part is the rational understanding of love,becouse emotions are irational,and if they dominate the ralationship is done for it.I know its conservative type of explenation but what can you expect from a person who is agains self-change. What I think is that people must put their egos apart, if they are to have a relationship till death.They should forget about ME and start thinking about WE.
END!
Since my first encounter with this state of existence, I was trying to explain to myself what does it mean. As every person the road was full of painful moments and cognitive dissonance on my part for not being able to understand it, and why it happens like that, to be left like a beaten dog unable to understand what it did to be mistreated like that. I started like most of the people to blame everyone for my pain, I took the long and hard way rather than the easy way, as I am a stubborn person unable to learn from his mistakes even if he knew what are his mistakes. My first emotional burst was when I was 14 years old, for the first time iIhad urges of many sorts towards another person. Fool but an honest fool I was, Ignorant and still to this day, naive was my nature of engaging with a desired human being, as my peer ware more socially adapted than me they knew what pain was, but I thought that physical bullying was painful but I was wrong, I may have been beaten, leg cut with an axe, fingers cut by knife, falling from the third floor, broken bones, nose and so on. I wish I was there to tell myself"Yeah yeah b*tch ok everybody had this when they were young as well jeez", but I thought that I had it worse, imagine that
. I mean I was a total retard, and when someone said that in my face I took it as an insult, like I wasn't, while in fact, I was a socially underdeveloped ,it angers me to this day that because of this I had low confidence because I didn't step up and said "yes, yes I am and no ego of mine is going to say otherwise ".What does this have to do with love you would ask? Well, everything. Let me explain, my understanding of love, and how certain events in my life that have nothing to do with emotion like happiness, sexual desires, money or anything stereotypical about love...Ok, there is a little bit of stereotypical love.My first encounter with the stereotypical understanding of term LOVE happened when a friend of mine introduced me to pornographic material. I was fascinated at first by this aspect of our existence that I didn't know about, I started to practice it daily slowing the progress of puberty (wish I knew this when I was young), I started to lose my enthusiasm, my energy level suddenly dropped, I was feeling miserable ,but I loved it. One of the reasons I lost interest in women. But one thing I didn't notice is that I found other men who were in relationships as fools, I saw the flaws that caused them to chase women, I lost my interest in women. The family thought that I was gay, for not having a girl, they took serious measures towards what they thought was a problem. I told them that there is a girl. First time I lied to anyone.Ok?NO, lesson still not learned. I secretly hang out with friends without telling my parents, did any activities that they prohibited like going to play with people, socializing with people, having fun with people, learning stuff from people so that I won't have to suffer later for being asocial. Note I didn't know that hanging with people is what I needed, but it was a miracle that a retarded kid as me just said:"Ah man there something missing, I don't know what it is but I guess it has to do with the outside world".Then things started happening, I noticed that there are nice people, but more like just people disguised as nice people. I was experiencing life, bitter as it always was, that's why my family didn't let me go hang out with people because that is what happened to them and they don't want their children to suffer as like they did. As naive I as I was, I certainly was I, child of my parents, I was naive like them like they were and still are naive to this day. I did indeed suffer worse than the kids of chill families(because let's admit it everyone suffers now and then)
Thanks to that parenting style I was feeling less confident and stupid, because I thought everything was nice and flowers, until the moment that my reality was shattered.
I was bullied by boys, girls, elders,f amily everyone both mentally and phisicaly.T hey told me that i was dumb,r etarded,weirdo,loser,imbred,psychopath,sociopath,future murdere and things like( people like you grow up to become man of power that exploit us to this day,y ou will become facist becouse people who are treated like you become psychopaths,oh you were bullied you,people like you end up in prisons,why are you so skinny put some muscle,eat more,you are so retarded but still there are people who will belive you its a shame,p eople like you should be killed,you are weak, and you know what we did with weak people,we beat the shit out of them becouse people like you aways end up as murderes, its good that others bully you better now than letter who know what you might become,you deserved to be bullied,why are you not confident and strong like you father,why are you not loke your parents,nothing good is going to come out of you and so on and so on)Most of you will say that my surounding was full of monsters, but if I was in your comunity as well you will treat me the same. I cried my whole childhood, it was miserable painful, and nothing came out of it,nothing got into my skull, I was too busy blaming others than seeing the full picture, I was self-centered little monster, even if was to meet with my younger self I will say the same things, beat the shit out of this little demon.
