My first story

[Anachron]

Hello!

I also decided to write a story. Here it is, a little preview.

NOT JUST ANOTHER STORY​

CHAPTER I – THE BEGINNING​

Life is senseless. Every.

People from all over the world were going to your school. No matter what language or cult you were looking for, there was nothing your school doesn’t have. It was somehow magical, but it seems dark and modern as well. The first day of school. While you were looking at the clock, you notice how nervous you were. The time seemed to be frozen, while you were captured, the others not.
On 7am it was time to stand up. Normally you should’ve slept for about 8 hours, but you couldn’t. You finished high school and you are now student on the biggest university of the country, no doubts, you would’ve learned a lot more about humans, your job and maybe love.
Your last girlfriend broke up with you as you were 15, for a reason you never believed it could be any. At the moment you thought about it, you decided not to and stand up. You put your pants, shirt and all your stuff with. Your parents were waiting excitingly in the kitchen, where your bigger sister welcomed you with a big smile.
“Little boy is afraid”, she laughed.
Your dad looked at you. He was somehow sleepy, but you didn’t care. You thought about the school, the people, the girls, and the … “Can I please have the salt, Steve?” “Sure”. Without noticing yourself giving the salt to your sister, you continued ¬ “… the boys, the teachers.” “Steve, please, give the salt to her”, your mom said.
Oh, sorry, I am just confused about my first day. You know, there are so many new people, so many … “We know, son”. While your parents said that, you remembered some of their bad attributes. It’s hard to tell anything to the end and they never seem to realize that you’ve grown up. You made your school lunch and talked a bit about the newspaper. Today weather is going to be hot, Steve, you might want to take a 6pack with you? “Not at all or what do I need to have 2?”
It was half past 7 and your best friend took you with. His car was new, silver metallic and looked glamorous.
“Hello Dareik, how are you?”
“I am fine, just a bit afraid”
“Afraid? Why?”
“The new school will be something really big and I want the people to like me.”
“So do I”, you thought. On the 20 minute drive you thought a bit about your last years of school. The teachers you had, the people you met. Life seemed to be great. But you were missing something that you couldn’t describe. The school was close to the center of the city and looked modern, gigantic but friendly.
A lot of people were standing in front of the building, while most of them seemed to know the school, or they just weren’t afraid at all. “Dareik, are we on the right place?”, you asked.
"This is 56th Streetholme Avenue, so yes."
“Oh my god!” “Yes.”
(Still writing chapter)

More comes soon. Please give feedback!

 

[Crazy Cow]

Welcome to writing stories, Anachron. I know this is your first story, but it needs a lot of improvement.
First, I strongly suggest not using second person writing (the character in the story is the reader). While you can use this to great effect in some cases, it is hard to make it work right, and for your first story using second person would be very hard to do. I suggest using first person (telling the story from the character's point of view) or third person (telling the story from an observer's point of view) for the first story you write, or most of them.
Second, your story just doesn't make any sense at all. You start with 'Life is senseless,' and I assumed that your character would be at the bottom of some traumatic event. Then you go on about the school, then the character's life, then you have people passing salt and thinking about their past girlfriends. After that, I have no idea what is happening; it's a mess of sentences that don't relate to each other.
Third, you have a huge problem with past and present tense. You need to use different words to describe something happening in the present vs. the past, and you mix both tenses together. Take this sentence:
"While you were looking at the clock, you notice how nervous you were."
The words while and were indicate that this is happened in the past. However, the word notice suggests that it is happening now. The conflicting tense really screws up the story, and you need to fix that.
Fourth, typing out numbers less than 100 makes your story look more professional.
Fix up the story with the points above. Good luck with your story and your future writing.

 

[Anachron]

Second, your story just doesn't make any sense at all. You start with 'Life is senseless,' and I assumed that your character would be at the bottom of some traumatic event. Then you go on about the school, then the character's life, then you have people passing salt and thinking about their past girlfriends. After that, I have no idea what is happening; it's a mess of sentences that don't relate to each other.

Thanks, actually I like speaking directly to the reader.

Second, your story just doesn't make any sense at all. You start with 'Life is senseless,' and I assumed that your character would be at the bottom of some traumatic event. Then you go on about the school, then the character's life, then you have people passing salt and thinking about their past girlfriends. After that, I have no idea what is happening; it's a mess of sentences that don't relate to each other.

Well, its starting slowly, and the beginning sentence will make sense later. As I said, that is just the beginning. I will clear things up later. Also, why doesn't this makes sense? I mean hes taking a breakfast and I try to bring some elements into the story.

Third, you have a huge problem with past and present tense. You need to use different words to describe something happening in the present vs. the past, and you mix both tenses together. Take this sentence:
"While you were looking at the clock, you notice how nervous you were."
The words while and were indicate that this is happened in the past. However, the word notice suggests that it is happening now. The conflicting tense really screws up the story. You really need to fix that.
Fix up the story with the points above. Good luck with your story and your future writing.

Thanks.