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Darkness Calls

Discussion in 'Screenwriting, Storyboarding & Concept Creation' started by sonofjay, Aug 22, 2012.

  1. sonofjay

    sonofjay

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    First of all, I just want to tell you guys that Darkness Calls is a RolePlaying series on XtremeRP, but I'm sharing this here.

    Its just me and a friend of mine rping this.
    Me = Me
    DividebyZero = Friend

    Darkness Calls main RP forum thread: Clicky

    XtremeRP link: Clicky

    I hope you guys enjoy this, if you found typo or wrong grammar, deal with it, its a RP anyway [​IMG]

    Not so important but read this guys if you want
    [​IMG]

    Year 2070, the Russian's Chemistry Group called AvoX transported the newly discovered element called "Z", it took them 18 years of study to able to decide that it was ready for transport, the "Z" will be transported to "Zelxerov City" located at Northern Russia, the transport truck took 5 days to travel. As the truck arrived to its destination, a group of rebels ambushed the truck and able to get the "Z" thinking that it will give them millions. But they never expected that "Z" is a form of minerals/bacteria that can mutate mammal if exposed for a long period of time and the bacteria will took over the host brain, to be able for the bacteria to live, it will drink blood on the host's brain the and for the host to live, the bacteria need to feed the host with human's blood. And if the host totally decayed due to lack of blood the bacteria will need to find another host.

    Darkness Calls is a team created to dispatch all the infected humans.
    AvoX is the team that discovered the "Z", they are also the group assigned to find a cure.

    Current Year: 2085
    Infection: 70%
    Location: Zelxerov City
    [​IMG]



    [​IMG]

    Chapter 1

    ME:

    October 20 2085
    Storage Warehouse, Zelxerov City, Russia

    23:50

    Anton Smirov, Captain of the 2nd Squad of Darkness Calls draw draw his M4A1, attached with Heat Censor to detect any infected and civilian. He position himself in front of the warehouse backdoor readied himself to start the mission. With 8 more men behind him, they are task to rescue 15 civilians who are hiding on a maze-like ware house.

    "Gunner cover our six, Hawk back me up" Anton said with a low but frosty voice.

    "Breaching, breaching"

    Anton kicked the door as hard as he can, then entered the warehouse.

    "HQ, we're in, proceeding on the rescue mission."

    "Roger that Anton, we leave the rest to you, good luck."

    "Roger HQ, guys proceed with the plan."

    DivideByZero:


    "Roger that."

    Gunner proceeds to his position, scanning for any sign of movement.

    "Gaah. I really don't like tight spaces. Got no movement, area seems clear sir."

    He never expected a place like this. A place weird enough to scare the hell out of a big man wielding an axe.
    Gunner checks his corners then taps his radio.

    "COM check. You sure they're here, sir? It's not that I'm doubting intel but, this place has no sign of life."

    ME:


    "We will see if its true"

    Anton moved to the side, he opened his bag and pull out a map.

    [​IMG]

    "We're currently here with the "1" sign, the intel said that the civilian groups are divided into 4 and in 4 different rooms."

    "Why did they split up." Hawk asked, lowering his Assault AK.

    "The civilians said on there last phone call that they're surrounded with Z's, too many to actually out run them." Anton replied.

    "Ahh, so that is the reason the HQ send us here."

    "We will first go to this room "4" since its the nearest, then we'll just continue till we reach room 3, after that, we will go down here in the bottom left and then go escape back here in the backdoor."

    "Gunner lead the way" Anton.

    DivideByZero:


    "Roger"

    Gunner raised his aim and started walking. The place was quiet. Too quiet that you can ever hear your own heartbeat. He was about to say that the area is clear when suddenly, he heard a soft

    "Uhhhhnnn"

    Follow by another

    "Uhhnn"

    "I got movement. Two on the top right corner, one by the opening"

    "These guys looked like they were, uhh, bitten. Awaiting orders, sir."


    ME:


    Antov was following Gunner when they heard some soft moans,

    "I got movement. Two on the top right corner, one by the opening"

    "These guys looked like they were, uhh, bitten. Awaiting orders, sir." said Gunner.

