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Dawn of Life

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Right, I am spinning around on my own ideas for a fantasy story, and talk with my friends about it. I've written some loose stories to this point, and want to see what you guys think about them, lets start of with the prologue of the story;

The Beginning of Everything

Known only through legends, told in ages long forgotten by the flow of time, is the Prothions. Translated from old Nomadic; Creators. These beings have always been, always will be, and shall never leave this plane of existence. But in ages past, these beings were dreaming, and slowly, through times unimaginable, they gained their limitless powers, the powers to do everything.


They were awoken, and were given individual tasks, never to be known by mortal minds. And over millennias they experimented with their powers, until they finally settled down to create something of importance, something they needed, for reasons unknown; they created life. They are the fathers of the planets, they are the engineers of existence, and they are the Prothions, also known as Gods.


But being in the perfect state that these Prothions were and are, there is nothing in their world considered evil or good, to them there is only order and chaos, without order there will be chaos and with chaos there is destruction; destruction of everything. And these beings are creators, thus destruction is their greatest enemy.


There is only one codex that the gods cannot interfere with, one which was not made by them, but by their own creators. And this is the codex of the physical laws. And these laws tell, among many other things, that the gods can never undo anything they make. They were manufactured to create, they are the generators of creation, and to shape and create is their only point of existence.


The Fallen One

In all there were seven gods. Each given their task, and each different from the other, they were: Ky - Keeper of Life, Ran - The Preserver of Mana, Kor - The Shaper, Nin - Overseer of the Cosmos, Bar - Father of Mortals, Oll - The Wise, and End - The Spirit Guide.

These gods were all given their tasks, and those was: Ky were to keep the life, shape it and control it, he were to invent life in a form and work it out to become something more than a substance. Ran were to keep, preserve and evolve Mana, the tool of creation. Kor were to shape worlds and materials that didn’t exist, he were to make a system of shapes and forms that were to be used by the other gods in various ways. Nin were to evolve and preserve the Cosmos, the home of the gods, the place where no mortal could ever set its foot.

Bar were to create mortals, lesser beings that were to drive the worlds, to watch over them and to guide them when it was needed. Oll was the one who were to see to it that the other gods did what they were given a task to do. He was the great lord of the gods. End was to help everything that died to enter the spiritual world, where they would serve a whole different cause than they did when they were alive.

And the gods worked, they experimented, and left unfinished world everywhere, planets were made, many and vast they spread across the Cosmos. Large, uninhabited and extremely dangerous worlds. And soon, over millions of tries they finally decided to create one world, one true place where they were to take it as long as to create the essence of life. A world known to mortals as "Origon."

While the Prothions created this new world, Origon, there was something that happened, something none could have foretold, a power so mighty and so vast that not even a god could have stopped its coming. This power made Kor - The Shaper fall to the mortal world. He became a mortal, yet he didn’t lose his powers.

The first mortal feeling he felt as he walked the world was fear. Fear of being killed, killed by low some mortals. And soon panic gripped him, and he centered himself at a place called "Cthor Sathon." From there he used his incredible powers to forge mountains, to part the mortals from one another, so they couldn’t band together and kill him. After he shaped the mountains around the world, he forged one great mountain around himself, so large that no mortal could reach the top of it. No mortal could ever break through it. This mountain where over time to be named "Mt. Korith."

He forged a new type of mortals, powerful and much larger than any of the existing mortals, humanoids created by pure rock, these guardians of the gods, where to be named "Titans." Also known as the race of the gods. And thus, afraid of the mortal world, Kor entered a meditation state. He slept inside his mountains, communicating with the other gods, while as his guardians walked the great halls of the mountains. And thousands upon thousands of years were to pass before his awakening...


Godly Conflicts.

After the Prothions had created the world, and the beings, mortals, which were to inhabit the world they set back and watched with pride as their creation evolved and flew like a dream. Everything was perfect. But it didn’t last, over thousands of years mortals didn’t stop evolving. They learned how to communicate, how to make weapons, create homes. How to wage war upon one another. And how to kill. But the worse of which, was that mortals evolved a way to use the tool of creation, Mana.

