[Cinematic] WIP: Intro - The King of Multiverse

[Ham Ham]

Here is the intro cinematic for my incoming project, The King of the Multiverse.
This is my first cinematic ever, so please, comment.


Intro
Duration: 4 minutes
Protected: No

Tutorial
Duration: Arround 6 minutes
Protected: No

Enjoy. Tell me what you think about it.




Please, leave construtive comments. here!

Terrain:
Just posting "Terrain is not good. Improve it", dont helps me. Tell me which models to use, and where to place them.

Grammar:
Everyone knows how bad my gramm is. If you find any typing errors, PLEASE, tell me where they are, and how is the correct way to write them.

Timing:
If theres any message disapearing before you could read it, tell me too!

UPDATE:
Intro:
- Terrain Improved
- Added more Cameras
- Corrected spelling errors.

Tutorial:
Just added now.

Thanks.

 

[ModelTester]

There are a lot of grammar errors and misspelled words in this cinematic. Also, you should try testing the map yourself so that you can see the many errors that you have made. You could try making the cinematic more dynamic like this map. Add some action to this cinematic like an ambush when they're climbing the mountain. http://www.hiveworkshop.com/forums/...ssil-chapter-one-81518/?prev=d=list&r=20&t=45

Improvements needed on this map
Grammar/Spelling
Camera- The Camera in this cinematic does not run smoothly throughout the entire cinematic. It is choppy.
Terrain- You could add grass/wildlife so it looks like a real forest.
Timing- You need to fix the timing. Some messages disappear before I can even read all of it.

I fixed most of the grammar errors or misspelled words you have.

Misspelled Words:

1) In The Beginning of the Loading screen- misterious
2) belive
3) choosen

Correct Words
1) Mysterious
2) Believe
3) Chosen

Grammar errors:
But on every 1000 years, evil forces always arrises to spread chaos over the Multiverse. Somebody is choosen to be the King of the Multiverse, a powerfull man that would able to lead the peoples of the Multiverse and destroy the vile forces.

*But every 1000 years, evil forces always arise to spread chaos over Multiverse. However, one is chosen to be the King of the Multiverse, to extinguish the dark evil.

We, the Guardians, have found the great-great-great-great-great-grandson of Aurius Drakeson, the last king. Our mission is to find, and teach him how to lead the honest people of the Multiverse across the incoming war. <---- This doesn't make sense. If you already found him. Then your mission is completed.


*We have searched countless centuries to find the great-grandson of Aurius Drakeson, the last king because it is our duty to find the chosen one and teach him how to lead the good people of Multiverse before the upcoming war.

Alexis, I hope you want to show us a VERY VALUABLE and important thing to make us climb this mountain.

*Alexis, I hope that you are leading us to a very valuable and important item since you're making us climb this mountain.

Stop bitchin arround Kane! We're almost there!

*Stop bitching around Kane! We're almost there!


Puff.. puff.. how much it will still take, Alexis? I can't walk anymore!

*Pffft. How much longer will this take Alexis? I can't walk anymore!

cant
*can't


You don't need to cap locks in a cinematic. It is rather uncomfortable to read large letters.
An example: DONT TELL ME TO GET EASY, SEAN! WE'RE ABOUT 2 DAYS WITHOUT HAVING A DECENT MEAL. WE NEED TO SEARCH FOR GOLD, TREASURES, MONEY! WE'RE BOUNTY HUNTERS, NOT ARCHAELOGIES SEARCHING FOR OLD BOOKS!

BOOK?? YOU MADE ME CLIMB A MOUNTAIN TO SHOW ME A STUPID BOOK???
*A book!? You made me climb a freaking mountain, just to show me a stupid book!?

I'm sorry Kane! But it looks an unique book. I tought we could sell this to the King's library, or.. -

*I'm sorry Kane. It looked like an ancient and unique book. I thought if we could sell this to the King's library, or...

The King will not pay more than a few gold coins for this. Damn it!

*The King would not pay even gold coins for this! Damn it!

Stop beign too greed Kane. Dont you think about anything else than money?

*Stop being greedy Kane! Don't you every think about anything else besides money?

I dont think just about money, I also think about SPENDING it! And what I can BUY with it! Ha_Ha!

I don't think about just money. I also think about spending all of it and what I could possibly buy with it!

Thats no funny, Sean!

*That's not funny Sean!

Kane, he is talking seriously! Look!!!

Kane, he is serious! Look behind you!

Overall, it's pretty good for your first cinematic. Try to improve and get better!

 

[Critters]

M'kay, here are some comments:

Dialog, spelling mistakes etc..

Hehe seems someone was faster than me to spot them. Here's a list of the ones that aren't in the previous post (I tried my best to correct them). Bare with me, english isn't my language so it's probably not all of them but anyway.

...In partnership with The Hive Workshop's users..

The greatest medieval, action, magic shooter, power metal-like thing you've ever seen in Warcraft 3.

