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[Poem] Glaisting

Discussion in 'Screenwriting, Storyboarding & Concept Creation' started by Sxar, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Sxar

    Sxar

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    While riding my noble horse
    And wielding my shiny sword
    I walked in the darkest forest
    In adventure looking for.

    The sound of hooting owls
    shrouded by heavy mist
    And cry of howling wolves
    To whisper alerts to me.

    The coldest feel
    Ascends my back
    When I heard a child
    Laughing in the dark.

    Burned my fear of being alone
    And surprised by her icy touch
    Her innocent smiling face
    With peace fulfilled my soul.

    Her wonderful leaf dress
    Hid her white snow skin kind
    And her flaming red hair
    Sunshine was with her soft smile.

    I dismounted my fierce horse
    And sheathed my shining sword
    She hugged me strong
    Then I can’t hear wolves no more.

    To the deeper dark
    She carried me on
    Because her honey eyes
    Like a bee wouldn’t let me go.

    Now deep in the darkness
    Even my horse is silent now
    And when I think would lose myself
    The mist suddenly away it go.

    Out of the darkest woods
    The tiny girl ran between violet flowers
    the colorful valley showed itself to me
    And that make me think about us as lovers.

    I dropped my sword and armor
    Then she kissed my cheek
    She smiled and went on flowers
    Showing her lamb feet.

    She vanished in the valley
    Just like the mist before
    And I just faced the wind
    Finding myself again alone.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Any suggest? Thank you. I'm native Spanish so I'm sorry there's some mistake.
     
  2. Keiji

    Keiji

    Terrain Moderator

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    Hm, there's some things to address here.

    I'll start by saying that I love that you didn't resort
    to the traditional rhyming (AA BB CC etc) style that
    so many first-time poem writers do. And the poem
    in general, despite this, had a really nice flow to it.
    Which is a very good thing, it means you have a certain
    artistic approximation that not just anyone has when they
    Write poetry.

    However, when writing poetry, it's very important that you
    spell correctly and use proper forms of phrasing and time,
    because so much hangs on the words and the Language.

    Due to this, I advice you to Write in Your native Language
    until you are skillful enough to Write English poetry correctly.
    If that is Your goal.

    The actual story of the poem is a nice one, love found, elusive,
    and lost, but it's very overdone, most People Write about this
    when they start writing poetry, because it's something most
    People can relate to. The theme, too, is of the same fashion,
    it's easy to resort to Knights and forests and mystisism, because,
    well, we like fantasy :p

    Overall, as I said, I liked the flow, I liked the Choice of style,
    but the theme and story could be a little more creative, and
    I urge you to either get better in English or avoid writing in
    English for now. But certainly keep writing poetry, mate, you
    have a nack for it. :)
     
  3. Sxar

    Sxar

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    Thank you my friend. I speak spanish, however I try sometimes in English. I know there could be some mistakes, however the plot is not a "love story" even when in a first view you could think about it. The Glaisting is a mytical creature close to vampire and satyr that charm travelers to feed herself and help children lost in forest.

    Our traveler is a victim, however she forgive him and eat his horse isntead. That's why traveler can't "listen it anymore" and he recovers his will in middle of flowers just before watching the glaisting feets leaving...

    I wrote in English because this creature is part of Saxon mithology so would be more appropiated.
     
  4. Alok

    Alok

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    I took a look and I can pinpoint you some mistakes:

    3rd line - you can't use "walked" if you are riding a horse, "I went through the darkest forest" would be better.
    4th line - this one is grammatically incorrect, "Looking for adventure" would be correct

    3rd line - "the" is needed in "the cry of howling wolves"
    4th line - grammatically incorrect, I'm not sure what you wanted to say, but alert is used "alert someone to danger", not "alert to someone to do something"

    1st line - "feeling" instead of "feel"
    2nd and 3rd line - the sequence of tenses is wrong, "Ascended my back When I heard a child" would be correct

    1st line - subject is needed - "It burned my fear of being alone"
    2nd line - object is needed - "And (while) I was surprised by her icy touch[.]"

    2nd line - that "kind" at the end doesn't fit there, and it sounds awkward, "Hid her kind white snow skin" would be much better, you don't have to always look for rhyming
    4th line - "Was sunshine" would be better, some poetical freedom is allowed when writing poetry, but sometimes it is just too much

    4th line - the sequence of tenses - "Then I couldn't hear..."

    2nd line - "carry on" means "continue", so just "carry" would be better

    2nd line - using two "now"s doesn't sound right and that now at the end breaks the flow, so you should remove it

    2nd line - if you mean some particular flowers that you are seeing, you should put ""the" violet flowers"; a fullstop is needed after this line, because the sentence ends there
    4th line - wrong tense, should be "made" instead of "make"

    3rd line - "went on flowers" doesn't sound right, "walked on flowers" would be much more appropriate
    4th line - "lamblike feet" would sound better

    4th line - "alone again" is right in everyday English, but here you can keep "again alone" as the already-mentioned poetical freedom for the vocal rhyming

    That is it for the grammar.

    Looking at the other aspects, you managed to create the atmosphere and you "showed" instead of "telling", and that is one aspect of well-written poetry. The poem provokes feelings, that is another great factor. In terms of structure, you did a decent job, but it could be better, as I pinpointed at some parts before, as you misused the English grammar for it or broke the flow of the poem so that it could rhyme. When it comes to vocabulary, it is pretty plain, but that will come as you keep learning the English language. The better knowledge of the language would then help you create better poems on all levels, like structure, flow, rhyming, atmosphere, etc. It is all connected.
     
  5. Sxar

    Sxar

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    I understand. Thank you so much for the review! I'll try to fix it!
     
  6. Alok

    Alok

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    No problem. Just two more things I forgot to mention:

    The subject is missing in the first line, should be "And when I think I would lose myself".
    "Goes" should go instead of "go" in the second line.