Untitled Doldrums

[Teh_Ephy]

This poem managed to work its way into my head what is effectively eons ago (I don't remember when, middle of some school year past, most likely this recent one). I have it written down on a sheet of paper along with several altered segments to change the flow, or in cases of lines 7 and 8, syllable count. I'm putting down the version I like best right now.

Silent Death,
Whispering ghosts,
Screaming afterlife,
Roaring Eternity,
Deafening Oblivion!
Rend! Fall to pieces of nothing!
Shatter! Sink into lost memories!
Die! A burial and no grave!
Erase! Become gone and nothing and nothing forever!
Fade away... Be rid of this hollow useless thing.

Yeah, I think I was thinking about some sort of kill...destroy...obliterate... spell...incantation...whatever... for the strange world that has slowly been taking over my imagination for the past two-ish (three-ish?) years.

 

[Undead_Lives]

Quite interesting, I like it. I think it ends a bit abruptly though.

 

[Teh_Ephy]

Perhaps, but I don't very much enjoy the thought of continuing it. Take a look at the syllable count of the lines; 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. I vaguely remember writing this, even if not when, and it was hard enough figuring that out.

 

[Undead_Lives]

You don't necessarily need to continue it, just change the ending slightly.

 

[Lingonberryjam]

mhm, nice. its very well done to be a laid up with the syllable count 3,4...12

but! my opinion: The first two lines go well together:

Silent Death,
Whispering ghosts,

You get a feeling for the described silence and whispers...
But then...

Screaming afterlife,
Roaring Eternity,

... ruins it. dont get me wrong, its definatly telling a story, or atleast giving you a hint of one. well done in that matter. But i feel the mood in the two first lines would fit better as the two last lines... get my point?

 

[Teh_Ephy]

It starts out quiet, but gets louder. Now that it's actually pointed out to me, it's a rather abrupt transition from rather quiet to rather loud, but I don't think I could keep the syllable structure with something else.