Need opinions,please!

[Gaegamel]

Hi all. I made a little beginning of a story and need some opinions. I must mention, that i'm tired and maybe failed the story because of this.
Hope you forgive me. Just say opinion and i will try to correct the story tomorrow, when i slept over it.


Silent Grove - Story

By Gaegamel



Foreword

This is my first project in the Hiveworkshop-community. So it can happen, that i may make some spelling errors. I hope you forgive and instead concentrate (and enjoy) the story.



Month of the Turtle, 2000 units after the Beginning

„Orone! Hurry up. Mother said, we should get at home, before sunfall!“. A little face came out of the little hole and looked at Nayrum. "I heared it, but don’t shout. You nearly made me deaf“
Orone disappeared in the hole and left Nayrum. „Ok, then i will and tell it mother. I hope you like discussing with her“ She left her little brother and took the way home. The hole wasn’t very far from Corhaven, the village they are living. The hole lies in a forest and is used as an hideout for Orone. Since Amarun, their father, died on a disease, they hadn’t an other choice, then staying in their hometown. „He was such a good father to us. Always cared about us and in the end died on a disease. Why is this life so unfair?“, Nayrum thought. „He could have been alive, if he had also cared about himself“
These thoughts caused some tears to run down her cheeks. „Idiot“, she whispered.
Suddenly she heared something. She stopped walking and turned her head in direction of the supposed source. She closed her eyes and tried to identify the type. The sound had a scratching touch. She smiled. Suddenly something jumped on her bag.
„Orone! That wasn’t funny at all“ She looked into the eyes of a laughing kid and looked serious. „Since father died, I took care of this brat. What a shame“ She thought and sighed. Orone looked confused at her. „Come on, let’s get back to mother“, she ordered Orone. „I sense, that she will be angry, seeing us so late. Now they began to move.
Soon afterwards they saw Corhaven, surrounded by it’s typical fields, where crops and corn were going to grow. They apporached gradually and therefore were able to see more.
The centre was a church, surrounded by some trading-houses and a guard station. The house of the two children was a bit distant to the centre, however it was safer to go over the centre, than going around the village and risk, beeing killed by one of the wild animals, that were active at night.
As they reached the house and were ready to enter, the door opened and an angry mother awaited them
„Where have you been for the past 20 minutes. Don’t tell me, you forgot the time.“, Erefa said.
„Mooooooom, I’m not 7 units old, as my brother is“
„But even oldest child needs obey his parents. And even with 18 units you are still a child. You are MY child Never forget that.“
„Ok, ok. I got it. Can we enter the house. I’m hungry and need to sleep.“, Nayrum said.
They came in and ate the fast prepared meal without saying something to eachother.
Afterwards all prepared for bed and began to sleep.

The end......yet.

 

[Fussiler1]

You described the feeling's fairly well, and I recognise this in my own life.
Yet, I wonder where this is going too.

 

[Nbah]

Now!! First, I should definitely say that the beginning of your story is very interesting and it is awesome the way that it can attract attention and keep it. I don't know why, but personally, I found it very enjoyable, this text. Just sat back and read it. Which means that it flows nicely and that is very, very nice ^_^ You have a lot of grammar mistakes, but those are not fatal, since they can easily be corrected if you make a check on the text. Besides you said you were very tired (I know what you mean by the way, when I first started getting interested in writing stories, I was constantly writing at 2-3 o'clock in the morning, instead during the day when I am fresh), so grammar things aside, I liked it very, very much.

There is only one huge minus and that is that..... it isn't continued yet!! So go go go and continue it as fast as you can. The story must unfold and you must find an interesting story around which your creation will revolve. So, to work!! ^_^

 

[Gaegamel]

i were really tired, because i only slept about 8 hours (my normal thing is 9) over 1-2 weeks. So that had a little lack ^^. Going to write the story, when i got some more freetime (which apparentzly will happen, because my holidays start in 5 days). Firstly i really thought, that would have been a bad story, but some opinions showed me, that i were using the right path. But something is strange: i released a part of an other story, but nobody downloaded it. I reported it and wanted to have it deleted. But after "a friend" (the person know, who i meant) read it, he was fascinated. Strange things happen in the world.

BTW: I'm more a storywritter of passion, than a guy, who forces himself. So it can be, that the story will be overworked and therefore needs his time to be created.

Hope you understand