In the beginning the Prothions thought it was quite nice to see the mortals evolve, and use their tools. But it didn’t stop, the mortals found new ways of using the Mana and the Prothions foresaw that with time these mortals would evolve their knowledge about Mana so much that they would become as strong, of even stronger than the Prothions. And this would lead to chaos, and even more, destruction of this plane of existence.

Kor was the first of the Prothions that noticed the danger, he awakened and started to prepare himself to go to war against the mortals, after all, he were the only Prothions able to touch the mortal world, physically. But the Prothions of the cosmos didn’t believe that Kor was capable to completing this task on his own, and therefore decided that they had to do the only thing they could, create a being so evil and so powerful that it would destroy the world, and let nothing survive.

Ky - Keeper of Life, did not agree with the other gods. He meant that the mortals could never gain so much power as to endanger the very gods themselves. But the remaining Prothions didn’t listen to him, and began their plan of creating this being. As the others wouldn’t want to listen to him, he had to take the matter into his own hands, and departed from the other gods; he searched the mortal world for a champion, one whom would become the savior of the mortal world.

And he found his champion, in a child just borne inside the walls of Liannor, the great elven capital city, the home of the Lifehearts. He found his champion in Khaine Lifeheart, son of Liijian Lifeheart, king of the Life Elves. But the other gods, deep in their manufacturing plan, had found the perfect tool, they had brought back the spirit of Nazrim, the overseer of the Underlords, if which nearly destroyed their world thousands of years ago, now again to walk the earth of Origon with twice the powers he had before, he were Nazrim – Destroyer of Life.


So, now you know how the world is and how it came to life, lets get to the main story, this is only the first chapter, I guess there is nothing that is REALLY special about it, but I'm writing it like that for a reason:

The First Days

The news about the newborn child traveled with a pace unimaginable through the palace halls. The heir of the throne, the one whom would in time become their king. The news of Khaine Lifehearts birth had reached every corner of the entire elven empire before night would dawn and new a day rose.

His father, Liijian, stood beside his love, as she embraced her new son. And happily they exchanged looks of joy, for their son was a strong and healthy one. The boy had black raven hair, grey eyes and a nice and pale skin. But even though it was unnatural for the elves to have black hair and grey eyes his parents didn’t show any sign of distaste, for they were as happy as they could be, for they had finally gotten a son.

As time passed and little Khaine grew up, he was to get one brother and one sister. His sister came two years after himself and their brother seeing the day of light 2 years after his sister. All three of them grew a very close together, and wanted to play with each other more than anyone else in the royal family.


Chapter 1: The Sign.

Khaine was half sleeping while he slowly awoke from his slumber. He seemed to stare at the roof for minutes to pass, and this was not too unfamiliar, as he found himself doing so almost each morning. The roof was filled with carved figures and beasts; it was an artwork of carpentry which caught his eyes each morning. He seemed to always try to figure out the total meaning of the picture; on the far left side of the roof there was carved out two large armies fighting each other, one of the armies seemed to be elves, naturally, but the other race was unknown to him. They looked bestial, with harsh fur, nearly seeming to be spikes, skulls around their wrists and neck and big horns coming out from their heads.

Among the bestial warriors there seemed to be a commander, a large and scary giant of which Khaine had tried to avoid looking at for many nights, as it tended to give him nightmares. But at the morning it would be indifferent, after all; it wasn’t like he were going to sleep. On the other side of the room, just above the round table with his glowing magical crystal which Chrantor had made him, were the other halve of the carved picture. This was much more peaceful and it was this one he liked the most. It was a picture of an alter, large and glowing in the morning sun, with a shining orb at the top.
The orb seemed so beautiful with its smooth lines and sharp edges. Khaine often found himself thinking it was some kind of a crystal. There was robed elves gathered in a circle around an alter. And flying above the alter was a creature Khaine had never seen before. It was large and scaly, it had wings, and its pride seemed so complete that Khaine thought it would have to be a God or something along those lines.

