Journals of War

[Fussiler1]

The Charge

''Load your gun.. and fire!'' -- This order was shouted around, seemingly, everywhere, and everywhere it was followed. Bullets flew forward, piercing the meat and the bodies of their enemies.. they seemed to drop as flies, but yet, they kept coming.. numberless, to him, they simply kept coming. Shadowy figures with those damn hats on, that's all he could see from his position. Nonetheless, even though he realized they were humans, he feared them. Nightmares had haunted his dreams since he had gotten here, in this Vishnu-forsaken place..

''Fifty meters!''

He quickly loaded his gun, putting the bullets in without much precision. Though, a bullet on the wrong place could made the device explode, but he didn't care anymore. He wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. He put his gun on the wooden barricades, aiming with his one eye.

''Fourty meters!''

The hats, as he and his friends called them, finally got closer, and they encouraged their horses to even go faster and faster..

''FIRE!'' was the command heard, and thus he pulled the trigger with a shaky finger, and once more the bullets went forward, and the horses fell down, trampling their riders at times, or even breaking their neck when they fell.. it was a horrifying face, yet, it was also fascinating. However, this did not stop the advance of the enemy, and they started even riding faster towards his position, faster...

''Thiry meters, fire!''

Suddenly, he jumped up as he saw a huge explosion, that vaguely resembled a fiery inferno, very hot. More powerful then the strongest meteor, crashing down into the earth. He looked up once more and saw the fire grow and grow as it consumed the riders. Rather terrifying, in his opinion. However, the fire suddenly stopped growing as it got out of things to consume, and it went slowly down, it's once bright colours now completely disappeared and banished to the realm of dreams.
At least they had support of the artillery.. he thought bitterly.

''Twenty meters!''

However, the artillery had not stopped the advance of the many, many enemies. Their screams and roars got closer, and now his hand shook unbelievably as he reloaded his gun, aimed it, and fired it, without waiting for the command. He noticed that many did exactly the same, for at 20 meters, there was no time left to fire in an orderly fashion.

''TEN METERS! Prepare yourself!"

He nodded to himself in silence and attached his bayonet to his gun in ten seconds, waiting for them to come. He mumbled one more prayer to Brahma, asking to protect him in battle. Then, he simply looked up and saw the horses jump over their position, by thousands or hundreds. Like spirits, they were there for a moment and then disapppeared, but this was a spectacle. Screams filled the air while he was amazed, and the enemy advanced into their trenches and defensive works after they had dismounted. Awoken, he looked around and saw with terror that he and several men more had been trapped in the trench, and from both sides enemies were advancing. He had to get out of thisn deathtrap.. NOW! In fear, he looked around and saw only one alternative. Panicking and clueless, he simply climbed up, with all his strength. Pulling and pulling his body up, suddenly, Ahandir felt an arm trying to restrain him for escaping.

 

[ashbringer753]

A well written scenario, i like how you make it really mysterious and slowly giving precisions about what is happening...
The feelings of the Hindu soldier is well represented, I'm really looking forward to read the next part.

 

[Fussiler1]

Thank you for your kind comment. You can expect an update soon,

 

[Fussiler1]

Lazy as hell lately, but I had some free time, so here's the next part.

The Battlefield

As he screamed in terror, the arm was joined by another arm and they both tried to pull him down, with all the strength the man had, who was pulling him down. Ahandir almost let loose, and as he was about to do so, suddenly, the arms stopped and as he looked down, he had been stabbed to death by a bayonet. He quickly climbed up, hoping to leave the place, forsaken by Brahma and Vishnu.. and as he stood up, he looked around and saw a battlefield of horsemen, soldiers and the enemy. The enemy. They had been scattered, yet they were pressing on, trying to break the line and encircle the trenches.

As he stared at the battlefield, shaking in fear, he suddenly saw a dark-coloured man with a red hat -- typical -- charging him. He had no time to be afraid anymore, he had no time to think anymore. Simply, as if in a reflex, he thrusted his rifle forward and pierced the stomach of the man, who stumbled back and fell down, his eyes widening, his face going pale as he died. Ahandir looked in disgust at the blood-stained bayonet and had the intense urge to puke over it. Even though his family had been of the warrior-caste, he despised this. He would be the disgrace of the family, but he didn't care anymore. He despised the world, he despised his family, and he cursed upwards to Shiva in sudden attack of rage.

He looked to the north -- all he saw was the desert where he would be buried. Ahandir glared at the south, and only saw the war he was fighting, the enemy rampaging. He looked to the west and he saw the sun, the last sun he would probably see.

He turned to the east, and all he could see were the forts, the trenches. He would die here.
____________________________________________________________

They say desperate men are the most ferocious fighters to walk the planet. They are right.
____________________________________________________________

Ahandir once more looked at the battlefield, and suddenly, his eye catched the limbless body of a soldier, and he recognized the face.. the man had served in the same regiment as he had. If he recalled correctly, it was Ahmed, an Indian muslim from Delhi. He had never got to know him or actually say something to him, as he had only listened to his words. Yet, seeing someone he saw before dying sent him in a shivering shock. Then, before the body of Ahmed, suddenly another men fell down as he fought with the enemy.