So, where is the treasure? Where is the gold?

That book on the pedestal Kane, can’t you see it?

Don’t tell me to take it easy Sean! It’s been about two days days since we had a decent meal. We need to search for gold, treasures, money! We’re bounty hunters, not archaeologists searching for old books!

There are other things in life than money Kane, you should... –

Kane is right, Alexis! We need to find a real treasure! I don’t want to live in poverty anymore!

Let’s stay calm. Let me see whats written in this old book.

For magic I don’t need any wand.

What the fuck?

Music

The music didn't really fit in my opinion and the quality wasn't very good.

Camera

Maybe you should add more cameras, especially during the long conversation.

Triggers

There's an unused trigger in the map.

Terrain

I'm not a pro at terraining but you should add a fog to give more atmosphere. Some of the rocks (especially in the cave) are floating.
*See the picture at the end of my post

Anyway good luck with your project

 

[Ham Ham]

Re-worked on intro, and posted the next part.

 

[Critters]

Okay, just finished looking at both of your maps.

About your intro:

Spelling mistakes

-Loading Screen: kingdom is spelled ''kingodm''
-corrected version:Most people believe we live in a space called Universe, and only what you can see does exist.
-don't know why you used a ''G'' instead of a ''g'' for gold
-corrected version:That book on the pedestal, Kane, can't you see it?
-archaeologists spelled archaelogies
-corrected version:The King would not even pay a few gold coins for this! Damn it!
-corrected version:Stop being greedy Kane! Don't you ever think about anything else besides money?
-corrected version:Let's stay calm. Let me see what's written in this old book.
-I don't really understand why ''what the fuck'' is written ''WTF'' while ''what the hell'' isn't. For the sake of constancy, I'd write both of them like this:''what the Hell'' and ''what the fuck''

Music

This is just my opinion, but execpt for the beginning with the black screen and text, the music sounds a bit too epic for a simple walk in the nearby hills. Also don't use Stop immidiatly to stop your music, use After fading instead. Otherwise it just sounds weird.

Triggers

You might want to use this trigger at Map initialization (it's used to disable dusk/dawn sounds as well as ambients sounds and any music theme)

• Scene01
  • Events
    • Map initialization
  • Conditions
  • Actions
    • Sound - Disable dawn and dusk sounds
    • Custom script: call StopSound(bj_dayAmbientSound, true, true)
    • Custom script: call StopSound(bj_nightAmbientSound, true, true)
    • Sound - Stop music Immediately
    • Sound - Clear the music list

Terrain

You still have the floating rocks problem (if you did not understand what I mean just tell me). I see you tried to add a fog, but there is 2 problems:
-you need to use the Environment - Set Fog trigger to make it visible
-the color doesn't fit well with the atmosphere. I'd say use a more ''warm'' color, like yellow or orange but don't make it to dense. And when they are in the cave use a more ''cold'' color like blue. Like ModelTester said, you might want to add maybe a raccoon or a rabbit to make the forest a little bit more alive.

Camera

Still needs more camera movement when the guy is reading the book.

As for your other map:

Spelling mistakes

-some of the mistakes you made in your intro are there too
-corrected version:Argh, my head! What happened?
-corrected version:Where am I? What place is this?
-corrected version:Oh God! Where am I!? Where are my friends!?
-corrected version:What the Hell are you!? Some kind of flying witch!? Where are my friends!? Answer me now!
-corrected version:Your friends are ok, don't worry about them. I am Shalis Starfire, one of the Dimensional Guardians, nice to meet you Kane. I am here to explain you what's happening here.
-corrected version:Alright, you can start explaining from where you came. You were not here when I awakened.
-corrected version:I used a teleport spell if you want to know. Now, let's get to the important part.
-corrected version:As you should know, there are infinite numbers of universes, a Multiverse, and people can travel between them using Portals. What you call home is the Dimension of Anubis. We are now in the Dimension of Blackwood.
-corrected version:You are Kane Drakeson, grand-grand-grand-grand-son of Aurius Drakeson. Aurius was the King of the Multiverse 1000 years ago. Now, since you are Aurius' only alive descendent, you must learn how to control your magic and be the new king and lead us in the upcoming fight.
-corrected version:What are you talking about? Multiverse? Portals? Magic? Are you mad? These things do not exist!
-corrected version:Well, you are talking to a flying woman. So, why do you still think these things do not exist?
-corrected version:Ok, What am I supposed to do?
-corrected version:Is this whole thing real, am I dreaming? Or did I go mad?
-corrected version:No, you are not dreaming or mad, everything is real, now get on with it before I get angry!
-corrected version:Ok, miss Starfire, here I am. What do you want me to do now?
-corrected version:Wow! I can't believe it! I really did it! I can throw fireballs!!
-corrected version:But, I'm feeling strange... I'm tired and thirsty...
-corrected version:It happens when you use magic. You burn your mana and it makes you tired.
-corrected version:Get into that room, and grab the bottle on the ground.
-corrected:I got it. What do I do now?
-correctedDrink it and you will feel better.
-corrected:How do I know if it's not poisoned?
-corrected:Now, leave this dungeon and cross the florest ahead. At the end of the road, you will find a portal that will teleport you to the Whiteland Dimension. Find the White Castle, your friends are waiting for you there.
-corrected:It was nice to meet you Kane, but you act like child sometimes, please stop it.
See you later. Bye.
-corrected:What the fuck!? Who is she calling child?
-corrected:And instead of telling me to cross a forest, why didnt she teach me how to teleport too?

