- Joined
- Oct 3, 2006
- Messages
- 302
Hello!! I'm not a new member here, but I'm still a newbie to what's going on.
This is the first time I've noticed that there is a fanfiction forum in this place. My english is not that good so I would like to ask some criticisms and advices from any of you readers out there.
I love orcs and would like to submit my fanfic about them.
I think that I'm still lacking lots of things when it comes to writing so I ask all of you readers to please review!!
Tnx in advance.
Here's the Prologue of my story, and some added info.
®e\tLCorylon= City
Sentara= Sune High Priestess
Gustav Gonghammer= General of Corylon’s forces
Skurai= Orc prisoner
Morak Deathsong= Orc hordeboss
Rurak= Mayor of Corylon
The River Follower
Sample:
Skurai’s body went rigid. He had hoped his face didn’t betray him. He hoped the new tears welling in his eyes would be attributed to the pricking of the needles on his forehead. He looked around the room and on his green skinned reflection in the mirror that he once thought was beautiful, and then allowed his real thoughts to come out and consume his heritage as an orc. Out they came, one by one. The place was tacky as hell, the man was hideous, and the beautiful tattoo being inked on his forehead was the ugliest thing in the world.
PROLOGUE:
Sentara walked in the marble platforms of the temple, she wore a sleeveless silken white gown fitted tight to her body. A bit of cut came out on the side in a lower portion of the robe showing off her legs. Her black hair seemed as if it had been combed every minute past her life. Her white skin bristled with a little bit of redness, as if her entire body seemed to blush a little. Her blue eyes stared imperatively on the high-priests of the temple of Tyr. She wore an imperative look that of a queen, and even those haughty gestures she made was unable to hide the gentleness in her face. Women who wore similar robes followed on her back, the priests of Tyr could well determine that this woman was their superior. Judging from the fact that she wore the heart shaped pendant emblazoned with tiny jewels on its sides, and the circlet she wore on her forehead that symbolized herself as the high priestess of Sune.
Sentara raised a hand to her left and the women that followed her stopped. Then as she took a bow in her head to the high priests in front of her the women on her back knelt. “My priestesses have come here as you have asked Chelon.” She speaks those words in a friendly way as she finishes her bow.
The priests of Tyr could not help but stare at the beauty carved in this woman. She was beautiful beyond all odds, and her posture carried with her an aura of grace as she moved in the platform swaying her hips womanly. She was the high priestess of Sune, the Lady Firehair the goddess of everything that is beautiful, of love and of passion. If it weren’t for Chelon’s words the apprentices would never have taken away their sight of the lady.
“Fair met Sentara! Your help will be most beneficial to us, the healing powers your priestesses carry is one of the best there is in our forces.” Chelon’s words were a little calm. His old age was coming up to him. There was a huge sign of baldness in his head. Covered by his thin white hair that hang to almost any side the high priest’s appearance seemed more of a old man who knew nothing about war rather than a battling high priest of Tyr. He carried within himself an aura of power, boosting up the confidence of the two priests that sat on his side.
“My priestesses only aid your men because the enemy is something that’s value could not be changed.” Sentara’s voice was calm and friendly, but there was something imperative and demanding about the tone that she carried right now compared to before, “If the enemy were men, and if the battle was a lasting one, I would not send Sune’s magic to heal the wounded of your men, for they will only bring death upon themselves if they go back to the battle.”
“I shall not forget that my lady.” Chelon replied.
“Then it is done my good friend, I just hope that this battle would finish itself quickly. And that less death would come to the citizens of Corylon.” Sentara replied back.
“Do not fear my lady. For my scouts have already predicted the plans of our enemy, and this defense will end up as another victory to our city with less of our casualties..thanks to ye.” Gustav Gonghammer spoke in the audience. He was standing beside Chelon and his two priests. Sentara and the other apprentices could not help but stare at the wonder carved in this man’s legend. He was the general of the military forces of Corylon, the epitome of justice and purity in the city’s influence. He had survived hundreds of battle in his life, and all of those battles were victories carved by his unstoppable prowess in the field of warfare. Starting his legend in becoming a captain of Cormyr’s infantry elite when he was twelve, and continuing it today, when the army of Morak Deathsong had marched to destroy their beloved city, Gustav had won the trust and the hearts of many people of Corylon, Sentara included, and even she, as a high priestess of a goddess of love could not help but wonder at the presence of this man. She did well enough to hide this feeling inside her though, for they were inside the Temple of Tyr, and at the same time, the courtroom of Corylon.
