Tilt Shift Blacksmith

Level 25
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Actually, that was a feeling. "felt like it was coming out of his mouth". It's literally impossible for water to flow in that manner. Just the physics of water flowing in the snaking pathway that is your intenstines. Trying to describe the sound of the water will lessen the effect of the landing. Interpreting everything literally is a bad practice, m'kay? :eek:

Mostly because things are basically exploding overhead, I'm not sure you'd hear the splash of the water. As for pain, he's pretty shocked. A person who is significantly pumped with adrenaline and shock will not register pain until they relax. Also, how can words affect you that badly? It's just words. :eek:
 
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San

San

Level 33
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Sep 23, 2012
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I personally think story like this is harder to get feedback from readers, in the current stage at least, we simply don't know what is going on in the world. As Directive have stated; we don't know the characters' motive, its strange people going through random event, in a mystery mysterious way, with some hilarious twist, so we can only wait until something's really going on. Not to mention its Hive here. ;p

Also, I want a gecko that greets me with Sup too, but I don't have any apple juice.
 
Level 32
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So, as promised, I read the first chapter, and here are my thoughts:

The idea seems nice, and I like the somewhat confusing opener, it keeps the reader intrigued.

But.

You seriously need to check up on your grammar, sentence structure and overall logical writing
if you intend to keep writing in English. There are loads of mistakes, loads of things that doesn't
make any sense, and loads of things that feels either excessive, or straight out completely
misplaced. As an example, there is the tense problem I mentioned in chat.

Furthermore, your main character doesn't make much sense at all. For a person that gets transported
from his kitchen to a swamp with absolutely no explanation, he's rather calm. He has a calm and near
non-caring attitude toward corpses and dead people, and apparently the only thing that can really scare
him is a giant spider. But it doesn't scare him for long, as you suddenly just stop the entire chase,
so abruptly that I had to go back and see if I missed something. But no, one moment he's running for
his life, and the next he is admiring the sky, it's very choppy and very weirdly paced. He also ponders
on the weirdest of things and as he openly admits himself "he's not a very clever man."

I don't like him, he's not very believable, not very likeable, and not at all interesting enough. A main
character needs to be at least one of these things to hold a reader's interest. I really advice you work
on your character design and consider more closely the actions of the characters in the future.

I'm really sorry, but most of what I read really has a very "awkward" feel about it, it's not particularly
funny, it's not particularly exciting, and it's not particularly well written. I think you should, instead of
pouring out more chapters, go back and focus on the chapters you have already written, go over the
grammar, go over the structure, go through the sequences and ask yourself "are these believable?"
"Would a character like this react to this like that?" "Is this a necessary detail?"

Don't just write to write, let it make sense, let it convey meaning.
 
Level 25
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So, as promised, I read the first chapter, and here are my thoughts:

The idea seems nice, and I like the somewhat confusing opener, it keeps the reader intrigued.

Thank you. :D

You seriously need to check up on your grammar, sentence structure and overall logical writing if you intend to keep writing in English.
I was expecting some more direct input in the google document, but I appreciate you pointing out that there is a problem. Granted, I'm not sure what needs fixing personally, but given time, I suppose I will. Might go faster with a few examples.

There are loads of mistakes, loads of things that doesn't make any sense, and loads of things that feels either excessive, or straight out completely
misplaced. As an example, there is the tense problem I mentioned in chat.
I fixed the one you mentioned in chat about the past tense. Got any more examples of something else I missed? As for the "tears" part. It's english, depending on context you can have tears rolling down your cheeks and you can have someone tearing something apart. Tear and Tear sound different in these two instances. I can emphasize that it is the latter by adding some more detail after that comment though.

Furthermore, your main character doesn't make much sense at all.

I don't like him, he's not very believable, not very likeable, and not at all interesting enough. A main
character needs to be at least one of these things to hold a reader's interest. I really advice you work
on your character design and consider more closely the actions of the characters in the future.