As for the rest well it looked ok, can't say I really looked at the triggers but heh. Once again the music really bothered me, but I guess you're the one who decides what music you use.

So I guess that's it. Damn this was long to write...

 

[Ham Ham]

Thanks for testing it, man. I would +rep you I dont had to spread it first.

 

[ModelTester]

Hey, I fixed you grammar mistakes for both your maps. Here it is! Download it and see the changes that I've made.
(EDIT)
You still need to fix the camera, terrain, and your triggers on your Intro. I also forgot to change kingodm to kingdom. However, you can edit it. Good luck with your cinematic and your project


Map:

 

[Restor]

So

Music-music started in loading screen, which is wrong, fix that. And that "techno song" (or whatever it was) didnt fit that at all imho. 0/5

Terrain-well, no fog, good fog can make average terrain a more better. But there was no fog. And that book was in cave or something? Becouse I didnt realise that, use some lighting to tell people that some scenes are inside. 1/5

Story-it is just intro, like from some hollywood films. It was little pathetic. Firstly, you have the same mistake like almost everybody has. Dont spam too much info in the first second of the story. Let player swim in "unknowing" for some time. And then uncover part of the story, and later another part and so on. 2/5

Effects-when heroes came to that cavern, everyone of them was facing totally different angles. Fix that. 3/5

Camera-this was the worst part, it was static, boring, and doesnt follow the story. If you have dynamic scene, use more cameras, if you have dialogue scene, use only few cameras (like apply camera 1 for 0 sec, and apply camera 2 for 100sec, so it will be in motion) 1/5

 

[Ham Ham]

Ok, thanks for the suggestions. I'll check the map, model tester.
TO make things less boring, I will put scenes of the last war during the Intro while hopebringer is explaning the things, and replace the current white fog in the first level to an orange one.

 

[Hemlock]

I have just watched your intro trailer to your game, and to be honest, I'd didn't get me fueled up with excitement.

I will give you some pointers on which you might want to work on to make this cinematic more interesting and thus making your whole project more interesting for the folks.

Terrain and enviroment:
- You have a fair amount of doodads (like rocks and trees) of which you can see the bottom of the model, sticking out of the ground, this makes things allot less interesting and awkward.
- Accordingly you can let the rocks and grass have a value for the max roll and max pitch, so they align with your terrain, and are not placed vertically, this adds towards realism.
- Try to avoid mixing blizzard trees with custom trees, either use blizz's trees, or the custom ones, cause the blizzard trees quite frankly are just ugly.
- Try to use fog effects, to smarten up the terrain and create a more eye-appealing scenery.

Camera and motion.
- First of all there is allot to be improved on perspectives, you almost always use the same angle's throughout the entire cinematic, and relatively the same distances.
Try to test a bit with 3rd person views, 1st person views, etc.
- Your motion is a second thing, partially this is to blame on blizzard, for making a rather sloppy camera system, but try to avoid panning to camera's and then waiting for a second, for then to pan to the next camera, specially when objects are moving, try to let your camera follow them, and try to blend your perspective work in this again, once more.
- With long convo's try to use subtle camera work, to relax the viewers eyes, but still keep it in motion.

Interaction
Cause you are making a cinematic that mainly just explains the story, and has one small event (which is the part where they run to the book and a portal opens up), try to make more interaction in your cinematic, cause people will easily get bored when they have to read long dialogues, and next to that see a couple of guys running and opening a book.
Interaction can be seen as:
A bird flying at the background
Critters running around on the ground
Weather effects like
and so on.

Story and Dialogue.
- Well as stated before, you have a couple of grammar issues, and some more spellings issues, spellings issues are easy and can get rid of by getting your text through A spelling checker.
- Grammar relates to knowledge of your language your using, if you don't feel too good about using a language, just write the way you would like it, and let someone check everything for you.
- To decorate your story, try to avoid cursing, and smarten up the language, use grammatical word play, and try to decorate your story with some new refreshing words from time to time, seeing some of the same words more than a couple of times in a short time table, can get viewers bored, and not read the dialogue that extensively anymore.
- Most of your dialogues go too fast, you should be able to narrate every sentence fully to get an appropriate view on how fast text should disappear.
- try to summarize your story a bit more, it becomes a bit too draggy.

 

[Ham Ham]

I updated the Intro, it looks much better now. Check it out.