Short Novel: Vengeance

[Lingonberryjam]

Hullo!

I wrote this short novel for an english-class homework we got about a half a year ago. We all got the same picture, and were supposed to write the story out of the inspiration we could get of it.

Heres the picture:
Dreamfall

And heres the short novel:

Vengeance

Shira screamed. Why would they do this? As she leaned over her lifeless mother and father anger grew in her, the heart pounding fiercely. She didn’t understand, why couldn’t they just left? They got all the items of value in their hut, and yet they slaughtered her parents. Shira repeated to herself that it wasn’t her fault; she couldn’t have done anything while she was by the river. But somehow the feeling of guilt didn’t want to let go. Maybe she should have been at home, protecting her old parents. Everyone knew this was dangerous times. She took her mothers necklace and placed it where it belonged, on her neck, a symbol of her family that would protect her from foes.

It was cold outside, and grey clouds dominated the sky as Shira stepped out of her home. She was beautiful, a young woman with long black hair and dark, dreamy eyes. But now these where filled with hatred, and she looked dangerous with her sword hanging on her right side and clenched fists as if she was about to punch anyone who came too near.
She looked around, and noticed the marks of hooves in the ground. The bandits had ridden south, and they had probably set up a camp a few miles away. Shira started to run out in the wilderness. If she was lucky she would catch them up by nightfall.

The grey landscape passed her like a blurred dream. There where neither hunger nor tiredness haunting her, the blood thirst kept her going. She knew this place; the wasteland was where she hunted, as she did now.
Just as the suns last rays lay their weak hands on the lands she saw several dots of light not too far away. And after a couple of minutes she had to bend over and walk more quietly, as she approached the camp. There were two tents, and between those she saw some bonfires and also the shapes of several men. They where obviously quite content with the catch of the day, she heard them talk in a glad mood and from time to time they laughed.
Shira moved closer to the two tents. She could count up to seven men. First she thought that she could be killed in a fair battle versus these, but that didn’t matter. And when one of them fell when he was simply trying to stand up again, she didn’t think of it at all. They were unarmed, and she doubted they were sober.

With no hesitation she raced at the men, sword held in charging position, eyes burning with rage, and her necklace shining with an odd white light. She didn’t scream.
The men took about three seconds to consider the situation and their chances. Then they panicked. In a blink of an eye two of the men were released from the burden of their heads. Her sword was a shiny, white storm, and the bandits didn’t stand a chance. She penetrated the bodies of three men who started running. One of them started running away, but he didn’t got far until she had cut his legs off and then driven her sword deep into his chest.
She turned around and saw the last of them standing with a broadsword in his hands. She walked towards him. He shivered in fear, and when she was about 10 feet away from him he dropped the sword. He fell on his knees and looked into the dark dust below, avoiding her eyes. She walked to him, and then let her sword cut through his neck.

Then she ran, she ran far away. And at the top of the highland cliffs, she threw hersel into the dark waters, never to be seen again. It is said that by nightfall you can see a broken necklace in the waters. The one that couldn’t protect Shira from herself.

---

 

[Undead_Lives]

First of all. Short STORY. Not novel. Not even close to a short novel.

Now, critique. Warning: I'm brutally honest.

There's a lot of spelling/grammar mistakes. A LOT. One every other sentence, sometimes two in one.

Second, on the story itself, waaaay too fast. Like, describe stuff. What does the necklace look like? What does ANYTHING look like? The only description I really read was a tiny bit about her.

Finally, don't EVER end off with suicide without having the character go through a process. It's not believable. People don't throw themselves off cliffs for no reason. Besides, she got revenge, it doesn't make sense.
Now, had you clarified and then told us she couldn't stand to live without her parents, that would've been fine. But you can't jump from frenzy killing to suicides in one sentence. Just, no.

In essence, add more.

 

[Teh_Ephy]

The story doesn't really seem to fit the picture. She looks rather calm, and her clothes don't even have the slightest hint of blood on them. They hardly have the slightest hint of red, unless you consider the faint stripes near the sheath of her tachi. Honestly, the positioning of her neck and head look very strange, she looks like she was perhaps looking down at something for a moment, and then it suddenly stole her attention away. I agree with everything Undead_Lives said, and would like to add that the final sentence about the necklace would be very poetic if it wasn't so rushed.

 

[Lingonberryjam]

Thanks for the comments!

@ Undead_Lives:

Thanks for the warning . And yep this might be a short story if you say so, a short novel is supposed to be longer i guess (or better?).
About the grammar, indeed theres alot of spelling mistakes, it was a learning process and i believe this is the version not checked by the teacher... should have submitted that one .

Should have said this. It was a homework supposed to be 1 page long, but if you want more im flattered ^^. Seriusly, youre right, there could be alot more detail.Therefore i will revise it and then add it here for you to judge whats better/worse.

Now, about the suicide.

don't EVER end off with suicide without having the character go through a process

I disagree. I'll end off with suicide if thats what feels right. But then again youre right, i need to share the process as you said. But i wouldnt skip the suicide anyway... hope you got my point... i do agree with you about having the process in the story, but not about skipping the suicide just cuz i havent written the process. Theres a tiny difference imho.

Finally. Ok. Ill add more.

@ The_Ephy:

Oh, you got it all wrong. First of all, the story doesnt have to explain the picture. You were only supposed to look at it, and then start to write. I get point, if you look into it, the story doesnt fit the picture in many ways except the girl, sword and water... (there is no neclace round her neck).

Yep, Undead_Lives is not stupid. But thanks for that comment about the almost "poetic" ending. I thought it was quite nice. Ill work on it.
***

Thanks again. Putting up the revised version sooner or later.

 

[ragingspeedhorn]

Short story: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Short_story

Novel: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Novel

 

[Undead_Lives]

Hehe, wikipedia ftw.

Anyways, about the suicide thing I said, I meant that it's absolutely POINTLESS to end off in a suicide without the process. If you want her to end off in a suicide and yet not go through the process, 1. you're lazy, 2. end it off before the suicide. There's no point in writing a suicide without explaining it. Also, to have the story have a GOOD suicide, the process should begin in the the beginning, right after the instigating moment (the moment where the character's life changes). From then on, you should describe what's going through her head BEFORE she kills, because she'd have the thoughts of it before, and after she killed them and got revenge.

Also, you never explained motivation for suicide. Was it because she couldn't live without her parents? Was it because she realized that she'd become no better than the ones that killed her parents and so decided to end her life? You have to give motivation. And honestly, you NEED motivation for EVERY action. Sometimes it doesn't have to be explained. But others, it does, like suicide for example. Remember, we all do things for a reason.

Finally, I wasn't flattering you when I said you needed to write more. I never said I wanted more because it was good. I said the STORY needed more to MAKE it good.

 

[Lingonberryjam]

Wow. Love @ wikipedia and moderators compelled to comment about minor faults and then ignore the rest of the the thread. as if thats the only thing worth mentioning. speedhorn, i do indeed dislike your comment above, even if it is truly enlightning and there is nothing in it saying anything bad about me or my comment. I dont want to make a big deal out of this, just that you could have said something more aswell...
- maybe im overreacting... i dunno. dont wanna fight.

@ Undead_Lives:

Yes i get your point! To make it better i need to ask questions to myself as the author; who, when, what, and especially why. I confess. I havent figured about this b'cuz the story hasnt been important or real to me. I can do this though, and i will. So, when i got it "all" figured out, i can choose how much i am going to say, and how much im going to leave for your own figuring as a reader. All this ofc regarding the whole story and the suicide.

And a shame that you did not want more.

 

[Undead_Lives]

You need to write more before I want more