I'm really sorry, but most of what I read really has a very "awkward" feel about it, it's not particularly funny, it's not particularly exciting, and it's not particularly well written.

I appreciate your thoughts, I would've loved to see you point out at least some errors in the google document, but after waiting a year, I'm glad to finally get the input I desired. Thank you for checking it out, even though you didn't like it.
 
Level 11
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472
I thought @MiniMage wanted it to kind of switch radically without giving the reader any explanation about the cause.But why do we need it anyway?Can't we just immagine the realm of endless posibilities on how Christopher "spawns" where he does.

EDIT: Plus there are books that don't make any sense until you read the whole book.
 
Level 32
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I didn't mean to come off as offensive, and I don't hope you took it that way.

I was merely sharing my thoughts, and you're right, I could provide some examples.

Which is why I went over the document and added some notes in the first chapter.

I hope it helps.
 
Level 19
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Jul 2, 2011
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2,161
I wish I could publish my stories on the hive, it seems you are getting some real feed back

much better than fanfiction.net or wattpad where reviews are stripped down to shout outs like, 'hey great work' which doesn't help a writer at all! it also makes one very paranoid since you begin to believe no one is actually reading, just commenting.... which is a weird thought but it happens
 
Level 25
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Well, I've been looking all over the place, shamelessly advertising the story. I just kinda update here still in the hopes that the hivers are still reading it, but most of my input is received in my discord channel. I got about thirty regular readers in there. Fanfiction still feels like a waste of time in my opinion. There's so much time spent into building something up and you never get anything from it. It can be beautifully structured, with genius level writing, but it wont matter, because the end result is a baby that doesn't belong to you.
 
Level 19
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I'm just saying, if you're gonna spend months writing something, ending up with something you can say is legitimately a hundred percent yours, is a far more satisfying feeling.
I'm just saying, if you're gonna spend months writing something, ending up with something you can say is legitimately a hundred percent yours, is a far more satisfying feeling.
I Do have my own stories but, as said, fanfiction is good practice

there is no point in writing for myself and in a few months finding out I've improved so much that my previous chapters are rubbish by comparison

it would be a waste of my time putting in all that effort into my own work only to realise the beginning needs revision to match my new ability. I've done it before and after revising 90 000 words 4 times I realised fan fiction is the answer

you don't need to revise fan fiction if you don't want to, and there is a larger audience willing to give your pointers and criticism on character development on characters they already know.

fan fiction has a lot more rules, making it a lot more difficult. the perfect test and intensity to improve a writer's work over time
 
Level 19
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I kinda enjoy rewriting earlier chapters when I feel my ability has increased. It feels like polishing a gem.
your chapters are small, mine are 9000 words each

its a head ache for me at least but yes there is that one benefit of reading and enjoying your work from the point of view of the reader^-^

PS:

Just read a fascinating study that says 'People enjoy reading a book they can anticipate' now this doesn't mean that what they anticipate will come true, but it still improves the reader's experience if they have an understanding of what is to follow. Your stories lack that quality, I feel it is something you should work on
 
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Level 6
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Aug 26, 2017
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138
As promised I've read every single chapter you wrote and after reading the latest one I've decided to post up a review just as you requested.

Honestly, it's the most confusing work I've ever read. The first chapter deflated my interest in continuing to read further into the story when the character and action was almost awkward to read. On Chapter 1 for example, the main character was incredibly focused on finding his coffee mug for some reason when he was in the middle of a swamp or marsh after he recovered from something that could have been a near death experience. There was little information on how he looked, what he was wearing (oddly enough he just remembered he was wearing a santa beard when he started getting smeared with mud) and despite his fairly realistic reaction he was amazingly dumb. He was near a battlefield that had weapons scattered about but he was unable to pick one and defend himself from the attacking dog sized spider.