And just as Khaine was about to close his eyes again there came an insanely knocking on his door. Seeming like thunder to his half-alert ears, and then the voice of his sister “Khaine, wake up! Wake up!” her voice was as always, even though she was screaming, a beautiful plays of melody. Though very irritated at the sudden and unaware knocking and screaming he answered her “What is it Aleya?”

“The sun is already up brother, and its dawn of the Seed.” She retorted with an enthusiastic voice. Khaine woke at that, she was right, it WAS dawn of the Seed, and they had no given tasks today. He were quick about his business, throwing his shirt and pants on, then he opened the door to let his sister inn.

He rushed the dressing, maybe a bit too much, and all along his sister stood watching him with a rather peculiar smile on her face. Finally she said “don’t rush it Khaine, we have all the day to play, here let me help you.” Khaine tried to resist the help she offered, but he knew his sister was very determined on details, and he couldn’t deny her help either, because he knew that would only make her mad at him. After what seemed like hours she finally approved of his appearance, after all, she couldn’t walk about with his brother looking like a civilian.

After that was settled they walked down the royal chamber to fetch his brother, Eonar. As they walked down the hallway Khaines eyes fell to the details of the art that covered the whole corridor once again. He could not understand how one could find it so joyful to make walls, chairs and tables, as well as windows and doors with so much effort, so much details in the woodwork, and to not mention the silver lines and the golden Mana crystal overhead, making the flow of magic go by like a dreaming song of which you didn’t hear, but could clearly see.

When they came to their brother’s chamber, it didn’t take long to figure out that Eonar wasn’t there. His bed was made, and everything was neatly ordered. “Nothing like your room...” Aleya pointed out ironically. Khaine let that one pass as they moved on, after all there was nothing to argue about; his brother’s room WAS cleaner than his own.

They figured their brother had already gone down to the family garden, so they moved down the stairs to find him. When they came out into the striking sunlight on the early morning they saw their brother standing with their mother, and she seemed to fixing a bit on his clothing, and their father was sitting in a chair by the dam feeding the fishes.

“Good morning, sleepy ones.” Their mother, Naori, said rather mockingly. Aleya were quick to defend herself “I awoke two hours ago mother, I had to dress myself and get Khaine up from bed!” she said rather wounded. Khaine drew up his shoulders and sighed “Yeah, it’s because of me she’s here so late, if it really matters” then he gave her sister a rather penetrating look. “I know, dear” Naori answered rather calmly.

Then Aleya went over to her mother and began talking about something that Khaine knew he had no affairs with. So he moved on, sat down on the rocks besides his father and gazed upon the little pond where the fishes fought about the small pits of food that his father was throwing out to them. “The day is rather refreshing, don’t you think?” Liijian said calmly. “Yes father, though it seems just like the day yesterday, and will most likely be like this tomorrow too.” Khaine answered indifferently. “Your probably right.” His father answered with a little laugh to it.

Noticing his fathers eyes on him, Khaine turned towards his father, his eyes were penetrating and serious just for a moment, then they turned into those soft joyful eyes he was far too used to. “You’ve grown much lately Khaine, I am proud of you my son, you should know that.” He said lovingly to his son. “Maybe it is even time we began discussions about your training.” His father said thoughtfully. Khaine looked upon is father, his eyes widened greatly. “Training father, really? I can assure you, I am as prepared as I can be.” Khaine said very Enthusiastically. “Sure you are.” His father said, his eyes gazing towards the pond again.

Then his brother called on him from over with the table. “Khaine, come along, we’re going to the lake!” his brothers voice sounded rather heavy on him. But nevertheless, he went along with his brother and sister. After they had all gone by their rooms, fetching whatever they might need they went on to the lake.

The lake was not far from the castle, even though it was outside the city; one whom wished could easily see them from on of the high towers. The water was rather cold compared to the fresh and cozy air above. But Khaine had some sort of personal thing to settle, he were never the last one in the water, which was final. Quite frequently he was also the first one to jump into the water. But not today.
Aleya was fist to jump into the water, close followed by Khaine and at last came Eonar. They splashed around, dragged each other under the water a bit and swam over to the little island in the middle of the lake where the large tree was located. But eventually they all calmed down, and sat at the edge of the water tipping their feet into the water and Aleya was splashing a bit on his younger brother.