    "Any Z infected host should be killed, shoot at your own will." I replied.

    Anton readied his M4A1 and aimed.

    The 2 infected spotted them it start running towards Antov and the group, the infected are their hard to reach them with there rotten legs.

    "Fire!"


    DivideByZero:



    "Fire!" Anton shouted.

    Bullets were sprayed on the two infected. They've taken almost 10 shots before they go down.

    "I'll take out the other one"

    The other infected spotted Gunner he run towards it, ramming it the wall followed by a headshot from his sidearm.

    "Area clear!"

    "Geez. These guys are running? It'll make this job a piece of cake if they are just walking. Proceeding to the next area."

    Gunner nearly vomited when he saw they're faces. It didn't even looked like a face. But he set it all aside, focusing on the mission, as he always does.


    ME:


    After the first encounter, the group continue the rescue missions, they're almost on the first room when.

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH"

    "Its a shout, its coming on that room sir!" Hawk shouted!

    "Proceed on the room quick!"

    The group run as fast as they could until they reach the room's door. It was dead silent when they arrived.

    "Sir, its silent here, I have a feeling that something is wrong." Gunner said.

    "Back me up, we're going it"

    Anton readied himself, he feel nervous but he didn't let his team to see it. He swallowed then kick the door, it was dark, but Anton's flashlight is enough to see the horror inside, 10+ civilians dead, almost all are ripped apart.

    "What the hell happened here?"

    Anton heard a roar on the far end of the room, the others come in. It was horrible,Anna almost vomited when he saw the dead bodies.

    "What happened here Captain?"

    "Captain?"

    Anna then aimed his flashlight on where Anton is staring.

    "Shit." Hawk said

    A huge and bulky zombie was in front of them, at least 8 foot tall, his body was so distorted that you can't even identify his body parts.

    "Fuck, Captain, should we shoot???" Asked Gunner.

    The huge zombie turn his look to them and charged to them.

    "Shoot!" Anton screamed.


    DivideByZero:


    The big thing, that looks more likely a weird disgusting monster, took every bullet that sprayed on it.

    "Shit. Is this thing made of steel or what?!"

    Gunner stared at the Captain while holding his Frag.

    The Captain nodded.

    "Everyone out!"

    "But sir!" Hawk declining.

    "That's an order! Go!"

    "Hawk, c'mon!" Anna called him.

    Only the two of them left. The Captain already had a plan in mind when he saw Gunner holding a frag.

    "Gunner, I'll get his attention. Be ready. On my Go. Throw it"

    "Roger."


    ME:


    Hawk, Anna and the others left the room.

    "Gunner, I'll get his attention. Be ready. On my Go. Throw it"

    "Roger."

    I aimed my M4A1 and shoot 4 bullets, all hitting him on the chest but it looks like he didn't mind it.

    "Shit."

    The huge zombie charged to me, I shoot a couple of more shot all hits him on his head, the monster somewhat stumbled giving me a opportunity to closed in, I charged to him, pinning him down, I punch its distorted face a couple of times and grab my 9mm pistol and shoot his kneecaps I was able to shoot a whole mag before he able to shove me, I quickly nod to Gunner and ran towards the door.

    "Now."

    Gunner throw the frag on the ugly monster that was trying to stand up. I and gunner was able to escape the room before the frag exploded.

    "That should bring him down." Gunner said.


    DivideByZero



    "That should bring him down."

    But if this thing stood up. I would gladly kill myself. And luckily, it didn't. The Captain had a sharp mind. I read a report about him. No wonder he was assigned to a mission like this. If there are other monsters like this, we should be prepared.

    "Thanks for the assist Gunner"

    "I should be thanking you, sir."

    "Captain, are you alright?" Anna said.

    "We're fine. Where are the others?"

    "We heard a scream not far from here, Hawk volunteered to check it out"

    "That's room 2, sir. I'd be praising God if someone's still alive in this forsaken place." Gunner said with a faint smile.

    "Alright, everyone on me. Let's go check room 2."

    "You took that thing down? Just the two of you?" Anna whispered to me.