I read the other chapters while I was at work or had some free time and by the time I reached Chapter 7 it started to feel like a chore to do so.
I continued to read and despite the grammar errors, odd lines, incorrect punctuation and sentence structures it's not something that I would continue reading. Probably if I'm bored or have nothing else nearby to keep me busy.

By any means I do NOT mean to discourage you or tell you to stop writing. But to me it's confusing to read and a little difficult to piece together logic-wise. I'll probably read it till the end depending on how often you decide to put up the chapters, but I'll read once every 2-3 updates for a longer read when I'm either at work or have some free time.

My advice is to better your english and be much more attentive when you write or spell. Before you decide to put up a chapter you need to proof read it once or twice and even re-write it should something not make sense. I'll also advise you to find some personal critics or helpers to do the proof reading for you. If they are your friends then tell them to be as honest as possible and avoid using words such as: "It was incredible" or "There was nothing wrong with it". They must be as honest as possible even if it means they might say something bad or might point out flaws.
 
Level 25
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It's a mystery novel. I'm not sure why you powered through a novel if you don't even like the format. The confusing aspect is by design. The story is in the details. You need to have the energy, the mood and a certain level of analytical thought.

As far as your own recollection of the events goes. You're obviously not a man who scans for details. As the summary you presented is even incorrect. For example; There's no mention of a santa beard anywhere in my story. There's a santa hat. That's not the same as a santa beard. When you've reached about chapter 8, you'll have a pretty good image of how the lead looks like. You'll also know how he acts like, his past, mannerisms and his personality. You'll also realize that maybe he's not completely normal. You're confused because you assume the lead is supposed to be normal. Even though I thought I made it pretty clear in Chapter 1 that he's not.

Also, what weapons are you referring to? Are you referring to the broken swords, shattered spears and the general broken equipment in that scene in chapter 1? What do you want him to defend himself with? Splinters? What? Despite the obvious arachnophobia?

So many people find gaps in information and instead of acknowledging the gap, people think up something to fill the gap, confusing themselves endlessly. The absence of information is a clue. The gap, itself, is a clue. Why do you try to fill gaps if you have nothing to fill it with? The only real difference with my novel and most others in this genre is the fact that I do not have exposition, I don't hand the information on a silver platter.

I've had plenty of constructive criticism. Some people that disliked it. So they read as long as they enjoyed it. Also, if you dislike reading it, the fuck are you reading it for? What are you? A glutton for punishment? If you even deem it a chore? Why? I mean, reading 18 chapters, just for the sake of reading, despite disliking the genre? Why would you do that?

If there's an inconsistency or an error, feel free to point it out. If it's something I messed up, I would fix it. Like I've been doing continuously. This is not good for my Christmas mood. You should've saved this critique a few days in my opinion. I still don't really get your logic. It's like trying to read the Lord of the Rings books when you despise long descriptions and fantasy.

Anyhow, my point is this; If you thought it was a chore to read at chapter 7. You should've stopped reading then and there.
 
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Level 6
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138
It was something about a santa attire piece on his body that I've poorly remembered and/or worded. It's a reflex of mine of not holding to memory something that loses my interest or does a poor performance of getting my attention or entertaining me.

I did read mystery novels before (Paper Towns, I Hunt Killers, Confessions of a Murder Suspect, One of Us is Lying, The Westing Game; of which I recommend) and they weren't as odd as your works to be honest. I distinctly remember in the first chapter a mentioning of a field that was littered with weapons and bodies before the character ran away from a spider that crawled out of nowhere, there was no mentioning of him suffering of arachnophobia to give the reader more insight. Unless you've edited it that's what I remember last I've read it.

I wouldn't go as far as calling someone a "glutton for punishment" or so easily result to slurs. The reason why I read this long was because you asked me in a private message where you presented your novel and asked for criticism as well as my opinion. I was also bored. In 12 hours of work I'd do anything to kill time, including reading what I might dislike or what I wouldn't normally read.
 
