Violence within family

[xxdingo93xx]

Hai thar guys,

I have a issue I seriously wanna talk about due to certain incidents.
I actually wanted to make this thread in the sub-forum "Medivh's Tower" since I want SERIOUS answers and no nonsense, but obviously I can't since I have not enough rights. Whatever.

Well, as stated, the issue is Violence within the family. I openly admit that I experienced it myself and I need/want to get advice to get over it.

My father often "beat" me when I was younger. I wouldn't say he won't do it anymore, but now I'm older and able to defend myself. For what I know, he has experienced the very same in his childhood, probably he doesn't know any other option to handle the usual stuff kids do. The smallest, most unsignificant things young children get up to were reason enough for him to get another temper.
I don't wanna say he is the incarnation of evil, he clearly has a good side as well, but the bad side is worse than people usually have. This bad side actually made my childhood to a nightmare which I don't wanna put away just like that.

So, how do you guys think I should react when he is going to provoke another fight? What should I do to handle this situation? Do you have experienced violence within your family as well?

Before you leave a comment, please, I don't seek compassion nor I want advice how I should carry out revenge to my father. Just a serious advice how to prepare for another situation like this, please.

You also could just leave a comment about what you think about violence within families. That's fine with me.

EDIT:
Since some users might got me wrong or I expressed it kinda wrong, here's the definition of how he "beat" me.
He never beat me with his fist or something. He ... "just" pushed me to the wall heavily or threw things to me (like shoes or bottles). The most horrible thing he did to me (which I'll NEVER forgive him) is that he once pushed me to the ground when I had a broken arm. Well, it's probably not the kind of beating you guys thought, but this counts as beating too, I guess.

 

[WherewolfTherewolf]

If violence is the only way for him to solve his problems, it can probably help by avoiding violence. If he seems like he's going to start violence, or is starting violence, walk away, go into another room, lock the door, etc. etc. - do something to avoid it. If you fight back that's probably going to provoke more violence, or even worse you may hurt him or he may hurt you some way that warrants a visit to the hospital.

 

[D a w n]

if he threats you with violence, you should threat him with the police. At least that's what I would do, because fighting violence with violence is always the wrong way.That's why we got certain institutions

 

[xxdingo93xx]

if he threats you with violence, you should threat him with the police. At least that's what I would do, because fighting violence with violence is always the wrong way.That's why we got certain institutions

Often did. Never worked.

 

[Devine]

Call the cops and or leave the house.
My dad doesn't beat me up but he yells at me. Which is, trust me, not cool.
Out of nowhere he starts yelling at me and it pisses me off damn hard.
At least you can press charges against your dad for assault and stuff.
I can't do shit about my dad yelling at me and calling me stuff other than killing him.
But I won't kill him because that's not how I roll, dude.

 

[Joe-black-5]

If violence is the only way for him to solve his problems, it can probably help by avoiding violence. If he seems like he's going to start violence, or is starting violence, walk away, go into another room, lock the door, etc. etc. - do something to avoid it. If you fight back that's probably going to provoke more violence, or even worse you may hurt him or he may hurt you some way that warrants a visit to the hospital.

Exactly
Avoidance is the answer here
just avoid speaking with him, try not to open conversations with him also since you wont change his mind about anything or prove anything and finally do what he asks you (simple house work for ex) without complaints or saying any word (try to)
that way at least you wont need to face him anymore and if you 2 watch TV in the same room, go and do something else when he watches.
>_< this advice is not that great but at least it will solve your problems that we know about (since we only knew about vague stuff about your life)

 

[xxdingo93xx]

Call the cops and or leave the house.
My dad doesn't beat me up but he yells at me. Which is, trust me, not cool.
Out of nowhere he starts yelling at me and it pisses me off damn hard.
At least you can press charges against your dad for assault and stuff.
I can't do shit about my dad yelling at me and calling me stuff other than killing him.
But I won't kill him because that's not how I roll, dude.

