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A tribute to autumn

Discussion in 'Screenwriting, Storyboarding & Concept Creation' started by don_svetlio, Oct 16, 2014.

  1. don_svetlio

    don_svetlio

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    So this is a piece I've been meaning to do since last year but I never got round to writing more than 2 lines. I recently found my scraps and decided it was time to finished it. Without further ado, here is my latest short poem.
    Enjoy and share your opinions.


    Fall

    Under the harvest moon,
    slowly embracing the noon.
    Memories of the distant June,
    fade before the coming monsoon.

    Wind gusting over the hills,
    bringing the midnight chills,
    turning the hollowed mills,
    arousing newfound thrills.

    Rain falls and with it I lay,
    amidst grass golden and stones grey.
    I sit there alone and I pray,
    the ghosts of the past get... washed away.

    Under the hunter's moon,
    slowly embracing the noon.
    Everything will slowly attune,
    nothing is forever immune.

    Lying on the ground, barely awake,
    suddenly feel the warmth of light opaque.
    I turn and I watch as the dawn makes its break,
    leaving me alone, to linger in its wake.
     
  2. MiniMage

    MiniMage

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    Neat poem is neat. Mixed it up a little to feel more varied.

    Fall - Remixed // Alternative title because boredom - The Autumn Dance

    Under the harvest moon, memories of a distant June, wind gusting over the hills,
    thoughts fade before the coming typhoon, bringing the midnight chills, slowly embracing the noon.
    Rain falls and with it I lay, turning the hollowed mills, amidst grass golden and stones grey.

    Watching the nature sway, under the hunter's moon, slowly embracing the monsoon.
    Through winds and leaves abound, amidst the autumn tune, flung through torrential music,
    through soaring winds and deafening sounds, winds flailing mounds in a fray of grass and trees.

    Everything will slowly attune, the ghosts of the past get washed away. nothing is forever immune.
    Lying on the ground, suddenly feeling the warmth of light opaque. I turn and I watch as the dawn makes its break.


    Actually, you know what? I'm bored. I'll throw in some words just for shits and giggles. Hope you don't mind.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2014
  3. Keiji

    Keiji

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    You've got to be. Don't ever touch someone else's poem.
    - It's paramount to swearing in the church.

    My personal thought on this is that it's a bit too... Apparent.
    What truly makes a poem great is when you've got to twist
    your head about why the words are there, why in that order
    and why it's written at all.

    Don't "hail" the picturesque imprint of Autumn,
    we've got painters for that, hail the feelings, the thoughts
    and the notions together with how fall looks, but
    most importantly, let us know how it makes you feel.

    I like this bit, but I'd replace the "..." with "---" - merely for
    the "professional touch's" sake. But this is the kind of thing
    I want you to write, something personal, something "fractal"
    something... Mystic.

    Overall, though, it's a decent poem.

    If anything it makes me want to write a poem, and that's a good thing.
    But it's also a bad thing, as I have loads of other things to wrap myself
    about! :p
     
  4. MiniMage

    MiniMage

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    Well, he and I was chatting on skype and he asked me about it. He asked me for input and I made an example to make the poem feel less segmented and more flowing when it comes to the narrative and the rhymes.

    I'm by no means experienced with poems. I've read multiple ones though, so I know the general structure of them.
    As for feelings. I have no idea, I haven't felt anything in a long time. This was just an example made as I had time.

    I even asked if I could post it and he said, give it a shot. My UI inspired him, his poem inspired me. I asked him if I could fiddle around with it and he said it was a-okay. I never intended to offend anyone. If my actions actually did hurt anyone, I am deeply sorry.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2014
  5. don_svetlio

    don_svetlio

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    Thanks for the feedback Keiji-san. I greatly appreciate it and I am pleased that I've managed to inspire you as well. As for the personal writing, that's exactly what I'm aiming to achieve and, in my opinion, if you compare this to my first work, you will see a dramatical improvement. You know what they say, with practice comes perfect, so next time, it'll be even better :)
     
  6. MiniMage

    MiniMage

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  7. Keiji

    Keiji

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    Right then, Minimage.

    As long as you had clemency :p
    But really, though, if nothing else
    is otherwise implied or agreed
    upon, then touching someone's
    poem is extremely rude, just a...
    Head's up :)

    This is kind of one of those statements where "claiming to know something only makes
    you seem more like you don't know it." Poems don't have a "general" structure, hell,
    poems don't even need to rhyme. The only thing a poem needs for it to be a poem is
    a rhythm, something of which is composed by various known and unknown poets in so
    many various ways that it'd be hard to claim knowledge about "the general structure" :p
     
  8. MiniMage

    MiniMage

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    Gotcha. The poem is the magical touchy feely part of an artists heart.
    The general structure, what I mean by that is interwoven rhymes, throughout the poem.

    Can't really say I've read about them all.
    I just know that the majority of the ones I've read contains rhymes and a similar pattern regarding their placements.

    If this is breaking a unwritten rules of poem writing, then whoop. Shit happens.
    But hey, I was the one who was asked by him to help him.

    The next time, I'll forward him to you or he'll just contact you directly and cut me out of the loop.
    Whichever works best. ;D
     
  9. don_svetlio

    don_svetlio

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    Technically speaking, I asked for an opinion rather than help. The poem was already done when I shared it but I don't want to be causing trouble so I suggest we drop the issue as a whole. You asked if you could play around with it, I agreed as long as you don't present it as your own work. I don't think we should be going on crusades because of a misunderstandings.
     
  10. MiniMage

    MiniMage

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    Crusades? I literally just said that I interpreted it as if you were asking me for help.
    I then pointed out that further poem related questions should go to Keiji.

    There's no sarcasm in there. I've always been taught that poems are written to depict a picture
    to awaken emotions. I've never in my life portrayed an emotion.

    That is why I am probably the wrong person to ask. For help as well as input on it.
     
  11. Keiji

    Keiji

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    I'm not saying you can't have an opinion, I just saw a logical fallacy and had to
    address it. No hard feelings :p

    Also, yeah, most poems does, and they do fall into a category, namely
    the traditional category: Where everything is rather uniform; such as the
    same amount of stanzas in every paragraph, and rhyming at the end of
    every stanza. Very rule-based, very boring. Although, very beautiful
    sounding too.

    Personally I'm more a fan of the more playful modernistic poetry, where the
    need for forced rhyming and stanza-amount, among other things, is
    abandoned and one stands completely free to form ones own picture of what
    a poem should look like.
     
  12. fladdermasken

    fladdermasken

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    Most awesome out-of-context quote today
     
  13. Heinvers

    Heinvers

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    It's very touching and delicious :D