I didn't stand behind my words I wasn't honest with people, still, I convinced myself that in the good guy and everyone who disagrees with me is evil. I pretend to be strong but inside it scared a little cat. I started taking books seriously, read more often, my vocabulary was growing, my social skills were mindblowing, but this was just an illusion, I thought that I was learning, but reading and knowing things that other people said, and pretending to be someone else was the right and honest way to adapt. I was still naive. But my artificial confidence was boosted, and with that, my opinions started to spread like rabbits. It wasn't me, and just right now I realized that that is not me, I never was me, people destroyed me, and I was angry that my uniqueness was destroyed, but I still didn't want to blame myself for it. But mostly I always, whatever the circumstances are, I always think about myself(me, me, me, me, me......).Why am I so blind to change that is there some kind of magic that makes people always think about themselves and nobody else, or is there some other powers stronger but still mysterious that drive our lives.4 years ago I discovered Astrology(Yeah I know, I know not all of you believe in this nonsense but still listen, don't roll your eyes if you came so far). I don't want to force you into believing in astrology, but this moment in my life changed my perspective about me. Ok, I was in love with myself, so now what? Well, I found it as a problem as my life was just wasting away and I had no time to waste it on deep maters. I found out that the meaning of life is that special someone that I always dreamed of. I wanted her whoever she was, I need someone to save me from this rotten hole. I always wondered why I wanted to change in life, and to why I started working out, was not because of women but because I wanted to show my parents that I can take care of myself, that is, not the little hopeless boy anymore, I knew why I desired women,but why do i wanted woman just one woman in my life,not for just because of my sexual desires , society values or parents,not because I was in love with myself. Actually, that is why I needed one because I was in love with myself and I hated that not for any particular reason that I know yet. And here it came, the Buddhist inspired periods o my life. What a fool I was for thinking that Buddhist ways can help me because they are always being abused and we just never learn, I hated talking about myself, but I had a huge urge of doing so(talking about myself), man it was painful not talking about me, ME, ME......Wait what was I doing all my life I had followed other peoples opinions, I was done this to myself all of the painful memories of my childhood were all of my doing, I was so obsessed with myself, that I thought of creating this perfect image of a person according to peoples opinions.....I realize I didn't love myself because I always tried to change myself in any aspect. I was a needy person, I tried to appeal to peoples opinions so that they can like me,why did it took me 16 years to understand this,that all of this bullying was actually what I needed, that even when I was rejected by a female was because I was full of hate, that people tried to cure, they don't know this, I was in love with a fake person and that person was me.
In conclusion, because you've learned and found the roots of your problems that doesn't mean that you are that type of person which will stop doing the same old mistakes, I did end up the last month in a relationship(my first) with a girl,we broke up after I repeated an old mistake that I was fully aware of! So love your past never try to change your past, because in a sense this means that you hate yourself, this is who I am this what I do I learned that I can't learn from my mistakes and I'm totally ok with it, this also means that I'm not a suitable partner for anyone. I love my life because I know I can't do anything to change my past, just sit down and.......Love it.
And there even more as this is not my final conclusion to love.
So love, what is this, why is it so complicated. I don't know. Well, I don't know an explanation that everyone can associate with.But i have my own explanations.Everyone wont agree with me but love for me is a RESPONSIBILITY,not that cheap hllywood ilusion that you call true love. Real love has nothing to do with emotions only, emotions actually destroy relationships, because they are impulsive and they change daily, while love is till death. Still emotions make the small chunk of what love really is,they are part of it but a small part,another part is the rational understanding of love,becouse emotions are irational,and if they dominate the ralationship is done for it.I know its conservative type of explenation but what can you expect from a person who is agains self-change. What I think is that people must put their egos apart, if they are to have a relationship till death.They should forget about ME and start thinking about WE.
END!