The apprentices could not help but envy at the sight of this great man. Even the presence of Rurak the mayor of Corylon in the audience seemed to diminish from the grace Gustav carried by his mere presence alone.
The priestesses of Sune tried to get a sneak peek on the man as they bowed low but found his position to high on the stairs above. Sentara on the other hand gave a calm smile to Gustav, she held out her hands, then placed its forearm on her navel giving another bow to the royal court.
Rurak the mayor of Corylon sat on a wooden chair beside Chelon and his two priests, the chairs circled a huge marble table which Gustav’s plans on the defense of the city was laid. He turned to regard Sentara and gave her another warm smile. “Please do accompany us high priestess that you may know of the plans of our defense.” Rurak spoke. Gustav turned to face his master and pulled a chair to allow the high priestess to seat.
Sentara waved the court room her palm. She placed her chin high and spoke. “Nay, my place is not in the battlefield. But I assure you that our aid is open to Corylon. My priestesses must hurry and prepare our prayers and spells for the night, we shant waste time in listening to something we were not created to perform.”
Rurak gave the high priestess a warm smile and raised his hand as soon as Sentara lowered hers. “Then go. Your mirth towards the aid of Corylon is always admired my priestess.” He then turns to Gustav and gave a slight nod, indicating that the General should now be back in his seat.
As Sentara and her priestesses turned to leave the temple the audience of Corylon all turned their heads on the group. Their movements were tantalizing and magnificent, these women were one of the biggest prides of Corylon. Aside from possessing magic strong enough to battle against a major city of Faerun the priestesses of Sune were all extremely beautiful. They could not imagine if one these women would fall to the hands of the orc hoards that scoured Corylon. They would fight to the death to defend their precious treasure. Some of the people in the audiences were lucky enough to be the husband of a fellow priestess in the temple of Sune, farmers, bakers or maybe even innkeepers. These citizens whose prowess came not from battle change their ways of life just for a time being, it is because of the power the priestesses carry, to change a skill from lifestyle into warfare, only so that they could defend their beautiful wives, which was the symbol of their success, or perhaps, the greatest thing that had ever happened in their lives. And so, the people of Corylon swore, that they would fight the orc hoard of Morak Deathsong, even if it was not their path.
As Gustav sat back on his chair looking at the eyes of several officials of Corylon, including Chelon and the mayor Rurak, he couldn’t help but mention the danger the orc hoard carried. Morak Deathsong’s army had outnumbered them twenty to one, and even the great general found it painful to create a promise to his priestess, a promise of victory with little casualties. But in reality, he wasn’t sure, he was never sure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Skurai skidded along the vast encampment set up in the hills of Duloin, a few kilometers away from the walled city of Corylon. Babblings and shouts would be heard in all his two ears. Most of them could not be understood. Most of them were the painful screams of agony as orcs in the encampment fought one another. Such an act was common to orc culture, the green skinned brutes always found it hard to get along with each other.
Nobody dared try to attack him though. Everyone feared him. As a lieutenant in the army of Morak Deathsong, Skurai had earned the reputation to be one of the most powerful orcs in the hoard. His muscles were well built; the same as any orc muscle was built.
The only difference was that his height covered most of the bloated body an orc has, making him look a lot slimmer than any orcs. His muscles were very well toned, shaping along perfectly, and standing firm as hard as a rock due to the training he received as a champion of Morak Deathsong, Great Warboss of the Deathsong Hoard. He’s height proved that to be tall, in fact too tall for an orc. His seven foot height towered even the great Morak Deathsong himself. And perhaps this was one of the reasons why the orcs in the hoard feared him. His skin was colored lightly green, making him seem more like an ordinary orc. Two big tusks bulged out in both molars of his mouth, pointing up towards his dark greedy reptilian eyes. His high chin made him look vile, and with the creepy combination of his eyes, he seemed more of a lunatic than a proper war lieutenant, but to the orc’s culture that was too common. His hair was extremely long (part of orc fashion), it ran down his back, bulging out to almost all sides of his body like spikes.
He tried to walk his way towards the amassing crowd. There he would encounter hits in his shoulder from another orc’s shoulder. Bumps were very common in this hoard since their number was more than legion, and retiring from a hoard was not very common among hoards. The army that Skurai was part of socialized in the plains, it was worse than a market, it seemed like the orcs of Morak Deathsong and Skurai were fishes, all hauled into a huge net, tacky as hell, and as crowded as an ant’s nest.
