One of my poems

[Okunevic]

A Crying Girl

When shadows are dying
And that bright moon is full
I see a girl crying
I won't ignore her , I am not fool

I ask her : what happened
She answers : oh nothing
Her boyfriend found other
Girl who's not worth loving

I said : can I help you ?
To make you feel better
And I touched her hand
It was soft like a feather

She asked me to leave her
And never come back
She doesn't need helping
And wants to be dead

When shadows are dying
And that bright moon is full
You'll see that girl crying
But to her you'll be null


All your criticism and feedback is welcome

 

[MySpaceBarBroke]

The rhyming scheme is extremely awkward (full:fool, nothing:loving, better:feather, back:dead) and it seems only the last stanza had one that didn't invoke raising an eyebrow.

The grammar is rather painful too, to say the least. You could have replaced "I am not fool" with "I am no fool" and it'd convey the same meaning, with more feeling and less grammatical boo-boos. "Her boyfriend found other girl who's not worth loving" is also plagued with the problem that is the lack of an article.

The syllable count is a little off too, with the first stanza hopping from 6 to 9 syllables.

The rhythm is rather ambiguous, and it doesn't seem to have a steady flow of stressed and unstressed syllables.

 

[Teh_Ephy]

Strange choice of words all over the poem. I don't know that feathers are typically associated with softness, and "to her you'll be null" is, bluntly, a bit stupid sounding, even if it is to work within the rhyming scheme. By the way, the rhyming scheme is so inconsistent that you'd might as well find a replacement for null.

Finally, the fourth stanza doesn't make much sense with the fifth stanza. She wants to be dead (read: she is suicidal), but that point is immediately dropped and replaced with how she is antisocial.

 

[NinjasDontFight]

Looking at your poem, you use english to serious. Try using slang words to help repesent your poem.

 

[MySpaceBarBroke]

Looking at your poem, you use english to serious. Try using slang words to help repesent your poem.

...

The kind of dialect you use directly affects the reader. If you use slang, you're going to have a hard time painting the picture I would assume he's attempting to describe. Not that his current English usage is any more affective.

If you want people to take your literature seriously, a major component is taking your English seriously.

 

[NinjasDontFight]

Ok, when I said slang. I guess it got misunderstood. I've never been good at english. But if you look at those rhyming poems. They have a tune, that kinda flows. I know their alot of rhyms not anywhere similiar to that. But just saying.

 

[iSky]

william shakespear

 

[Kuhneghetz]

iSky, please refrain from necroposting old threads next time.


Thread locked, and neg rep to iSky.