Return to Tomorrow

[Sephiyr]

A few words:A very wierdly written story thats lyric-like but isn't exaclty lyrics but isn't a poem, well you tell me its about a lady whos alone in the world amongst the humane-thinking animals and then someones ressurection is noticed and they both return to tomorrow! It involves some zoids bit in for example, like the ladies liger. And some of the warcraft titans! Lets just say I was bored and had to add that stuff in.

Heres the lore of the story: The lady has been fighting for justice and peace in many years until peace was restored, aslong as someone named Darwin lived there would be tomorrows but she is killed by in her bio-ptera by the invading bio-raptors. The lady owned an Energy Liger which was when her original liger died should've became the liger zero but instead stooped higher. But after many centuries a terrible disease occured and killed everyone, besides the lady. Cities withered and stuff and the zoids died out, besides her liger. The titans stumbled upon this world whilst travelling to the Great Dark Beyond. They saw how empty it was and only 1% of lifeform was there, the lady and the liger. They decided to add something to the lifeform which was the animals, with human intelligance, but unable to talk, but can make signs as a way of saying hello and bye. They discover that this world was unable to have tomorrows so they try to ressurect Darwin which was a failure. But strangely enough she came back.

The titans look at the world
Full of mysteries that have been
Many worlds, born and die
In the deserts of one world

In the deserts a lion licks a
Wounded moose as the squirrels
Play with the raccoon
Giant spiders learn how to swim
With the whales, they form a united kin

A lady looks at her Liger
Who turns to her and roars
They walk around the deserts
Child spiders greet her as she greets them

Empty human skulls loom the ruins
Those and the valuable shards
She looks around as the spiders hop
She finds an eye of the Deathsaurer

Over the lovely burch
Birds sing to the turtles
As they listen to their choirs
The fox and the hound play merrily

The cheetah greets an elephant
The giraffe overlooks the swimming spiders
A claw from the saix is overtooken by the
The furry and honourable tiger

She looks into the cloudy sky
As her liger sleeps again
She looks as spiders climb
The lively and well-fed tree

The lions and the jaguars
Run together with a truce
She finds a fuhrer ruins
Thats home to the crickets

She oversees a claw from
The breaker that once walked
Thats now inhabited by the
Lively and caring spiders

She walks into the desert
Of human skulls and skeletons
Amongst the ruins a mighty blade
Stabbed into the desert floor

In the meadows play merrily
The cat and the dog
Blue skies overtake for the time
But the black skies begin to awaken

A large claw is found that
Is home to the the friendly
Well-coloured peacocks
She sighs to herself as birds fly

The night begins and
Darwin's ressurection is noticed
By the turtles she use to play with

Apricots grow onto the trees
As she walks the world again
And finds herself the world's mother
They finally return to tomorrow.

You tell me, I do suck >_>.

If you want something sucky, check out this! Created by my brother. I just had to link this because we both suck anyways!

 

[HermanTheGibbon]

I really like the idea behind this, but I think the main thing letting it down is the fact that your description is a little too basic. For example the friendly, well-coloured peacocks could instead be the compassionate and radiant peacocks, and the furry and honourable tiger could be the proud and majestic tiger. I think you just need to tart it up a little, with more sophisticated wording and structure. The thesaurus is like the holy bible when you are doing creative writing tasks!

Good luck with your writing in the future!

 

[Sephiyr]

Thank you for your advice, I will be sure to use it when posting another thread in this section .

 

[The_wand_mirror]

lol.. alotofgarbage was actually your brother? well, you could always try to teach him how to make green rep out of red ones

 

[Sephiyr]

lol.. alotofgarbage was actually your brother? well, you could always try to teach him how to make green rep out of red ones

That is virtually Impossible.

 

[Undead_Lives]

So ya, I'm bored, decided to go on a critiquing spree...

1. It's a poem. Yes it is.
2. Use periods. Thanks.
3. Use apostrophes. Like "Thats" it's supposed to be That's.

Like it was said, more description, and yet less. After reading about cheetahs and elephants, I was like "ok I get it the animals are friendly now move on".

However, I liked the ending. And it was interesting how you chose to use the name Darwin. Make the rest of the poem like your ending, mysterious and leaving the reader to their imagination.