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Demon Draft

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Ok this is a bit of writing I just did. It's real late and I'm tired so I'm not sure how "amazing" this is going to be I'll proof read it later and fix anything that is exceptionally bad. Anyways this will maybe be the prologue of a story I'm looking to start writing soon. Not all the ideas are set yet so I'm not sure when I'll start writing but I may put the chapters and story draft in the thread. anyways enjoy the prologue.

(I think I need to work on the beginning a bit as well)(I'm looking for constructive criticism =D)

We walked up the Stained limestone steps towards the aged church looming overhead. At my side was Krusible, my long time friend, and partner in this, “business,” that we make a living through. Also with us was Oaril, a stalky old man with very tired and worn features. His eyes darted about wildly, watching, waiting for something or anything to happen. As the caretaker of the church, he came along to guild us to the, “forbidden door,” or so it’s referred. In the basement of the church there is supposedly a stone door that hasn’t been opened for centuries, yet the local villagers believe that recent disappearances and strange mutilations on people from the village are being caused by something in the church.

An old women from the village reported seeing a large, black beast looming in the shadows of the forest. She said she watched it curiously for some time until it bolted at a very alarming speed towards the church where it disappeared from site. Later on a body was discovered in the area where the old women saw the figure.
Oaril says that he has never heard or seen anything unusual in the church, but the way he nervously approaches the tall splintery door of the church leaves me a skeptic of his words.

“So Oaril, what exactly did you say that door in the basement of the church leads to?” Krusible asks inquisitively. Oaril slightly jumps when my friends’ words break the still silence. Oaril response in a quick and raspy voice,

“Well, no one can be for certain, but is thought to lead under the entire village. There’s said to be tunnels at’ stretch under the town, and possibly trap doors that come into the village at different spots.” Oaril looks at me and Krusible, as if searching for an approving nod or smile to show that we believe him, he doesn’t get this response. Oaril opens the door to the church, which creaks, echoing off the limestone walls of the church. As we step inside I reach for the torch mounted just outside the door.

The inside of the church is a solid black. Shadows fill every corner, giving you the sensation of being watched. As Krusible and I walk into the church I hear Oaril muttering something behind us. I turn to try and see what he’s up to when the door begins to creak again. In the most foulest of sounds, Oaril cry’s, “Now, you will either kill the beast which hunts for the flesh of ye humans, or be devoured by that which you are prey!” At that the door is slammed shut and latched from the outside. Krusible chuckles,

“Who does he think he is some kind of Acolyte to Satan? If this is a demon where dealing with here, then it would just as quickly kill him as us.” I turn to Krusible who reaches for his sheathed blade.

“Well old friend, if this is a demon we’re dealing with here, then let us pray that it is one of the lower ranking demons and not that of the Sentinels or the Decadence. Even if it is a lesser demon, we still need to be on our toes, we know many a men who have fallen to weak demons when they were caught off guard. But enough of this chatter, we must hurry and find this demon, before it finds us.”

Stretching ahead of us were the four rows of old oak benches. This church was so seldom used for religious purposes that the benches were covered in cobwebs and the wood was turning a dull grey. In the front of the building was a large stone statue, the statue of Jesus. There was something peculiar about it though. The shadows seemed to be very thick about that particular area of the building.

“Hey Krusible, I’m going to take a look in the front of the building by the stairs. Why don’t you head over to the tower. Head up to the bell stand, and check around. Return when you are finished.”
Krusible nods and turns towards the tower opening. I turn in the opposite direction towards the statue. I walk slowly, making no sound, and keeping my senses open. If I’m attacked, I must be ready to defend myself from any angle, and also be ready to attack in an instant. I grip the handle of my sword tight, ready to swing at any time.
Now, halfway across the church, I can slowly start to pick out the features of the statue. The robes, the crucifix behind him, yet, something seems to be missing, a key part to the statue. Then I notice it. The head of the statue has been replaced with the head of a man, the pale skin of the rotting head slightly blending with the grey stone of the statue. As I walk closer to get a better view I start to notice something below the head, a writing of some sorts.