He resisted.

He would not go down without a fight, he said to himself. He would die like a warrior, he mumbled to himself. He would honour this man.

Roaring, he charged forward and stabbed the man that had killed the dying soldier. Right in the shoulder, the man screamed and tried to run away, but Ahandir simply pulled the trigger and shot him in the back. Just before that, he had realized that he still had bullets in his rifle.. and so, from his position, he looked around for enemies and simply started shooting them, as if he did so every day. He would do so until his bullets would be up.

He checked his rifle.

Last bullet.

Ahandir aimed at a random soldier and then pulled the trigger, causing the bullet to fly forward and land in the flesh of the unlucky one, who stumbled on, finally, after a while, falling to the earth. Turning around, planning to charge once more into the mass of enemies in front of him, he saw figures in the distance, figures that came from the artillery fort in the distance..

''Saved!" he shouted to himself in incredible happiness, his trance of killing finally gone. He wanted to celebrate, to drink and feast! For he would not die today, he realized, for he would live on! ''Life! I will LIVE!''

Then, a hellish pain could be felt in his back, and his face went pale. It was.. something sharp. Ahandir stumbled forward, having the bayonet slice in his meat as he tried to get away. He got dizzy, and everything seemed to get vaguer and vaguer. So close, he realized.. he looked at the distant figures, and as his eyesight slowly faltered, he could only see the flag of Saint George before all got black.

All.. black.

 

[Gyrosphinx]

Exceptional... truly well written, comrade.

 

[Fussiler1]

Thank you, comrade Gyrosphinx. An update can be expected soon.

 

[ashbringer753]

Nice continuity, but some stuff seems illogical, i don;t think the soldier should have the time to look around him so much in the Battlefield. And I don't think anyone can feel happiness in a battlefield, where he is surrounded by his dead friends. The rest is very good still...

 

[hawk_767]

Tis a good story I will agree. Some of the description could probably use a bit of work. Basic tip, rely on your senses. You seem to have site down well but try explaining other things this guy could be feeling. What does he smell, the smell of gun powder clogged his nose letting him breath in little else. What does he feel, the muck from the trench covered his skin like a thin sheet of armor, causing him to itch and figit uncomfortably. Maybe he can taste the gun powder in the back of his through or the mud on his lips or the sweat also from his lips or fingers.

Just describing little details like that can really add to the work. I know it's a really basic idea but believe me I've forgotten about it plenty of times and realized what an impact it has on the writing afterwords.

As for not looking around on a battlefield, that would be quite common especially in an event like this. Your disoriented, your afraid, and your basically "alone." Of course he'd be looking around for someone, something to save him from his feelings and fears and he'd also focus on certain things like a familiar face or a safe haven or the tide of enemies rushing across and into the trenches.

Anyways, good piece. Only other issues would be simple grammatical one. I don't know if your first language is English or not but ya just some little things. Good job though and hope to see and read more.

BTW is this based on a historical battle or purely conceptual? Sorry I don't have much of an education in terms of Indian history especially wars and such ^^.

 

[Fussiler1]

Nice continuity, but some stuff seems illogical, i don;t think the soldier should have the time to look around him so much in the Battlefield. And I don't think anyone can feel happiness in a battlefield, where he is surrounded by his dead friends. The rest is very good still...

Thanks for your opinion, glad to have a loyal reader,

Tis a good story I will agree. Some of the description could probably use a bit of work. Basic tip, rely on your senses. You seem to have site down well but try explaining other things this guy could be feeling. What does he smell, the smell of gun powder clogged his nose letting him breath in little else. What does he feel, the muck from the trench covered his skin like a thin sheet of armor, causing him to itch and figit uncomfortably. Maybe he can taste the gun powder in the back of his through or the mud on his lips or the sweat also from his lips or fingers.

Just describing little details like that can really add to the work. I know it's a really basic idea but believe me I've forgotten about it plenty of times and realized what an impact it has on the writing afterwords.

As for not looking around on a battlefield, that would be quite common especially in an event like this. Your disoriented, your afraid, and your basically "alone." Of course he'd be looking around for someone, something to save him from his feelings and fears and he'd also focus on certain things like a familiar face or a safe haven or the tide of enemies rushing across and into the trenches.

Anyways, good piece. Only other issues would be simple grammatical one. I don't know if your first language is English or not but ya just some little things. Good job though and hope to see and read more.

Hmm.. very good points, I'll try to also describe the little things. ^^

BTW is this based on a historical battle or purely conceptual? Sorry I don't have much of an education in terms of Indian history especially wars and such ^^.