Level 25
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If your reflex is to forget details, this was really not at all a match with you then. As per normal analytical thinking, it involves a methodical step-by-step approach to thinking that allows you to break down complex problems into single and manageable components. You first gather the information. Then you identify Issues and Problems. These issues could include an intentionally lacking description, or a limited one. Or an intentional gap in the storytelling. Then finally, you organize the information. You can't fill in a gap if you don't have the corresponding puzzle piece. The pieces are presented throughout. That is why your perception of events and characters changes when you think back on earlier chapters after you've read a bit. I go by the concept, show, don't tell. The signs are there. It's rather obvious. All you need to do is gather the information as you are reading.

Currently the amount of people who have read the story is in the hundreds, something that I am rather proud of. I also have a handful individuals such as yourself that confused themselves endlessly. They, like you, assumed that if you powered through the story quickly, you'd get to some kind of exposition wall which would explain everything for you. Which is a strange concept, but some people, they expect that for some reason.

The examples you presented are all novels created for teens and children, which are very common to be simplified to be easier to swallow for younger minds. That does not mean those are by any means bad books, just that less thinking is involved. Most of the cinematic mystery works in the US are very common to be based on these types of books and thus, on a whole, most Americans tend to prefer to have things explained to them. That's the reason why some more complex books, once they transform into movies, end up being simplified immensely. Just because the target audience typically would not understand it otherwise. That is not to say that only Americans will fall for this fallacy.

Notable examples are for example, the paradoxical movie "Interstellar" that for some reason had hundreds upon hundreds of "Explanation" videos posted after. I don't even get why. The movie was extremely easy to understand, it had a few logical flaws. Because despite having scientists explain the concepts to the writers, it wasn't fully understood by the writers, which is why it all resulted in a paradox in the end. Still a decent, entertaining movie though.

You could always go with books like "Gravity's Rainbow" by Thomas Pynchon, "Blood Meridian" by Cormac McCarthy, "The Magic Mountain" by Thomas Mann and "Absalom, Absolom!" by William Faulkner.

These books would be a decent level of challenging. It would require you to observant and analytical as you read. If you powered through these books in the same way you read my story. You would only be shooting yourself in the foot, because you would understand nothing. You would only be confused, just like my work confused you.

If it's deemed a chore and you still punish yourself by powering through it, despite not liking it at all, then calling you a glutton for punishment wouldn't be considered a slur, but a description. Because you're basically wasting both your time and mine for a reason I can't really understand.
 
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Level 6
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Aug 26, 2017
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138
Again, you misunderstand and you draw your own sudden conclusions. As I said in my earlier post I forget things in stories or books that fail to capture my interest, whereas you assume that my level of attention is low or that I forget details while reading.

You assume I powered through your writings, which is a mistake considering it took me a little over 3 months to read 18 chapters; I took my time with it but nothing in it managed to keep me at the edge of my seat or gave me a reason to come back to it or even eagerly wait for an update. But I kept my word when YOU asked me to give me my personal opinion on it; thus I've read it in a casual pace and then took the time to try and piece what you wrote and sometimes it didn't add up either because I had to untangle your english skills or because the subject slipped my mind and I had to recall it. There's also the possibility of you editing the chapters you post at later dates either because you spotted an imperfection that has to be removed or because you had a moment of inspiration and further improved the chapter's contents. Meaning you alter the story or give it the polish it deserves before you should post it, which is an amateur's mistake.

It's clearly that you are deeply offended by critics and possibly can't handle them, which is a perfectly natural response since every author or artist believes that his or her work is great (even amazing to some) and anyone that says otherwise is wrong and that they can't see the hidden genius or what they are trying to accomplish. Whether it's writing or drawing a person puts its best effort into making something, so when someone comes along and says something bad or points out a flaw you immediately tense up and ultimately get angry. It's a perfectly natural response.

