I wrote this for a short-story competition and I was wondering what you guys thought of it before I sent it off. I appreciate your feedback. ^.^
I understand there might be some teensy mistakes. If you find one, don't both pointing it out. I still haven't proof-read it completely.
Smoke billowed into the sky from the distance and the sky had turned dark red. Fires were sweeping through the lands with haste and toward the tranquil town of Kinglake. The scent of corrosive smoke flowed with the wind together as one. The sky was beginning to darken as night dawned on Victoria. That was the only way people could tell whether it was night or day because the sun was draped by the foul gasses howling across the terrain. Rough winds battered Kinglake, bringing with it debris and worst of all, the flame itself. The flame was like an unstoppable horde, merciless and entangled with fury yet magnificent to the foolish human eye. Already citizens began to heed the message of Mother Nature and piled into the streets with their cars. The Virgo brothers were not of those many, and with their home in Kinglake’s outskirts, time was obviously not on their side.
“Hurry up you moron!” James yelled from the front door of his brother’s rental property. “We have no time to gather your worthless and uncredited high school junk!”
Jason Virgo was hurrying to place every single medallion, ribbon, and trophy into a single cardboard box. His hands like a snake lunging for prey as he quickly snatched his items of worth from the throne of simply him.” But these are all I have! You have your high-paying New York law firm; I have a job at a grocery store! Leave me the hell alone,” he yelled back in defiance.
James fiddled with his iPhone, his ears flaring. The smoke’s intensity began to get to him and he choked slightly. “Oh, you make me angry!” He decreed. James slammed the front door behind him and headed for his cherry-red Ferrari, covering his nose and mouth with his hand and opening the door quickly. Before smoke could dominate his car, he hauled his whole body in and closed the door in a few seconds. The car revved to life and sped out of the driveway. Okay. Time to get out of this place. Suddenly, James heard an abrupt crashing sound and gasped at the emerging outline of a tree falling on his car roof, shattering every window. Shards of tinted glass covered his expensive ensemble. James cursed loudly and emerged from his car, bloodied.
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Jason taped the box shut and caressed it under his muscular arms. Muscles he earned from high school and his long-standing career as a grocery store manager. Before anything, he reached out for his refrigerator and pulled hard, almost breaking the fridge door handle from its weak hinges. He pushed his arm forward and withdrew a slab of beer. “Right. I am all set. Jam—” He paused, observing his surroundings. No James. His brother had gone MIA. That was not his concern now. Getting the hell away was.
Smoke began to fill the room and James could spot the fires, even in the tempest of debris and smoke. He was flabbergasted. Such an amazing sight… He thought to himself. The fire blazed gloriously and embers were being tossed left and right. Reds, yellows and oranges all shimmered in James’ window. A pillar of smoke beamed from the hilly terrain. James coughed and choked, bringing himself back from the mesmerizing sight of untamed fire. The front yard would be too risky to go through. James manoeuvred himself to the backyard and kicked the wooden fence down with an unknown force. A surge of pain was unleashed from his toe. “Damnit!” He cursed at his foot, aware he may have broken it. He jumped over the fallen fence. His vision begun to get blurry as the wind gushed past him. Jason weaved his way through the labyrinth of hedges in his neighbour’s property, occasionally stomping on a garden gnome that stood in his path.
All he had to do was find the lake, dive in, and wait for this whole mess to be over. However, some part of him worried about his brother. Was he already at the lake?
He hoped so. His brother had been the one who gave Jason the money to rent and the support during his life endeavours, despite all of the bad things Jason had done to James. Including stealing James’ fiancé from him only a couple of years back and judging him for pursuing what he wanted.
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James heard a scream in the distance. Hollow, but definitely a scream. He shuddered at the thought that the fires were literally burning some of the neighbouring people – possible friends of Jason’s –. His eyes became victim to the smoke and debris, including a shard of glass that the wind had gallantly jammed into his left eye. James screamed in agony and slumped right against the Ferrari. He felt feeble and bullied by the voluptuous flames, but obviously, the heat and smoke were draining him of his energy. James felt as if he was being consumed by a demon. A demon made purely from fire and heat.
He lifted his iPhone to his chest and began to dial slowly and put it to his ear. “J-Jason?” He queried as the phone went straight to voice mail. “Help… p-please…” He muttered, dropping the iPhone and pulling his knees to his chest. James was smeared in soot and sweat and knew his fate was sealed. He would die.
He lowered his head, dropped it into his knees, and began to sob. It was his end and like many, he did not get to say good-bye to his loved ones.
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Jason cuddled his box of memories close to his heart as he sprinted toward the lake. He could see people, his friends, his neighbours, his future living very far from the bush. He took a breath and charged toward the lake, its shimmering waters beckoning him to dive in. However, the waters did not beckon him enough to distract him from the word that he wished he could forget or the person who had that word as a name.
James.
The name made him shiver, even in the charring heat. James was his watcher despite that fact he was a year younger. Even in school, James protected Jason physically and emotionally and even though he was suffering from his own homework dilemmas, helped Jason with his schoolwork. Yet Jason, though James was always there, took from him his beloved Luisa.
“I told you, she was mine! You are a filthy, gutter-spoken crack head!” James beamed, half-sobbing, half-angry. James could not believe what his brother was saying. His fists clenched so much that he felt his knuckles about to burst through the thin veneer of skin.
“I couldn’t help it,” Jason decreed. He too was angry. Not at James and not at Luisa. However, he was angry with himself, ‘a filthy, gutter-spoken crack head'. “She and I have some kind of bond, it is cataclysmic!”
“Cataclysmic? You do not even know the Goddamn meaning of the word. You stole Luisa from me. Seduced her and used her against me. You know what, Jason Alexander Virgo,” He paused and turned his back from his brother, loosening the grip of his fists. “Take her. I. Hate. You.” James then walked away toward his car. Back then, it was a near-collapsed Volkswagen. As James left, Jason just stood there on the rugged bike track, frozen like an obsidian statue. He could not do anything else. It was a done deal. Yet at that point, he figured the bond between Luisa and he would have been broken because that bond was James.
Jason was deep in thought when a large and seismic explosion erupted in the distance. His ears burned with agony and began to throb as if they had a heart inside of them. Chunks of near-black wood and broken kitchen appliances rained over the area and ash began to churn with the clouds of smoke in the sky. The sky was a deadly crimson, like a crusted blood. Jason finally stepped into the waters of Kinglake, and with every muscle and ounce of energy left, began to run in and dived into the cool lake. Relief filled Jason. All he had to do was wait…
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It is April now. Over two months had past since Black Saturday. Kinglake was nothing but a wasteland still constantly ravaged by small flames. Collapsed homes and shops as well as charred gardens lined the streets, but worst of all, the victims of Black Saturday lay dead. Curled up or huddled with their families. Amongst those was James Virgo, brother of Jason Virgo and a top-notch lawyer in NYC. Jason had tried to find a way to redeem himself to his younger and magnificent brother and failed. He was trying to find a way back, a way back to being brothers, a way back to re-ignite the link that made them family.
Now, all he could do was stare down at his little brother’s body in the morgue and sob with constant remorse and guilt. Why had I lived…?
I understand there might be some teensy mistakes. If you find one, don't both pointing it out. I still haven't proof-read it completely.