It's a bit of historical fiction, actually. It's mainly based on the Suez offensive, but I decided to use my own fantasy for the battles.

 

[The World Is Flat]

Review

Well I'd like to start of by saying: Wonderful scene, it really captured me. both of your parts, well written, they drew me in well, and i felt myself waiting for more.

However, some of your descriptions, and the way that your character reflects some of his feelings just seems a bit faux, as if he is unsure of exactly how he feels, which to me is insane, because war is the most obviously horrifying thing imaginable.

Your description of the artillerys strike also seemed absolutly redundant, a giant explosion is an inferno.

But I did enjoy it, you have a very good way of managing a stories plot and flow, so its very readable, i commend you on it.

Plot And Foreshadowing
Was your plot intriging? was it well structured, thought out and executed? Was it linear or did it have plot twists? Was it confusing or Straightforward? Did you provide forshadowing for events? How well executed was it? Was it Boring and unoriginal, or did you make somthing fresh happen?
25 Points

Theres nothing new under the sun, but your rendition of a battlefield warscene was enrapturing and worked well for me.
21

Characterization
How well developed were your Characters? Were they well structured, interesting, and balanced? Did they capture the readers imagination? Were they original, or did they follow common archetypes? were they over-dramatized? Did one character have too much influence over the plot? Were the characters underutilized, and have too litte influence? Did you care and/or feel for them? Did your Pair work well together? Did they fit within the framework of your story?
25 Points

Introduced quickly, and in a emotionally tense atmosphere, worked for me.
20

Descriptions
Were your Descriptions eloquently scripted? Did they make sense, and capture the readers imagination, Did you use proper english? Did the descriptions rely on one factor or another? were they repetitive? Is there enough action between descriptions? Do they change from perspective to perspective? Do they change too much or too litte? Were they too heavy, or too light? Did they bog the reader down or continue to advance the story?
25 Points

Light, and fast, but the flow is kept up well, but still, perhaps too light. Some of your descriptions lack and are a little redundant, but overall, I cant argue with the results of pace and flow.
17

Perspective and Contrast
Did the Perspectives contrast well? Were they portrayed equally? Was the perspective unique, or were they too similar? Did all events happen the same from both perspectives? Did they happen differently? Is the feel of the story the same? Is it different? Too different? Do the perspectives assits Characterization, Description and Plot?
25 Points

Solid, well written, and steady.
19

TOTAL
89

Awesome!

- TWIF

 

[Fussiler1]

Review

Review

Well I'd like to start of by saying: Wonderful scene, it really captured me. both of your parts, well written, they drew me in well, and i felt myself waiting for more.

However, some of your descriptions, and the way that your character reflects some of his feelings just seems a bit faux, as if he is unsure of exactly how he feels, which to me is insane, because war is the most obviously horrifying thing imaginable.

Your description of the artillerys strike also seemed absolutly redundant, a giant explosion is an inferno.

But I did enjoy it, you have a very good way of managing a stories plot and flow, so its very readable, i commend you on it.

Plot And Foreshadowing
Was your plot intriging? was it well structured, thought out and executed? Was it linear or did it have plot twists? Was it confusing or Straightforward? Did you provide forshadowing for events? How well executed was it? Was it Boring and unoriginal, or did you make somthing fresh happen?
25 Points

Theres nothing new under the sun, but your rendition of a battlefield warscene was enrapturing and worked well for me.
21

Characterization
How well developed were your Characters? Were they well structured, interesting, and balanced? Did they capture the readers imagination? Were they original, or did they follow common archetypes? were they over-dramatized? Did one character have too much influence over the plot? Were the characters underutilized, and have too litte influence? Did you care and/or feel for them? Did your Pair work well together? Did they fit within the framework of your story?
25 Points

Introduced quickly, and in a emotionally tense atmosphere, worked for me.
20

Descriptions
Were your Descriptions eloquently scripted? Did they make sense, and capture the readers imagination, Did you use proper english? Did the descriptions rely on one factor or another? were they repetitive? Is there enough action between descriptions? Do they change from perspective to perspective? Do they change too much or too litte? Were they too heavy, or too light? Did they bog the reader down or continue to advance the story?
25 Points

Light, and fast, but the flow is kept up well, but still, perhaps too light. Some of your descriptions lack and are a little redundant, but overall, I cant argue with the results of pace and flow.
17

Perspective and Contrast
Did the Perspectives contrast well? Were they portrayed equally? Was the perspective unique, or were they too similar? Did all events happen the same from both perspectives? Did they happen differently? Is the feel of the story the same? Is it different? Too different? Do the perspectives assits Characterization, Description and Plot?
25 Points

Solid, well written, and steady.
19

TOTAL
89

Awesome!

- TWIF

All I can say is thanks -- thanks a lot. I really appreciate the effort!

+rep for you good sir!

By the way, I haven't updated this in a while because of the Story Contest, but since that is now over.. expect an update soon!