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The Sin'caran Chronicles

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UPDATED!
Right now I am developing a campaign that while be based along the lines of the following story: *Note: This is only the first part*

Background:
Long ago, in the far reaches of the universe, a planet was formed, first in stone, then in life, Later to be called Derethor. Many creatures were made to inhabit this planet, but 5 races dominated. The adaptive and rough race of Mera (Humans), land walkers and gardeners of life from the beginning. The small, but stout Riritar (Small Peoples), who learned to live in the protective places of rock. The Bhit, simple,but strong, living but without harmony with there own land.
For many, many years these races lived scattered constantly fighting the other races, and sometimes themselves. Slowly but surely each race gathered together and claimed a specific region as there own. For the Mera, the Great Forest, The Riritar, the Ririt Mountains, and The Bhit, the vast Desert. Here the races finally setteled and began to form a single authority, and unity. Finally, the races stopped fighting, content in their new homes. From then on peace followed, bringing advances before unimagined, but all this was not meant to last.


Current:
The Bhit, simingly restless in the desert home, tired of the harsh living have decided to go to war again, and take the lands of the other races.
Secretly in the Twin Mountains of the Desert they have begun building weapons, armor, and a city meant to weather the waging of war. Now, they are ready, ready to fight, and their first target.....the tangle that is the jungle.


It is now up to the Mera to organize a defense and fight back against the Bhit before they are overrun and pushed out of their villages to watch their lands slowly be eaten away by the uncaring Bhit. On the southern edge of the Great Forest, closest to the desert, lives a small village called Sin. From this village shall come the the carrier of the Fate of the Mera and, possible in the end, the Riritar.All hope rest with this gifted boy, who will hopefull unite the peoples of the forest to stand against the oncoming wave, and possibly bring peace once again.
 
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Level 24
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Feb 28, 2007
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Rather short story, you basically just explain the name of the kingdom in this world of yours. Other than that, I have a hard time believing that the races of Draenor and Azeroth would live on this world, I just mean, why? Draenor and Azeroth have completely different races, not saying teleporting from one dimension to another is impossible, I just cant accept that taurens, humans, dwarves and even orcs would even want to travel there, and even settle there permanently. It isn't that great in my opinion i'm afraid, I mean the background story isn't even a background story, you just say the name of this new world, and the name of azeroth, which seems totally irrelevant in this case. The writing was good, yes. But what you wrote was well, not at that level.

Now this isn't a hopeless case, none are. To improve it you should first add a little bit more background to it, what happened before your story takes place, how was the five kingdoms formed etc. Come up with original races, or just exclude the Warcraft Lore part, (Remove the part with azeroth and titans) and have races like: Humans, Dwarves, Minotaurs (Tauren) and Orcs. Since Tauren is a Warcraft made-up race.
_WRITE MORE_
There is to little to it, add more detail, tell us about the leaders of the different kingdoms or more about the world itself.

And that's it.
 
Level 4
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Hmm....Wow, thanks!

Edit: I guess I was writing a rough summary, but the general story improvments I will take to script.
 
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Level 4
Joined
Jun 14, 2008
Messages
69
Background:
Long ago, in the far reaches of the universe, a planet was formed, first in stone, then in life. Many creatures were made to inhabit this planet, but 5 races dominated. The adaptive and rough race of Mera (Humans), land walkers and gardeners of life from the beginning. The small, but stout Riritar (Small Peoples), who learned to live in the protective places of rock. The Bhit, simple,but strong, living but without harmony with there own land.
For many, many years these races lived scattered constantly fighting the other races, and sometimes themselves. Slowly but surely each race gathered together and claimed a specific region as there own. For the Mera, the Great Forest, The Riritar, the Ririt Mountains, and The Bhit, the vast Desert. Here the races finally setteled and began to form a single authority, and unity. Finally, the races stopped fighting, content in their new homes. From then on peace followed, bringing advances before unimagined, but all this was not meant to last.

Current:
The Bhit, simingly restless in the desert home, tired of the harsh living have decided to go to war again, and take the lands of the other races.
Secretly in the Twin Mountains of the Desert they have begun building weapons, armor, and a city meant to weather the waging of war. Now, they are ready, ready to fight, and their first target.....the tangle that is the jungle.

It is now up to the Mera to organize a defense and fight back against the Bhit before they are overrun and pushed out of their villages to watch their lands slowly be eaten away by the uncaring Bhit. On the southern edge of the Great Forest, closest to the desert, lives a small village called Sin. From this village shall come the the carrier of the Fate of the Mera and, possible in the end, the Riritar.All hope rest with this gifted boy, who will hopefull unite the peoples of the forest to stand against the oncoming wave, and possibly bring peace once again.

I know, I know, still short, but more original. Poke at it now.
 
Level 4
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What this means though is I have to start over on my map though lol. And the name to. And ideas for the name of the boy?
 
Level 24
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Messages
3,479
Fen'Root would be a fitting name, in my opinion.

I like the improvements Alleycat5, much better than the originial one, perhaps update the first post so that people do not see your old story at first. Anyways good luck with your map and keep it up.
 
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