    "Yeah. I can't believe it either. I don't know if it's luck or something but if we ever encounter another one of these things, I swear to God I--"

    Hawk speaks through the radio.

    "Sir. I've found a civilian. And something that you should see."


    ME:


    "Sir. I've found a civilian. And something that you should see." Hawk said on the radio.

    My heart pumped fast, I.. I...

    "Lets go team, move quickly!"

    Me, Gunner and Anna ran quickly, I was excited to see more people that we can save, I.. I always remember what happened to my family.. and I was unable to save them.

    We reached the "2" room.

    "Here we are, where is Hawk?" I asked.


    DivideByZero:


    "I'm here sir. Take a look at this." Hawk said.

    "A PDA? Where did you find it?"

    "I got it from Mr. Richards here. He said he found that on a body of a soldier. He thought it might help him to contact anyone that can save them."

    "Them?" Gunner asked.

    "Yeah, apparently, there are more of them in room 3. He had to get the PDA, he said."

    "Give me that PDA, Hawk." Smirnov felt weird.

    Why is there a PDA in here? Was there another team sent before them? What he knows is that they were the first to get there.

    Hawk gave the PDA.

    "There's a report there about the Z. It also mentioned something about conducting experiments at an Underground Lab."

    "You think the guy that owns this works for them?" Gunner asked.

    "Possible. But the only thing we have now is that PDA. We should rescue the civvies first before checking out that labor--"

    Captain Anton interrupted Hawk.

    "This is from the Russian Military."

    "Russian Military? What the hell?" Gunner was shocked. As all of them were.

    "Let's talk about this later, civilians are the priorities. Hawk, Anna, I want you to check room 5 and then meet us on the back door. Chrome, Rubber, I want you to take Mr. Richards out, Cold, go with them and radio the chopper for evac. Gunner, Berto, on me. We're going to room 3."


    ME:



    "Gunner, Berto, on me. We're going to room 3."

    We immediately run towards the room 3, while running, I can't keep myself from thing about that PDA, why is it here? I suddenly feel very thirsty, I stopped to get my bottled water.

    "Problem sir?" Berto asked.

    "Just keep moving, I'll just drink and take a rest for a couple of second, I'll follow you guys quickly."

    I took my bottled water in my bag, opened it and swallowed a couple, I closed the bottle and put it inside my back. When I was supposed to move to follow Gunner and Berto, I feel that someone was behind me. I gripped my 9mm in-case it was a Z, when I turned around.

    "Who.. who are you?"

    "Hello Captain Smirnov, how is it going?"

    I can't see the face of the person, but I can see that he was wearing a white coat. Is he?

    "Who are you, are you one of them?"

    "Who Captain?"

    "The Russia.."

    "AAAHHH"

    I turned around hoping to see someone screaming, but I found no one, it must be coming on room 3.

    "Hey.."

    When I turned around to face the speaker, he was also gone.

    "Fuck, where did he go?"

    There is no time to find him, I must go and find Gunner and Berto.

    When I arrived, Gunner was standing near the door, and Berto was assisting some civilians.

    "What happened?" I asked Gunner.

    "8 Infected down, 3 civilian died, sorry Sir, we didn't reach them on time."

    "No need to be sorry Gunner, you guys did your best."

    "Anyone injured?" I asked.

    "None sir, anyone is ready for evac." Berto replied.

    "Good, lets go guys we're heading out."

    "Anna do you read me? What is your situation." I asked on the radio.

    "We're alright sir, we heard someone screaming, are you guys okay?"

    "We're fine, we got 3 casualties and 8 infected down, we're heading on the evac, lets meet there."

    "Roger that."




    Chapter 2

    ME:

    October 21 2085
    Darkness Calls HQ

    9:30

    Anton was walking in the corridors going to DC's conference room, beside him is Darkness Call's Commanding in Chief, Maria Zirnov.

    "In the latest report, 14 of the rescued civilians are negative to any Z contamination, 4 are under observation." Maria reported. "You guys did a great job"

    "We could have saved more" I replied.