You've also misunderstood the slurs. I quote you writing: "the fuck are you reading it for". This is called a slur, not where you repeatedly claim and assume that I enjoy punishing myself by reading something I don't enjoy calling me a "glutton for punishment", this can't even be considered a slur. It's a perfect reaction for someone that's taken an offense. On a philosophical note: a man is punished enough in many ways each day and thus has no reason to inflict harm on himself since he suffers enough as it is; thus I have no reason to hurt myself as you repeatedly claim.

It's clear that you are inexperienced with dealing with a tougher audience and probably acknowledges the readers that are eager for more content. You claim that a simple exchange of opinions or a conversation between the writer and a reader is (and I quote you) "basically wasting both your time and mine for a reason I can't really understand". Again this is an amateur's reaction and response where you should take each given word by every person with a grain of salt and, of course, caution as it can deter the author in several ways; you've done the opposite where you lost your temper.
 
Level 25
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Well, I'm not really offended. Confused however? Sure. What flaws have you pointed out? "I'm confused, I don't understand" is not a flaw on my part if hundreds of others haven't had the issue. You're not part of the tough audience. You're part of the vague audience. "I don't understand, make me understand".

Okay. How?

Using the word fuck in that instance is not a slur. In that context it's to add strength to the sentence. If I called you a fuck. That would be a slur. Glutton for Punishment could also be considered a slur. A tame one, but a slur nevertheless. I would also like to add that repeatedly insulting me probably is not the best way to make your case.
 
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Level 6
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138
The word "fuck" is considered, and always has been, a slur. Adding it to a sentence does not, under any circumstance, give strength to it. It only points out character flaws in the one that speaks such as a short temper, increasing anger, a foul mouth or (in some cases) what some would call a passive-aggressive insult.

Again, I repeat myself in a simplified manner this time, since you've obviously haven't grasped the simple message my reply offers you: the "glutton for punishment" is not a slur, yet you somehow cling to the idea of it being a slur or that I might have been offended by you calling me as such. All I've done in the replies is simply state that I haven't punished myself nor did I push myself to an extreme to read your works. You continue to punctuate this topic that I might have been insulted or that I consider it a slur on my person. Despite what you might think let me assure you that I have not been offended by this under any form, I simply clarified the subject as best as I can in a diplomatic reply and post which you haven't understood.

I do not recall insulting you under any form. I did not call you names nor did I say anything that would damage your moral integrity as a person. You might be the only person that believes that. All this time I've only offered my personal opinion on what you wrote and replied to your posts in an attempt to make you understand my point of view. You are free and have the right to take a reply or sentence as you wish, but try your best (or harder) to take out of it only what helps you.
 
Level 25
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Incorrect, the word fuck can change purpose depending on context. It can be used to strengthen a word. If you say that a nail in your leg fucking hurts, you're not asking the doctor to dry hump your pierced limb. Now, it all depends on the context of how you use it. Here's an informative video to explain these variations in more detail and save me the time it would take to explain it myself.


As for slur. I'm not gonna continue this part of the discussion and just drop the dictionary definition. Do with it as you will.
Definition of SLUR

You've continuously questioned my intelligence and patronized me at every turn. That is insulting. You assume that me being unable to make heads or tails of your little ramblings is somehow a result of me being bad at taking critiques. In your mind it's never a question that you may be bad at making a critique. You've complained. The complaint is rather vague. You're confused, you want to stop being confused. Now, how should I make you stop being confused? No matter what happens, I can't make major changes. I can't appease one and annoy hundreds. So, I'll repeat myself again. What do you want me to do?

So far, the only legitimate complaint is my typos, that is something I fix when I spot it. Some people who read it prefer to drop me a comment now and then and thus increases the amount of typos I can fix.
Summarized; You read my story. You disliked typos. You were confused. You have no idea what I should do about it. Your course of action? Call me an amateur and question my intelligence. Did I miss anything?
 
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