Suddenly Aleya shouted “last one over the lake is a loser!” and she jumped into the water laughing, closely followed by Eonar which were determined to not lose. Khaine didn’t bother trying to follow, they had both gotten too much of a head start and it would only make him look bad if he came after them, trying to get over but failing critically. Better to just ignore it and let them play their little game.

Then, as he sat there alone, he could swear he heard some sort of song slowly growing around him. As if many people were gathered around him singing some beautiful song and the neat melody that filled the air were all so calming on him. But what scared him was that he couldn’t see a thing, there was no one around him, and his brother and sister was almost halfway over the lake, it couldn’t be any of them tricking with him. And then there was a voice, gentle and very noble, the voice said “I hail thee, Khaine Lifeheart, thou that art the savior of this world.”

Then the voice and music suddenly disappeared and his brother and sister returned. “Why didn’t you come?” her sister asked rather insulted. “I… Eh, I think we should return to the castle now.” Was the only answer he gave her, and without even waiting for an answer he turned and began walking towards the castle, leaving the lake and the mysterious voice behind.

As some last words I want to say that I am Norweigan, and dont speak English as my main language. Thus I am sorry for any gramatical errors or misstypings. Thanks for your time, and I hope you enjoy my story ^^
P.S: Critique and comments are welcome.
 
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Level 9
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ok read 2/3 of it got a little stuck in reading that much... how much did it fill in word (if you wrote it there and then just copy paste to here)?? the part i read was good because it was interesting this could make a good campaign..:grin::grin::grin::grin::grin:
 
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O hai thar and O shi.... Gonna read this and edit after reading D:
This will take some time >.<

Awesome, mate, awesome :p

Reminds me of warcraft story a bit and that's a good thing (not saying you stole anything).
Hard to think that YOU could come up with something epic like this.
If we don't count the typos and grammatical mistakes, I don't have anything bad to say really.

PS. If Khaine won't fall in love with his sister, this will fail :D
 
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The fact that the protagonist is a kid prince made me less interested in the story, having an adult protagonist makes the story much more mature. The dialogue seems a little akward too, probably because you are having to write for a character younger than you.
 
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Ghoulrush, lets say that he is something around 14 in the first chapter. He will be around 17/18 in the second, and most probably be grown up in the third and henceforth chapters :p

The fact that he is a child in the first chapter is only to get a insight to his childhood, and put in some hidden messages that will be understandable later on.
 
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Alright, I will soon update this thing with Chapter two of the main stream story, but first. Lets give you all a teaser of what Chapter three will be all about :p

Rebirth of Nazrim

It’s so cold. He opens his eyes; gazes upon the world; so peaceful, calm and beautiful. The birds are singing and the flowers are blooming. He can see trees standing tall and proud, and the sky filled with the most wondrous clouds one could ever witness. It’s so tranquil, so wondrous, so disgusting…

He closes his eyes, whishing for it all to end. He can’t look at the calm and peaceful world he has come to. He gets a bad feeling inside for each bird-song he can hear, his eyes hurt when he gazes upon the flowers, and his mind is constantly haunted by the image of the forests. He is crying now, a small childish melody of weeping. And as his crystal tears falls to the ground and freezes the mold under his feet, he lifts his head up once again.

He is trying to get up, stand on his feet, his new and fragile legs. He is shivering when he gets up, and there he is, standing in the middle of the forest, reborn and given life once again. And what he is returning to is nothing like the world he once left, so long ago. He closes his eyes once more, this time much more serious in his thoughts, focusing, concentrating…

He opens his eyes; gazes upon the world; so horrifying, chaotic and strange. The birds are no longer singing, and the flowers are all dead. He can see trees bending over in pain, slowly rotting into rubble. And the sky is freezing over with the darkest clouds one could ever witness. The world is dyeing and the dead is rising. It’s so cold…
 
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I return and revive this thread with a new little text for those that is interested. Once again I am going back in time, parting from the main story events, sort of. This text is where it all began, and is also the start of a whole different story named "Everything and Nothing."