Well, yelling for no reason ... this kinda fits for my dad, too. The reasons he has are actually no reasons to start an argument. This is why I'm hardly pissed off all the time as well. As I already mentioned - he made my childhood to a nightmare, I was scared every time when he was home, that's why I become mad always when I think about it.
Wow, killing him is hard. I never would go that far ... however, I often thought about letting him feel my fist somewhere so far the chance comes. My emotions wouldn't hold me back anyways. The first ... let's say the first 15 years of my life were just drowned in terror and arguments by him...
but meeh, I know, fighting violence away with violence is not the best way to handle it, true. That would make myself be like him.

Oh and btw, I fear he won't give me nor the rest of my family the chance to avoid arguments. When I go to my room, he follows and continues yelling at/annoying me. My mum often said "get used to it, he is just like that". She realized herself, that this is nothing I have to get used to. I actually think he has to change his personality, however his naivety won't let him.

 

[Devine]

Often did. Never worked.

How doesn't this work?
Just show them where your dad hurt you D;

 

[xxdingo93xx]

How doesn't this work?
Just show them where your dad hurt you D;

No I mean threatening him with police isn't working. Even when I picked the telephone and dialed 110 he didn't stop. My mum later took away the phone, she didn't want police.

 

[Lich Prince]

Man why don't you just talk to him? But no threats, that would really piss him off. If that doesn't work then you should get help from either your family(an uncle perhaps) or call the police.

 

[xxdingo93xx]

Man why don't you just talk to him? But no threats, that would really piss him off. If that doesn't work then you should get help from either your family(an uncle perhaps) or call the police.

I've - no, WE've talked to him so many times ... meh, I doubt that I can explain his naivety here. I probably should follow the advice to ignore/avoid him. I bet he's the one apologizing later on.

 

[Kimbo]

Sit down with your father, ask why he does this or that, get empathy going on both sides. Make him understand how you feel...get him thinking...let him consider how you feel to all this, the possible outcomes and conclusions that can come from this abuse. If you father walks away or refuses to listen, let it go.... only know you tried and make him aware you tried to resolve it in a friendly and mutual manner.

If that doesn't work, call Child support (do not make them aware you are calling and do not use it as a threat), they will log the report and police will come over and inspect if you have bruises or such if you wish to proceed, if there is evidence of abuse, be prepared for actions your parents wont like but a necessary step to get away. Be careful as the callers often ask to talk to your parents and the parents often do the typical stuff off "oh, he is overeating, he is a troubled out of control child" blah.

Remember, he is still your father, once you are old enough he "should" leave you alone...so do NOT do anything that would make him vindictive on the ongoing years or you wont just lose those beatings, but a father aswell. If things do go down bad, assure him you had BOTH of your best interests at heart....abuse isn't the way to make relationships or stability any stronger.....This is what he needs to understand.

The key here is to open up his eyes, not to get "revenge" or threaten/cower him like others are suggesting, you wont solve the issue that way and I am sure you know that very well.

You also shouldn't have to "put up" or "ignore this"... if you feel he is damaging you physically and psychologically seek help as it can cause trauma and problems in your adult years.

Best of luck. Although not the best place to post this (I suggest forums that actually deal with this)

 

[Uncle Fester]