The purpose of an orc hoard is to ravage and pillage everything on their sight for land, conquest and power. They would never stop their destructive wake, pillaging one town after the other until the numbers of the hoard reduced to something incapable of pillages. Only then would the remaining hoard members retire. Only then would the orcs dwell peacefully, mating among orc women or other female races of Faerun rapidly like maggots. Then when the numbers of their offspring’s become too big for their family to supply food with, they form another hoard and start off pillaging villages again until their numbers reduced again. Such was the life of an orc like Skurai.
Not too many orcs know of this lifestyle. All they did was go along with the flow of massacre and fighting, realizing the orc’s hoard cycle of life only moments later when the hoard that he had belonged too was destroyed. Then that orc would live an ordinary orc life, most living in the tunnels and caves like an ordinary orc and mating with those female orcs bearing equine faces. Some of those hoard survivors would live in the land, creating another breed of a small orc civilization in the soils of Faerun who in almost every hour of their life would feel the painful rays of the hot sun. And unfortunately for Skurai, he was one of these orcs who knew nothing about the ways of the hoard cycle. Ah, yes, Skurai was just an ordinary orc, dumb, ugly, and evil. And he joined the Deathsong Hoard only so that he could make a living for himself in Faerun, only so that his curiosity of the upper-world might be filled, only so that he would know what it feels like to battle against the famous creatures of the upper world. He wanted to test his strength in this world, and most of all came the most important purpose as to why curiosity came over to him.
Skurai wanted to make a name for himself in the pantheon’s of his orc gods. And for that purpose alone, drove him to the glorious but evil campaign of the Deathsong Hoard. He did not care what Morak’s plans for the orc hoard was. All he wanted was to sate his thirst for curiosity and to sate his hunger for battle. As an orc, Skurai marveled at everything that was new to him. He feared magic, but he also respected it in a sense because of the hidden mysteries hidden beneath its power.
He had never thought of learning magic before. All he knew was that he wanted to see it. And he himself, as an orc who knew absolutely nothing about spellcraft wanted nothing than to defeat magic, by the orc way of defeating things, sheer, brutish and unstoppable strength.
He was on his twentieth year as an orc, and he knew he would not live long to make a name for himself in the orc pantheon. He was in a hurry in his quest of becoming a legend. He was an orc, harsh and quick, always in a hurry.
Little did Skurai know that this campaign would change his entire life.
This is the first time I've noticed that there is a fanfiction forum in this place. My english is not that good so I would like to ask some criticisms and advices from any of you readers out there.
I love orcs and would like to submit my fanfic about them.
I think that I'm still lacking lots of things when it comes to writing so I ask all of you readers to please review!!
Tnx in advance.
Here's the Prologue of my story, and some added info.
®e\tLCorylon= City
Sentara= Sune High Priestess
Gustav Gonghammer= General of Corylon’s forces
Skurai= Orc prisoner
Morak Deathsong= Orc hordeboss
Rurak= Mayor of Corylon
The River Follower
Sample:
Skurai’s body went rigid. He had hoped his face didn’t betray him. He hoped the new tears welling in his eyes would be attributed to the pricking of the needles on his forehead. He looked around the room and on his green skinned reflection in the mirror that he once thought was beautiful, and then allowed his real thoughts to come out and consume his heritage as an orc. Out they came, one by one. The place was tacky as hell, the man was hideous, and the beautiful tattoo being inked on his forehead was the ugliest thing in the world.
PROLOGUE:
Sentara walked in the marble platforms of the temple, she wore a sleeveless silken white gown fitted tight to her body. A bit of cut came out on the side in a lower portion of the robe showing off her legs. Her black hair seemed as if it had been combed every minute past her life. Her white skin bristled with a little bit of redness, as if her entire body seemed to blush a little. Her blue eyes stared imperatively on the high-priests of the temple of Tyr. She wore an imperative look that of a queen, and even those haughty gestures she made was unable to hide the gentleness in her face. Women who wore similar robes followed on her back, the priests of Tyr could well determine that this woman was their superior. Judging from the fact that she wore the heart shaped pendant emblazoned with tiny jewels on its sides, and the circlet she wore on her forehead that symbolized herself as the high priestess of Sune.
Sentara raised a hand to her left and the women that followed her stopped. Then as she took a bow in her head to the high priests in front of her the women on her back knelt. “My priestesses have come here as you have asked Chelon.” She speaks those words in a friendly way as she finishes her bow.