As I grow closer to the grotesque “statue” I begin to realize what I’m really looking at. On the chest of the statue, in blood, are the words, “Dies of Nex,” or Day of Death, in English. Below these words is the picture of a pentagram, also written in blood. Yet on the pentagram three of the five point are filled in with red, the other two are still just outlined.

“Hey Krusible,” I shout, “I think you should come down here and take a look at this.” At first I get no response, and then I feel something knock against my back. I turn thinking Krusible’s playing tricks with me when I realize, with a sudden fear, that my friend isn’t standing before me. I look around to see what hit me, and to my fear I see a bloody hand lying at my feet. Behind me I hear a sound. The sound is what you would only expect to hear in the fiery depths of hell itself. The cry pieces my ears and cuts its way though my entire soul. I turn to see a dull red light coming from the basement of the church. Yet again a screech from behind, yet this time it’s coming from the tower. The very tower I had just sent my friend into.

A low chuckle reverberates from the basement, seemingly shaking the whole church in its core. The silence that follows is almost as eerie as the sounds made by the unknown creatures around me. The clapping of footsteps up the stairs toward me breaks the silence. I lift my sword, ready to attack whatever pitiful creature shows itself. Yet to my surprise, a demon is not what reveals itself, but a man.

He is clad in a long red and black robe made from the finest of threads. He is an older looking man with very short slicked grey hair. He looks at me and smiles. The smile seems to completely immobilize my body. He begins chuckling again.

“Aww, so you are the great Demon hunter of the Europe. Your name is Haez if I am correct. It seems that you’re in a tight spot now though. Your weak magic and pitiful steal sword won’t help you here.” The mans voice is loud and commanding yet somehow calming and soft.

I manage to find the air to speak. “W-Who are you?” I ask weakly. Still unable to move and finding it hard to breath.

“Who am I? I am a lord, well a demon lord to be precise.” He smiles as my eyes go wide with fear. “I am the leader of the…weaker, demons but I rule them none the less. My name is Raum, and I command over the Anemics. Yet, you have nothing to fear as of yet because I come here with a proposition for you. I’m here to ask you for a favor.”

My eyes go wide in disbelief. “A favor? You think I would ever help you one of you piece of shit monsters?” I shout, the paralysis wearing off a bit.

“No I don’t expect you to except, but you really only have two choices. One you say yes and help me or two you get ripped to shreds by the dozens of demons I have waiting to enter through the open portal down stairs.” His voice is calm and has no hint of anger.

“Well what is it you want my help with? Surely a demon lord should be able to deal with his own problems.” I say mockingly towards Raum.

“It’s not that I really need the help, it’s more that I would like you to join me. You see, it is difficult for me to open a portal from our realm to yours without their being curtain pieces, if you will, in place. What I would like you to do is lead over a group of my followers and open portals for the demons at different times and places. To essentially be searching for the perfect place to open the Great portal allowing all the demon lords to cross to your realm.”
I look at him in disbelief. “You’re asking me to help destroy the world I’ve been fighting to protect for years? There is no way I could turn on humanity like that. Even in the face of death I would never work with or for you.” I growl, trying to prove that I decline.

Raum shakes his head and looks towards the ground. “I very sorry to hear this, but of course I expected it. That is why I had another person in mind if you said no.” He grins and looks at something behind me.
Suddenly a sharp, piecing pain erupts in my back. I look down to see the end of a blade coming out of my stomach. Slowly the blade slides back into me ever so fluently as if it was cutting grass. I look up as someone passes by me. My heart skips a beat as I see the face lit by the light.

“Kr-Krusible?” I mumble in a very raspy voice. “W-What have y-you done?” My old friend looks at me, showing no emotion, his face as still as stone.

“You see Haez, Krusible was much more reluctant to work for me. In fact he has been a follower of me for some time now.” I look at Krusible then to Raum.

“You’re lying…There is no way Krusible would be a follower of you, it’s a trick,” I say though the blood coming up in my throat.