i can't tell u many things about that/give u many advise, my father never got violent or shout rly that much at me....in fact, he nerly NEVER cared of what i was doing. like i could (which i did often when i was aron 14) play with explosives and he, even knowing it would just say: *be careful, it's dangerous*. i never rly had the issue violence in my family but 1 of my best friends has similar troubles (since ever). his father is quite an alcohol addict. so my frient told me whenever he gets violent, the secret is, stay close at mother (like if 1 parent is violent try staying close 2 the other 1) coz most probably he won't be violent with the other parent. try 2 win @ least ur mother 4 ur side so that if he gets violent, she can intervein and eventually *protect* u. if ur dear daddy does beats her, u can go 2 the police (and don't feel pity or srry 4 him if he gets jail or something that way, coz in this case he DESERVES it). it's actually up to the individual what 2 do. if my parents get violent, i would asnwer them with more violence, more vigor and ferocity in kinda way. the secret if u do so is just, hit them once, not often and than go close 2 him and tell him *come on! hit me if u dare. but be warned, if u hit me i will hit u back*. and most important: NEVER do empty threats (like saying *i will call the cops if u dont leave me* and than he hits u and u don't call them). that way he will think that u r an idiot r a pussy. first of all, if u threaten him, and he ignores or even provokes after, than do as u threatened (like calling the cops). once u got them (they speak 2 u) there is nothing ur father can do any more. if he takes away ur phone, just shout as loud as u can *give me back the phone* or *leave me*. if the cops hear that and he closes th phone after, they most probably will track down the number and once they r in ur house u can freely (don't be ashamed or afraid) 2 tell them the whole truth about ur dad. another way is 2 consult some1 from real-life that could hlp u (like teachers iin school, friends, or family members from the side of ur mother, just be CAREFUL 2 who u trust that things). and if some1 is willing 2 hlp u, than DON'T hest8 2 tell him all the truth. if ur father notices that and gets more violent against u, than GO 2 the police or a *child and youth care* organization and tell them what's going on. but if ur father can't manage his rage or gets that easily violent u should talk 2 the police or another person from the law (like lawyer if u have the money) coz than he rly got some trouble and is inappropriate for a family/children. btw is he also violent against ur mother? if yes, the only thing 2 do 2 stop it once 4 ever is 2 report him @ the police. it's the safest way 4 u.

 

[xxdingo93xx]

i can't tell u many things about that/give u many advise, my father never got violent or shout rly that much at me....in fact, he nerly NEVER cared of what i was doing. like i could (which i did often when i was aron 14) play with explosives and he, even knowing it would just say: *be careful, it's dangerous*. i never rly had the issue violence in my family but 1 of my best friends has similar troubles (since ever). his father is quite an alcohol addict. so my frient told me whenever he gets violent, the secret is, stay close at mother (like if 1 parent is violent try staying close 2 the other 1) coz most probably he won't be violent with the other parent. try 2 win @ least ur mother 4 ur side so that if he gets violent, she can intervein and eventually *protect* u. if ur dear daddy does beats her, u can go 2 the police (and don't feel pity or srry 4 him if he gets jail or something that way, coz in this case he DESERVES it). it's actually up to the individual what 2 do. if my parents get violent, i would asnwer them with more violence, more vigor and ferocity in kinda way. the secret if u do so is just, hit them once, not often and than go close 2 him and tell him *come on! hit me if u dare. but be warned, if u hit me i will hit u back*. and most important: NEVER do empty threats (like saying *i will call the cops if u dont leave me* and than he hits u and u don't call them). that way he will think that u r an idiot r a pussy. first of all, if u threaten him, and he ignores or even provokes after, than do as u threatened (like calling the cops). once u got them (they speak 2 u) there is nothing ur father can do any more. if he takes away ur phone, just shout as loud as u can *give me back the phone* or *leave me*. if the cops hear that and he closes th phone after, they most probably will track down the number and once they r in ur house u can freely (don't be ashamed or afraid) 2 tell them the whole truth about ur dad. another way is 2 consult some1 from real-life that could hlp u (like teachers iin school, friends, or family members from the side of ur mother, just be CAREFUL 2 who u trust that things). and if some1 is willing 2 hlp u, than DON'T hest8 2 tell him all the truth. if ur father notices that and gets more violent against u, than GO 2 the police or a *child and youth care* organization and tell them what's going on. but if ur father can't manage his rage or gets that easily violent u should talk 2 the police or another person from the law (like lawyer if u have the money) coz than he rly got some trouble and is inappropriate for a family/children. btw is he also violent against ur mother? if yes, the only thing 2 do 2 stop it once 4 ever is 2 report him @ the police. it's the safest way 4 u.

1. No, he didn't get violent to my mother, I bet he never would (what in fact is good)
2. My father is not an alcoholic so that's a kinda weird comparison.
3. I guess it's just a personal problem my father has. His incredible naivety. If you say "no it's like that" he's just like "NOOO what I say is right!" and if the outcome is like I said he searches for another way to argue against me. Even if we 4 (mum, bro, sis and me) have the very same opinion he feels offended. He says things to my mum like "you just influenced them with the shit you say and now they are against me!". He can't lose. This goes often so far that he get's tempers like these. I have to include that it has become less overtime. Earlier, it was like every day. Now, it is far less .. however it's still there, this is what's pissing me off.

