My first story

[Bugz]

The fate of Supret
My first story, so please give some reviews. Also i know that my grammar is not 100% perfect, but it should be readable.
Chapter 1) Introduction

Hidden

Once upon a time a world was found, the world was called Supret and many mystical creatures were surviving in this enormous world. Fighting wars against each other or simply trying to find peace.. That was the usual days of Supret, but else then that Supret was a world with 8 planets: Shao, Sacrum, Adeal, Flirgh, Vyns, Unus, Sankt and Upas.
Upas was the main planet and is having the main popularity of Supret, a lot of villages were there and a lot of people had always dreamed to come here. Our hero in this adventure is called Jake. Jake was a simple and normal kid, he was from the clan called Spectra. Spectra was a different clan from others, they was against wars and unbalance. They did not want power and gold, which was one of the things everyone was fighting for.
This was soon about to change…

Chapter 2) Magical powers!?

Hidden

Jake, Jake! Wake up!
Jake had slept for too long, and had to hurry for his work. Jake was working in the forest finding food, but today something was unusual about the forest. But his mother did not care and just thought that Jake was lazy. Jake continued but he knew something was wrong, when he came out to the forest he was a green glow coming up to the sky. He hurried over the glow, when he saw some Nether’s. Nether was a evil and greedy clan, they was searching for power and Jake knew it! So he crawled closer to the pearl and saw that something was standing on it. Jake just had to know what it was, or the Nether’s might be able to get more powerful. So when the night came on, he sneaked over to the pearl and read:

Whoever that activates the pearl will receive deadly and magnificent powers!

Jake got scared and did not know what to do.. After a while he decided to check how he could even activate it. His fingers was touching all over the egg until it suddenly said *Click*

 

[Celaquil]

For one, these "chapters" of yours are very short, I would refrain from naming them as such, and rather just have them as a joint paragraph and being separated via pragraphs.

Anyways, the story itself is extremely tedious to read, you start off with loads of information on what you are going to write about, and then you set off with the story, expecting that everyone is to understand everything as well as you do.
- Essentially what I am saying here, is that you need to work on catching the readers attention, the first sentence of a story is very often the most important one, there are many ways of doing so, but throwing shitloads of information at the reader is not the way to go, more often than not a well executed start is either a fast-paced one or a strange one.

Now, back to the information, instead of giving it all in the beginning, with no other effect than that the reader will have forgotten everything when they start reading the actual story, you should pread it out and mention it between the story sequences, when it is suitable, like for instance in that first chapter when the different clans are mentioned, you can then go to explaining what the clans are all about, so on and so forth.

Other than that, yes, you really need to work with the grammar, while indeed there is a point in being understood, the work of writing is a work of art, and a piece of art is not good lest all parts of it is good, hence the grammar of a story is extremely important, this even goes between writers themselves.

Lastly, I would also advice you to be more original with your works, the last thing this world needs is a generic story about e generic world with a generic plot, hell, even the name is generic. You've got much to work with here. Try thinking "new," in all senses of the story, not only its twists and turns, but its world, inhabitants, names, languages, animals... Everything so, the more interesting and strange the story and its lore, the better, as far as I'm concerned.

 

[Bugz]

Thanks for the tip. I will work on it

 

[Tamerleine]

just an idea....

Once upon a time a world was found, the world was called Supret and many mystical creatures were surviving in this enormous world.

there are a lot of "world" that's used in the above sentence...
try changing some of them...like:
It was called Supret...
....in this enormous (another term for "world" to avoid repetition)

 

[Edhel-dur]

Also, in any story you need to explain everything to the reader. Why things happen how they happen. For example how did the boy knew that there was something strange in the woods? Does he have a special connection with the Wild? Does he believe in bad luck, omens and such? Did he use some special powers?

I wouldn't advise you to start with something original to be honest. Before you can create something original, you must know all the cliche there is in order to avoid it. People sometimes do not understand that for any artist there is a start, and the originality of the start doesn't matter. All that matters is how it's done. In this case, how you write the story.

 

[Mediumunwell]

I thought it was a very good start.

I think Edhel-dur's advice is really good, too.
A bit more explanation would make it even better.