    "You guys are out working yourself, I suggest that you guys take a rest, even just a week or two. You, Hawk, Chrome and Anna had done 17 consecutive missions with in 2 weeks."

    "We got some new guys, we can handle ourselves."

    "Its and order Captain!"

    A few more walk and we reached the Conference Room's door.

    "Ladies first." I said.

    "Thank you." Maria replied.

    Maria opened the door and we entered, it looks like all of the higher officers are around. On the far right I sighted my group. Anna, Hawk, Chrome and the new recruits on our team, Rubber, Berto and Gunner are all around. I walk towards them, Hawk quickly noticed and greeted me.

    "Sup Captain, wooh, looks like You and Maria have a little bit of talk, how is it?"

    "Shut up Hawk."

    Hawk really is this lively, he's been the clown of the team and one of the original member I always trust this guy, he is been one of my loyal and best soldier.

    "Did you get any sleep Captain?" Anna asked.

    "4 Hours, that was enough."

    Anna is the medic of the team also the youngest, she is an expert on hand to hand combat and can knock a couple of big guys with ease, she looks beautiful even with his combat suit with his blonde hair and ember eyes, she needs to get a life after we get rid of this Zs, Chrome just need to realize that Anna likes here.

    "I retrieved the documents that you wanted me to get, I left it on your table last night. " Chrome said.

    "Yeah I saw it, will read it after the conference, good job Chrome, you should take a sleep later."

    "Wait? What? What document? Chrome did you leave last night for another mission?!" Anna shouted, people looked to us when they heard Anna's loud, annoying but beautiful voice. "Oops sorry."

    "So Chrome, you left last night?"

    "Yeah."

    "Why you didn't tell me?"

    "Because?"

    Chrome, one of my best soldier, one of my original team, he is a deadly assassin, and also a great thinker, he actually led the team a few times when I'm not around. He always do missions for me alone, he is not afraid of anything and always ready to die for his comrades.

    "Enough of the chit chat guys" I said "the conference is going to start."

    I looked on the new recruits. Berto, Rubber and Gunner.

    Berto looks like a strong man with that huge biceps of him, I can use him for many types of missions, pretty useful. Rubber, based on his files he is a ex-captain for the Delta Team, looks he can handle his own team for DC but officials said that he rejected it and only want to be a team member, I think I can trust this guy and can leave the team to him when I'm doing my own stuffs. Gunner... hmmm... based on his files he is a Sergeant First Class and working for the Presiden't Special Unit, I think he have some humor behind his mysterious aura since I saw the team laughing with him. But I still think he is hiding something from us.


    DivideByZero:

    What a day, that's what I thought after the mission ended. We managed to rescue most of the civvies. When it comes to leadership, I won't doubt the Captain. He's got skills. But I'm worried he might screw up if something reminded him of his family's death.

    "Enough of the chit chat guys, the conference is going to start."

    Conference. That's right. We were about to discuss something. I can't wait to finish my mission here. As long as this thing, a virus whatsoever, stays in Russia, America is safe. Heh. Just get the job done, Rivers. Like you always do. The last line I heard before leaving camp. I wonder if I can even do it.

    Better get my mind right.


    ME:

    A few minutes later, General Rodriguez started the conference "Ladies and Gentlemen, I called you to this conference for us to discuss a very important issue concerning the Z" Rodriguez then look to our side "Captain Anton Smirnov and his Squad discovered a high profile information from their previous mission, and the information is... really frightening."

    General's last word made some commotion.

    "We will now watch a slide show with all the information that we recovered from the Captain Smirnov's last mission."

    The lights turned off and the slide show started.

    "It is still not confirmed but.. it looks like someone was making some experimentation on the Z, we found information containing new types of this monster that they're developing."

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    The room was silent after seeing the slide show, after a few minutes some started to cry. I myself thought it was horrible, this is not right, something is needed to be done.

    "I know this is hard to believe, it is not yet confirmed and we will do investigations about this. I'm assigning the squad 2,5,7,8,10 and 12 on this investigation, each will conduct their own, the investigation will be led by Captain Anton Smirnov." after that, the General left the office.

