Any differences in how we write?

[Sephiyr]

Idea came from brother. A little zoids in this, only 1% of it.

V
Thats what my brother is going to type.

An Arrival of the Madman

He was arrogant and selfish child. He even killed his own parents because they was Draenei and he had an unpure hatred for the Draenei, even now he will go around mercilessly killing the Draenei like the madman he is.

Slaughtering the Green Dragons he awakens what was to become his friend.

They tried to stop him reaching the dens of a sleeper but he descended most of the whelps to madness and slaughtered any green dragon who opposed him, leaving the rest to flee back into the skies to aid what they can in the hard times of the War of the Ancients. He awakened Aleihza Nethersaber, a green drake who went into the emerald dream as a night elf, she finally heard the roars of the slaughtered kin and she finally took it to herself to kill the madman.

C'Thulhu(C'thun) and the Raid

''You will die Shiftshape.'' C'thun stammered. ''You should've joined me C'thun! Now you shall die for your foolishness!'' he cackled. Just then Aleihza came and landed in on his head and jumped onto the floor. ''There you are hideous being! You will DIE!'' she growled. ''Hmph...runts fall back, I'll deal with this...'' he mumbled and his runts grinned and dissapeared into the shadows. He sheathed his blades from his sides. Aleihza had the slightest feeling she'd lose but she tried hest and soon the battle between the two began. Aleihza's blade was struck with full force and bits began to chip off. Damnit, stay calm she thought to herself and tried to strike for the most weakest point thats not guarded well, the stomach.

Everytime she tried to stab him he managed to evade or block the attacks. Her blade became a tad blunt, she knew she couldn't win but tried to focus on the main objective. Shiftshape began to charge at her which left a well-unguarded spot, again the stomach, when he neared her she managed to shove the blade right into his stomach, making him drop the blades as she took her blade out of him. ''Game over, you lost.'' she laughed at him. ''How..no I couldn't have lost..''' he weakly said and fell.


And now this is me.

The madman comes back and becomes the friend of a loner.

I wasn't truly defeated, infact I merely mamanaged to survive with my life against Aleihza and so the only way to know her weakness is to become her friend. I decided that I would change my form into a night elf and teleport myself into Ironforge where she was signing herself for the Alterac Valley fray. I walked upto to her and greeted her. ''Ishnu'falah, you must be Aleihza?'' I asked. ''Well yes.'' she replied. ''I am Shiftshape a druid from the Cenarion Circle, my name may not be known because I infact had no name and Shiftshape was perhaps the best for me.'' I told her. ''Shiftshape? Reminds me of an enemy...'' she mumbled angrily. ''Well perhaps we can talk more about our past now?'' I asked. ''Very well then.'' she said with a smile. She suddenly walked into the Ironforge Inn and I decided to follow her.

You wander why I came

I went left and you stayed right. ''Truth is...you are that Shiftshape who killed my kin...how can I ever trust you?'' she asked. I wander why you even came. ''How can you consider that.'' I replied. ''Its the damned truth I can see through your empty lies.'' she growled. It wasn't going to work so I decided to turn around and go back to Kalimdor, but she was rather cute.

True intentions

My true intentions was to transfer Aleihza to another world. I began the ritual as the ingredients clumsily fell into the burning flames. ''This better work, she better have a miserable life in the new planet she'll entire.'' I growled as the ritual completed. In no time Aleihza was in another world. But Shiftshape was wrong, she found herself in a strange junkyard where she created something great which was used in wars, the Gravity Saix, or some called it the Blade Saix due to its blades on the sides. Little did I know she was having paradise in that world until I realized it and then transfered myself into the world to end her.

Now heres your turn, who do you think out of me or my brother is perhaps better? Or perhaps are we the same?

 

[HermanTheGibbon]

I would not like to judge which of you is the better writer, because you both have different styles, strengths and weaknesses, I will however try and give you a few helpful pointers.

The most obvious difference between the two of you is your choice to write in the first person rather than third which your brother chooses (I instead of he). You do, however, use the term 'I' a little too often, I think almost every scentence in your first paragraph begins with I. Try to avoid it if possible (I know it's harder being in 1st persone but still...) Your brother also opens his writing more effectively, using interesting scentences and phrases, e.g. "He was an arrogant and selfish child." That scentence is excellent for an opening because it's short, snappy, sinister, and most of all, makes me, as a reader, want to discover more and read on.

You make use of too many basic, short scentences which lack excitement, such as "I walked up to her and greeted her." or "She suddenly walked into the Ironforge Inn and I decided to follow her.". These scentences are boring, basically, and I would much rather read "I approached her cautiously, greeting her with a nervous edge." or "Suddenly, she vanished into the dark, smoggy interior of the Ironforge Inn, and I knew I had no choice but to proceed after her." Just think about how you are going to hold on to the reader's attention. Use dramatic language and wording to exaggerate things and stop people drifting off to sleep while reading your work. You want to create tension and suspense, and that "I MUST READ MORE!" feeling for your readers.

You both use conversation, but I think your brother actually has better use of dialog, and I think you use too much in your first paragraph. However, your writing generally flows a lot smoother. You have better use of connectives such as suddenly and however and your story has a definate path whereas your brother sometimes seems just to write a series of consecutive and random events.

You both, on the other hand, have rather imposing trouble with grammar. I don't know if this is a typing thing or what but it's very apparant and off putting to readers. Check your work very closely for correct grammar, and read it aloud to yourself if you are unsure.

Finally, I prefer your approach to the theme. Your brother goes for a slightly immature route of violence and battles between big, bad heroes with aggressive and crude dialog such as "...you will DIE!" and "Game over, you lost!" These kind of things don't fit well with a fantasy theme at all. When inventing and writing as or about a character, get into role, use appropriate language, not what you think sounds cool.

Anyway, hope I provided some helpful pointers there, and again, good luck with your writing in the future.

P.S. You seem like you are quite eager to improve you writing skills as I see you crop up a lot on this board, which is a good thing, so feel free to P.M me any work you do in the future if you'd like an external opinion and maybe a little guidance.

 

[Elenai]

with all stories it must be built from the world up not always the character down. "words of wisdom"

 

[Kalbintion]

Elenai, where did u hear that? ive heard that before, and i agree with u, elenai

btw herman: "sentence" not "scentence" [just to let ya kno, no insult intended]