The priests of Tyr could not help but stare at the beauty carved in this woman. She was beautiful beyond all odds, and her posture carried with her an aura of grace as she moved in the platform swaying her hips womanly. She was the high priestess of Sune, the Lady Firehair the goddess of everything that is beautiful, of love and of passion. If it weren’t for Chelon’s words the apprentices would never have taken away their sight of the lady.
“Fair met Sentara! Your help will be most beneficial to us, the healing powers your priestesses carry is one of the best there is in our forces.” Chelon’s words were a little calm. His old age was coming up to him. There was a huge sign of baldness in his head. Covered by his thin white hair that hang to almost any side the high priest’s appearance seemed more of a old man who knew nothing about war rather than a battling high priest of Tyr. He carried within himself an aura of power, boosting up the confidence of the two priests that sat on his side.
“My priestesses only aid your men because the enemy is something that’s value could not be changed.” Sentara’s voice was calm and friendly, but there was something imperative and demanding about the tone that she carried right now compared to before, “If the enemy were men, and if the battle was a lasting one, I would not send Sune’s magic to heal the wounded of your men, for they will only bring death upon themselves if they go back to the battle.”
“I shall not forget that my lady.” Chelon replied.
“Then it is done my good friend, I just hope that this battle would finish itself quickly. And that less death would come to the citizens of Corylon.” Sentara replied back.
“Do not fear my lady. For my scouts have already predicted the plans of our enemy, and this defense will end up as another victory to our city with less of our casualties..thanks to ye.” Gustav Gonghammer spoke in the audience. He was standing beside Chelon and his two priests. Sentara and the other apprentices could not help but stare at the wonder carved in this man’s legend. He was the general of the military forces of Corylon, the epitome of justice and purity in the city’s influence. He had survived hundreds of battle in his life, and all of those battles were victories carved by his unstoppable prowess in the field of warfare. Starting his legend in becoming a captain of Cormyr’s infantry elite when he was twelve, and continuing it today, when the army of Morak Deathsong had marched to destroy their beloved city, Gustav had won the trust and the hearts of many people of Corylon, Sentara included, and even she, as a high priestess of a goddess of love could not help but wonder at the presence of this man. She did well enough to hide this feeling inside her though, for they were inside the Temple of Tyr, and at the same time, the courtroom of Corylon.
The apprentices could not help but envy at the sight of this great man. Even the presence of Rurak the mayor of Corylon in the audience seemed to diminish from the grace Gustav carried by his mere presence alone.
The priestesses of Sune tried to get a sneak peek on the man as they bowed low but found his position to high on the stairs above. Sentara on the other hand gave a calm smile to Gustav, she held out her hands, then placed its forearm on her navel giving another bow to the royal court.
Rurak the mayor of Corylon sat on a wooden chair beside Chelon and his two priests, the chairs circled a huge marble table which Gustav’s plans on the defense of the city was laid. He turned to regard Sentara and gave her another warm smile. “Please do accompany us high priestess that you may know of the plans of our defense.” Rurak spoke. Gustav turned to face his master and pulled a chair to allow the high priestess to seat.
Sentara waved the court room her palm. She placed her chin high and spoke. “Nay, my place is not in the battlefield. But I assure you that our aid is open to Corylon. My priestesses must hurry and prepare our prayers and spells for the night, we shant waste time in listening to something we were not created to perform.”
Rurak gave the high priestess a warm smile and raised his hand as soon as Sentara lowered hers. “Then go. Your mirth towards the aid of Corylon is always admired my priestess.” He then turns to Gustav and gave a slight nod, indicating that the General should now be back in his seat.
As Sentara and her priestesses turned to leave the temple the audience of Corylon all turned their heads on the group. Their movements were tantalizing and magnificent, these women were one of the biggest prides of Corylon. Aside from possessing magic strong enough to battle against a major city of Faerun the priestesses of Sune were all extremely beautiful. They could not imagine if one these women would fall to the hands of the orc hoards that scoured Corylon. They would fight to the death to defend their precious treasure. Some of the people in the audiences were lucky enough to be the husband of a fellow priestess in the temple of Sune, farmers, bakers or maybe even innkeepers. These citizens whose prowess came not from battle change their ways of life just for a time being, it is because of the power the priestesses carry, to change a skill from lifestyle into warfare, only so that they could defend their beautiful wives, which was the symbol of their success, or perhaps, the greatest thing that had ever happened in their lives. And so, the people of Corylon swore, that they would fight the orc hoard of Morak Deathsong, even if it was not their path.