    "Everyone is dismiss except for Captain Smirnov's Squad, we have something to discuss." Maria said.


    DivideByZero:

    "Everyone is dismiss except for Captain Smirnov's Squad, we have something to discuss."

    It sounded like Maria's about to send us to an extremely dangerous mission. Well, just my feeling. After seeing those things in the slideshow, nobody thought that the Russian Military could do such things. Which, in fact, they just did.

    "Hey Gunner. Is it weird for a big man, like me, to get scared of these things?" Berto asked.

    "It would've been so much weird if you aren't, Bert." I replied with a smile.

    If anything, they should be scared of him. The guy's a really big dude. But hey, every man has their own fears. Even me, but it won't stop me. Not now, not ever.

    And then there was an authoritative voice, it was Maria.

    "Alright, listen up everyone."


    ME:

    "Alright, listen up everyone." Maria said "We have found the location of the laboratory where this experiment was taken place, in fact there are 6 more laboratories that we suspect to also conducted this experiment, Captain, I want you and your squad to investigate the laboratory on the west north that our Intel said to be the biggest of all. Is your squad ready for this?"

    "We are Maria" I replied "We will move at dawn."

    "I know you guys haven't rested since the last mission, but this is a high profile investigation and I want you and your squad a long with the top squads to handle this things."

    "No problem Maria, there are still 15 hours before dawn, me and the others will take a rest before moving."

    "Okay Captain, wish you guys luck."

    With that, Maria left the room. It took a couple of minute before Berto broke the silent.

    "So, what do you guys plan before leaving?"

    "Rest." Chrome said.

    "You haven't slept yet Chrome, you should go now." Anna said with concern with his voice.

    "What about you Captain?" Gunner asked.

    "I have slept this morning, Anna, Berto, Chrome, you guys can leave now" I ordered "Hawk, Gunner, Rubber, you guys slept last night?"

    "Yes sir." the three replied.

    "Good, we will discuss about the mission, hey wait. Where is Cold?"

    "Haven't seen him since the last mission Sir." Hawk replied.

    "I think he was picked to be on the President's Special Unit, I think they want some veterans around the Guy." said Rubber.

    "Hmmm okay," I walked towards a chair and sit on it "Gunner, Rubber, I didn't told you guys this about the last mission because its only a low profile mission and we're only sent there because we're the only team around here last night. But this time, its more serious, every time my squad is sent to a mission, its always been a high profile and dangerous mission, this squad already lost almost 60 men within 16 missions"

    I'm not really surprise when I saw the reactions on the face of Gunner and Rubber.

    "Are you serious?" said Rubber with a really terrified face? He looked to Hawk to confirm my statement but Hawk nodded agreeing to me "That's bullshit."

    "I know Rubber, but that is what we are trained for." I replied. I looked to Gunner to see his reaction, but it looks like he want to keep it to himself.

    "But why are you telling this to us? What about Berto?" Gunner asked.

    "Berto know our history, he was trained for 2 years to be part of our team." Hawk replied.

    "We just want you guys to be ready for anything, we can't guard you guys on the battlefield, so it means you have to do it on your own. I don't want to lose another member.." I said.

    "Don't worry Captain, we will finish this mission without a single scratch!" Gunner said.

    "Heh, I hope so, you guys can do now, Hawk stay here we have to talk about something."


    Chapter 3.1

    ME:

    October 22 2085
    Laboratory Entrace

    3:55

    "Is everyone ready?" I asked.

    "Yes Sir, waiting for commands." Hawk replied.

    I gripped my M4A1, once again I remembered all the men I lost. I will not let my men die anymore.
    a
    "Okay move."

    We ran towards the site's main gate, Berto kicked the gate and we entered the site. It was dead silent.

    "Is there still anyone here?" Chrome asked.

    "I don't know" I replied "but we must continue the search, stick to the plan, no one will move without a pair, just stick together and don't let your guards down."

    We walk slowly towards the main entrance, it was a bit cold. When we arrived in front of the main entrance, Gunner puts the explosives and blew the door up.

    "Okay moved, search the area for movements.

    DivideByZero:

    "Okay move, search the area for movements." the Captain ordered.

