- Joined
- Dec 9, 2007
- Messages
- 2
So im pretty new to writing, and id like all the help i can get. But i will never learn anything from just listening and reading what people tell me to do, or what they do themselves. So please read this small fragment of literature and post some constructive criticism.
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Peter slammed into the massive oak and slid down to the roots. His chest heaved and swelled with every breath. His face was red and his skin was pale. His clothes were layered in sweat. His eyes darted this way and that, his ears opened at every sound he picked up.
"Oh my god...Oh my god." It came flooded back into his mind. The blood, Adam's wild screams of panic and pain. He had turned to run, something had hit him. When he turned to see what it was, it was a arm, Adam's own arm. He had screamed and ran for what seemed hours until he stopped.
He began to cry, now a child again. All the maturity left his body when the memory of his friends death had invaded. He had dropped his sword for feet of speed, and lost his battle cry for a embarrassing wail.
He was breathing much easier after sorting out his thoughts, but the tears ran free, salty and warm down his face, wetting his lips were the sweat failed too. Then a boom shook the ground, another, and another. Peter stood up and began to run again. All pain and fatigue in his muscles was pushed away, he only knew fear and how to sprint.
He ran until he slipped on a rock and fell down a long slope. Peter tried to keep his arms around his head, but something tough smashed into him. He screamed as his arm went limp, then lay still.
The boy staggered up and looked below him too see a river, fed by three waterfalls that came out of the cliffs. He felt himself trapped. He was eager to move on despite the burning his his lungs and the pain his arm bore.
Where a boom only shook the ground, the roar that was ushered forth from the forest made the ground tremble and weep. Peter didn't even have time to think again as he flung himself off the cliff, a good twenty feet into the water below.
The kid landed odd, straight on his back. Everything felt fuzzy and his vision was surrounded by a black ring. As he looked up out of the water, two eyes of hellfire pierced his soul from above, and he knew no more as the water embraced him.
__________________________________________________________________
Peter slammed into the massive oak and slid down to the roots. His chest heaved and swelled with every breath. His face was red and his skin was pale. His clothes were layered in sweat. His eyes darted this way and that, his ears opened at every sound he picked up.
"Oh my god...Oh my god." It came flooded back into his mind. The blood, Adam's wild screams of panic and pain. He had turned to run, something had hit him. When he turned to see what it was, it was a arm, Adam's own arm. He had screamed and ran for what seemed hours until he stopped.
He began to cry, now a child again. All the maturity left his body when the memory of his friends death had invaded. He had dropped his sword for feet of speed, and lost his battle cry for a embarrassing wail.
He was breathing much easier after sorting out his thoughts, but the tears ran free, salty and warm down his face, wetting his lips were the sweat failed too. Then a boom shook the ground, another, and another. Peter stood up and began to run again. All pain and fatigue in his muscles was pushed away, he only knew fear and how to sprint.
He ran until he slipped on a rock and fell down a long slope. Peter tried to keep his arms around his head, but something tough smashed into him. He screamed as his arm went limp, then lay still.
The boy staggered up and looked below him too see a river, fed by three waterfalls that came out of the cliffs. He felt himself trapped. He was eager to move on despite the burning his his lungs and the pain his arm bore.
Where a boom only shook the ground, the roar that was ushered forth from the forest made the ground tremble and weep. Peter didn't even have time to think again as he flung himself off the cliff, a good twenty feet into the water below.
The kid landed odd, straight on his back. Everything felt fuzzy and his vision was surrounded by a black ring. As he looked up out of the water, two eyes of hellfire pierced his soul from above, and he knew no more as the water embraced him.