“No trickery here Haez, he is your friend through in through. Yet, time is running short and I must return to my realm. Well Haez, since you are no longer able to become a part of my Legion of Darkness, I have no use for you.” Raum looks at me and with the most pleasant smile he can muster he whispers, “It’s time, my kin are hungry and there is a fresh food source right here. So I bid you farewell.”
As Raum and Krusible descend down the stairs to the basement I can hear the cries and howls of demons coming into my world, coming to devour me. I fall to my knees, tears beginning to pool in my eyes, yet I still muster a smile. “Heh, well Oaril, you said kill or be killed. Looks like I got the bad end of the deal.

 
Level 4
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The things I see in this could make it an epic novel if you expanded it more.
+ It is really descriptive and everything seems to be incredible.
+ Good plot, very good plot, uber good plot.
+ Disembodied Head on Jesus Statue? Satanic.
+ Being stabbed by your buddy and knowing your fate gives suspense to it all.
- It MUST BE EXPANDED. Although it states Prologue it seems it should be more then that and it should be the basis of an epic novel.

Rating 4/5
 
Level 9
Joined
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=D thank you for the comment. And in the case of expanding the story? well I have been writing in a journal lately of the story plot and continuation. I've been basically trying to fill in what info will be in each chapter and such.

Here's what I was originally thinking of how I'd continue this. This being the prologue, the story continues by adding in a boy around 16-17 years of age living in our age. 2007-2008. The boy has no "known" relation to the characters from the prologue. The prologue is to be referred to by characters later in the story. But the prologue basicly sets the mood for the story and sets the story into motion.

When Raum referrers to a group of followers. He's talking about a group later known as the Cultists, (this might change to something more original later.) This group is one of the focal points in the plot of course. As read in the prologue, the person who starts the group is Raum BUT the very first leader is Haezs' (his name might change as well) friend Krusible.
Then later on a group (this is when the story picks up after the prologue) Is created for the soul purpose of defeating the Cultists and their plot to open a great portal which will allow demon lords to pass into our world. This would inevitably result in total world destruction.

But again I haven't edited the prologue yet so a few things may change. I haven't gotten much sleep lately so I can't even really remember how well the story was xD
 
Level 9
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ok sorry for the double post but I'm going to update the story line I have constructed as of yet.

ok so the prologue starts the story by giving you the start of the plot. It tells you some useful information for later on in the story as well as the start of the plot, being the creation of the Cultists.

The prologue however takes place many years before the initial story even begins. You learn in the prologue that the demon lord Raum is on a quest to open a portal that will allow the other demon lords to pass from their realm to the realm of humanity. The demon lords are unable to pass though normal portals opened from their realm because the lords power would rip the portals apart. The lords have an aura about them that actually tears at the portals framing which can cause them to collapse.

The reason for the cultists to be created is to find a place on earth that can support the passing of a demon lord, let alone two. The portals, when opened, can destroy the land around them depending on the power. Also to create a portal their must be a large amount of spiritual energy or an area with a large amount of souls. The cultists actually go through many leaders before they start getting onto the right track of where to start the portal summoning.

The Main character is a teenager named Tommy. He's 17 and is like any other teenager until his town is attacked. He is from then on pulled into the world of demon slaying by a group of "demon slayers." Their main cause is to stop the cultists but they slay demons in the process of course. Heres an over lay of the groups in the story.

Cultists: Group who's main priority is to allow demons to overcome our world by summoning the demon lords.

The Lessers: This is the "good guy" group. These are the guys that are fighting the cultists and trying to protect the world from the horrors of demons.

Unnamed group: This is a group of unnamed warriors that follow the cultists. These warriors rely on brute strength over magic and are frequently used by the cultists as sacrifices.
 
Level 7
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Oh wow that was a really entertaining story! But decapitated head on Jesus' body? wtf? :D

So, the first chapter (hope it will be coming soon) will be 2008? How does someone go about demon slaying in that world? Oh, and awesome info on the story, it's like you already wrote the whole thing!
 
Level 9
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Aug 23, 2007
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465
Thanks for the complements guys. and yes chapter one should be coming out quite soon. I decided to write the story then revise and edit it myself, then I'll place it on a writing forum to get a review. I'll try posting all the chapters here when they are finalized and "perfect."

and yes I do have a lot of the story line written out in my head so a lot of it is worked out so far. Mapping out your story before you start really helps keep things organized and you can think about what to add and change before you ever start writing the story =D.

but yes thank you for the enthusiasm :grin:

Short Story: This should be read after the demon draft story. This isn't connected and will not be in the story line, but it will assist you in understanding the information later on. This is just a piece that will explain later events that will take place in the main story line. And for those of you waiting for chapter one this will maybe ease the wait?

