Hello Oziris,
A bit of critique if I may.
I liked the first poem more than the second. The second towards the end started to sound like a rap/r&b song, lol.
I am not sure where you are from, or your native language, nor how old are you or how good you know english.
But from where I come from, poems have 3 aspects...
Rhyme, Rhythm and Measure.
Rhyme - there are 4 ways of making a Rhyme. I will example it on a verse of 4 lines. The Rhyme configurations are as follows:
a
a
a
a
---
a
b
b
a
---
a
a
b
b
---
a
b
a
b
When you choose to make a poem, you need to choose one configuration and stick with it. In your first poem the configuration is as follows:
a
a
b
b
a
a
a
a
a
b
a
b
Rhythm - basically a poem... a verse needs to have the same rhythm overall, and rhythm is measured in sylabels. For example you
cannot have the following set-up in a 4line verse:
3 sylabels vers
6 sylabels vers
5 sylabels vers
3 sylabels vers.
Furthermore rhythm is directly related with the rhyme in a poem. The lines which rhyme need to have the same rhythm (the same number of sylabels). So for example, you have one line with 9 sylabels, and another line with 11 sylabels. Than the poem needs to look like this:
a (9)
a (9)
a (9)
a (9)
---
a (9)
b (11)
b (11)
a (9)
---
a (9)
a (9)
b (11)
b (11)
---
a (9)
b (11)
a (9)
b (11)
Measure - if memory serves me right, if your rhyme and rhythm are 100% correct, than your poem can also be singed. And measure just a result if your poem can or can't be sung. Basically a poem which can be sung > a poem which can't be sung.
-----------------
Applying all of this - you could say that my criticism is to harsh, especially since literature is not your area of expertise, nor do you want to become good at it, etc etc etc, your a moder not a writer, whatever.
Personally I do not know how to count sylabels in english but the point I am trying to make with the rhythm is to make lines closer to one another... and not such big differences between lines. Here are some examples of what should never occur:
In a lonely desert I roam for a chance,
To take your hand and have a dance,
With you there would be nothing that I wouldn't give up,
Here lady, have my hand.
Baby your my whole Universe,
I know this sounds cheese,
But It ain't no easy,
Cause you make me fall in love over an' over again.
The practical difference between a poem and a simple text it's not meant for the writer but for the reader.
A plain text is more often than not like... flat fields of grain, you go into them, you occasionaly find something nice or sometimes not so nice. In a flat text the feelings have a linear direction where they are going, at a not slow but not fast pace.
While as in a poem, the format delivers a much more intense experience for the reader. The poem format is better for punch lines and the likes. Also the pace of the experience it's much more faster than in a plain text.
If a poem is written with a proper rhyme and rhythm, than as you read it, the feelings which are building up in you (as you read it) come much more natural and easier.
All in all, when writing a poem, you should focus on making it first of all easy readable. Reading a poem is very much like walking up some stairs... as you walk up, the steps always need to have the same height between them no matter what. How would it feel for you to walk some stairs, and each step has a different height? Similar to this a poem needs to have a fixed Rhyme and Rhythm. So I suggest for you to focus on making it more readable.
Many people say "it's the thought that counts".
I can tell you that any girl/woman of any age likes a poem written to them. But most likely they appreciate a well written poem. If a poem is well written, as she reads it she can even start crying of joy or sadness, depending on the message of the poem.
Furthermore, you should be careful, as a poem is a very high quality way of expressing your feelings. If you deliver it too often, it can get boring, no matter how good you are. You should keep the poem thing very exciting and unexpected for the girl.
Well that's all I had to say on this subject, I hope that it will be helpful to you.