    Quiet. The only definition I can come up just by looking at this place.

    "Area clear, sir." I responded.

    "Hell. What do you expect? Look like these guys already evacuated before the infection. I mean, no sign of a single life." Berto replied.

    "Just like the first mission, eh? Then we got attacked by dozens of 'em. Then the big thing. And weird conspiracies and clues about the infection. This mission would've been better if there was a firefight. But then again, it's a shame that zombies don't use guns."

    As Rubber scans the area,
    "Really, Gunner? Zombies using guns? You have a wild imagination, my friend."

    "Wild imagination can save your ass, on certain circumstances." I replied.

    Then Anna called our attention,

    "Be quiet, you guys. I think I heard something."

    ME:

    "Be quiet, you guys. I think I heard something." Anna said quietly.

    I turned my head to where the low noises coming from, I aimed my m4a1 slowly walking towards the source of the noise. I back myself on the walls ready to engage anything.

    "Hawk cover me."

    I inhaled then moves towards the corridor, it was dark, and I can barely see anything, my flashlight only lit a very small area, the place was doomed, the tiles are full of bloodstained, and the smell is really awful.

    "Shit, what the hell happened here?" I asked myself.

    As I told myself that its clear, I quickly turned my back to regroup with my men. But as I turned around, a hand grab my shoulder. I glanced back and saw a infected with half of his face ripped apart, it was disgusting. I quickly kick it away, I aimed my gun towards the out of balanced creature and show a couple on its head.

    "ON YOUR LEFT CAPTAIN!"

    It was too late when I heard Hawk's warning, a infected pinned me down. I was expecting Hawk to shoot the infected but no shot was fired. I looked to Hawk and saw him struggling on his own from the attackers. The other came but the on my calculation there is more than 20 infected attacking us.

    The one pinning me attempted to bite me but i quickly punched its head, I grabbed my knife using my left hand and stab him on his ripped face.

    The creature scream on the pain, giving me enough time to throw him back, I got up and pulled my 9mm and shoot him 3 times on his head.

    DivideByZero:

    "ON YOUR LEFT CAPTAIN!" Hawk shouted.

    And before we knew it, these things are coming from everywhere, sprinting onto us like hell. Like they were waiting for us. We are like rats trapped in a cage. This was one hell of a quiet place, eh?

    "Open fire! Open fire!" The captain shouted as he got back up.

    Bullets spraying all over them. But they won't go down easily.

    "Cap! We need a way out!" I shouted.

    "Everyone, on me and run as fast as you can!"

    All of us ran like hell. The second one of us slows down is dead meat. It's like trying to run away from a mad dog that thinks of you as bone meal.

    "Head for that door! Go! Go!"

    As I enter the room, I felt a slight relief. I maybe safe, but not for long. Then a loud noise filled the room as Berto pushed a big desk to block the door.

    "Bingo, sir." Hawk said with a faint voice.

    "It's the Security and Control room."

    "Must be our lucky day, eh Cap?" I asked.

    "I hope so, Rivers. Hawk, find anything you can. Replays, Documents, and other files connected to the virus and the experiments they conduct here."

    "This might take a minute or two, sir."

    Rubber called out the Captain, "I found an exit, sir. Or that's what I hope it would be."

    The Captain tried to raise his authoritative voice,

    "Gunner, Anna, on me. Berto, guard the door from where we came in. If anything breaks in, you know what to do. Chrome, stay here with Bert. As soon as Hawk finishes his work, give us a tap on the radio. Got it?"

    Everybody answered in chorus.

    "Sir, yes sir!"

    "Rubber, on three, Open and Clear." the Captain ordered.

    One..

    Two..

    Three..

    "Go!"

    ME:

    Rubber kicked the door as hard as he could. My eyes took a couple of second to adjust on the utter darkness of the hallway.

    "Captain its too dark here." Anna complained.

    I raised my gun and turned on the flashlight and so we can inspect the hallway. As the light enters started to fill the dark way the four of us was shocked on what we found.

    "Sir am I hallucinating?" Gunner asked.