As Gustav sat back on his chair looking at the eyes of several officials of Corylon, including Chelon and the mayor Rurak, he couldn’t help but mention the danger the orc hoard carried. Morak Deathsong’s army had outnumbered them twenty to one, and even the great general found it painful to create a promise to his priestess, a promise of victory with little casualties. But in reality, he wasn’t sure, he was never sure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Skurai skidded along the vast encampment set up in the hills of Duloin, a few kilometers away from the walled city of Corylon. Babblings and shouts would be heard in all his two ears. Most of them could not be understood. Most of them were the painful screams of agony as orcs in the encampment fought one another. Such an act was common to orc culture, the green skinned brutes always found it hard to get along with each other.
Nobody dared try to attack him though. Everyone feared him. As a lieutenant in the army of Morak Deathsong, Skurai had earned the reputation to be one of the most powerful orcs in the hoard. His muscles were well built; the same as any orc muscle was built.
The only difference was that his height covered most of the bloated body an orc has, making him look a lot slimmer than any orcs. His muscles were very well toned, shaping along perfectly, and standing firm as hard as a rock due to the training he received as a champion of Morak Deathsong, Great Warboss of the Deathsong Hoard. He’s height proved that to be tall, in fact too tall for an orc. His seven foot height towered even the great Morak Deathsong himself. And perhaps this was one of the reasons why the orcs in the hoard feared him. His skin was colored lightly green, making him seem more like an ordinary orc. Two big tusks bulged out in both molars of his mouth, pointing up towards his dark greedy reptilian eyes. His high chin made him look vile, and with the creepy combination of his eyes, he seemed more of a lunatic than a proper war lieutenant, but to the orc’s culture that was too common. His hair was extremely long (part of orc fashion), it ran down his back, bulging out to almost all sides of his body like spikes.
He tried to walk his way towards the amassing crowd. There he would encounter hits in his shoulder from another orc’s shoulder. Bumps were very common in this hoard since their number was more than legion, and retiring from a hoard was not very common among hoards. The army that Skurai was part of socialized in the plains, it was worse than a market, it seemed like the orcs of Morak Deathsong and Skurai were fishes, all hauled into a huge net, tacky as hell, and as crowded as an ant’s nest.
The purpose of an orc hoard is to ravage and pillage everything on their sight for land, conquest and power. They would never stop their destructive wake, pillaging one town after the other until the numbers of the hoard reduced to something incapable of pillages. Only then would the remaining hoard members retire. Only then would the orcs dwell peacefully, mating among orc women or other female races of Faerun rapidly like maggots. Then when the numbers of their offspring’s become too big for their family to supply food with, they form another hoard and start off pillaging villages again until their numbers reduced again. Such was the life of an orc like Skurai.
Not too many orcs know of this lifestyle. All they did was go along with the flow of massacre and fighting, realizing the orc’s hoard cycle of life only moments later when the hoard that he had belonged too was destroyed. Then that orc would live an ordinary orc life, most living in the tunnels and caves like an ordinary orc and mating with those female orcs bearing equine faces. Some of those hoard survivors would live in the land, creating another breed of a small orc civilization in the soils of Faerun who in almost every hour of their life would feel the painful rays of the hot sun. And unfortunately for Skurai, he was one of these orcs who knew nothing about the ways of the hoard cycle. Ah, yes, Skurai was just an ordinary orc, dumb, ugly, and evil. And he joined the Deathsong Hoard only so that he could make a living for himself in Faerun, only so that his curiosity of the upper-world might be filled, only so that he would know what it feels like to battle against the famous creatures of the upper world. He wanted to test his strength in this world, and most of all came the most important purpose as to why curiosity came over to him.
Skurai wanted to make a name for himself in the pantheon’s of his orc gods. And for that purpose alone, drove him to the glorious but evil campaign of the Deathsong Hoard. He did not care what Morak’s plans for the orc hoard was. All he wanted was to sate his thirst for curiosity and to sate his hunger for battle. As an orc, Skurai marveled at everything that was new to him. He feared magic, but he also respected it in a sense because of the hidden mysteries hidden beneath its power.
He had never thought of learning magic before. All he knew was that he wanted to see it. And he himself, as an orc who knew absolutely nothing about spellcraft wanted nothing than to defeat magic, by the orc way of defeating things, sheer, brutish and unstoppable strength.
He was on his twentieth year as an orc, and he knew he would not live long to make a name for himself in the orc pantheon. He was in a hurry in his quest of becoming a legend. He was an orc, harsh and quick, always in a hurry.
Little did Skurai know that this campaign would change his entire life.