Journals of the Damned

[lord_ken]

Journals of the Damned. Comments please! No comments and no motivation make Ken pissed.

UPDATE: Thursday May 6, 2010 1:07 PM - Even though nobody seems to be commenting. -_-

UPDATE: Thursday May 6, 2010 1:43 PM - Posted Entry 2 WIP, Will continue once I find some more motivation.

UPDATE: Thursday May 6, 2010 7:16 PM - I removed the previous Entry 2 and posted a new one, Cause i didn't like the last one. >_>

UPDATE: Friday May 7, 2010 1:49 AM - I fixed the errors that CC pointed out, And i also changed the Entry 2, Again, Seeing as how the last one was rushed and needed a bit more flair in it.

Entry 1

Death, the state of which mankind seemed to fear, they have long since avoided death since their birth. Desperately they clung onto life as if it was the only anchor to happiness. They are fools. They are blind to see what death has to offer them. We, the damned and the forgotten, have long since discovered the many possibilities that death can offer. Once you are dead there are no more regrets like wise life has. The dead can no longer feel sadness and sorrow, no longer do they feel pain. Life is a limitation to the many things mankind can do, and we, the damned are here to free mankind of that limitation and their foolish excuses to live.

The libraries of the damned contains vast knowledge and information that none others could obtain, we humbly present this journal of the last Necromancer who raised us from the grave, to you. We your humble servants have written all we can of the history of this world to present it to you so that it may be of use. This journal contains the creation of Necromancy, the rise of its power, and the life of the one that created this wonderful art of magic.


End of entry 1

Entry 2

The palpable silence filled the cold, dark air of the underground caverns of which the Cult of the Damned was currently situated in. It was in these very dark tunnels. That the creator of Necromancy, Kranken Herz had set to his task, assigned by his Dark master. The god of death, Hades.


Kranken Herz led a promising life, full of fortune and leisure, he was a very fortunate child, but, it was not to be. During his early years, his parents enrolled him in an arcane school of magic. He was a child prodigy as he quickly graduated from the class with excellent expertise. He graduated ahead of his class and was came to be one of the aspiring wizards of the Scarlet highlands. The paradise of magic, the land of wizards. He had reached into the councils of the Scarlet shield. As he dedicated his powers into defending the land. That was, until the attack of the Demonic scourge, a dimensional rift was suddenly open in the far distances of the volcanic lands of Karnak. Demons poured out of the rift and violently attacked the Scarlet citadel. The scourge dealt a mass amount of damage, but, the scarlet warriors prevailed and drove them off back to their dimension. It was during this time, that Kranken Herz witnessed the great powers of Black magic. He came to realize that his great fortune and reputation was of no value, because of the fact that life would soon end. He murdered his friends and his family in madness as he fled into the forest, which the demons has scarred forever making the ground dead and the trees rot, in those bleak times he had witnessed the true potential of magic, in the arts that the foolish, squeamish mages of the Scarlet Citadel had utterly shunned; the magnificent art of Black Magic.


Kranken Herz, impressed by the magic of the demonic scourge that he fled into the underground caverns. Of which We are standing at now. And studied the art of magic for years and years, the art required much sacrifices as he changed Mentally and Physically, gone was the fine controlled young man, who was replaced by the unstable and Physically scarred Kranken who was driven mad by the fact that all of his former riches and power would soon be gone. The art had required so much of him, and he had not the power to fulfill its true potential, even as such a powerful wizard as he; at least, until the day he had heard the great Hades. He was given a vision of the armaggedon, the end of the world and the harbingers of the wrath of Hades as he destroyed this unpure world. He was given a task. To study the art of Black Magic and make ready for the coming day of the end of days. He set to his tasks in these dark tunnels with zeal for his new master, and he quickly returned to surface to search for people who might listen to the teachings of his Dark master. And it was so that the Cult of the Damned had begun, spreading slowly, quietly, like a snake in the green grass of the Scarlet-Highlands. It was here that he, Kranken Herz, had set the base to his work, the world oblivious to his and the Cult's existence.


End entry 2

 

[Latecat]

I think its kind of interesting.

But ill get more 'deep' with that once i got time again later today (possibly)

 

[Crazy Cow]

Seems like this story is going in a great direction. However, you have a few mechanical errors.

Your use of commas is, to put it bluntly, bad. The first thing is that you capitalize after every comma, like so:
This sentence is about commas, And will tell you how to use them.
You don't need to do this. Capitalization only comes at the beginning of a sentence or the name of something important. This is quite easy to correct; just change the capital letters after each comma, like so:
This sentence is about commas, and will tell you how to use them.

The next is that you have many commas where a period would be much better. Your first sentence, for example (bold letters have been changed):
Death, the state of which mankind seemed to fear, they have long since avoided death since their birth.
A comma is rightly placed between death and the, but incorrectly between fear and they. The sentence beginning with they should be a sentence alone, not part of the first sentence, like so:
Death, the state of which mankind seemed to fear. They have long since avoided death since their birth.
This is a lot harder to correct. English is a wonky language, and there are a dozen different rules for using commas, so it is hard to know where commas should go. The best way is to read your sentences out-loud (I know it sounds ridiculous, but it works). Your mind will automatically pause between each sentence, and if you have a comma instead of a period it is generally a good idea to replace it. You can also feel free to ask me to run your story over to fix those comma-period mix-ups.

Other than that, your story looks fine. No spelling errors or other errors, although I don't quite agree with your word choice. Your story looks good, and I look forward to more entries.

 

[lord_ken]

Thanks CC for your comment, I'll go and fix those errors and I'll also try to improve more on word choices.