 

[Uncle Fester]

hm, even if it gets lesser, it still IS here....anyway he isn't very friendly 2 ur mother either it seems (@ least he doesnt beat her). i am srry 4 the inconvinience 2 ask this, but why is ur mother not getting divorced? after the divorce he can't get violent against her. if he does and the judge/law hears of it, or he tries 2 terrorize her in order 2 prevent her from divorcing he will get much bigger problems.....and than if he gets violent again, the prison awaits him 4 sure. i rly don't understand how u can be soooo kind with him. if my father would be that way i would go and report him @ the police asap. so that he gets his punishment (in fact i am a quite revengive person, so i would deffinitly react other way than u, i also wouldnt have a problem 2 get violent against him as soon as i get phyiscally the stronger 1). and man, ur dad rly has NO REASON 2 get violent or shout if the family doesn't do what he wants. and letting out his anger (coz he had the same experience in childhood) on u is a crime if u ask me and NEEDS 2 be dealed with. but i think u should first do as Kimberly said, try 2 talk with him. if he gets aggressive, call the police. but as he said, just go 2 the police when there r clear signs of violence on u (like bruised arm, *blue* eye, or redened body parts) so that u have clear evidence. in the first stage the police will look into it in detail and most probably he will get more violent/upset after ur report there so the police will get the clear proof and will be able 2 take appropriate actions. first of all, they will take him away his welfare/care right 4 u and r bros and sisters. after that, there is NOTHING he can do 2 u. than u r untuchable 4 him. if he does anyway, even every atempt, and u repport him he will get prison and eventually after he is released again the police will keep an eye on him, so that he will be completly unable 2 act against u ever again. i think 4 u involving the police would be the safest and most convinient way 4 u (u don't have 2 defend against him in this case by using violence). 4get the child care organizations, they most probably will try 2 talk with him, but from what u described him, i am afraid he will get more violent with u if they call him. i dont think that the way showing him that he has no influence 2 u would have a (positive) impact on him (like u go 2 him in a provoking and arrogant way, stay near him, look like expecting nothing into his eyes and tell him *just hit me! i am not afraid of u or ur beats. just do it, i dont care*). but as said, i don't have much experience with parents (@ least with fathers) though i am the other extreme....i can do whatever i want, even if my parents didnt like it, i simply ignored their advise/talking, and did it again 2 show them they got absolutly no impact on me....

 

[xxdingo93xx]

hm, even if it gets lesser, it still IS here....anyway he isn't very friendly 2 ur mother either it seems (@ least he doesnt beat her). i am srry 4 the inconvinience 2 ask this, but why is ur mother not getting divorced? after the divorce he can't get violent against her.

Around september 2009 we had a situation she played with that thought to live seperately. (not directly divorcing, more getting another flat where my father can live. Would be easier for my sis and bro who both are in an apprenticeship and for me achieving my A-Level). After that, my mum and my father spoke clearly with each other and came to a solution between their problems ... more or less. However, they don't wanna tell me.

i rly don't understand how u can be soooo kind with him.

That's because I didn't tell the whole story. I just summed up the worse problems he causes/caused.

first of all, they will take him away his welfare/care right 4 u and r bros and sisters.

My brother and sister both are adults. I am 17, but no matter what happens, I'd rather go to my mother or to my uncle/aunt/etc. than to my father. We are TOO different.

Well, I prefer to not involve the police. I actually don't think he deserves prison. That will fuck up not only my father's life. I also think involving police isn't needed, physically I can handle my father, besides that, my brother's there too. I think Kimberly is kinda right with what she said, I never really tried to express my feelings to him (except for once when I told him that I don't have the feeling for him being my father).

 

[Fussiler1]

Well, I prefer to not involve the police. I actually don't think he deserves prison. That will fuck up not only my father's life.

Well, erm, what about involving the Child Support thing someone mentioned in the thread? Sorry if you already reacted on that idea.