Perché possibile.

I am my own creator. I am the father of myself, and my own mother. For if it wasn’t for me, I would not exist. I am the only one of my kind, and I will forever be. I demand that my demands shall be truth, and not disposed of as nothing would. I demand change to be a part of existence, I demand it to be so that everything moves is circles, in philosophical view, of course. That of which exists, shall always end, and that of which ends shall always bring forth new existence.

I demand that if something exists, it cannot be undone. It can perish and it can die, it can be pulverized, but it cannot be undone. And thus, the actions of creation is not to be taken lightly, since that of which is created, will never disappear. I demand the existence of materials, be them hard or soft, I demand them to forever be dead, to serve as tools to create an even greater existence; life.

I demand that life will end and that the end of life will bring forth death, I demand that death will lead the dead ones into the Realm of Shadows, and thus I demand the existence of the Realm of Shadows, a plane of existence for the dead to always live, parted from the living, and united by minds. I demand that light parts from darkness, and air parts from water. I demand that hard materials will stop both air and water, and that soft materials will absorb them.

I demand time to part darkness from light, and to give them equal amounts of life, I demand darkness to be night and light to be day. I demand time to see to it that everything that is, will end and that everything that ends will be. And thus, I demand time to be the only thing that is as eternal as myself.

I demand children, children to do what I deem to not. I demand them to create what I care not to create, I demand my children to have my knowledge, and to have half of my powers. I demand them to live, and thus they will die. I demand the death of a god to be different from others, however. I demand a plane of existence if which only get greater gods can enter, I name this plane; the cosmos. I demand that when a god dies, he will lose half of what power he already have and that he will be outcast from the cosmos, never to enter the high seat of the gods again.
I demand gods to die only when their worlds die with them.

I demand my rules to be a subject of change.


Hope you enjoy it ^^
 
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I like this. very epic. im going to sig "i demand my rules to be a subject of change"
 
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Posting based on this line:

P.S: Critique and comments are welcome.

And taking on the viewpoint that you're writing a story. If I overstep some kind of boundary, I apologize.


First of all, it is bad form to start a story with anything other than the first chapter. Even prologues are generally extra material. The first few lines dictate whether or not someone stays to read the rest (or the editor reads more than one page before filing a rejection slip). Info dumps intimidate and deter the audience. It's best to intersperse information with the rest of the story, or, better yet, not worry about it at all.

Remember: write a story, not a history book.

The most important line in a literary work is the first one. This line failed to do much for me:

Khaine was half sleeping while he slowly awoke from his slumber.

And the subsequent ones were redundant:

He seemed to stare at the roof for minutes to pass, and this was not too unfamiliar, as he found himself doing so almost each morning. The roof was filled with carved figures and beasts; it was an artwork of carpentry which caught his eyes each morning. He seemed to always try to figure out the total meaning of the picture;

This paragraph has several sentences of length, but not very much content, as it doesn't fully describe its object. Text colored red is needless and purple; text colored in cyan is redundant.

Moving on to the prose (which ties in to that a bit). Remember: Omit needless words. There are a few phrasing and clarity issues that arise from needless words and strange sentence syntax. Don't be afraid to use short, straightforward sentences--Hemingway did it all the time and he's one of the most recognized authors out there. Using short and clear sentences is favorable to using long and muddled ones. The point of a sentence should be obvious and shouldn't require any analysis.

Using a variety of sentence structures would be beneficial. Use subordinate clauses/nonrestrictive clauses/appositives/whatever you want to call them. Too many independent clauses create monotony. If a clause can be written on its own as a sentence, then it is independent. If not, it is dependent (subordinate). Not every clause is worth an entire sentence. The most important things should be in independent clauses.

In general, I find that the paragraphs are a bit too lengthy. Writing for effect = writing shorter, using smaller sentences and paragraphs. I usually expect to see a variety of paragraphs lengths, but it seems like every paragraph in this is around the same length. Be sure to give each new speaker a new line of dialogue. No exceptions.