    "Rubber checked if that girl is alive."

    Rubber slowly walked on the girl. A few feet away Rubber extended his rifle and poke the girl.

    "Hey miss are you still alive?" He asked.

    Damn what the hell is he thinking? I said to myself.

    "Check her pulse!" Anna shouted.

    "But...but..but.."

    I went to Rubber's position and tapped his shoulder.

    "Great I have a soldier who kills monsters everyday but he can't check a girl's pulse."

    "Sorry Captain."Rubber replied.

    I kneel down to check the girl. Her face looks very pale, she looks young, might be on his mid 20's. I cut her strait jacket then check her pulse.

    "Is she alive sir?"Gunner asked.

    "She is, but her pulse is low. We need to get her out here quickly."

    "But what about the mission sir?"

    "We're pulling back with civilians, she needs medical care. HQ will understand."

    "Roger."

    "Uhhmm."

    I quickly look on the girl, is she awake?

    "Miss are you awake?"

    The girl slowly opened her eyes, she have a beautiful pale blue eyes. The girl was startled when she saw me.

    "Please, please let me go!" she cried.

    I pulled her and hug her tight.

    "Don't worry miss, we came here for your rescue, we are from the government."

    I felt that she returned the hug and she started to cry.

    "Please, get me out of here."

    "We will don't be scare now you're in good hands. Anyway what is your name?"

    "I'm.. i'm Dinara Stolypin. Just call me Dina."

    "Its nice to meet you Dina, I'm Captain Anton Smirnov and this coward guy is Rubber, that girl is Anna and the guy beside him is Gunner. We still have some man at that room. Lets go inside."

    "Okay."

    I help her stand but its too obvious that she is still weak so I carried here to the room.

     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2012
  2. sonofjay

    sonofjay

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    Added Chapter 2.
     
  3. Losventia

    Losventia

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    Very nice~ I like the concept. I like how you included a map to show the reader how the warehouse "maze" looks like (which would be very meticulous and near impossible to describe exactly by words). I also like how you included the "slideshow." It really gives a nice feel and immerses the reader into the story.

    Anton's character is well established, the typical cool Captain of a squad with the frosty voice. I think that the personalities of the other characters were fairly well established.

    There are a couple of details I'd like to go over.

    Some of the issues you should address with your friend is this concept called "Plausibility vs Possibility." Sure, this story and the characters' dialogue and actions may not be possible, but it must be plausible.

    For example:
    "Any Z infected host should be killed, shoot at your own will." I replied.

    ...

    A huge and bulky zombie was in front of them, at least 8 foot tall, his body was so distorted that you can't even identify his body parts.

    "Fuck, Captain, should we shoot???" Asked Gunner."

    Well of course he should shoot! This is an example of the implausibility of character dialogue.

    Another thing to work on is a concept called "Kill your babies." This is a quote from Kurt Vonnegut, an American writer and satirist. What this quote means is that cut out all unnecessary details.

    Example:

    "I suddenly feel very thirsty, I stopped to get my bottled water.

    ...

    I took my bottled water in my bag, opened it and swallowed a couple, I closed the bottle and put it inside my back."

    It's not necessary to write out every single action of taking out the bottle from the bag and twisting off the cap and drinking it and closing it and putting it back into the bag. It is important to realize that every word in the story counts; but there has to be a greater significance to the action. Save the fact that Anton feeling thirsty is a plot device in order for him to meet this supernatural like man that's wearing a white coat, writing something like

    "He drank from the bottle, and as he closed it, he sensed a presence. He gripped his 9mm.

    would be sufficient. Not to say that what I've wrote as an example is perfect. It is just an example.

    Also, if the "Z" is a form of bacteria, and Anton is inside a warehouse that is contaminated with zombies and the bacteria, wouldn't there be a possibility that a normal bottled water could be contaminated when opened?

    These are little things you should be thinking about when crafting a story.

    I like RPs. They are flexible. And I think you've crafted a very good story that can split into many roads. =)
     
  4. sonofjay

    sonofjay

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    Chapter 3.1 is out! It took me and DbZ a while but we will promise to make fast progress from now on.