I'm running, blood matting my thick hair, sweat rolling into my eyes, but I'm running none the less. Behind me I can hear the shouting of men chasing me. They hoot and holler as if taking the life of a fellow brother is a sport and this is the thrill of the hunt. I'm being chased for the special gift I hold within me. My heart contains the blood of the fallen hero, Zael. His blood was said to make a man immortal when consumed. My own brothers now hunt me for that very gift. I turn back to stare through the shadows at my pursuers. The flames of their torches danced on the Cobblestone walls of the dungeon halls. I'm suddenly stopped as I crash into the wall, my head bouncing off the hard stone. I collapse in a heap on the ground, a searing pain in my head. I roll myself over to stare down the hall once more at the men closing in. Their faces twisted in greed and malice towards my gift and me. I slowly begin to stand, still facing my brethren. I begin running in a dazed sprint towards them. They are surprised by this but continue on. I leap into the air at my enemies, letting lose a bloodcurdling cry. My whole body crashes into them sending them sprawling throughout the hall. I grab for a sword that had fallen from one of the warrior's grasps. I stand and drive the blade through the nearest man, his face turning from a look of confusion to a look of shear horror. The blade slices cleanly through his chest, making a cracking sound as it breaks ribs. I remove the blade and move to the next man who begins standing. I lift the blade and slam it down on the mans head, splitting clean into the skull. I let go of the handle and let the man fall limply to the ground. I turn to the last four men who stand grouped together, their weapons held ready. I stand straight, my head still throbbing from my meeting with the wall. I ready myself to attack when the men turn their gazes behind me. Their faces go from battle ready to utter fear. They drop their swords and run in the opposite direction. I begin to turn and see what it was that startled them when something pieces my flesh. I look at my chest to see a long black spear protruding from my torn shirt. The spear suddenly recedes into my body. I stand in shock as a figure walks around me. The shadows recede and reveal the face of a man.

"Raum," I mumble, barely able to speak through my wound.

Another man walks around me holding a long black spear. The man was Krusible. He stood smiling widely as I writhe in pain.

"Well, look at what we have here. One of my most loyal servants and followers, Gale. You have been humble to me till the end my friend, but now I shall take what it is you have. The blood of the fallen demon hero. My friend here needs a little help with being a mortal, with the blood he can follow me into the demon realm and watch over the cultists from a safe distance."

I look at both in disbelief. "You had me join the cultists just so you could use my gift when needed?" I sputter in confusion. Krusible begins laughing.

"Yes we kept you until needed, and now that I'm fully on the demons side, I need a way to venture into their realm, you are that key." I look from Krusible to Raum who are both smiling wickedly.

"Now, I believe I will allow you to die quickly for being such a service to us." Says Raum in a very fake sympathetic tone. Then Krusible bursts into laughter.

"No my lord. I would like him to live through every painful minute. I want to make him suffer." I look at Raum who to my fear nods approvingly.

Krusible lifts his spear into the air as Raum, speaking in demon tongue, performs a spell to keep me alive for a brief amount of time. No sooner does the spell end, that the pain begins. The spear is driven into my stomach and the twisted, tearing through my organs, ripping them apart. I cry out in pain, knowing that no amount of screaming would ever show the pain I was in. The spear is then removed and slammed into my right shoulder. He leaves the spear impaled into my arm this time and puts his right hand to the left side of my face. For an instant there is nothing then suddenly the side of my face bursts into flames. The fire licking my flesh, melting it off the bone. I attempt to scream once again but am unable to this time.

"Krusible I believe he has suffered enough. Leave him." Raum says quickly.

"As you command master," At that Krusible drives his hand through the spear wound in my chest. I feel his hand pushing against the inside of my chest then griping something. I look on in shock as he removes my heart from my chest cavity, still throbbing in his hand. I watch his hand tighten and then witness my life taken from me, and ready myself for the eternal darkness and freedom from this pain.
 
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