Oh, as a general rule: you want to avoid writing with adverbs (ending with -ly) and adjectives, while using no qualifiers at all if possible (words like "very"). Write with nouns and verbs, and avoid using weak verb forms such as conjugations/cases of to be, to have, and to do. Avoid weak transitions words such as "then" or "so", as they are just a waste. If you feel the need to use transitions, use a specific one. There are certain words out there that I despise with every fiber of my being. "Suddenly," "then," "obviously," and most qualifiers/adverbs rank high on that list. I would give reasons as to why, but... meh.

As far as the story, I can't really tell all that well what's going on what with all the time skips. Be clear. Clarity will not win you a prize in writing, but lack of clarity will remove you from the competition.

There are a few typos and grammar things that I can see floating around, but most of them aren't worth mentioning and could be fixed with a few read-throughs.

Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I'm going to stop saying words now. Adieu!
 
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Shit you really know you're stuff. And much of this is helpful, just as much as it was heavy to read, be sure that I will read through it once or twice more just to get everything the right way ^^ This will surely help me further the story in a good way.

Also, the idea of the whole thing is that it is an idea. But it is a story, and dont say that information isnt interesting, as MANY writers do have prologues in their books, and quite frankly, I find this very interesting and fun to read, as it shows the writer is into the story by heart and mind. But then again, I am a person who values hard work and detailed stories, not that I expect the rest of the world to do so :p

Anyways, thanks again. :)
 
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But it is a story, and dont say that information isnt interesting, as MANY writers do have prologues in their books, and quite frankly, I find this very interesting and fun to read, as it shows the writer is into the story by heart and mind.

I didn't really see much motivation to read it, meh. And remember with any "rule" or "law" of writing (or any other art), you will always be able to find published works of fiction that break them. I've written my share of prologues, but usually it's content from the first chapter that I think isn't entirely necessary that gets shoved in there.

Information like that is fine if it's in the form of a glossary or appendix. But most of the time, a full lore summary as a foreword is a distraction, since people would rather be shown instead of told. As a general rule, textbooks do the later, stories do the former.

values hard work and detailed stories

The keyword is "stories," not glossaries. It is actually much harder to show information in the story than tell it bluntly to the audience. It takes practice and revision, though. And an active approach.
 
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What Alkonis said is correct. There isn't much incentive to read beyond the first few sentences. Excessive detail (what you used) is dull. The problem is that people have to read through the unnecessary detail to get small parts of the actual story. I advise you to look up William Strunk and read what he says about English.
 
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"The Elements of Style" is a good general guidebook for grammar and prose efficiency, and does have some neat stuff in it. It doesn't teach you how to write a novel, though. o_O
 
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The point with prologues, is that you dont have to read them >.> And you especially dont have to in my story, it simply gives an insight in how things work and how everything got created. Now, for the books you reccomended, I wont be able to read them as for soon, seeing as I have quite a long list already.

- The Gentlemen Bastards Chronicles. (The Lies of of Locke Lamora and Red Seas under Red Skies.)

- Needles of Stone.

- The God Delution.

- The Prosess.

- 1984.
 
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What we recommended isn't a novel, but a short guide to English. It will prove more fruitful for you to read it before the novels you've listed.
 
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...lol. I swear I'll look up this quote someday. Someone quoted it in a podcast and I can't remember who actually said it. Anyway, true story:

"The second-best gift you can give to a friend who wants to be a writer is a copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style. The best gift is to shoot him while he's still happy."
 
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I'm fed up with fairy good main characters. I fully agree with Gogol and also, for example, Gogol always uses characters with complexes as main.

"Why would you take virtuous man as a hero of the story? And" Gogol "can tell you why would you not. Because it's time to give a rest to poor virtuous man, because idly revolves on tongue the word: virtuous man; because virtuous man was turned into a horse, and there's no writer who wouldn't ride it, urging it with a whip and everything that got in his sight, because they've wore out the virtuous man so much, that there's not even a shade of virtue left on him, only ribs and skin on the place of body, because hypocritical the virtuous man is called for, because they don't respect the virtuous man. No, it's time to spur a scoundrel now. So, let's spur a scoundrel!"
 
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